drunktastic1002

I've been sober for a little over 3 years in AA. Last year just before the holidays, my toddler was diagnosed with autism. I knew it was coming; my sober state renders me an active and intuitive mother, plugged in and present. Despite being sure that this was coming, I spent the next 6 or 7 months on auto-pilot, in shock I guess. Over the last couple of months though I've swan dived into the grief and allowed it to be what it is. I almost talked myself into believing that I was in total acceptance and peace.Despite popular conception there are not 5 stages of grief (there are 5 stages of deaths and dying) but if there were at least I'd know there'd be an end to this ride and that I could jump off and be on my way. Grief is like waves. Sometimes, gentle and quiet; just enough to get my feet wet. Sometimes it's huge crushing tides that knock me over with unbelievable force. I've not been able to slogan my way out of what I'm feeling and I'm over letting other people suffocate me with their well meaning platitudes. My hopes and dreams have been hijacked by the universe and I'm pissed that I was not consulted beforehand. I'm sad that I'm missing out on what I wanted this part of my life to look like; play dates and finger painting and has been replaced by mounds of paperwork and various therapies. I'm scared and I don't have the answers and I'm not in charge and I hate it. A diagnosis of a chronic condition is not supposed to feel good. Any non-alcoholic parent would feel these emotions as well. It makes sense for me to be overwhelmed with a bevy of uncomfortable emotions. These notions all make sense. As someone who spent almost 2 decades using toxic solutions for life problems, I have never actually gone through grief sober and I need help.How have you handled grief or loss in recovery? Where is the line between sadness and self-pity? As alcoholics, are we ever allowed to be mad? What do you say to/pray for when you hate your Higher Power's will? Sidebar: I am receiving outside help from a professional therapist.

FeenixxRising

I'm sorry for your situation with your child drunktastic. I don't have children, so I'm unable to give advice; however, I'm sure it must be incredibly hard and painful to find out your child has a chronic illness.

I'm sure it's normal to grieve, feel sadness and even feel sorry for one's self in this situation. I'm sure I would do the same. I don't use AA, so I can't give advice on how to handle this using 12-Step methods, but I'm sure prayer with action is a good step.

It sounds like you're still early in this process, but I think with time you will eventually find acceptance and possibly even profound happiness with this situation. Are there support groups for parents with autistic children? If so, that's where I would personally turn at this point. A support group should help you to realize that your feelings and emotions about this aren't unusual, and that you aren't alone in this struggle.

SoulSister

The grief comes from our selfishness. We didn't get what we wanted.

Our plan is disturbed.

What you have is an opportunity to love unconditionally and to be of service.

The grief comes from our expectations.

The grief comes from fear.

Our program tells us what to do with fear.

"Avoid then, the deliberate manufacture of misery, but if trouble comes, cheerfully capitalize it as an opportunity to demonstrate His omnipotence."

Chapter 9, The Family Afterward, Alcoholics Anonymous

FeenixxRising

drunktastic, I would also point out that since you appear to be early in this journey, you don't really know what the future holds? Your child is very young, and research and treatment for Autism continues and should get better with each passing year.

I don't want to give false hope, especially because I don't know the degree of your child's condition, but I would also suggest that 1) perhaps things aren't as bad as you may believe, and 2) you may find that this situation gives you a profoundly different view of what a happy and fulfilling life is.

drunktastic1002

Feenixrising-I appreciate your replies and am grateful for your compassion. The suggestion of attending a support group for parents like me is a good one and just may be the support I need. I'm afraid, thus far, no one in the AA program has shared much in the way of experience, strength and hope regarding grieving during sobriety; just endless lit quotes and slogans.

ESD907

My son is on the spectrum, not officially diagnosed until mid 4th Grade, almost 10 years old. he is 12 now and starting 7th grade in 10 days. I understand, much of how you feel. He's a very difficult child in many ways and I grieve for what his future will be. I don't grieve for myself at all. I'm there to make his future as good as it can be. If you want to dicuss anything regarding this, please feel free to private message me. I do understand a lot of how you feel.

desypete

i lost my son 2 years ago from stomach cancer in less that a year he went from a healthy lad to a skeleton who couldn't eat nor drink to quench his thirst he had to suck on ice for every drop of water as he would be violently sick otherwise
it was no pretty death he suffered and i miss him everyday,

dont know what to say to you really as i dont know anything about autism how long have they given your son to live ?

message me if you need a chat

cookiesncream

Hope I'm not being too forward here but a giant cyber ((hug)). I've been sober far less long than you have but I relate all too well to "what do I do NOW" to cope with lifes ugly realities. Without a doubt stressors such as illness and grief and how to cope without my liquid crutch have been the most difficult aspects of my sobriety. I am finding that I am needing to reach out to others facing the same challenges and get help and support from those avenues.

I don't have an autistic child but I would think that your feelings are likely very normal. AA may not be the avenue however for finding support for those particular challenges. This is not to discount AA in any way but I regard it as merely one tool to handle lifes challenges and it may be time to add more tools to the toolbox such as others have suggested?

Peace,

Soberpotamus

First of all, I am sorry that this happened to your family. I can't imagine, as I have no human children and don't have much experience with autistic children at this point.

I can only tell you how I've been able to deal with grief sober. My mother died in 2010 and I got sober in 2013, so I'd already been hit hardest with it while drinking. What I noticed is that I released a huge amount of grief just days after I got sober. It was as if it had been festering there still, after three years. So I can say for sure that drinking through something like this gives you little chance at coping well or releasing some of the pain.

Also, I have noticed that the grief comes in small spurts... because our brains aren't meant to process it all at once, apparently. It will hit me all of a sudden sometimes... I'll remember something, then I'll feel my chest and throat tightening, my stomach tightening, etc. Then finally, I can cry. I don't cry every time, but the tears do flow more easily now after four years.

I have learned to just let go and let it overtake me... at first, it felt horrible. Like it would never end. Like I might be engulfed by it all. I can tell you that is not the case... it does lessen, it does get better, lighter, easier to handle.

Are we allowed to be angry as alcoholics? Ha! I'm not sure who is the authority here, but I have certainly been angry. Raging mad, at times. And it did NOT lead me back to a drink, because I don't allow that to happen anymore. Drinking is no longer an option, no matter how bad I feel.

If you are angry, you are angry... the worst thing would be to try and pretend otherwise. But there's a place of surrendering to reality, accepting what is... as long as you grieve, get angry, and feel all the emotions while simultaneously not denying them, not acting on them, and most of all... not drinking, you will be ok.

zjw

I cant try to know what its like to have an autistic child or a child with some disability etc.. I have 6 kids. I have met a few autistic children and I find them fascinating. I've met kids with down syndrome and I find them so loveable.

I'm sure its scary and I'm sure its a lot of work and I"m sure theres a lot I just dont know about it. But your child seems lucky to have you.

Grief is a tough emotion to attach to your situation. You child has a disablity your child is going to need you to be there for them. It will work out.

There is a guy Nick Vujicic he has some videos on youtube. he was born with no arms and legs. His mom would tell him so what your missing a few bits and pieces its ok nothing wrong with him its just how God made him.

You might find in time your child is perfect just the way that your child is. It might also be a good thing to help you have purpose and remain sober etc..

When life gives you lemons make some lemonade is what i'm getting at.

One of my childrens middle name is after a relative who has autism. This child with autism is great hes such a good kid and he's his own special person. and he's a TANK boy is huge haha but he's a good kid and I'm not sure anyone would want him any other way.

zjw

Geeze DesyPete. sorry to hear that. I can only imagine Congrats on hanging in there through that. I'm not sure if i could.

SavingSelf

Hi there. I don't have an answer but just wanted to let you know I am going through something similar. My now six year old daughter was diagnosed with a terminal condition at two. It is progressive (neurologically)and she has changed a lot for the worse. But she is still with us and we still get lots of laughs and smiles. My grief is hard and often. As her illness is progressive, it is tough to properly grieve as it is always getting worse. I got sober about 1 1/2 years- a years post diagnosis. And now at almost 2 years sober my daughter continues to decline.

I just remember that I am a sober woman and I am allowed to be angry and upset as that is an appropriate response to this situation.

I def use AA's ideas of "one day at a time" and powerlessness. I know I need to continue to do the next right thing for my daughter (stay sober, get her the best therapies, docs, treatment). But, at the end of the day I am powerless over her illness. Still working on acceptance. Right now I am just willing to accept that I may not ever "accept" this.

Hang in there and good luck.

zjw

You have a great attitude. I was listening to a speaker recently and he said it is best for us to live in the moment becuase its all that we have. That being said i take that to mean to make the best / most out of each moment.

I had a friend of mine we talked about high cholesterol one day she told me hers has always been low shes never had an issue with that. I said wow your really lucky! she said "nope I just got cancer. " all through her battle she had such a great outlook about it. she was not too up nor too down. She said so much to me with just that simple statement. Shes gone now but we all have our problems. I thought my cholesterol issue was the pits and boy she was so lucky to not have that issue i said. But she had many of her own issues to battle.

sometimes it just is what it is. It just keeps going through my head "what is, is good enough" theres a good reason we all have the issues we have we just dont always realize it.

I grow the nicest veggies out of chicken poop go figure.

drunktastic1002

Thank all of you so much for your compassion and caring words. What I love most about recovery is never being alone in my pain or in my joy and the idea that I can always find someone who will say ' I get it.' Many of you have related your own circumstances of dealing with loss, grief, confusion; thank you for your generosity and willingness to share.

Ken33xx

You can't ignore what you're feeling and pretending otherwise certainly won't help matters.


Very good idea.

tomsteve

"I have never actually gone through grief sober and I need help.How have you handled grief or loss in recovery? Where is the line between sadness and self-pity? As alcoholics, are we ever allowed to be mad? What do you say to/pray for when you hate your Higher Power's will? Sidebar: I am receiving outside help from a professional therapist."

first wanna say good on ya for wanting help!!!
I had a very emotional winter and lots of grieving through it after the death of someone very close to me. it was very hard watching her the last 6 months of her life and the pain and suffering she went through, but can say im very greatful to have been there for her.

the line between grief and self pity....very good you see that!!!!! I was having a terrible day in there and talked to a friend. told her I felt my feelings were all self pity. im missin that woman,feeling lost. my friend said let the feelings flow and don't stuff them. so I did. it worked.


are we ever allowed to be mad?
IMO, yes. theres justifiable anger. but for me I have to do something about it. here again I was getting some times with anger. so I talked to my friend again( I talked to her a lot through this as she had gone through some pretty rough times with grief). she said tall God. scream at Him if ya feel like it. so I did. had some pretty harsh words comin out of my mouth,too.
every single time I did that, after wearing myself out, I could feel Him.right there with me. the feeling I had was comfort. i cant explain it other than that, but it felt good.

what did i say to God when i hated Him and was angry at Him. welp, i said i was angry and hated him. when i prayed i asked for guidance , for strength, knowledge, comfort and a jillion other things. sometimes it was just,"help,me please because i don't know what i need!"
it was refreshing to hear my friend tell me its ok to let the feelings flow, but she also suggested to be careful to not let them control my actions. she knows me pretty good and knows when im angry( anger can be a stage of grieving and she knew that) i can be very hateful. so i worked at keeping myself in check. when i was angry i stayed away from other people and close to God.

one of the greatest things she reminded me was to say in today and with what was happening right at that moment.

there was a whole lot more she helped me with, more than i can remember, but one of the greatest things she said was to stay in today and only work on what was happening at the moment.

ya got prayers out for ya, drunktastic!