You ever get sober for someone other than yourself?
 

Does it work?

Sometimes it works, at least as long as the person does what they are supposed to do. But if they leave, then often the reason for staying sober leaves with them.

Probably not a great strategy for permanent sobriety, but whose to say it isn't as good as any other reason to make a start on recovery.

JT

hay Bro have not seen you in a while.

yea i got sober for my family that i do not want to loose. but i learned that i had to get sober for my self before i can do it for my family.

I could not get sober for my kids. If I couldn't stop drinking for them ... I don't know if I could sober up for anyone ... I stopped for me.... no one else.

Can I seek a new way of life to recover from alcoholism to stop harming myself and others? Absolutely.

Have I done this? Yes.

I always struggled with understanding why my Mother could not get sober for her children.

How could she love us if she continued to drink?

I didn't realise it had gotten to the question of survival...it wasn't about love for anyone else.

I wouldn't take anyone to task who said they were doing it for someone else. As Gottalife said, it's a good start. The hope is that you eventually do it for yourself.

I certainly didn't start this thing out to improve my life. I thought my life was over and that this was a good way of shutting up friends and family while I died. Little did I know the joy I was in for in living!

I haven't seen that work, in fact what I have observed is when someone is getting sober for any reason besides themselves, that reason becomes the very excuse that one uses to pick up that first drink.

It was shared with me when I was a newcomer that if I was getting sober for anyone besides myself, that my sobriety was already in trouble.

Didn't for me. Not even for my kids, one of whom is now a pretty active alcoholic. It's like flight attendants say, put the mask on yourself first. Hint: Putting the mask on is an active thing, so is getting sober. It doesn't happen by itself.

it didnt work for me either as my kids who i love more my own life got taken off me and put into care because of the drinking and how out of control me and my ex wife were living

no matter how hard i tried i just couldnt face life without drink
i even turned up at the court to beg that they didn't take my kids from me drunk : (

what a sorry sight that must of been for all the others sitting around sober who had to make the decision to remove the kids but of course it was all about me and my own pain

having said that i know a few people who came into aa and have remained sober for there lifetimes 30 or 40 years because there wife was leaving them or there jobs were on the line
so fear of losing something seems to be have the motivation for them but i know i just couldnt get off it
not until i woke up one day in a hell of a mess and i just knew the game was over
i wanted to die rather than live anymore
i hand nothing left to lose only my flat that was given to me be a hostel run agency other than that i would of been a down and out on the streets

so i would say yes people can give up for someone else so long as the fear in there lives is strong enough
but if they stay sober for any great time is another question as they need to not only stay sober but also to face themselves in a honest way and live honest from in there hearts
sounds easy lol try it and see just how hard it really is at first, but with practise and time it can be a totaly new way to live

This is exactly why I realized that quitting had to be for me. When I did it for someone else the words "at least as long as the person does what they are supposed to do" didn't work. All that I had to do was find a way to pick a fight and I was off and running. I would push buttons in a passive aggressive manner knowing that the result would be conflict. That conflict gave me what I needed. So deep in denial about it too by denying that the conflict was my fault. I mean, after all, if they're going to be that way to me then why not drink? It was just that easy to get around.

When I quit for me I had no one to contend with but myself. In fact, about 30 days in I had one of the best revelations in sobriety. I was so ecstatic that I had reached 30 days. I was upset that my husband wasn't as ecstatic as I was. Then he opened his mouth and said "It's not 30 days that I'm worried about, you've done that before, I'm worried about when there are parties and bbqs later on in the summer". I was :tapping at him. The old me would have said "screw it then, I'm just going to drink anyway". This time, doing it for ME I looked at him and said "You don't have to be worried about when I'm going to drink next because this has nothing to do with YOU, this is MY sobriety. So don't think that I am doing this for you, you just get to reap the benefits. It would be nice to have some positive reinforcement from you but I just realized that it's not necessary". That was the moment I really found out what getting sober for yourself means and it's a damned good feeling. It's empowering.

If you quit for you then you are in control of your sobriety. If you quit for someone else they are in control. Who do you want to have the keys to the vehicle of your life, you or someone else?

My biggest motivator in my sobriety is to not turn into my bender ridden alcoholic mother. I can't bear the thought of losing relationships with and the respect of my children, so I guess, in a way, I got sober for my kids. Although, now almost 10 months sober, I am reaping so many rewards, I think I am staying sober for myself.

I started this way but quickly realized that the problem was more systemic for me.

I kind of look at doing it for someone else like using exercise as your sobriety program. It works well until you sprain your ankle.

My drinking was done selfishly for myself. I refuse to have my sobriety for be just for me, but indeed part of the reasons I refuse to drink again are selfish: mostly centering around the elimination of negative consequences. I am sober for my wife, my kids, my friends and colleagues, for all those I interact with, share the roads with. I'm sober for the alcoholics that still suffer as I know that there is a way out. Now, I can't speak for others, but I'm done with selfish living.

I think that is the most precious gift sobriety brought me was to stop living just for my own selfish desires.

I tried to get sober for my kids. I failed. I just learned to hide it from them.

I tried to quit with my wife. Both of us together for the kids. When she couldn't keep it up with me, I thought why should I keep doing it either? Why do I have do this alone? Why should I not have a drink if she is?

That is when I realized, I wanted it for my self. My first sober night with her drinking heavy, in the same house, I realized that I wasn't doing this to impress her or for my kids. I was doing it bc I wanted it for myself.

That's a great question. I'm interested in the responses myself. I've only been sober sixth months, after many failed attempts in the past, but this time I was largely motivated by the fact that I saw myself repeating a lot of the same patterns in my relationship to my son that my (alcoholic) father had exhibited in his relationship with me. But I'm starting to think this may not be the best way to go about it. I keep thinking that if I didn't have a child I would just completely destroy myself because, frankly, I don't really give a **** about myself. That's not an especially healthy disposition, to say the least. Also, I've had moments of resentment towards my son (i.e. "if only I was single I could be doing what I actually want to do") which is such a sleazeball thing to do. So I'm starting to realize that some kind of self-love (the good kind, not narcissism, but true care for oneself) is the foundation for true development, which is what sobriety is all about.

I'm teaching a class on Aristotle's ethics right now and he talks about how it's impossible to love others unless you love yourself, in the correct manner. This is also touched on in numerous places in the Bible, i.e. that love for self and love for "the Other" (God, other people) is ultimately the same thing. I feel there's a lot of resonance in this wisdom with the path towards sobriety.

Even though I intellectually agree with this, it's so hard to live it.

Ive quit numerous times for other people. It worked for awhile. I think at the core of it though, you have to really want it for yourself too.

I'm 12 days sober for a girl. She's a total sweetheart and has no idea I'm a total mess. Although, I feel fantastic right now.

sounds like good motivation to keep it up :)

but, total mess... & she has no idea :/

tread carefully...

Total mess is a bit of an exaggeration. I'm a good guy with a big heart. I just have a history of drinking more than I should but my life is hardly in shambles.