Thesouthern1

Hi there everyone,I have been lurking for a while and finally got the guts to post myself. I am a 31 year old mommy to two amazing children, girl aged nearly 5 and my little guy who is nearly 2, I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful, big house with lots of friends and am a stay at home mum, all sounds amazing doesn't it, except I am an alcoholic. I have had a problem with alcohol since my first taste at 13 and I have abused it ever since. As a teenager and 20 something I used to get absolutely hammered at least 3 times a week, so hammered to the point I would vomit anywhere, not be able to walk etc, I was with my non drinking husband all through this time and how he has put up with me I will never know! I was totally abstinent during both pregnancies and while breast feeding but for the last year have been totally off the rails. I started just having a few glasses of wine in the evening, every other evening, then started having a bottle every evening and twice in the last 6 months have gotten so drunk I have vomited in my bed, all over my husband and my little girl has woken up both times crying, screaming that she is so worried about me and I was just laid there in my own vomit passed out, I am crying while writing this, I come from two alcoholic parents and never thought I would put my children through that! I have been having black outs most evenings and not remembering what I said or did ( both children asleep at this time) I have put on tonnes of weight, and got to a point I was hiding the wine bottles from my husband who knows I have one sip and I need the whole bottle. Last wed I had the girls over and had 3 bottles of wine and half a bottle of neat Pimms, my friends thought I was hilarious but that is the night I couldn't walk, vomited everywhere and passed out naked, my husband took photos to show me and I am disgusted, I feel so lost since then. I haven't had a drink since then so 7 days but I am now feeling like I really want some wine! I don't want to be this person, I feel disgusted in myself and feel like my husband of 14 years has lost all respect for me, why do I have such a problem, how can I beat this I'm scared I am going to lose everything thanks for listening.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum!!

For me alcohol became progressive too, before I knew it things had spiralled and it was causing problems in life, but we both don't need to go back to that place, 7 days can be the beginning of a real change for the future, and for your family.

It can be scary though, all the thoughts of dealing with life without what we have always had can play on the mind, but it can be done, you just need to take that leap of faith in the beginning that everything is going to be alright, here on SR there is no one with long term Sobriety complaining that they gave up alcohol.

For me to get through those initial periods when the thought of drinking inevitably crops up, I needed to really accept that I am now a non drinker, abstinence was only part of the job, I needed to revolutionise my lifestyle to one that doesn't facilitate alcohol anymore, that will take some changes, but it will be worth it.

You can do this!!

gaffo

7 days is awesome! That is something you can build on. Please don't drink any more wine. It sounds like your family loves you very much and your husband will support your sobriety. Keep coming back here. Your kids are young, they'll forget these grim days. It will get better and there will be plenty of good times mixed in with the not so good times along the way. Use the fact that it has gotten so bad to motivate you not to let it get that way again, it's all or nothing for people like us. My alcohol privileges were revoked and it's the best thing that's ever happened to me!

Climber122

Glad to hear you are 7 days sober! Don't focus on what you did when drunk so much, although keeping that in mind can serve as a good motivator to move forward. There's basically two things going on here - a physical illness, the craving for alcohol and more of it than is healthy or normal, and then the mental obsession with drinking which causes you to continue to drink despite the consequences you talk about. You are beyond physical short term withdrawal now at 7 days, so having done that consider what you can do to seek help for the mental obsession part. You have a valuable moment right now that you can choose to seize and get the help you need to get well. If you need help finding resources please let us know and you'll get responses here within minutes.

Mummyto2

Hi I am 39 and also have two beautiful children, I am on day 2, there is no answer too this illness apart from to stop for good, I wish you all the luck in the world keep going you can do this for yourself & family

alphaomega

Welcome and no you are not a horrible person. You are an alcoholic and as such, one sip of our drug of choice, opens the proverbial flood gates and we are then in it's grips until usually we either pass out or can not stomach another sip.

Until we decide thereafter, that maybe we are not REALLY an alcoholic and we opt to play out the scenario again thinking maybe THIS TIME it will be different.

I used wine as a multi-decade long coping mechanism for a life, that on paper, looked pretty darn good to outsiders.

You belong here. Welcome.

jdooner

You can change all of this. Your kids are young enough where you can break the cycle and not pass it down to them too. We all have oour **** but few of us choose to do somethign about it.

Welcome - your kids deserve a sober mother. The past is the past, focus on the present and create a great future in that big beutiful house with your amazing family!

Thesouthern1

Wow I am sat here in tears from all the wonderful,support, what lovely people thank you so much your words have hit so hard xxxx

Stoogy

Quote- beautiful, big house with lots of friends and am a stay at home mum, all sounds amazing.

When we look at tv program's or movies, Alcoholics are usually portrayed as down and outs living rough, and on commercials the actors are always good looking people drinking the alcohol of choice, it's amazing that in reality it hits any of us regardless of your financial situation or social standing.

zjw

why?

I can relate I puked all over my wife one evening while in bed I swear to this day it was something i ate but i'm sure if i wasnt totally smashed it would not have happened. I slept in my vomit many of times. I have no idea why my wife stuck around I dont know if i would have tolerated the same nonsense from her but again I guess i might have.

The good news? your husband must really love you we alcoholics are good at picken spouses that stand by us i swear. I've heard some horror stories and non drinking spouses that stood by. Your lucky to have him.

Congrats on the 7 days. You sound fortunate nice house nice kids nice family etc.. why mess it up with booze? I drank to self medicate the mess in my head. I too have a nice house nice family nice wife etc.. No idea why life stinks in my head but I drank to medicate I suppose.

Sobering up was a good thing for me. no more hangovers no more puke fests no more awful mornings. No more feeling like i might die wishing i would contimplating taking it into my own hands. No more do i have to hear my son say things like "gee dad you really hit em hard last night" in response to all my empties. No more puking in the sink as my wife heads up to bed telling her I'll be up later that I'm not done drinking yet ::facepalm::. Now I run each day I eat healthy I am a healthy weight. Life still has its ups and downs and i'm still learning how to be a better person each day but I dont want to go back to that misery.

I'm not sure what that wine has to offer you thats so great other then feeding your addiction but I can tell you a much better life awaits you without it.

zjw

It sounds like he's trying to help you. I'd imagine he wants his wife back. But be careful dont beat yourself up sitting around feeling crappy about yourself for what you've done could just drag you right back to the bottle too. Dont go down that slope. Just move forward without the booze leave the past in the past.

angelwithoutgod

I used to get drunk and crawl around on the floor crying and puking while my boyfriend stood by and watched. Luckily he didn't dump me. I've been sober 2 months now. You can do it, you just have to take it one day at a time. Things will get hard at times but you can't turn to the alcohol, you just have to ride it out...cry, run in circles, just do anything but drink. Then next day you will feel better. Try eating good food as a treat or do something good for yourself each day you accomplish being sober.

DoubleDragons

I have horror stories of lying in my own puke, being so passed out that I had to be carried, etc. etc. and I am just like you: a well-loved (God bless my husband) , stay-at-home mom of four with all the comforts that life can bring. Sadly, I didn't let my own drunkenness bring me to the point of sobriety. (over nine months now and I don't want to look back. I feel so much better all of the way around being sober!) It was watching my mom become a bender drinker, showing up to family functions drunk, listening to her slur in the mornings that made me realize that my problem was only going to get worse and worse. And guess what? My mom is a well-off, stay at home wife, with a husband who adores her, who lives on one of the most beautiful beaches in the world. She has any material thing she could possibly want, her children and grandchildren are all healthy and happy and she is an alcoholic, too. This horrible addiction does not discriminate. Give the gift of sobriety to yourself and your family. You will not regret it!!!

Duckygirl

Your husband clearly loves and cares for you. My non drinking spouse during relapses always says- "I just want YOU back." I have done some crazy, insane things while drunk that haunted me. I completely understand. Most of us are here because we are scared too. Congrats on your 7 days. You are not alone in your pain. You have a great family to be grateful for, just try focusing on all the positives in life during this early stage in recovery. Wish you the best

zanabanana

Good job on seven days!

Wine is my frenemy. It was my best friend at the beginning with half a bottle, then two, and then three until I lost my ex, my job, and my apartment. I drank so much wine back then even just a sip of it today will churn my stomach. I'm beginning to listen to my body every time I take just that one sip. I could feel my body giving out every time. Of course, my addiction didn't care.

Like the others said, you're young, you're on day 7. You have a husband, two children, a happy life. Unfortunately, addiction would love nothing more than to ruin all that. But we can't and WON'T let it. We're the strong ones here. We have to protect ourselves from the addiction.

Welcome! I'm glad you're here. Keep coming back.

JustODAAT

You can do this. I was you. Next week I have 2 years sober. I am not special, do nothing magical, just make a daily commitment and log in here every day.

I also grew up with an alcoholic parent. I remember the child I was and how I felt in that situation every time I want a drink.

There is a life without shame waiting for you. You and your children deserve it.

Wendolene

Firstly, welcome to the forums .

Congratulations on the 7 days! For me, the first days were by far the hardest, and you have got through them. Please don't turn back now - you are honestly doing so well. I was a wine drinker myself - I did go through periods of moderation where I could just stop at 1 glass, but all it took was a stressful time to crop up and I would need the entire bottle. At the end of my period of heavy drinking, it was much more than that. I'm not going to lie - there's days when I miss it like anything, and my addictive voice says that I can go back to my days of moderation, but I know that there will always be a risk of me spiralling again and it really isn't worth it.

It sounds like your husband and family really loves you. I can understand why the photographs were disturbing - my partner videoed me having a particularly bad panic attack after drinking, where I was kicking and screaming on the floor. I hated it, but now I know he was only doing it out of concern.

You have a wonderful new way of living ahead of you if you want it - it won't always be easy, but it will be worth it.

You have made the first step by reaching out for help here. Many alcoholics don't admit they have a problem - including some in my family. You've shown tremendous courage. Don't beat yourself up - be proud of yourself, and don't look back.

*lots of hugs*

RecklessEric

7 days is great.
My wife has told me that I will have to move out if I drink again. My daughter is 7 and is a total daddy"s girl!
I cannot choose drink over them.
But I need to work on my sobriety. So do you.
The photo your fella took could be most valuable.
Why don't you keep it and look at it when you're tempted to drink?
We can forget the pain sometimes, so a reminder of what we stand to lose can be helpful.
Keep in touch here. There's a lot of wisdom on these boards and I've gotten great help.
Thinking of you.

Thesouthern1

Thank you all so much for all your honest replies, I know I am lucky as anything and for the last 8 days have been feeling wonderful, no blackouts, feeling full of energy etc the temptation is so strong just to have one glass, I wonder if I could just have one? I know that is my addiction talking eh, it has a very strong voice! I'm going to try and keep strong! Thanks a million you all xxxx

RecklessEric

Why risk ruining that good feeling you described?
I promise, you won't feel so good if you drink.
Stay strong.