mark303

Hi guys/girls/ladies/gents,

I've actually been in and out of this forum for the last few years, reading posts and trying all manner things to stop drinking naturally. Thanks for that to this brilliant community. I actually gave up for 3 months last year, once I'd learnt how to stop 'smoking' in my head (after 20 years - which I've since started again) and it was the best 3 months of my life, but always in my head was a 'reward' I was actually promising myself at an event I was playing in Sweden (I'm heavily involved in the music industry). From that night on I started again. It didn't take long to get up to 2 bottles of wine a night again. Now, I've got to the end of my tether. I really have. I'm in my early 40's and I need to get of this damn cycle!!!!

I've spent since then studying the brain and what alcohol does. I've read books on the damage it causes. I've read books on CBT. Book after book after book. I've read lots of spiritual books too. I've looked into what AA means (although it's not for me). You could say, I've been working more and more towards hating this thing more than EVER!

I remember stopping last time was very very hard, but like I say, that horrible voice in my head was working to a 'reward'. I can't let that happen again. So I've been trying to arm myself.

I know the way my head works and this voice needs quashing. I need to break the cycle. I came to the conclusion that Antabuse seemed the way to go, whilst reading more in the evening and being 100% motivated. 2 days ago I took the decision to see my GP. I can't tell you how hard it was walking into that room and admitting to her I had a problem with alcohol. My main worry doing that has always been the 'mark' on my medical record but when my girlfriend kindly reminded me if I keep drinking I won't HAVE a medical record lol, I realised I was being silly. However, the truly hard bit that I wasn't expected was feeling ashamed, low, helpless and a complete addict. I cried on the way home. But then again, I feel the same most mornings. I suppose it's the first time I've admitted it to anyone else apart from my girlfriend.

So there I was, ADMANT this morning that I was going to take this. But within 3 hours of waking up my other voice is there saying 'don't go to the chemist mate, you'll want a drink tonight - go monday… besides what about that event you're going to on Sunday?? You'll want a drink there won't you Mark'.

Insane.

To cut a long story short, I got the tablets and I've taken one. But tonight my other voice is there 'Akkk you've only taken one Mark, surely you can go and get ONE bottle of wine'. Well… as they say info is power.. so I googled again what this tablet does (I'd done it about 10 times already before today - I'm fully aware I could die!!!!) and within seconds of seeing the effects, that's the voice silenced. Until 2 hours later 'Hey Mark, why don't you take half a tablet, do the course, then you can always drink 14 days after, then you'll have more tablets to do this all over again if you wish!!!!!!'.

So can you see what's scaring me here?

I'm really bloody worried this thing in my head is going to find ANY excuse to put up with this for the short term and then we'll do the same thing as we did in Sweden last year. Result = back on 2 bottles within 1 month!!! lol.

I suppose I really need to take each day as it comes. I suppose writing this to you all is therapy for me and I'd love your thoughts if you can relate to me. At least I have the power of books now, which I didn't have before.

Anyway, I'll try to keep you up to date, so that it might just help someone down the line. Wish me luck guys.

trachemys

Head down to the Secular Connections section and study up on AVRT. It will explain that voice in your head and give you some tools for dealing with it.

DO NOT drink on Antabuse. You could end up hospitalized.

mark303

Thanks for replying trachemys. I actually have looked at AVRT but obviously not enough. It's really helped me understand myself and a combination of that and other stuff has led me to the conclusion to take this stuff. But I think you've nailed it. If it's THAT VOICE that I'm scared about, it's AVRT that I need to focus on the most. Thanks for the advice

trachemys

And when the cravings get crazy you better have ice cream in the freezer.

ICCC

Ice Cream Cures Cravings.

Dee74

Welcome back Mark

Maybe posting here more could help. Really throw yourself into the community?
Maybe join the Class of August support thread?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...2014-a-10.html

I find a little accountability helps...and helping others too - we can learn to take our own advice

D