Arbor

I think a lot of us are in the same boat. People don't like losing their drinking buddy. No one in my family would believe I have a problem. And that's because they aren't me. They don't know how I feel and what I've done over the years. What I've said to myself. How I beat myself up over this day in and day out. It's very personal and that's ok.

Everyone's here to help everyone. We all have a common bond. No ones calling you out. Whatever you've been doing over the last six months is working and you should be proud. I only wish i could make six months. Keep your head up!

Jimboagust

Hey AlwaysSober1. I just wanted to say that this is definitely not a "******** thread." Just look at all the discussion it has generated. Even if your initial motivation was just to blow off some steam or give voice to your doubts it's still immensely helpful for everyone to engage in the conversation (I know it is for me, at least). Every single person who has ever struggled with addiction has dealt with exactly these thoughts numerous times, hence the sometimes emotional response to them. I just wanted to say thanks for the thread and congrats on all the work you're doing on yourself.

SoberLeigh

Most of us have been where you are now, AlwaysSober; we understand.

SnoozyQ

Hi always sober , it very much looks to me like you are seeking permission to drink again. You seem to be justifying everything you possibly can and hope someone may say , yeah you're ok mate , you seem to have it under control ...only 5 to 8 a night ( so far) you're not an alkie !

Truth is , you are in a recovery forum posting , so some part of you knows you are either there already or at risk of upping the ante .

I think you are doing great at your 6.5 months . I personally think you do have a problem and are more likely than not , an alcoholic or on the way .

But good for you for stopping now cos it may well end up being 5 cans at midday and 8 cans at night ...it's a progressive disease , one day it just creeps up and bites you on the bum .

Don't drink , you are so lucky you have stopped now before it gets worse , cos i promise you this ..it ain't gonna get better .


Kudos to you for stopping , i wish you all the best , you seem pretty smart xxxx

desypete

i can not tell you if your an alcoholic or not all i can do is share with you my experience strength and hope, the same as other alcoholics will do the same. its then up to you to make your own mind up if your an alcoholic or not

only you can make that decision i based my decsion on being able to identify with most of the other alcoholics in aa who shared there own experience with me at the meetings when i heard there war storys it was like they was talking about me as i was the same as them
when they shared about there emotions there iron will you name it what ever they shared on about themselves i would feel the same way
this is how come i made my mind up i was an alcoholic.
good luck to you my friend

jdooner

This post jumps out at me for a few reasons. One I relate to you here totally. I too have an active family that still tells me I was fine. I was suicidal and drinking 3-4.5L of Vodka per week and was bored of the booze and graduated to cocaine use that was escalating. I seriously doubt it would have been acknowledged at my funeral either.

As an alcoholic and addict I surrounded myself with active people to tell me what I wanted to hear. In terms of my family, I am a byproduct of their twisted ideation and its no surprise that the manifestation is an addict, me.

I too have a same voice inside that knew I needed help. This voice led me to AA in '96 and got sober for six months. But I fell back to old habits and shifted addictions (my wife, career, binge drinking then daily then escalation of drug use combined with drinking).

I had to listen to that kid inside me this time. I knew it was life and death for me. Partly because I have no boundaries and the escalation can happen quickly. I know if I relapse I am graduating to crack or meth and it get progressively harder to come back from this more potent substances.

You reached out...you should be so proud. I don't even know you but I am proud of you. Your giving that kid, that voice an ability to be heard. Good for you AS!!!

Seriously this is a pivotal point in recovery for you IMO.

In terms of creating a better life, IME I had to build a new life and am still doing so. This takes massive amounts of work and energy. I had to cut off old ties (I did not have too many towards the end), change habits, develop a program (I tried many and fought all but AA's 12 steps are what is working for me).

I would have laughed at the guy I am becoming but then again I was an active addict with a deluded mindset capable of awful things too.

Getting out of my own prison and the abject slavery I subjected myself too is the most liberating feeling in the World.

alwayssober1

Thanks for this jdooner, I do feel like I'm a product of my surroundings, I'm not passing the buck here, but I did have a permissive attitude to drinking, it was completely normal to me.

There are two voices, the AV and the other knowing i was heading in a bad direction. I lied with my post yesterday, I did drink that amount of alcohol, but the last 3 months it had escalated, I had started drinking whiskey everyday, ashamedly, during that time I sold my car to pay for it because I was out of work.

But again, January when I quit I only said I would quit to see the health benefits, never admitted to myself it was because I was an addict, it was a trail I could back out of any time when I felt like it!

Knowing how much I struggle without booze and this thread makes me realise I have more of a problem then I like to admit to myself.

Thanks again.

SnoozyQ

Keep posting AlwaysSober . Xx

jdooner

Its alright AS, your safe here man. WE cannot change the past, only learn from it and keep moving forward. Those that don't learn and repeat expecting different results are insane. Save this OP, I think it will be important to return to at a later date. To me this seems like a pivotal point in your journey.

I was told by one of my mentors, to run and make as much progress when things are good, because they won't always be that way. So with this breakthrough, use this energy to form a plan, don't squander this opportunity and move forward. You will be thankful the next time you question your resolve.

For me I use AA but I had to learn Rational Recovery first. I also see a therapist weekly (just came from seeing him). Whatever program you choose or none program, stay open, honest and willing and I am sure you have amazing things that await you!

alwayssober1

Cheers mate.

gardendiva

My feelings exactly.

SonomaGal

I wanted to address the early part of your thread about everyone (but you) feeling better at 6.5 months.

Point of fact, I did NOT feel good at that time. Can we say nearly every symptom of PAWS (not necessarily all at once) from 6 to 7.5 months? Yep, I felt truly screwed, and it was so hard just sitting with my emotions and frustration without an escape valve. But you know what? All this crap, wtf don't I feel better?!?! really propelled me forward and kept me sober. Because I'm pretty sure that drinking to feel better from not drinking is the definition of insanity. Lol.

I'm so glad now because I can finally see how much progress I've made -- it's definitely starting to sink in that I'm going to be okay.

So just keep going, and have faith that with time and action it will get easier, and things in your life will fall into place. !

Afteralcohol

AlwaysSober, is it worth you writing down (here, preferably, because then it's in the open) exactly how much you were drinking in those last three months? Then next time you get the urge to minimise, there's a record of it?

alwayssober1

Thanks SonomaGal, yeah I definitely feel the symptoms of PAWS really intensify from the 5 month mark, it has steadily increased, with that the frustration is really setting in!

But knowing things will gradual improve (even at a snails pace lol) keeps me going, I see this time now as the greatest test so far, I'm going to battle through to get to the other side.

alwayssober1

Yeah I drank on average 5-8 beers a night, normally the upper end when I could afford it.

The last 3 months beer had become boring, so I went on to whiskey to get a better buzz, I replaced 4 beers with a quarter bottle of whiskey instead, so that would be 4 beers (pints) and 3 or 4 double whiskey's a night.

Then near Christmas time with all the hard stuff in the house I was drinking a lot of spirits mixed, half bottles of either whiskey, vodka, gin, with a few beers, but I like to think of that amount as festive drinking only, but I got quite comfortable with that amount over time.

I was getting worse.

RecklessEric

Alwayssober, if drinking is causing problems, try stop. If you have trouble stopping, there's a problem.
Doesn't really matter, imo, what you label yourself.
Address the problem.