Happiness?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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I like knowing that there is beauty all around even in weird places.. like a flower growing up through the concrete. So taking time to find joy in the simplest things helps. I also have a rather sick sense of humor ...so I can find hilarity even when there is some pain going on. I do not define happiness as the absence of all problems or the absence of people that insist on causing drama.. but my ability to not let them ruffle me is important to my happiness. Being able to design a life where I can get away from the drama people increases my happiness...we all need some peace away from drama.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by HopefulFaithful 
I like knowing that there is beauty all around even in weird places.. like a flower growing up through the concrete. So taking time to find joy in the simplest things helps. I also have a rather sick sense of humor ...so I can find hilarity even when there is some pain going on. I do not define happiness as the absence of all problems or the absence of people that insist on causing drama.. but my ability to not let them ruffle me is important to my happiness. Being able to design a life where I can get away from the drama people increases my happiness...we all need some peace away from drama.
Having just come off of a period of almost 2 weeks with my family where they definitely ruffled me, I appreciate the notion of getting away from the drama. I think my Dad has a personality disorder and he also drinks and then he says horrible things to me. I decided this past week, that I am done with him on an emotional level, because waiting for his approval will never make me happy! It will make me feel like this:
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Katie, here is another one that I like. It's related to the idea (I think Carl said on top) of not looking for happiness, especially not obsessively, and not worrying if not every moment is full of joy. Also what JD said about "detachment" - I just like to use a discrimination for this and say non-attachment, to emphasize it's not escape and withdrawal, but a relaxed state of being in the world. It's also similar to the well-known spiritual tradition "To be in the world but not of it".
The way I like to express this is being open to the world without much expectation, exploring in an open-minded, free-spirited way, taking whatever comes our way but still trying to make sensible decisions. In my experience, if we are open, the world is also much more open to us.
The way I like to express this is being open to the world without much expectation, exploring in an open-minded, free-spirited way, taking whatever comes our way but still trying to make sensible decisions. In my experience, if we are open, the world is also much more open to us.
30yrdrunk
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 89
Just being a productive member of society makes me happy. There are plenty of things that I enjoy that I look forward to. The things I look forward to help me to get through tough things like work. There is nothing better than getting a couple of hours of free time at night after a hard days work. I am married with two kids (4 and 7). I take great joy in just being with my family. Watching a show with my kids before they go to bed. It is so rewarding just watching them grow up. Overall, I am thankful and feel blessed.
I've screwed up plenty too. Binge drinking has caused me some real pain in my life. I picked up in my early teen years and now at 45 I am now discovering who I really am. It is sad but at the same time I am happy to finally be putting things together. I feel like i've finally removed the greatest obstacle in my life.
I am little better than 7 months sober today. It hasn't been easy but things seem to get better everyday. I always rewarded myself with drinking. I would sacrifice for a week or two and the big payoff was to get drunk and let loose. The temporary euphoria always led me to shame, regret, embarrassment, illness and anxiety. My attempts at moderation never seemed to work. Now I march forward without something that had been a way of life for 30yrs.
I've screwed up plenty too. Binge drinking has caused me some real pain in my life. I picked up in my early teen years and now at 45 I am now discovering who I really am. It is sad but at the same time I am happy to finally be putting things together. I feel like i've finally removed the greatest obstacle in my life.
I am little better than 7 months sober today. It hasn't been easy but things seem to get better everyday. I always rewarded myself with drinking. I would sacrifice for a week or two and the big payoff was to get drunk and let loose. The temporary euphoria always led me to shame, regret, embarrassment, illness and anxiety. My attempts at moderation never seemed to work. Now I march forward without something that had been a way of life for 30yrs.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by Katie88
because waiting for his approval will never make me happy! It will make me feel like this:
Approval is a trap. Blame is a trap. In my opinion.. when either one have anything to do with a decision or an action I am about to make.. I better look more closely... before I act.
So in the end .. we have to lay on our pillow each night and forgive ourselves and be proud of ourselves and release our desire to blame others for anything at all.. and just look at the tiny sliver of life which we can control and see how we did with that each day and be proud of what we did well. Approval is kind of irrelevant to that tiny goal.. because it is what another thinks of you.. and what matters to me.. is what I think of how I handled the tiny little bit of my life I could control.. and what choices I made.
It is very difficult when you are dealing with personality disorders. I have found a way to have a bit of compassion with the personality disordered folks... so I have a forgiveness towards them.. but it does not make it all that much easier to protect my boundaries around their craziness.
Right now I am trying to keep the personality disordered folks from crossing the line and trying to keep them from entering my space. They can be very onery, persistent and blow right past every boundary..even the one that I wish absolutely no contact.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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Originally Posted by HopefulFaithful
Very good.. (I'd say VG Grasshopper, but you may be too young to have watched the silly tv show to which I refer )
Approval is a trap. Blame is a trap. In my opinion.. when either one have anything to do with a decision or an action I am about to make.. I better look more closely... before I act.
So in the end .. we have to lay on our pillow each night and forgive ourselves and be proud of ourselves and release our desire to blame others for anything at all.. and just look at the tiny sliver of life which we can control and see how we did with that each day and be proud of what we did well. Approval is kind of irrelevant to that tiny goal.. because it is what another thinks of you.. and what matters to me.. is what I think of how I handled the tiny little bit of my life I could control.. and what choices I made.
It is very difficult when you are dealing with personality disorders. I have found a way to have a bit of compassion with the personality disordered folks... so I have a forgiveness towards them.. but it does not make it all that much easier to protect my boundaries around their craziness.
Right now I am trying to keep the personality disordered folks from crossing the line and trying to keep them from entering my space. They can be very onery, persistent and blow right past every boundary..even the one that I wish absolutely no contact.
Approval is a trap. Blame is a trap. In my opinion.. when either one have anything to do with a decision or an action I am about to make.. I better look more closely... before I act.
So in the end .. we have to lay on our pillow each night and forgive ourselves and be proud of ourselves and release our desire to blame others for anything at all.. and just look at the tiny sliver of life which we can control and see how we did with that each day and be proud of what we did well. Approval is kind of irrelevant to that tiny goal.. because it is what another thinks of you.. and what matters to me.. is what I think of how I handled the tiny little bit of my life I could control.. and what choices I made.
It is very difficult when you are dealing with personality disorders. I have found a way to have a bit of compassion with the personality disordered folks... so I have a forgiveness towards them.. but it does not make it all that much easier to protect my boundaries around their craziness.
Right now I am trying to keep the personality disordered folks from crossing the line and trying to keep them from entering my space. They can be very onery, persistent and blow right past every boundary..even the one that I wish absolutely no contact.
sorry, I love the emoticons in this site. Too funny!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by Katie88
Thank you for this! Yes, personality disorders are hard to deal with. I have a MA in Counseling and a BA in Psychology, yet it took me this long to realize my Dad is a narcissist and thats why he acts the way he does. I have to find a way to be there for him yet extract myself from the volatile conversations that he seems to consistently seek!!! Or else I'll just be :headband
sorry, I love the emoticons in this site. Too funny!
sorry, I love the emoticons in this site. Too funny!
In the case of a parent that needs your medical care and is a royal pain in the personality disorder... then I suggest figure out now if you can how to make the narc save for his own elder care and hire someone during the day at least if you can and get headphones and ignore him part of the time if he is bedridden in your home. Then sit down with him only briefly at scheduled times ... back with the ignoring and headphones the rest of the time. I don't really care if that sounds cruel. It only sounds cruel if you have not been around a manipulative narc who cannot leave anyone alone and sees all of us as someone to toy with.
If he is healthy... then get away from him. You do not owe him your soul. There may come a time when family obligations say you have to care for him to some degree..and prepare yourself for that now and until then... if you have those degrees and clinical experience.. do you know any true narcs that changed? My ex husband the narc just gets worse.. my goal in the next few years is teach the children to look within for strength and show them how I ignore him without telling them to do it.. but demonstrate him not ruffling me.... because he will turn on them one day.
If your dad is a true narc and you are young... save yourself... get out of there.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 112
Originally Posted by HopefulFaithful
In particular with Narcs... if you can manage no contact that is my preference.
In the case of a parent that needs your medical care and is a royal pain in the personality disorder... then I suggest figure out now if you can how to make the narc save for his own elder care and hire someone during the day at least if you can and get headphones and ignore him part of the time if he is bedridden in your home. Then sit down with him only briefly at scheduled times ... back with the ignoring and headphones the rest of the time. I don't really care if that sounds cruel. It only sounds cruel if you have not been around a manipulative narc who cannot leave anyone alone and sees all of us as someone to toy with.
If he is healthy... then get away from him. You do not owe him your soul. There may come a time when family obligations say you have to care for him to some degree..and prepare yourself for that now and until then... if you have those degrees and clinical experience.. do you know any true narcs that changed? My ex husband the narc just gets worse.. my goal in the next few years is teach the children to look within for strength and show them how I ignore him without telling them to do it.. but demonstrate him not ruffling me.... because he will turn on them one day.
If your dad is a true narc and you are young... save yourself... get out of there.
In the case of a parent that needs your medical care and is a royal pain in the personality disorder... then I suggest figure out now if you can how to make the narc save for his own elder care and hire someone during the day at least if you can and get headphones and ignore him part of the time if he is bedridden in your home. Then sit down with him only briefly at scheduled times ... back with the ignoring and headphones the rest of the time. I don't really care if that sounds cruel. It only sounds cruel if you have not been around a manipulative narc who cannot leave anyone alone and sees all of us as someone to toy with.
If he is healthy... then get away from him. You do not owe him your soul. There may come a time when family obligations say you have to care for him to some degree..and prepare yourself for that now and until then... if you have those degrees and clinical experience.. do you know any true narcs that changed? My ex husband the narc just gets worse.. my goal in the next few years is teach the children to look within for strength and show them how I ignore him without telling them to do it.. but demonstrate him not ruffling me.... because he will turn on them one day.
If your dad is a true narc and you are young... save yourself... get out of there.
He admits to be NPD and a workaholic. He is toxic for me, as I am a sensitive emotional soul. He constantly tells me I am too fat, unsuccessful, etc, which is based solely on his standards of success. Mine are very different. I am an academic and someone who likes to help my students and other people....so the corporate fat cat mentality is not attractive to me. He is healthy now ( 62) but won't be forever. He keeps emailing me and texting me incessantly and I literally wrote an email to him saying i need to establish boundaries and i am very concerned about the continuing volatility of our relationship. It is just hard to cut off parents, especially parents who are insistent about being involved with you emotionally.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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My opinion is very strong on this subject. So.. I suggest you seek pro help.
It is the same kind of opinion I would share with an abused woman.
If he is physically healthy go no contact for at least 6 months and seek your own therapy and learn how to not react to narcs.
That is my very strong opinion after having learned the hard way what they are like when they turn on you. Protect yourself.. take a vacation from him and nurture yourself and get it together. You will be stronger if you take a vacation from him.
Pretend you have a secretary and send a not in the office email to his emails and get caller ID and literally go no contact. Dont tell him first.. just do it. Don't tell him he effects you... they love that power. Narcs are trouble.
Dont let him know he has had this effect on you it just encourages it.
It is the same kind of opinion I would share with an abused woman.
If he is physically healthy go no contact for at least 6 months and seek your own therapy and learn how to not react to narcs.
That is my very strong opinion after having learned the hard way what they are like when they turn on you. Protect yourself.. take a vacation from him and nurture yourself and get it together. You will be stronger if you take a vacation from him.
Pretend you have a secretary and send a not in the office email to his emails and get caller ID and literally go no contact. Dont tell him first.. just do it. Don't tell him he effects you... they love that power. Narcs are trouble.
Dont let him know he has had this effect on you it just encourages it.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
My parents are narcissists. I have found it to be easier to deal with them as a sober person. I guess it goes back to my "self worth" thing. I refuse to take any verbal abuse from them any longer. My answering machine has gotten an earful that I delete without listening to for my sanity's sake. My new mantra with anyone in my life is Be Nice or Go Away. I read here on SR to take abuse is a form of self abuse. I no longer abuse myself with alcohol, codependent behavior or verbal attacks from sick people.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Originally Posted by Katie88
He admits to be NPD and a workaholic. He is toxic for me, as I am a sensitive emotional soul. He constantly tells me I am too fat, unsuccessful, etc, which is based solely on his standards of success. Mine are very different. I am an academic and someone who likes to help my students and other people....so the corporate fat cat mentality is not attractive to me. He is healthy now ( 62) but won't be forever. He keeps emailing me and texting me incessantly and I literally wrote an email to him saying i need to establish boundaries and i am very concerned about the continuing volatility of our relationship. It is just hard to cut off parents, especially parents who are insistent about being involved with you emotionally.
I like the emoticons too:-)
Was he formerly diagnosed as NPD? I find many businessmen will self diagnose as NPD, as it is often a trait found in CEOs. I know it sounds weird but its an easy excuse for bad behavior that is actually supported in many businesses (work hard play hard mentality).
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Join Date: Jun 2014
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Originally Posted by Boudicca
What an interesting question! Speaking for myself, I think happiness tends to be overrated. It simply isn't realistic for many of us. Most days I would be okay with contentment.
Do I feel happy joyous and free on a regularly basis?
No.
However, I am fairly content and realize the majority of my problems today are of a quality nature.
I fully believe no that if I don't pick up that first drink my life will always be headed in the right direction.
One key component of my sobriety is that I have never forgotten how unmanageable life was before I joined AA.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
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this thread is an illustration that "happiness" can be defined many ways.
Ive always believed that everything is relative when speaking of emotions. a person in a state of malnutrition and Paris Hilton have different ideas of happiness due to what they have been exposed to.
also, its hard to be "happy" if you are fully aware of the state of things in the world at large, and the way humans treat each other everywhere, all the time.
uggg...before i lose myself in that again: it has been stated by the rat.rec. folks that addiction can have roots in the misconception that we "have to have" happiness, or whatever. most addictive drugs offer an alternative to dealing with unwanted emotions. at least for a while. i know they ended up being my go to fixit for sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety etc.
since im being all random, (studied for finals all day) i want to say that for me, alot of happiness resulted by not drinking for a while. i feel like i had that chemical yolk around my neck so long that when it was lifted, i felt light and well...free. free to laugh for real, and cry for real, not because of my temporary dosage formula at any given time.
happiness: doing what you can with what you got.
Ive always believed that everything is relative when speaking of emotions. a person in a state of malnutrition and Paris Hilton have different ideas of happiness due to what they have been exposed to.
also, its hard to be "happy" if you are fully aware of the state of things in the world at large, and the way humans treat each other everywhere, all the time.
uggg...before i lose myself in that again: it has been stated by the rat.rec. folks that addiction can have roots in the misconception that we "have to have" happiness, or whatever. most addictive drugs offer an alternative to dealing with unwanted emotions. at least for a while. i know they ended up being my go to fixit for sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety etc.
since im being all random, (studied for finals all day) i want to say that for me, alot of happiness resulted by not drinking for a while. i feel like i had that chemical yolk around my neck so long that when it was lifted, i felt light and well...free. free to laugh for real, and cry for real, not because of my temporary dosage formula at any given time.
happiness: doing what you can with what you got.
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Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
happiness, to me, is a by-product. an unexpected bonus, something i can not will.
however, i CAN apparently arrange some things in my life in such a way that the chances are increased.
mostly, it's ME i have to arrange
part of that is being open and present, hm, an attitude.
happiness is a quiet kind of thing of moments. moments when i'm open and simply realize that happiness is "here".
not really helpful in the "how to" department for you, i guess...
however, i CAN apparently arrange some things in my life in such a way that the chances are increased.
mostly, it's ME i have to arrange
part of that is being open and present, hm, an attitude.
happiness is a quiet kind of thing of moments. moments when i'm open and simply realize that happiness is "here".
not really helpful in the "how to" department for you, i guess...
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Posts: 54
This is a just for fun...it is pretty funny really.. go on a dating website and read all the profiles from narcissists... they get easier to spot. (told ya I have a sick sense of humor)... but yeah I am trying to avoid those... and wow is it hard to figure out what any truth is until you know a person awhile..
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Join Date: Jun 2008
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My apologies for hijacking the thread about happiness with comments about personality disorders! From what I read, it seems to me that maybe "happiness" is an ideal that may not be realistically attainable - at least not all the time. Contentment, stability, and fulfillment in work and relationships may still leave us with the feeling that something is missing. This may be what one philosopher (whose name I can't recall right now) described this feeling as the restlessness of the human condition.
I guess maybe we set ourselves up for disappointment if we strive to achieve the elusive (and very Americanized) idea of "happiness." Maybe being sober, moving forward with life and all of its great moments and obstacles, and not being MISERABLE because of alcoholism is enough, even if every moment isn't happy.
I guess maybe we set ourselves up for disappointment if we strive to achieve the elusive (and very Americanized) idea of "happiness." Maybe being sober, moving forward with life and all of its great moments and obstacles, and not being MISERABLE because of alcoholism is enough, even if every moment isn't happy.
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