Butterfly

Hi folks I'm not on this part of the forum very often but was wondering if you could give me some advise re my separated AH.

I was speaking to him today and he is very depressed and is refusing to accept help except medication which I know won't work while he is still actively drinking! Anyway he seems to have this defeated attitude he said he wants to wallow in depression as he finds comfort in it as this is what he deserves!

He has also been texting me and saying things like 'I'm a drunken b******, I'm useless that's just me who I am end of and no good for you!!' He has also said things like I'm miserable but that tough sh*t on him.

Is it normal to feel the way he is feeling have any of you felt this way?? He is spiralling and I know I can't help him he has to seek recovery for himself.

I appreciate your insight

suki44883

He's wallowing in self-pity and giving himself an excuse to drink himself stupid.

You would do well to cut contact with him for a while. He's in drinking and feeling sorry for himself mode and all reading his BS is doing is making you feel bad. Leave him to his pity party and make a nice day for yourself.

Butterfly

I thought that but wasn't sure if it was self pity or if he starting to hit bottom!! Thank you

Boleo

Have you tried posting this in:

Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Butterfly

I usually do post there but thought I would receive some insight into this from others on this side of the forum

IOAA2

Have you considered face to face Alanon meetings, they help so many and certainly understand such situations.

BE WELL

Wastinglife

I was once in the same depths of despair as your husband. The only way I was able to get out of that hole was to enter inpatient rehab. Is that an option you or your husband have considered?

Butterfly

I have and I've researched a few places but he won't seek help and it has to be him.

Tamerua

If you have offered to help him and he just doesn't want to, then that's it. He is the only one go can save himself at this point. I would put the texts on ignore, no need for you to feel as miserable.

I can't offer any insight, don't know that he could either, it is insanity. Take care of yourself though.

Butterfly

Thank you just want to know if this is normal for alcoholics to feel this way? I know I can't help him but is it normal for someone to want to wallow

Confuzd

In my experience, yes, it is normal for alcoholics to wallow in self pity and self hatred. I did it, and so did my alcoholic friends. Some can be in this state for years, it seems. I don't think anyone can be certain whether someone is starting to "hit bottom" or not, "hitting bottom" is very personal and only the alcoholic can say when enough is enough. I'm sorry you are in this situation.

biminiblue

Butterfly, nothing an alcoholic does is normal.

You need to get out of his disease, seriously. Stop diagnosing and offering the cure. You are only making yourself miserable. He is pushing you away - I would go.

He is depressed mostly because he is drinking. ALCOHOL IS A DEPRESSANT. He isn't capable of working on it while drinking.

Let. it. go. You're not going to figure it out, he will or won't hit bottom and even if there is something you think is bottom, there is definitely more bottom to come after that if he is still alive.

Butterfly

Thank you confuzd and biminiblue. I appreciate your response

EndGameNYC

Even if it were, it isn't an encouraging sign.

A good friend of mine and her three young children went through this with her now-ex-husband for over a year until he at first became aggressive and then violent.

As others have suggested, this is a good time for you to start taking care of whatever it is that you need or want in your own life and, if you have children, their lives as well.

cookiesncream

Can't add to anything else folks have said just echo it. I have met very few fellow alcoholics that were perfectly happy people before they were drinking. I know that detaching is the hardest thing in the world but for your own sanity you need to. Find an Al-Anon meeting or one of the alternative recovery meetings for friends and families of alcoholics. Online, phone meetings, in person they're all out there. We are a stubborn lot and unfortunately until/unless we are ready to face our addictions you really can't do anything. As I'm sure you've read many many times before over on the Friends and Family forum dig deep within yourself, determine what your boundaries are, stick by them, and focus on YOU.

Oh and yes, wallowing in self pity happens to be a specialty of mine. I can't speak for everyone certainly but I sure was a pro. Thinking rationally while drunk was also not something I did well.

Peace to you.