Alcoholic Boyfriend says; I'm the Bitch!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Los Angelas
Posts: 2
Alcoholic Boyfriend says; I'm the Bitch!
Talk about living in hell! He lives in MY house I am buying before he moved in and I'm always the one who is left with all of the load on my shoulders. I've had deep feelings for the past 9 years Ive been with this guy, (I hate myself for it) and have totally enabled the product of his behavior I am now having to deal with! I cared so much for him, I had small amounts of resentment about working my full-time job, (just as he does), but yet I'm expected to DO ALL OF THE DOMESTIC CHORES! I use to be able to maintain the small resentments regarding his attitude of feeling no obligation to doing what most take for granted; taking out the trash, mowing the yards, carring a dish to the sink. Not once in 9 years has he ever turned on the vacuum, cleaned a toilet, sink or tub, loaded or unloaded the dishwasher, cared for our pets, shopped for groceries that he also consumes, or worried about a bill being paid on time. Well, now I'm not only suppose to assume all responsibilities of household chores, I'm now suppose to put up with his extreme drunken antics. He calls me a bitch if I dare lash out one angry word about him spending every waking second that he's not working by sitting in a bar. If he's not working or sitting in a bar then he's either passed out sleeping for days on end (literly), or else waking me up from a deep sleep, (on a work night for me), with crashing sounds of him coming in sloppy drunk, banging around, cussing at me, calling every filthy name you can think of, slopping food all over the house, knocking over furniture, and keeping me in total terror! Do you think he is even one of those repeated "I'm sorry" drunks the next day? Think again! He stays totally balled up with anger with an attitude that he has every right to mad AT ME. He goes off pouting in the bedroom by laying in bed and acting as though I CAUSED THE TENSION between us! It's worse than the twilight zone. If I try to have a rational conversation about how his drinking is affecting me when he's sobbered up, he flips out yelling at me and starts bringing up ridiculous issues that had absolutely nothing to do what so ever with the matter at hand. Issues like "You don't appreciate anything I do". (WHAT??) How can I appreciate a doctor Jekle Mr. Hide that may one day, out of the clear blue, spend a bunch of money on something (buying new furniture), that I never asked for, wanted, or even felt was needed, but went out of my way to not hurt him or be-little his generousity and tell him how much I loved it, and respond by saying to him; he shouldn't spend all of his money on something like that when he could just as well buy himself new clothes, or save it to buy a new vehicle for himself that he could definitley use? How can I enjoy any unexpected gifts I don't ask for when I know it will be thrown in my face after the next drunken episode? Or appreciate a nice gesture when the other 90% of home life with him is total misery, zero consideration, total disrespect by derrogotorie name calling that I certainly didn't earn. Many of my family and friends have told me for a long time now that I must have nerves of steel to take the abuse and tollerate this hurtful, painful behavior he dishes out. Well, I don't have nerves of steel. I'm starting to lose it. To make matters worse, I've had the most stress I've ever had to deal with in my entire life these past few months; Close family members passed away, a beloved pet had to be euthenized, my sister who just recently was released from prison is trying to put her life back on track but isn't getting many breaks, so I've lent her money to help her keep her home, baught her groceries, lent her my car, babysat her kids, all the while making numerous trips to my mother's house to care for her since she's dying of cancer and has made multiple trips to the hospital. I'm litterly falling apart, but Me,- the bitch isn't suppose to get upset or say one word about my so-called "mate" staying out drunk, coming home raising hell, costing me several more years off my life from the stress he lays on me by not having one ounce of compassion, consideration, or true meaningful feelings of support during my rough times. What's wrong with this picture? I told him to move out but he doesn't take me serious and hasn't made one effort to even start moving out. ( He know's he's got it made having a 24-7 servant, paying a small contribution towards living expenses "whenever he feels like it" which is never a consistent amount or steady payment I can ever count on!). I'm not a bitch, I am, however the biggest idiot in the world for allowing this to continue for so long. Now I'm paying and nearly having a total breakdown, but know that I can't. Who else will take care of my mom, my sister, her kids, my financial responsibilities. I have no time to be incapacitated. Can anyone relate to feeling so stupid? P.S. I don't even drink!
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
So....why do you stay with him?
You can move out, or throw him out.
If he won't move out, you can pack his stuff, move it out for him, and get a restraining order.
I almost hate to ask this, but are you possibly exaggerating the situation a bit?
If not, is there anything in this relationship worth salvaging?
Or, as Ann Landers would ask, are you better off with him or without him?
This is not a healthy situation, and his drinking is only part of the problem....
Don S
You can move out, or throw him out.
If he won't move out, you can pack his stuff, move it out for him, and get a restraining order.
I almost hate to ask this, but are you possibly exaggerating the situation a bit?
If not, is there anything in this relationship worth salvaging?
Or, as Ann Landers would ask, are you better off with him or without him?
This is not a healthy situation, and his drinking is only part of the problem....
Don S
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Los Angelas
Posts: 2
Reply to Don
I don't mind you asking if it I'm exaggerating the situation. Actually, only because I didn't want to write a novel, honest to god - I just touched the tip of the iceberg! You don't know how many holidays I spent home alone crying while he stayed out all night drinking! I'm not "staying with him". This is my house, which I've been chased out on several occasions by my choice of not being harrassed all night by going to a motel when things got too out of hand, just so I could get some sleep and make it to work. As it currently is, I have the choice of sleeping in my own bed, (putting another stamp of approval on his behavior) or sleeping in the guest room, so I'm sleeping in the guest room! I just gave him an offical "written 30-notice" which I haven't done before, but he just laughs it off. As far as me packing his stuff, that is my next move. I'm pretty sure that's what it's going to take since he's too lazy to do it himself, and the fact that to the outside world, I'll look like the bad guy and he's the poor innocent victim.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 1,432
Ok, I was just kind of checking...I realize you wanted to vent, and wondered if that was leading you to exaggerate.
There may be some people who will consider him the innocent victim, but you know the reality of the situation. If he drinks as much as you're describing, you may be surprised how many people will be supportive.
I know this sounds simplistic, but it doesn't matter what other people think. What matters is that you are very angry and stressed, and the only way you see to resolve that is separation.
Have you talked to a lawyer? And, do you think he's dangerous? What would he be likely to do if you packed his stuff, had it delivered somewhere, and changed the locks?
Whether or not he's been physically abusive, the support groups for abused spouses/families have some very useful information on dealing with the financial and legal issues involved here. A consultation with a lawyer and a counselor could save you a lot of trouble and danger. Between them they can help you work up a plan. And support from one or two friends can help you stick with it.
As for the anger and stress, well...I hope that venting here is helpful to you!
Best wishes,
Don S
There may be some people who will consider him the innocent victim, but you know the reality of the situation. If he drinks as much as you're describing, you may be surprised how many people will be supportive.
I know this sounds simplistic, but it doesn't matter what other people think. What matters is that you are very angry and stressed, and the only way you see to resolve that is separation.
Have you talked to a lawyer? And, do you think he's dangerous? What would he be likely to do if you packed his stuff, had it delivered somewhere, and changed the locks?
Whether or not he's been physically abusive, the support groups for abused spouses/families have some very useful information on dealing with the financial and legal issues involved here. A consultation with a lawyer and a counselor could save you a lot of trouble and danger. Between them they can help you work up a plan. And support from one or two friends can help you stick with it.
As for the anger and stress, well...I hope that venting here is helpful to you!
Best wishes,
Don S
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: western canada
Posts: 1,441
Hey Wish...
Nice rant... ;o)
But.. all that is fixable just by laying down a few boundaries.
No person in this world is responsible for another person. We all have to do our fair share... unless we can get away with it... which is exactly what I think your BF is trying to do big time.
But... bottom line...
Your allowing most of what's going on to happen.. so really... can you blame him for taking advantage of it? I mean sure... there's lots of guys out there that wouldn't... but this particular guy has no compunction about using you.... and that's pretty obvious... so...
This is very telling as well..
You might want to look at why your feeling responsible for all this???
Nice rant... ;o)
But.. all that is fixable just by laying down a few boundaries.
No person in this world is responsible for another person. We all have to do our fair share... unless we can get away with it... which is exactly what I think your BF is trying to do big time.
But... bottom line...
Your allowing most of what's going on to happen.. so really... can you blame him for taking advantage of it? I mean sure... there's lots of guys out there that wouldn't... but this particular guy has no compunction about using you.... and that's pretty obvious... so...
This is very telling as well..
Now I'm paying and nearly having a total breakdown, but know that I can't. Who else will take care of my mom, my sister, her kids, my financial responsibilities. I have no time to be incapacitated
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hmmm...he's a lucky guy to have you carry him for so long. You've given him a free ride and he's not stupid.
You don't seem to have an emotional attachment to this leech anymore, and you want him out. He's had 30 day's notice and he is counting on you not following through on that (judging on how you have acted in the past?). Here are some suggestions for your consideration:
1. Have a locksmith change the locks when the 30 days are up.
2. Warn the police about what you are doing and say you are expecting disturbance or worse when he can't get in.
3. Be emotionally prepared for abuse. He's had his way so far, and a big tantrum would not be out of the question.
4. If possible take the day off on D-day to remove all his things for collection from the verge so he has no reason to come inside.
5. Block his number if you start getting abusive or nuisance text/calls.
6. Now your sister is available for you, use her for moral support.
The above is not a prescription. I guess the main message is to follow through on your eviction notice and do it in a planned way.
You don't seem to have an emotional attachment to this leech anymore, and you want him out. He's had 30 day's notice and he is counting on you not following through on that (judging on how you have acted in the past?). Here are some suggestions for your consideration:
1. Have a locksmith change the locks when the 30 days are up.
2. Warn the police about what you are doing and say you are expecting disturbance or worse when he can't get in.
3. Be emotionally prepared for abuse. He's had his way so far, and a big tantrum would not be out of the question.
4. If possible take the day off on D-day to remove all his things for collection from the verge so he has no reason to come inside.
5. Block his number if you start getting abusive or nuisance text/calls.
6. Now your sister is available for you, use her for moral support.
The above is not a prescription. I guess the main message is to follow through on your eviction notice and do it in a planned way.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
Originally Posted by Dee74 
Just a note - the original post here is nearly 10 years old... 
D
D
Thanks, Dee!
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