Chronic relapser desperately trying to get sober!
 

I am so glad I found this forum… my real name is Larry, and this is my story and thank you for listening. Please help me! I am a well-educated Software Engineer working for an unnamed global software company, and have been struggling to get sober for the last 35 years. I just can’t seem to stop drinking! I get off work and drink a case of beer, or sometimes a couple of the magnum bottles of wine, or sometimes a 5th of vodka every single night. I wake up in the morning in absolute terror, shaking, puking, and s#!tting liquid. Always wondering: “Oh my God!”, “What did I do?”, “Who did I hurt?”, “Where is my car?”, “What did I post on FaceBook?” I have to take a Xanax, just to calm the shakes in the morning and make it to work that day. I can’t drink in the morning and go to work for this company. But, they are probably soon ready to fire me anyway I imagine, from an absolute dream job? I say to myself every single morning, feeling like I am absolutely going to die, that I am done with drinking forever!!! But by the time I get off work, and feel a little better, guess where I go? Straight back to the liquor store!!! For another round, of the same old daily “round and round” with alcohol!!!

I have lost every meaningful relationship I have ever had in my life over the many years, including 4 marriages, and only have 2 or 3 “nonalcoholic” friends left that really care about me. Today, I spend most of my time completely alone and drunk. I can become an “absolute demon” when I get drunk, and can do and say the most awful and hateful things? Especially to the innocent people that I have loved and have loved me the most. Not remembering a thing? I have so much remorse that it is eating me alive!!! When I get drunk, it is like I have this “alter ego” and pass into a place at some point in time where I become a completely different person, an evil hateful and very violent person that is not at all like the person I really and truly am? What has happened to me? How can I get out of this???

I have been in and out of AA for many years, and once put together 4 years of sobriety. Some of the happiest times of my life was when I was sober, but I just can’t seem to find my way back there now…

Hi and welcome Larry :)
You've found a great place for support and ideas :)

I drank for 20 years - SR helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you do the same.

any thoughts on an initial strategy yet?

D

we need to desire sobriety much more than the drink
sounds like you are at that exact point in time

keep the plug in the jug
and as you (we) know that starts with getting day one under our belts without a drink

oh yes I still remember waking up with the thought
I will not drink today
only in a very short while with a Budweiser in my hand

then as you are now
I would think back to those times in which I was sober
yes
it is a fight well worth fighting for

good luck and keep in touch with us here on site

Mountainman

Welcome to the Forum Larry!! :wave:

Your story reads pretty familiar, I drank every evening after work for years, I woke up to a hangover every morning, had all the best intentions in the world but by the following evening I was picking up that night's supply of alcohol, and so the cycle continued!!

You'll find loads of support here on SR, for me I needed to break that cycle with a plan, a support structure, a new routine, whatever it takes to not drink each day, you mention you had a 4 year period of success, so take encouragement that you have it within yourself, we all do to be Sober!!

You can do this!! It's great to have you here!! :)

I can't take the time off work to go into rehab (again)? They will fire me! So I guess I will have to "white knuckle" it and detox in my own bed, shaking and sweating! I hope those of you that have been sober for a while can remember what this is like... and it can keep you sober today. Thank you all for your love and support :) I will fight!!! :)

I wince when people suggest home alone detoxes. I nearly lost my life that way.

why not see your doctor Larry?
See what they suggest?

D

Hi Larry and welcome! I can relate, I spent all my time off work and weekends drinking too. While I am new to sobriety I've found just saying no I won't drink for short amounts of time have helped me. There's a 24 hour commitment thread on here. You can commit to 24 hours sober at a time. I've found it's a great way to keep my word to myself.

Saying no to the first drink is what it takes. The choice is yours. Would you be willing to start with a 24 hour commitment not to drink? You can save your dream job and your life. Don't give up. I wish you the best!

alot of people dont want to do this but...if an established american employee goes to the physician, gets a diagnosis of alcoholism, reports it to H.R. they are pretty much mandated to treat it as it is- a medical problem.

you stated that you took time off to dry out before. did they know this, or was it straight up vacation or sick time with no given explanation.

any obvious retaliatory action by the company can be squashed by the american disability act. this is a grey area only if you have a history of poor performance reviews.

I really wish i would have cried uncle BEFORE i lost my job to the substance monster. in retrospect though, im employment challenged... WITH MY HEALTH BACK!

it stings, but i was in a hole and was trying to ride my problem to an early grave. you have my well wishes. no one deserves to suffer like that.

You will most likely lose your job eventually if you don't quit as well as you mentioned in your OP, so you might as well at least give yourself a fighting chance. At least see your doc, perhaps an outpatient program of sorts might be available?

I got the same background as you I'm also a software engineer. Oddly I also lived in florida for a while as well and still work for the same company that i did when i lived there. I dont know why they tolerated me then. i'm not sure why they tolerate me not to be honest and I"ve managed to be sober for 3 years.

I was horrified i'd get fired. I'm still horrified I'll get fired. But i'm estatic to be sober. Being able to work from home allowed me to sober up without them being any wiser really. I wonder if you can work out some kinda telecomute thing or something? Of course that can also fuel the fire if your not wise about it.

I dunno for me it got bad enought he daily panic and anxiety where too much. I didnt have xanax to calm me so I started reaching for drinks earlier and earlier in the day while on the clock etc... I new i was headed to an even darker place as if it could get any darker?

I tapered off and one day at a time was able to quit. I wont lie it stunk for a while it was not easy but it beat the alternative my life was gradually improving.

You sorta gotta bite the bullet decide your done and put it down. From there the healing beings the journey begins etc.. The journey is a much needed part of long term sobriety. You had 4 years before so you can probably do it again.

This boards a good place to get some support etc..

Thanks Dee! But I will be OK... I see you are the forum moderator and must have lots of experience with this! If I see my doctor he will put me in a hospital detox, or rehab, and I will lose my job... I just can't do that right now.

I will be back my supportive friends... sober :)

I absolutely love this forum! Give me a few days to detox and go to a few meetings and I will be back :)

Welcome to the form Friend, Your story is a carbon copy of mine

1) Xanax in the morning to get rid of the shakes so I could work
2) Lost Love
3) Job in jeopardy
4) Not knowing what I did while drinking due to black outs
5) Extreme isolation…drinking alone and feeling more alone
6) Trips to detox
7) Waking up in the VA hospital not knowing how I got there
8) Mean streaks………. I was like DR. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
9) Lost and confused
10) Morning fear so bad I did not want to get out of bed
11) Almost 4 years sober just to start drinking again

Everyone told me it was going to kill me. I did not have a life worth living so that never did scare me. I HAD to completely surrender!!! And so I did, I reach out and asked for help. Was not easy due to my past in sobriety and my Ego. Had to detox to get a clear head and started following the direction of Men and Women with years of sobriety. There is help out there Brother, just have to get humble and honest and ask for it.

Hang in there………..you can do this……..trust me I’m a Disgusting Drunk…………but I’m sober…never give up the fight

Welcome to SR! You will find tons of support here. I was a daily after work drinker as well, you will get through this :)

Welcome to the family. :) I hope your detox goes well. Don't hesitate to get medical help if things get bad.

You don't have to go to your Dr. to get help with a medical detox. I've gone to an immediate care place a couple of times, told them what was going on, and walked away with a small prescription for valium to get me through the first few days.

As other's have said, don't mess around with detox alone at home. Sure, you've done it before, but as you grow older it gets tougher and tougher on your body.

Nothing you said I haven't read here. For sure you are in the right place. I get that you have a job and can't do rehab. Maybe you could purchase, at a drugstore, a blood pressure monitor that gives BP and pulse? An electronic one...and I recommend one that goes around your wrist, and self-monitor your BP and HR because, yeah, it can be dangerous without medical supervision.

Larry, you sound a lot like me! I even used to introduce myself here as a chronic relapser. Except I didn't use Xanax much, I usually just took another beer and my days into a 24 hour drunk. It sounds like you are familiar with the program so you know where to go. And you know you can't fight this forever. You don't have to live under King Alcohol my friend. A better life awaits you as long as you are willing.

Welcome Larry! You can do this!

I also work a big company; any way that you could call your EAP line and get help? They could get you medical advice and start ST Disability. Just a thought.

Welcome sir! We're glad you're here...there's lots of love & support here for that ailing heart. Some advice mite hurt but it's all in love to get you in recovery