andyroo72

Hi there,

I haven't drunk alcohol for over 3 weeks now. I'm still smoking a bit of pot, which I'm not entirely comfortable with, but that's another issue :=] What I'm really struggling with right now are my friends. And my 'friends.' I find it easy to confuse the two, I think.

I don't have that many friends, I'm a bit of a loner-depressive-thinker type, but almost all the friends I do have drink a lot. An awful lot. There's other drugs there too. One friend boasted to me last week how he'd sniffed glue. Not cool in any event, but it's especially uncool right now for me to be connected with that sort of world.

I'm not sure what to do or even what to think. I'm really aware that what I 'should' do is just ditch them if they're going to make it harder for me to stay sober. But that's not how I work. I actually love these people. I'm really uncomfortable with taking the 'tuff love' approach where there's a whole lot of 'tuff' and bugger all 'love.'

I've changed a lot about how I interact with my friends. They know I'm not drinking and vaguely support that. Well, not really. I still get offered alcohol which I think is bit brainless. I have, however, hung out with them a couple of times when they were getting drunk, had a bit of fun, stayed for as long as I was comfortable and then gone home. That was ok- not brilliant- but ok.

I guess for it's a matter of priorities. I'm really determined not to make any substance the priority of my life, ignoring the fact that I smoke cigarettes for the moment. But there's a number of people in my life of whom I can (somewhat arrogantly) say that getting out of it in some way IS the priority. It's almost like that's contagious, it rubs off on me in direct ways, but also very subtly.

I think I'm feeling lonely and confused. I'm in this situation where I feel like I have to 'parent' my friends, which ultimately will mean they're no longer my friends because I'll be doing all the looking after. I just don't want to write them off. That feels wrong.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. If you've got this far, thanks for reading. Take care. :=]

Bubovski

In my decades of drinking the great bulk of my 'friends' were simply drinking partners at best.Kind of 'frenemies'. Perhaps a complete re vamp is required.............

AA is a good place to meet and socialize with people also keen to remain sober.

PurpleKnight

If these people are your "friends" and "love" you then they should have no problem with you not drinking.

Alcohol is life or death for some people, so telling people "I'm not drinking anymore as I've made a change in my life for the better" . . . what friend wouldn't congratulate you on that amazing decision in your life?

Friend's are supposed to back you up on such life decisions, the life or death ones, if not then it's the end of the road for those friendships!!

ScottFromWI

It's certainly a tough one Andy. I had to sever ties with quite a few of my old buddies. In reality all we had in common was drinking anyway, so once I got used to living sober i really don't miss much of our time. I certainly still view them as amicable people, but really all we did was drink- there's nothing for us to do anymore once you take drinking out of the equation.

The bigger issue is finding new ways to live and new things to do. One you do that, you'll make new friends by default. Do you participate in any local support groups or meetings? That's a great place to start. Volunteering is another great place to meet people.

sj999

Anyone who is unsupportive of your quitting alcohol isn't a true friend. However, some of these people in your life may not be malicious in any way so much as just clueless. Is it possible to cut the drinking situations out of your life without cutting THEM out? What I'm getting at here is, can you take initiative to plan some social activities that don't involve drinking? And if you think they're still going to try to incorporate it, would you be able to sit down with them, maybe individually with the friends you feel close with and want to keep in your life, and explain how hard it is for you to be around drinking right now?

The first time I quit, I didn't feel I could do what I'm suggesting to you above. And so I put myself in a lot of situations I wasn't REALLY happy in, feeling that I should be able to "tough it out" and that it was asking too much to ask anyone to change plans on my behalf. But you know what? I was wrong and that was stupid. You CAN ask your friends not to drink around you. Granted, not really at a bar or party - and so maybe you don't go to bars or parties so much - but you can absolutely say "hey, it's really important for me to stop drinking and it's tough for me to be around it right now, so can we try to plan some other stuff?" (and have suggestions in mind).

The suggestions to expand your social circle are also great. I've been working on that as well, and I'm finding some awesome new people are playing a more prominent role in my life, while I'm still able to maintain relationships with older friends who still drink. It all just takes time and a lot of getting used to, and a little bit of bravery and initiative on your part.

zjw

As much as you love these people the more sober time you get the further apart you may find yourself from these people either by your choice or theres. It doesnt have to be a big deal people can and do grow apart. You can still hang out with them now and then assuming its not making you want to drink etc... they are still your friends after all but you may find over time you have less and less in common or its difficult for you to just sit there while people drink etc... you may find you simply just wanna do other stuff.

I dont think you have to ditch them nor should you but in time you may just grow apart some and you have to be ok with that. Maybe you'll rub off on some but be careful its easier to get pulled down sometimes then it is to pull people up especially if our own footing isnt all that great yet.


Congrats on the 3 weeks no booze. I hope in time you can give up the other stuff too one step at a time one day at a time it can be done.

andyroo72

Thank you for your kind thoughts :=] It's 7am in the morning, so I'm not feeling to definite on anything, so bare with me lol

There certainly are people who've been in my life who are there simply because of drinking. Honestly, I have pretty much written them off already- I'll say hi etc. but there's little or less point in hanging out. It's the other group of friends who I actually have a history of semi-together caring with that's the tough one for me. Those relationships aren't just based on alcohol, they're far more real. The issue for me, I suppose, is priorities. How much of a priority is alcohol to that person? Is it more important than me? That's a tough one.

The other thing too I think I'm realising is that I really want an easy way to sort this issue out. There really isn't one. It's gonna be messy and a series of small steps, like most things that actually work.

Thanks for the suggestion that I do other stuff, too- I was plain forgetting there's actually other things to do socially other than drinking :=] A movie maybe. There's a new paintball place that's opened up the road- a bit of fun safe pseudo-violence might work wonders. Thanks again.

SonomaGal

When I first quit last summer I thought I could still spend time with my friends while they were drinking. After a few months and a few more Day 1's I finally saw how hard this choice was on me. My priority needed to be sobriety, and my activities needed to support this. I still see some of these friends but definitely not while they're drinking. This change really made a difference for me!

newwestdork

I have some friends and some "friends" from back in the day. The friends support my sobriety and are still pleasant to be around. The "friends" were people I could barely stand to be around drunk, but it was better than drinking alone.

You're better off without "friends" - you'll make some real ones soon enough.

Gargery

It took a while, but time made things clearer, for me at least. I rolled out my sobriety to close friends in stages. First, I told them I was just taking a break from drinking. A month or two later I told them I never wanted to drink again. My closer friends know some of the details of my recovery, including that I attend meetings. Some people just fell away, but I got a surprising amount of support from people I didn't consider close friends, merely drinking buddies. In one case, I think I've been able to be of help to a friend with a drinking problem.

I still play cards with some drinking buddies every week. Sooner or later, I figure they'll get tired of me taking their money and sober up.

Do whatever you have to to keep that sobriety going, or at least that's what I'm trying to do. Your mileage will vary.