Windancer

Thank you neferkanmicaheal. (sorry is spelling is wrong). Ill have a blasted headache in the am. Thanks again......hope you have a great night

Windancer

I got a rose!!!! That makes me happy
Thank you

OldSkool

Windancer,
just know you are not alone in your feelings. I know the pain of continually hurtin others, and wasting the talents God gave us. I too have an extensive history of alcohol and drug abuse. It is never to late to start again to fight this thing. Also, if people threaten your sobriety, then they are not true friends.
God Bless.

Nuudawn

(((Windancer))). Thank you for feeling enough of a sense of "belonging and trust" to all us SR cyber-folk that you were able to honestly unburden yourself. I wasn't able to be online much past couple days so I thank my buddy the perfectly Imperfectly Me to alerting me of this post. Honey..if you feel a connection to me, 'tis probably because we are birds of a feather. I too have been far too influenced by both men and my family in that I spoke their thoughts, said there words..and I held their opinions of me and the world at large. My own voice has mostly been smothered within me. Sobriety for .me is very much about growing up...detaching from the opinions of others that I somehow have believed possessed more wisdom than my own. The very BEST thing I got from my year of therapy...was the "permission"...(cuz I apparently required it)...to trust my self, listen to myself. She told me to listen to myself 24 freaking 7. So I had to start doing that! I had to start discerning between my own thoughts and the ones I had "adopted". I also had to start standing down the mean inner critic within. I had to learn self compassion.

Sobriety is a journey within my lovely. It is very much about befriending yourself. There is a beautiful, benevolent wisdom within you...but it's not always easy to access as ..there is a lot of other crap in there too. There is of course "the addiction"..and it has its own agenda..but it's not you. The more you tune in..within..the more you will be able to identify that one.

It is clear that you need to somehow emancipate yourself from your mother and your man..EMOTIONALLY, if not physically. They are not the boss of you. They do NOT know what is best for you. That my friend..is for you to start doing for you. But it takes work...and effort...and love...LOVE of you.

You need to get INTERESTED in your own interiors. You need to get to know you...so that you will not fall prey to those who are only working THEIR own agenda. You need to start getting clearer on your agenda.

It takes work honey..gobs and gobs and gobs of it. It takes SOBRIETY...it really and truly does. You want to get know yourself...or anyone really...you need to keep your wits about you : )

Flawed

Nuudawn....friggin' brilliantly put!

Windancer

Nuudawn, that post is 100% true. I know all these things, but I have been the Queen of no follow through. Now is the time to begin following through! My bf and mother do want the best for me, but sometimes the greatest harm can come from the best of intentions. I need to wise up, and as Dee has said, set clear boundaries and stick to them. See, I have this terribly false belief that I can't "be myself" without drinking or benzos. What a crock, I know. Lately Ive been working hard on really challenging my thinking, and challenging those negative and false beliefs, and watching my thought patterns and noticing how very self defeating and damaging they can be. Also, whenever I quit everything, just like everyone else I feel like an anxious ball of crap for awhile, then feel so much better. I need to accept that that is happening, and that it will get better. I also need to quit romanticizing alcohol. What the heck is so great about me getting stupid sloppy hammered, completely dysfunctional, at best terribly emotional and at worst an ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE to be around. There are so many reasons to stay sober, and zero to keep at it (no reason worth entertaining the idea of, anyhow).
Yes, I made a mistake this past weekend but I cant change that now. All I can do is learn, change some things and carry on.

Nuudawn

Just earlier today I was in the middle of a task at work and I simply "forgot" something in the process. When I realized this, I immediately said to myself and out loud "way to go stupid". For whatever reason, my mind hitched up and said "you really shouldn't speak to yourself that way". I then actually started to minimize it..shrug it off..tell myself it wasn't a big deal. Not unlike, someone who says something cutting or insulting and when you "react" says...'geez, I was kidding..can't you take a joke??". My mind hitched up again...and I then thought to myself what if instead of "way to go stupid"..I just stated "hey you forgot something". I immediately saw the difference in my feelings within.

Old habits die slow and hard...but we work at them, when blessed with consciousness.

Windancer

Ya I really dislike gaslighting. If it hurt my feelings, and especially if someone knows this but does something hurtful anyway, it isn't a joke.
Yupp....I really need to treat myself like more of a friend.