overandoverture

Ok, I need some advice. First, a little background:

I'm polyamorous, meaning I have two partners. One I have been with for nearly six years, and am currently living with, and the other I have been with for nearly a year. Both know about each other and everyone is happy with the arrangement.

I've decided to move out from the home I share with partner #1. We live with a couple of other people, and this arrangement has not been suiting me lately, for reasons that are not relevant to this post. I have been talking for a while about moving in with partner #2, and he was very excited about this.

I talked to partner #1 about the idea, and he thought me moving out would be great for my personal growth, and for our relationship (we've lived together for pretty much the entire duration of our relationship), but he thinks I should live alone. I've never done it before, and frankly, the idea scares me, but that just says to me that it would help me to grow a lot as a person. Partner #2, on the other hand, was very upset by this suggestion.

Now, here's where you guys come in: Partner #2 is also an alcoholic, and has started his recovery along with me. I am trying, for the life of me to figure out what has more potential harm for my recovery: a) living alone, where there's no-one to look over my shoulder, or b) living with someone who is also new to recovery, where if one of us slips, the other probably will too.

I know this is a complicated situation, but can anyone offer any advice?

caboblanco

living alone is better...especially when your partners are jealous of one another...getting sober and or recovering is a road you take alone imo

Dee74

Thats a tough one, and difficult to give advice on without knowing the players.

I know from my experience that I can definitely stay sober living alone...I even stayed sober in the same flat I used to drink in.

When you commit to recovery and you have the support you need all things are possible

but living with someone who has the propensity to be a partner in crime?
I think that road might be a little more slippery and hazardous.

just my .02

Obviously and ultimately, the decision is yours.
D

trailrunrbyday

I agree with the living alone suggestions. You need to protect your sobriety and avoid any potential situations that you know could bring you down. I'm not sure how you are approaching sobriety but for me this is a journey of personal growth beyond just escaping the haze of alcohol. I lived alone for several years and at first I was dreading feeling lonely etc but eventually when I moved in with what is now my Husband I mourned the loss of my personal sanctuary and to this day I miss my little apartment where I would light candles and play jazz or take apart and clean my mountain bike in the living room at midnight....

biminiblue

I've lived alone most of my adult life, so you probably know which one I'd say.

I don't think I'd want to combine two recoveries in the same house if I could avoid it, too much potential for unneeded drama.

I love living alone. Love it. Never going back if I can help it.

overandoverture

This is all great advice, thanks guys.

I should add though, that I have told partner #2 about my possible intentions to live alone, and he has not taken it well. He did a lot of online yelling (because we are in separate countries right now while I am on holiday) about his needs, and how could my mind possibly change. He wouldn't listen to reason, or compromise, telling me that I'm putting him in a position because he can't afford to get a place by himself. The whole thing is really stressing me out, to be honest.

ScottFromWI

To be quite frank, there is probably nothing you can do that will please 2 partners. Most people have a hard enough time pleasing 1 ;-)

You should do whatever you feel is best for your recovery. There will be negative consequences no matter what you do - make sure you protect your sobriety first and foremost, and be prepared that there will be unintended consequences regardless of what you do.

Hawkeye13

Partner #2 sounds pretty needy.

That isn't good for anybody's recovery.

Why is it your problem to help him afford to live?

What's he doing now?

I do think Partner #1 may have been tossing a spanner in the works for Partner #2 with his suggestion--

But, Partner #2's blow up seems to have quite a lot of red flags flying.

I would not be coerced into moving in with a person because they needed you to:
1)afford a place
2)keep them sober

Keeping your sobriety safe supercedes just about everything if you have alcohol issues.
In short, if drinking is going to screw up your life again, put that first and relationships second since they will be trashed anyway if you start drinking again.

By the way--living alone is amazing and if you haven't done it as an adult, I would seriously consider that as a growth option.

My 2 cents and good luck

overandoverture

Oh no, Hawkeye, Partner #1 is a very mature adult who would never do something just to throw a spanner in the works. He honestly has my best interests in mind, I really believe that.

As for partner #2, I love him very much, but he may have some growing up to do. I have also talked to some mutual friends of ours, and so far consensus is unanimous that I shouldn't move in with him just yet.

biminiblue

Partner #2 sounds like trouble.

Using guilt to manipulate you is never a good sign.

Red flags all over the place there.

He may be interesting, new and exciting, but that kind of drama gets old really fast.

readerbaby71

Since you're afraid of living alone maybe challenging yourself and doing it would help you grow. Living with an active alcoholic is not fun.

ScottFromWI

In your original post, you mentioned that everyone was happy with your current living arrangement except you ( for reasons not relevant to the post ). So basically you are trying to make a change to suit you, and no matter what you do there are going to be implications as one or the other of your partners will not like your decision for whatever reason.

Ask yourself ( rhetorically ) what exactly it is you are trying to avoid or gain from moving/changing your current situation. And look at what is best for your sobriety. It's difficult to answer as I personally can't see how anyone could ever maintain a polyamorous relationship long term no matter where you live, so my advice may not really even be valid. But living alone seems like the best choice you could make to me.

Hawkeye13

Upon rereading, the living alone option may be the most possible gain
with the least possible risk.

Living alone really is terrific, as I said before.
Glad to hear Partner #1 has your best interests in mind

Gargery

Let me preface this by saying I don't know diddly about living sober. That said, I've avoided sexual relationships with other alcoholics because I'm worried one party's failure might lead the other to relapse. Obviously, you already have an established relationship, so your situation is different. I like living alone because it lets me concentrate on ME. The monk's life isn't so bad, so far.

chuckcheese

I think living alone gives you the best chance. My ex and i both drank heavily and there is no way i would be able to avoid a relapse living with her. We would take breaks from drinking but never at the same time and always returning to the bottle.