I am an idiot
 

6 and a half months of progress down the drain in a matter of seconds. . .

This evening, everything fell down on top of me in a heap, and I had a glass of red wine and went for a walk in the sunshine. I kept walking, and walking, until I felt I needed someone and rang my mum in tears.

I'm going to be honest here. At first, it felt kind of liberating, like I was sticking my middle finger up at everything that has been making life so difficult for me.

My partner and I have had a somewhat stagnant relationship for a while now. There has been little affection as of late, as my anxiety and OCD gets too much for him to handle. We have fought, and my therapist even said he talks about me as if he is looking down on me (I thought it would be good to go for part of the session together). My doctor keeps switching medication, as if I'm some sort of human guinea pig, whereas the one thing that works for me, Valium, I am not allowed (UK GPs are very strict with it), and I'm treated like a naughty schoolgirl if I go and ask for some. It's just another alcohol substitute, after all (but doesn't kill you as quickly if taken as prescribed!). I have had little success with antidepressants in the past, with them making me suicidal and even more anxious (and I have persevered with them for longer than perhaps I should have done), yet now she wants me to try another one. I feel like I have hit a dead end with my life. I have no job, no life, and some days leaving the house and having a shower is too much to handle.

This all sounds like a bunch of excuses, to be honest, and I'm not proud of what I've done. I've spent a lot of the evening crying. I don't actually want any more and fully intend to stick to this. I'm just cross that a spur of the moment stressful event (involving an argument between my partner and I when I got back from work) has cost me my hard-earned sobriety.

I don't look at any of my expereinces as mistakes. While they can be painful to go through at that moment, they have all taught me valuable lessons to get me where I am at today. This sip of wine may have had a greater purprose for you to gain clarity of your situation. I would not have more mind you but perhaps its for a reason to provide greater resolve?

I am not seeing excuses as much of addictive behavior and mindset. I used to think my happiness was in my relationship with my partner. Or in the bottle. Or in the drug. Honestly, it was temporary. Those things provided a coping mechansim to escape and get temporary relief from life. But none were sustainable because when they wore off as they all did I was left with my hole, my empty soul...these external things always left me empyt because I was chasing a hugnry ghost, my addictions.

Recovery has taught me that I needed to find a way to fill the void inside me and so I needed a program that could address my mental, physical and spiritual health. I had never worked on the last one ever and for me it was the missing piece. Many may not see this need for them and that fine, but that is what worked for me.

One glass of wine in 6.5 months? Smells like victory from here. Don't beat yourself up over that. You stopped and are soldiering on. Good for you.

Don't beat yourself up!! Go at it again! :)

I don't know much - I'm on Day 2 and I agree with trachemys that although I HOPE that I don't ever take one more sip of drink I think you should be very proud of the 6.5 months and don't let this feeling of failure drag you down. You are winning. Keep going and know that adding alcohol back into the mix cannot help. I hope you get the meds sorted - I have zero experience there but sincerely feel for your struggle. Read the quote that you have in your signature line....

"Always believe in yourself. Do this and no matter where you are, you will have nothing to fear"

It obviously resounds with you - read it over and over again and best of luck.

Sorry, meant to say when he got back from work - I don't seem to be able to edit my post now.

And thank you for your kind words and support, everyone - it means a lot. I have just had dinner, with a refreshing glass of cloudy lemonade (and no more wine!) and I'm going to go and play the piano for a bit.

it was at about that point in my sobriety that things started to turn around and in simlier time frame as yours 6 or 7 months. I started to toss my hands in the air about all the things that made me feel bad. I basicly gave up on all my problems I new drinking wasnt an option so I decided F it to all my issues too i couldnt take it any longer the constant anxiety etc... and ya know as I let go of things 1 by 1 things started to get resolved and get better. I was also less stressed by them etc..

Dont beat yourself up over 1 drink and dont give up before it turns around for you. You dont know what tommorrow holds dont throw it away by giving into alcohol or giving up etc.. dont allow it to ruin your today either.

I hit a point in sobriety that I had solved a lot of probems as well. but i still had a few biggies. I recall the day very clearly. I was out for a run pleaing with my higher power about how far i had come how well i had done but how come i couldnt get these last monkeys off my back. I finally said then and there I give up i'm not going to deal with these problems there too big for me and I dont have the resources to resolve them. shortly there after my solutions came and the problems got solved.

my lifes still not perfect but I'm getting better accepting that its not going to be. if life was perfect my god would we all be bored to tears!

One glass in 6.5 months and then you posted here? You don't sound like an idiot at all.

Hi Wendolene

I don't think one drink negates the last six months and all you've achieved...unless you let it.

Do think about what happened tho - don't beat yourself into a pulp, but look at why you chose drink over other options for help and support - answering that question really helped me....

welcome back :)

D

I think they are switching you meds as a lot of shrinks do to find the perfect fit..not that you're a guinea pig...you will be fine wendy..you have to calm down a bit...i think you are overreacting...try to blow off some steam somehow..go to the movies...just say f it for a while

what is that avatar..... grommit in drag? i never seen that one

Is the UK strict about Xanax and Klonopin also? I am not giving medical advice, just wondering if you've tried an alternative to Valium. Anxiety can be so debilitating.

That's Wendolene, Wallace's ill-fated romance.

this is for you wendy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8de2W3rtZsA

This sounds like straight-up depression and I hate that you are questioning your medication and your GP. I understand entirely, but I hate that you're at that point of doubt whereby thing don't make sense as it's so distressing and I can really understand.
I've been on antidepressants for six years. I'm 26 and came off them a while ago which was horrendous, so I'm back on them. After trying out a lot of therapies and medication, the best tactic I've adopted is to question the hell out of everything. When my GP prescribed something new years ago, I wanted to know *everything*. The history of the drug, side effects, the success rate...and you should know that. If you're taking a pill, you should know what the background is!
Honestly, prior to me finding the right pill, I couldn't get out of bed, let alone prepare food, shower, work etc. Keep trying and keep communicating.