The cloak of alcoholism is choking me :(
 

I really hate being an alcoholic, my addiction is strangling me and taking away everything from me, my health, my looks, my memory, my dignity and my sleep. Its like there is a whole other being inside of me, one who hates me and lives in my brain, it has such a strong voice, oh go on, every mummy drinks wine every night, its just one bottle, oh ok maybe 1 and a half, you deserve it, you give everything to everyone, nothing for you, this is for you, take it, take the first sip, you know you want too, and why when I find myself in the fridge with the cold bottle of chardonnay in my hand do I seem surprised? I have tried to change, I cant, it wont let me, it wants me, all of me and its breaking my heart. I want to feel healthy again, to loose the tirednes, heart palpitations, I want to remember the evenings with my husband, but it wont let me, addiction wont let me, this is me for what seems like life, a life sentance with an invisible ball and chain and I am devestated

Welcome TheSouthern. Please know that you aren't alone, many of us have felt exactly like you do. Alcoholism does live inside us,but the good news is that so does the real you. And the real you can absolutely regain control.

What needs to happen is you have to change the way you have tried in the past - and try something much stronger, as well as recruit help from others. Have you considered trying a meeting based recovery method like AA/NA/Smart/etc? Being around others with the same problem can help immensely. Seek help from your doctor too - there are many programs like rehab ( inpatient and outpatient ) and counseling that can help too.

And don't forget us here on SR as a supplment - we have all been there, and many of us have turned it around.

Thank you so much for your reply, I havent really been able to go to meetings - I have two small children who wont be left anywhere without me, and to be honest I have given up on believing there is a higher power, if there was wouldnt they take this punishment away from me, I am a good person, I am just not strong enough to fight the bad addicted person in me :(

Exactly how I felt, please go to your doctor or alcohol support group, they will help. Ive just had a home detox, this is my 8th day sober, I feel so much better now I can think straight im even looking forward to living my life again.

Alcohol takes everything from you, I thought i was ok but my blood tests come back & my liver gamma levels were sky high, way to much for a woman, I was bloated still am but its going now abit since ive jacked the alcohol up. My looks deteriorated, I hated myself, hated waking up in the morning as I knew i was just going to drink the day away again, like groundhog. I drank cause i had to because otherwise the withdrawals were to strong to handle.

One day i picked up the phone & got myself some help, id had enough, its took nearly 5months with going to meetings & assements but i am now sober, if you stick with it you can do it too & start living again like we all deserve. Get help before its to late, if i would have carried on drinking i dont think i would see 40, im 36 & glad to be alive.

Make that first step ...

You can change. You can be freed of the chains of addiction.

But you will have to stop putting barriers in front of your recovery...what you won't or can't do. Make sobriety your priority. It means getting the wine out of the frig and keeping it out. If that means finding child care, no matter how your children react, you do it. You sound desperate. So do what desperate people do--ANYTHING to get themselves out of their straits.

If you came here asking for help you are strong enough. And getting sober is about you taking action, not waiting for someone else or something else to do it for you. There are many alternatives to 12-step programs, seeing your doctor would be a great first step. You have to start doing the things you CAN do rather than listing the things you cannot. Regarding your children, I can say from personal experience that when you are drunk you aren't there for them anyway, as much as we like to think so. And the longer you wait the worse it gets.

Welcome Thesouthern!! You'll find loads of support here on SR!!

You can do this, everyone has it inside themselves to make it happen!! :)

Welcome to SR.

I feel for you, I really do. You are doing this to yourself.

You buy the bottle, you pour it, you pick up the glass and pour it in your mouth. You. No one else, not some "other part" of you.

Take the responsibility to fix this before you lose everything. Make no mistake, you will lose everything.

Your babies will be fine with a sitter while you get help. Many AA meetings - especially women's meetings - either allow children or have babysitting on the premises. Call your local AA phone number. I love it when kids come to meetings.

You aren't being a great mom to them while drinking.

Southern1 - have you heard of the AV - Addictive Voice? It sounds like it is loud and clear for you.

You can lean more about it here on SR: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ined-long.html

This helped me a lot and it does not require leaving the house or believing in a higher power to get well.

I could have written that. Only spelling mummy different. lol.

You know what you can do when you don't drink? You can spend the money you spent on booze on nice shampoo, skin creams, clothes in a smaller size...

My 4-yr-old said to me yesterday, mommy your hair looks so nice and smooth, how did it get like that? I said, mommy used a new shampoo. I recently bought skin cleanser, skin creams, shampoo for me and etc. My hair looks amazing. I am wearing leotards and shorts, no big baggy t-shirts for me. My 4-yr-old noticed my hair. They notice a lot. She also said to me, mommy you're not fat anymore. No I didn't lose a ton of weight in 2 weeks, but it's amazing how when the bloat comes off your face and body, how different you look.

I was like you. Every night a bottle of wine, for years. I also have two young kids. I am nearing 70 days. If I can do it, you can, because I have almost no will power and am very undisciplined. You are easily capable if you make the decision to stop. The decision is the tough part.

You know I prayed to have the addiction removed. Make me not like the stuff or something. I prayed for a long time. It would be too easy to just remove an addiction I think in my case my higher power wanted to teach me a thing or too so that i'd remain sober. I also think my higher power has a sick sense of humor. So what did my higher power do? sent me panic attacks and horrible anxiety that was unbearable it just about forced me to quit in a last ditched effort to find some relief.

But i needed that. I needed the sobriety journey that came after. If i could have just been unable to afford the stuff or didnt like the stuff or wtvr else it woulda never worked. I think in my higher powers infinite wisdom he handled it just how it needed to be handled for me.

Sometimes you dont realize what is being done till you pushed through the situation etc..

I can relate to your first post too i had all the same thoughts go through my head.

My advice dont give up on your higher power because its doubtful your higher power has given up on you. In my case I needed to be refined in order to be free. I had to hit that breaking point those panic attacks did it for me that was enough for me. I thank my higher power for sending those god awful things because if not for that i'd still be drunk in a ditch for Sure. I cant tell you how many times i've said i'd drink if i new it woudlnt cause a panic attack!

Hang in there and keep coming here. its part of the journey to sobriety and the thing is we need the journey if we want to gain long term sobriety.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it go away for you. I wish someone could have done it for me too but I'm greatful for how was resolved for me i would not have it another way.

What would happen if you fully accepted that you just can't drink? Take away the drug completely and a lot of your problems would likely go with it.
Easier said than done for sure. Not trying to trivialize a big struggle for you, and believe me I still get there at times too. But if I just don't drink, I don't act like a fool or hurt my loved ones, I don't blackout, I don't compromise my integrity...there are so many upsides to just not taking a drink.

surrender, don't fight.

private email me for online links.

there are other methods available, too

You CAN stay stopped!!

Your story, my story too. Alcohol stripped everything from me: money, health, pride and dignity. I told many people my situation. Got a lot of support from family and friends. Lots of support here. Quitting ended up being easier than expect. You can quit. You deserve it.

I cant believe how supportive you all are, its such a hard struggle, everyday - who knew something that makes you so ill, wasted, fat and stupid could continue to pull you in.

We've all been there to some degree or another. Don't give up on yourself. Yes, it's hard, but it's worth the effort. There are many, many people on this site who have achieved sobriety in a number of different ways, so you can do it too.

It was the same for me. I drank a bottle to two bottles of wine most nights. Even though I felt like death the pull of buying wine every night was too hard to resist and even though I was getting fatter and sicker I just wanted to keep drinking. It really is insanity and the hard part is the first couple of weeks but it can be done. I never thought I could stop drinking, I thought I loved being drunk but I just loved being numb and checking out from everything. Drinking takes everything good away and shrinks your whole world into being numb or hungover. Do anything you can to stop, go and see a Dr it is so worth it I promise

That's the voice of your addiction. I have one, too.

It lies. Stop taking advice about important things in your life from a liar.


That's incorrect.
You can't turn that voice off just because you want it to go away. But you DON'T have to do what it says. It's just a voice, the voice of your addiction. It has no sympathy, or shame, or remorse, or morals, or inhibitions. It can't be educated, it can't be bargained with, it can't be reasoned with. It must be starved.

It's a liar and a thief and a killer. Starve it.

You can do this.

Stop the thought "I want a drink" when it first appears. That's when it's at it's weakest and can be killed.