The sun comes up

Old 07-09-2014, 04:08 AM
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voices ca**y
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The sun comes up

So I am having some irregular sleep patterns lately. Oh joys of the change. I went to bed early and woke up at 2 am and now the sun is coming up. It reminded me very vividly of the first time I had ever stayed up all night drinking and sitting on the computer. I first realized what I had done when I heard birds chirping. Then the sky slowly stared to light up. 5am and I am drunk and not sleepy. I was so shocked that I had done that. After that I would keep my purchase to a pint.
My brain tends to block those memories out. I remember though.
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Old 07-09-2014, 06:41 AM
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Hi. Good post as even after many sober years, Remember When is still very important and one reason that I continue to go to meetings, to often for many but it's my memory refresh.

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Old 07-09-2014, 09:35 AM
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Memories can be a good thing, reminds us of where we used to be, where alcohol took us in life, but we don't have to go back!!
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Old 07-09-2014, 12:46 PM
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Originally Posted by silentrun View Post
Recently I had this thought that maybe I should once and for all tackle the "am I" or "am I not really" with a drinking experiment (for science of course)
Your post stopped me in my tracks friend. I haven't known where you been at it I am struggling with my own self absorption in my new again..sobriety.

I only had to go back as far as your last thread. There it was.

You had a year under your belt...the year I yearn for. And it was only yesterday I wondered if my "one year" yearning might land me in hot water when that time rolls around.

All I know is I learned something from my last relapse. I have been primarily a "SR" supported sober person (although I did have counselling last year as well). I know that prior to my relapse last fall I was isolating...I was lonely...I wasn't getting everything I needed from SR..or my readings...and I left myself wide open for relapse both to drinking and a return to a toxic relationship.

I have been toying with a return to AA for awhile now (the thoughts were shocking to me actually)...but I know something was missing from my recovery plan..

People. People I could see, touch and hear. I went to my second meeting last night and was surprised when a woman I had known for a very long time sat down right beside me. I didn't know she was in AA. We had a lovely conversation in the parking lot after in the evening summer breeze.

When I talked to my sister (who has been regularly attending AA for past 4 or so months)..she said...for a lot of people...the parking lot is their favourite part.

I don't know what was missing in your recovery...well, life really..that was missing. All I know is I know that when something is missing...when something isn't working..I have to readjust my sails in new directions. That for me is what I learned from relapse.

We learn and we learn and we learn...

Right here with you Silentrun.

I just read your post again...I REALLY hope I didn't misinterpret it. Did you drink last night??? It doesn't seem so from other responses. Apologies if I got this all wrong.
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Old 07-09-2014, 01:46 PM
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Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
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Many many many years ago, I was out with girlfriends and we closed a bar at 6:00 am. I remember the stark light burning my eyes as we were the last to leave the bar because we never wanted the party to end. I was 19. I think.

The moment where we left the bar, drunk and starting to hang from last call being hours prior, I remember wishing the day would just go the F away.

The light was too painful.

The consequences of the night before even moreso.

I hated that feeling. I didn't feel cool because I snuck into a bar underage, or that we partied until the wee hours.

Even at that age, it just felt sad.

The next time I did that, shortly thereafter with another group of girls, we were drinking champagne out of bottles at Shenanigans on Rush and Division. I wastedly called my boyfriend at the time (my husband now) as asked him to come get me. He told me to sit tight, that he would be right there. I was tapping my foot in anticipation waiting for him to get there from the other side of the city.

Who pulled up ? His father.

I thought I was talking to my boyfriend, and his dad thought he and I were fighting so he came and rescued me.

Not that I have a problem or anything.
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Old 07-09-2014, 06:46 PM
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voices ca**y
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AAAHHHH...That quote actually was my proof that I do have a serious issue with alcohol. Only an addict would think of drinking again after all I have been through. Any normal person would not go near it ever again.
I guess that is normal potential relapse thing that happens at one year. Made it through that one. Whew! I went to 1 AA meeting and sat my butt in the chair and said the word outloud to real people. That cured that.
Nothing is missing in my recovery at the moment. I am dealing with some pretty serious issues right now, so I have been spending more time on here lately. Not to keep me from drinking but there is support for practically everything on here. I agree the key is support from people who understand exactly what you are going through. People who know exactly what it means when you say you feel like using just this once. SR is that for me.

Last edited by silentrun; 07-09-2014 at 06:46 PM. Reason: butt has 2 t's
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