NoelleR

"...They've just discovered a "cure" for Hep C. I am a candidate for it..."

Yes, there are som new drugs now that are promising, but..................the COST!!!!!!!!!

A course of treatment can run anywhere from $36,000-$55,000 (in Canada) to approximately $84,000 in the US; and so far they're not covered by health insurance [neither personal (US) nor governmental (CA)].

I don't know about anybody else, but I just don't have that kind of $$ lying around, and neither do most of my friends.

(o:
NoelleR

Dramamine

Thank you so much everybody. You have all given me a lot of courage, and have strengthened my resolve to actually do this. I kind of hinted about quitting to one of my roommates today, and she seemed very supportive of the idea. She's not stupid, I'm sure she is very aware that I have a problem.

I crashed hardcore at about three in the afternoon today. I feel absolutely terrible. I know this is the easiest time to say, "I'm never drinking again!" I'm worried that tomorrow (or the next day, or the next day) I'll say, "Oh you were just overreacting, it's not that bad, you just need to cut back, that's all."
I've tried to just "cut back" for years, but I don't really do anything unless I do it all the way. And unfortunately for me, "all the way" with alcohol isn't a good thing.
How do you guys stick with sobriety? How do you make it really important to yourself every single day?

The "no more being the fun guy" idea is something I really can't shake. I'm always smarter, wittier, funnier, more likable, more engaging, and much much more comfortable socializing, and just generally being myself, when drunk.
At least until I start falling down, or getting cantankerous, or cursing at all of my friends.
Is there a way to become that outgoing and gregarious without drinking? I really want to be that person all the time, it's just that I can't stop drinking more once I'm there.

And congratulations heartcore, for getting the cure! I hope all goes well. That is very very exciting. I'll be thinking about you.
In terms of medical cost, yeah HIV is pretty expensive too.
My meds are $2800 every single month.
I am so fortunate to have great health insurance through my dad because he owns his own business, but even with that I have to pay $400 every single month.
For the rest of my life.
Not to mention going to the doctor six times a year, and labs every four months.
One stupid night of drinking and one stupid mistake...

Altoids

Hi Dramamine. Welcome to SR. My resolves comes from wanting my "WOW" back. I thought I was funnier, wittier, a better dancer. . .all that stuff when I was drinking, too. But in hindsight I see I was just a bad friend, a bad drunk. I like who I was BEFORE I picked up that first drink, and I want her back. I am funny and witty. Alcohol actually dimmed it, not enhanced it. So. . . I focus on my health and feed my body what it needs, not what it craves.

Also, I get on SR every morning while drinking my first cup of coffee and commit to this next 24 hours. These people keep my accountable.

Stay on SR. Post here BEFORE you drink and let us help you thru that craving. There isn't anything you are going through that someone on here hasn't dealt with. There is wisdom, support and fun on here. So stay, chat, post, and please stop drinking.

Patriciae

When you get sick and tired of being sick and tired, then call the number
below. It is the AA phone number in Kansas City, its a 24 hour number.
Tell them what you have told us here, they have a Solution that works!

Wishing you the best.


Kansas City Area Central Office
200 E. 18th Avenue
North Kansas City, Mo 64116
Telephone 816-471-7229 (24 hours a day)

Tamerua

My home group is a gay one, they are my second family. I love the face to face support. It could help.

ETA- I was completely worried about the fun thing too. I'm still fun and funny... It's just not sarcastic or cynical anymore because I've changed.

Dramamine

I mean, it's too late now, and you guys were all so kind, and I did it anyway.
I just woke up from another damn blackout.
My roommates and I went to visit a friend that we hadn't seen in a while.
He'sa pretty big drinker, just beer though, and never really drinks too much.
So we went over to visit him, and a lot of friends came over,
it was like most definitely a party, but I didn't know it was gonna be a party.
I do very very well (read: very very drunk) at parties.
And he bought me a bottle of vodka from Costco.
So of course I had to drink it.
He made it a point to tell me that he got it for me.
So of course I convinced everyone to do shots,
over and over again.
****, you guys, I don't deserve to be here.
I guess I'm not really taking recovery seriously.
I don't want to be this way,
but I just am.
And that's the way it is.
I just have to accept it.
I want to die young anyway,
I already have a horrible disease that is GOING to kill me,
I'm a reckless, live free, die young, person anyway.
May as well have fun.
I can't control this, it's foolish to think I can.
You guys have so much willpower, I really don't think I could ever be that strong.
I don't want to be this, I hate ,yself so much.
But it's fine.
I got a new handle of vodka in the freezer, and a new bottle of gin on the counter.
I'm good to go.
This is just something about my life, why should I stop?
I want to die. I'm so ******* tired.
I forgot you're not supposed to curse here, sorry.
I don't deserve to be here.
Oh my God, poor me, why don't I whine some more.
****. I'm disgusting, sorry about it.
Whatever, I'm just gonna be drunk all day for one more week, then I'll stop.
Because I'll go to work, and I can't be drunk at work.
So you know, I'll just be fun for a little bit longer.
Because why not?
There is literally no reason whatsoever to stop.
I'm sorry, everyone. I don't deserve to be here.
I'm just terrible, and endlessly disappointing.
I'm really tired, and my roommates are probably ******* tired of me too.
I hate myself.
But no I don't, I love myself. I'm ******* awesome.
I can't do this. I don't want to do this. I have to, or I'm going to die.
But that doesn't really bother me.
I mean, everyone's going to die, so why not bring some party to it?
You gotta live a little while you're alive, right?
I say that to everyone I kno.
It gets people to take a shot with me.
100% of the time.
Is it bad to drink at 9 in the morning? I'm feeling like a shot.
This is so ******* pointless. I don't really have anyone who would care if I was sober or not, but most people want me around to party with them, so I might as well.
I mean seriously.
Ugh whatever.
I have a friend coming in to town a little bit later today, he's one of my best friends who moved to Seattle a few months ago. I'm really excited to see him, it's been a while and he's a really awesome person.
We're gonna DRINK.
Oh well.
I mean I guess I should just prepare myself.
Who cares, anyway?
I always feel so guilty. But obviously not guilty enough to do anything about it. I'm the worst kind of person. I'm asking for help but I'm not willing to do anything about it. I mean, I guess I am, but not really.
Drinking is just such a part of my personality. My overall external facade.
It's me. I'm the drinker. Oh. ****.
Oh well.
What can you do?
You gotta live a little while you're alive.

alphaomega

Hi Dramamine <<<LOVE. Welcome to the family.

I want you to know that your mental diatribe sounds really familiar to probably most everyone on this board. We alcoholics tend to vascilate between intense self hatred to fear and loathing of the addiction, to justification to continue at any means.

The "Eat, Drink and be Merry for tomorrow we die" philosophy is part and parcel to alcoholism.

It gives temporary meaning and validation for our pending eventual demise. Gives us a reprieve of sorts from our worries and woes of our mortality. Makes us forget that yes, we, too, will someday perish.

And, while it's working, our brain sees, and then locks down, the notion of what is the f ing point anyway ?

You know, all excited, don't know, why, maybe is cuz, were all gonna die.
Let's go crazy.

Because as mere mortals, we are always teetering on "just one wrong step off the curb", it almost gives us a sense of control of our own mortality. Kinda like giving our humanness a big F U and if we are going to go we might as well do it "our way".

And, yes. That is your right to do so if you so choose. You can party off into a blaze of glory and be "that girl" that everyone remembers as the one who lived until he died, life of the party, etc. etc. You may own that, and that can absolutely be your legacy.

But.....

What I hear behind that booze soaked party girl attitude, is a man who is desperately trying to escape the torture that addiction brings with it. I mean, if it was all sh1ts and giggles, and it felt good ALL of the time, why ever leave right ?

But it doesn't feel good all of the time. It ONLY feels good when the booze is working. And that, is unsustainable without death looming behind it. When the buzz wears off, you gotta pay the piper. And that SOB is a mean Mofo.

He'll take everything you've got. Your obvious beautiful talent. You have been given the talent of the arts. A professional, WORKING ballerina for Christ sake ? That is the creme de la creme of talent. And that is YOURS. You are young still. Twenty Five. Your beautiful life hasn't even begun to show itself to you. What lies ahead, if you can even imagine, is inconceivable as far as gifts.

But your gonna have to change your evil ways sister.

The pace you are going at is unsustainable for any real amount of time.
And you sound in absolute AGONY.
So the cycle begins.
The merry go round that you can't get off of until you are so sick, and so dizzy, and had enough of that GD calliope that won't shut the f up, that you hurl yourself off the spinning deck, land on the ground and crawl to the nearest hospital with merry go round road rash, begging for mercy. (Sorry for all the dramatic metaphors, I'm an actor and love to talk shop with kindreds.

But all you really have to do, is just, step off...

You are worth so much more than you are giving yourself credit for. But you'll never be able to see that until you are able to see yourself with a clear head. At your age, it won't even take that long really. You'll be back in fight form licketty split.

But you have to put the substances down.

You THINK your fabulous now ? Oh, honey, you have NO IDEA of your magnitude and what you are capable of.
Give yourself permission to see that.

Get sober and you will blow the world away.

XO AO

Dramamine

Whoa. That was intense, @alphaomega.
Thank you.
You really hit on a lot of things.
I don't want "party girl" to be my legacy.
It's kind of turning out that way, but I really don't want that to be my end all, be all.
I would be so ashamed, if that is to what end my life amounted. That's shameful.
But I can't ******* stop. I just don't care anymore.
And I just took a few more shots, in the kitchen, by myself, at 10 in the morning, so that's great.
It's really hard to not just give up.
It's REALLY HARD.

I made some new music yesterday.
I am a choreographer and composer, as well as dancer.
Once I have to retire, due to my body giving out at about 35 (such is the life of a dancer), I want to continue with my music and my choreography. I want to be sought after, I want to be avant garde, I want to be someone that true dancers will speak of for many many years. I want to be inspiring. I want to make dancers dance in a different style, to challenge them, to test their bodies in a new movement, to be someone different, if only for a little while.
I hate speaking well \of myself, but my work has been reviewed many times, and critically acclaimed. I really do have a future in this.
But I can't do that if I keep on with this stupid ******* cycle.
I'm afraid of being successful, because I can't handle failure.
So if I just do it to myself, if I sabotage myself, then no one else can do it to me.
I won't allow anyone else to tell me that I wasn't ******* good enough, so I do it to myself, so nobody else can do it first.
Here's my SoundCloud page: https:// soundcloud.com/ travisguerin
Without the spaces, I'm not supposed to post links because I haven't been here long enough, I'm sorry that I'm breaking the rules, this is just super important to me and my state of mind. I'll take it out if I need to, just let me know. I'm sorry.
My newest set of music that I've been working on over the past couple of days - while drunk, while sober and hating it, while sober and despising myself - is called The Physicist. It's my newest playlist, you can click it on the right sidebar on my homepage.
It's all about the emptiness of space and the vastness of the universe.

My roommate just woke up, so I don't get to take shots anymore.
Dammit.
I'm really kind of irritated about it. I just wanted one more.

PurpleKnight

We don't have to accept that this is the way life is and nothing will change, we all have the strength within us to change, if we really want it bad enough!!

Giving alcohol the control over your life, will lead to the same results, I did it for years, but when we regain that control over our own lives, we get to choose the outcome.

You fear alcohol taking away your life, but you also fear not being the person you are when drinking, it boils down to which is more important?

No one congratulates or admires a young person who has died from alcohol as being "fun and witty", instead they focus on the tragedy of alcoholism taking another life, your life is yours to choose how you want the ending to be like, all those things you think alcohol adds are not as important as your life itself, alcohol never did me any favours!!

alphaomega

Yes you CAN stop.

There are thousands of people here who have. You are no more broken than any of the rest of us misfit toys. And, good news is, it's reversible.

Come on ! Put the bottle down. You can so do this.

Look at what you are ALREADY doing soaked in alcohol.

Can you even imagine ....

songthread

Hey. If you kicked a meth addiction you can kick the alcohol to the curb, too. You know this. Wishing you the best here - please do this for yourself.

You have a ton of talent to offer the world, now and in the future. I loved your compositions on soundcloud, fantastic work!

Like alphaomega says above, give yourself permission to see what you are capable of, for the magnitude of it seems incredible. All the best to you!

alphaomega

I find it so interesting, fascinating really, that you are blazing a new trail as far as dance is concerned,
unique and unchartered territory,
With pAssion and drive and dreams,
but you are willing to turn yourself into just another promising artist turned addict
who wasted their creations and talents by succumbing to addictive substances.

You have a lot of great mentors who did that, no ?

Fosse, Hendrix, Joplin, Morrison. Hell, most recently Winehouse and PSH.

Yawn.

Blaze a new trail for insanely talented creatives. Be the guy who gets sober and lights the whole GD dance world on fire.

You can be that.

But if you keep drinking 18 shots of gin, and your frozen bottle of vodka taking swigs all day, and you won't have to wait until 35 to burn out. I'd give it a year at best at that pace.

You are worth more. And I'd love to see what manifests as a result.

I'm off to Market Days in Chicago. One of my favorite fests all summer.

I swear to Buddah, sometimes I think I'm just a drag queen stuck in a woman's body...

XO AO

jdooner

I think there is a little voice in you that knows EXACTLY what to do. The problem is you are trying your best or your addiction is trying its best to suffocate that cry for help. This is why you posted on this Sober website. If you really believed in what you have posted you would not reach out...its like someone contemplating suicide when they admit to it they are reaching out for help. In many ways I see your cry just that - with HIV you need to boost your immune system and what you are doing with the alcohol is breaking it down. So no matter what drugs you take you are going to blossom into AIDS on this path, which is an awful way to die.

You are going to reach bottom, perhaps this will be when you loose your dancing job and it all falls apart, which sounds not to distant form what you describe. Or you can get help...I am guessing from you comments that you are not ready, despite the pain you have endured already. This is sad because whatever talent you do have is likely to be lost to your addictions.

I agree you traded meth for booze and perhaps a host of other behaviors you indulge in too. You addiction is running wild...until you deal with this it will steal the life you deserve.

Dramamine

I'm shivering, and it's cold.
I didn't pee the bed.
But it looks llike it, because it's so wet. There's a lot of sweat.
I - there's a lot of typos, I can't really control my hands.
Ha, Perfect. Ha
What is happening to me? Is this real life? Is this really happening?
I'n going camping today, except we're not actually camping. We're telling my fdriend that we're going camping, and pretendiing that we are, but we're really going to a Four Seasons, as like a surprise, but it's three hours away, and I can hardly type, let alone drive foir three hours haha.
This is I'm really cold, why is it cold in here? That's not real. Haha
Let's go! Hey everyboedy! Come meet us at the Four Seasons! We're gonna have a real great time!
I'm sorry I don't fdeserve to be here.
I donm't deserve anything.
I'm ****** up. Whoa.
No I'm fine.
I shouldn't have posted this. No I'm fine. Why am I here?
No I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. It's fine.

jdooner

Tough to follow this post but I am assuming you are still not drinking and thus going through withdrawal. You should check into a detox facility or at least get monitored by a Dr. this is nothing to screw around with. It is clear from your comments that you are not lucid.

If you are drinking and posting this....good luck.

Dramamine

No I think I'm fine. I just took a shower, and I feel better. I think I'm fine, really. It'll be ok. I mean I have to be good, I'm good all the time. I just want to be that person so I have to be good. I tried to stop drinking.! And I'm good now. It's fine. Yeah! Everything is fine.

jdooner

I really can't tell if your just F"ing" around with people here or if your serious. However, you sound delusional. You should seek medical help with this detox as you are not making any sense.

gardendiva

Then don't.

When you see and accept the reasons we will be here.

Verte

Whoa Dramamine. Just read through your thread and it just makes my heart ache, for sure.

Did you ever see Margaret Edson's play 'Wit' or the movie rendition of the play with Emma Thompson? There is the scene at the end where SPOILER ALERT: [after all the fight, all the life - she just wants someone to stay with her. Sit still with her while she is dying].

When I finally gave up drinking I realized that I had surrounded myself with people who were wholly incapable of sitting still. And this is what I alone needed to do if I were to have a moment of true peace with myself before I die - leave the planet. And I cried. Because what in life allowed me to believe that I was undeserving of true, genuine happiness and peace while still alive!. What had I done? What had occurred? What had been said that I so thoroughly absorbed to my core?

My own personal hell. Worse yet, of my own making. That part hurts the most.

You are not fine. And you are not alone, as you believe yourself to be. In the end I think we all just want someone to sit and read a good book with us, until we are ready to close our eyes. But the end is not here for you! Quit hastening your life toward an unremarkable death, oh talented one.

PurpleKnight

What would you like us to do?

This is a recovery website, there are many people here struggling with addictions and need help and support!!

If you're not looking for help and support for YOUR addiction then fine, log out and good luck to you!!

But if you think you may have a problem and have a desire to change, then SR is here for you!!