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Old 07-12-2014, 07:13 PM
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Originally Posted by Katie88 View Post
Hi SJ. I have mixed feelings today. In light of writing about this on SR i came to the conclusion that part of the reason I've felt lonely is because i have been spending time with ONLY friends who are in serious relationships. Two of them are men who, before they had girlfriends, prioritized me and our friendship. Now that they both live with girlfriends my relationship with them have changed. I end up being the third wheel or feeling alone when they talk about "we're doing this" or "we're doing that." I realized that these relationships may be a huge contributing factor to why I've been feeling down about being single.

So I've put some boundaries up with these two and have decided not to hang out with them until I am in a better place emotionally. I know it sounds selfish to resent them for having girlfriends, and i don't think i can be a good friend if this is how i feel. Also, i need to make space in my life for people who can prioritize me...so have been looking into ways to involve myself in activities where i can meet new people. AA may be one of them. Thanks for asking SJ. How are you?
AA is not a social club Katie, it's sole purpose is to help people recover from the killer disease of alcoholism.

Having said that, there are plenty of lonely needy people in AA. The odds of getting into a realtionship are very good. But the goods are very odd.
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Old 07-13-2014, 03:16 PM
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I understand AA is not a social group. That wasn't what I meant. Sorry if i offended you.
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Old 07-13-2014, 06:53 PM
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But I must say, that kind of attitude is exactly why I haven't gone to AA yet. Of course it is not a social club, but a huge part of recovery is having peer/sponsor support. It is hard to recover alone.

Also, I never said I was going into AA to find a significant other. Nor do I present as "needy and lonely" in any type of situation. So I don't appreciate the accusations. And I will be careful about expressing my emotions on SR in the future if making myself vulnerable will lead to this kind of misunderstanding.
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Old 07-14-2014, 12:22 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
AA is not a social club Katie, it's sole purpose is to help people recover from the killer disease of alcoholism.

Having said that, there are plenty of lonely needy people in AA. The odds of getting into a realtionship are very good. But the goods are very odd.
Originally Posted by Katie88 View Post
I understand AA is not a social group. That wasn't what I meant. Sorry if i offended you.
Originally Posted by Katie88 View Post
But I must say, that kind of attitude is exactly why I haven't gone to AA yet. Of course it is not a social club, but a huge part of recovery is having peer/sponsor support. It is hard to recover alone.

Also, I never said I was going into AA to find a significant other. Nor do I present as "needy and lonely" in any type of situation. So I don't appreciate the accusations. And I will be careful about expressing my emotions on SR in the future if making myself vulnerable will lead to this kind of misunderstanding.
Hi Katie,

I don't think you offended Gottalife and I don't believe he was accusing you of treating AA as a social club nor you being needy and lonely. He was merely warning you to be careful when it comes to relationships and AA. When I was in a 30 day program they warned us time and time again to avoid romantic relationships for at least a year after sobriety (though I don't know how long you have been sober). Wether or not recovering addicts chose to follow this is up to them. He just didn't want you to start going to AA and let your focus drift from the main goal of AA - sobriety. Gottalife wasn't saying you presented yourself as lonely and needy, merely that you will find many people like that in AA which can lead to a slippery slope into a relationship that might not be good for you.

Trust me, I am 28 and single. I know exactly how you feel. Most of my friends are married and having kids if they don't already have some. I was in an 7 year relationship with a woman who broke my heart more than once. Its been over two years since I left her and kicked her out. But the string of weak relationships I've had in the two some years since has left me feeling just like you. More than one of them just used me. I finally stopped dating women about 6 months ago after the last betrayal and honestly the sheer lonliness alone was what drove me deeper down the rabbit hole of alcoholism. Having struggled to get sober the last 6 months, I found the lonliness almost unbearable sober. But I realized working on myself is the best way to find the right girl for me some day. I haven't been clean long at all, am still out of shape, and am still struggling with depression and the feeling of lonliness day in and day out.

I think in life, the harder you try and find someone, the worse luck you have. I think by focusing on yourself (exercise, hobbies, volunteer, AA) and trying to forget that you are single and lonely, you might find the right guy shows up right out of the blue.

Do you have pets? One thing that keeps me motivated and makes me feel less lonely is my dog. She is always there for me and keeps me sane. Anyway, don't get distraught over that comment and feel you need to restrain from showing emotion here. We are all here to help each other and most people here know far more than I do about this stuff, but I totally relate to what you have posted here in this thread. Give AA a try and meet some new sober people.
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Old 07-14-2014, 10:04 AM
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Hi NorCal,

Thanks so much for your comments. I am sorry to hear about your experience, but you know from what I've previously posted that I definitely understand what you have gone through/are going through. I think it is a tough age. Realistically, probably 50% of us are single, but thanks to societal pressure and social media it feels like 1%. I have older mentors who tell me that people do freak out as 30 approaches and a lot of them rush into relationships, marry the wrong person, have kids they don't want, and make all kinds of bad decisions that they will regret in five years.

My truth that I was trying to express is that I am finding it hard to stay sober without a support network. Without a significant other or friends who are available to hang out, I do get lonely. I think that is probably pretty common not only among alcoholics but among single people who are of a certain age. And there is really no cure for it except time. People keep telling me that if I live my life and learn to love myself, the right person will come along. 100% of these people are in relationships, so easy for them to say. I think a lot of times people just say something they think sounds good to make themselves feel like they've given valuable advice. So I am not going to do that right now. All I can say is that I validate your feelings and I know exactly what you are going through.
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Old 07-14-2014, 10:55 AM
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Hi Katie & NorCal
I understand you both. I am sure many folks here do. It is hard to express via text sometimes and misunderstandings are normal. I don't feel that anyone here is too quick to feel offended. In fact, I get this older-sibling feel from a lot of people in that they are simply offering advice and looking out for everyone.
I am 31 and single. I have been so for quite some time. My lat relationship left me very, very wounded. It was the first time that I started wondering if I had a drinking problem. The issues were so cyclical that, even looking back now, I just kinda shake my head and wonder why. My partner wasn't a healthy choice for me... this is evident now. Though, at the time, I was blinded and drinking, because of pain and vulnerability, didn't help. Anyways, I haven't been able to be in a relationship since. It is clear to me that I have a problem feeling vulnerable and open to someone now... alcohol has, in the past, been there for numb that.
What it boils down to, for me, is that I'd much rather be alone and have periods of loneliness than in a relationship that isn't 100% right and be drunk to help ease issues/pain. Someone else said it and I will echo their words: a relationship is the last thing you need right now. Friendship, totally -- a healthy clan of buddies is always good. Though, a lover, partner, whatever-you-wanna-call-it, might not be the best at this point in your life.
Address the pain that might linger, see where it hurts within you, make yourself whole and self-sustained!
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Old 07-14-2014, 11:12 AM
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Hi inthekeyofg!

Thank you very much for your commentary. I am sorry to hear of your heartbreak. Honestly, a lot of the reason i turned to alcohol had to do with being heartbroken over romantic situations. Over and over again! So I get you.

I think there is a difference between acknowledging feeling upset about not having a relationship and actively seeking one. I don't think at any point i said i am trying to get into a relationship,and i especially never said i was going to show up at AA with that goal. I was simply expressing feeling sad about being the only single person i know. Recognizing that this is a big part of my abuse of alcohol is part of my recovery.

Anyway, I agree the loneliness is better than the pain of being in a bad relationship. I hope that sobriety will give me an opportunity to look at the mistakes of my past so when i am ready for a relationship again, it will be a constructive, supportive one. Inthekeyofg, i hope the same for you!
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Old 07-14-2014, 11:48 AM
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Katie, I've commented on your thread before, just another thought. Do you think that this strong non-specific (i.e. not targeted to a specific person you know) craving for a romantic relationship is actually a phenomenon that's masking something else in your life? That somehow it's incomplete, or you feel incomplete as a person, and you want to be in a relationship so much because you expect that it will fill a space or substitute something else? Maybe you could figure out what it is, truly?

I don't know... maybe I am totally wrong... but from everything I've seen in my life, it appears to me when people crave a partner this non-specific way and feel so lonely due to this, there is usually something else deep down in the background...

"I hope that sobriety will give me an opportunity to look at the mistakes of my past"
In my view, this^ would be a mistake probably, to dwell on mistakes from your past. Why not try to use this new found state of being (sobriety) for working on yourself and creating a life where you might not feel so lonely when alone occasionally? Immersing yourself in the past and in the longing will only take you so far, if anywhere at all.

Maybe you could really just make new friends in the time being, get to know them... and who knows maybe one will turn into something more romantic with time. If you jump into the scene with the set idea that you are looking for a romantic partner before getting to know them, there is a higher probability it'll lead you to disappointment because you have played the tape through in your imagination ahead of time. Often it's also much more exciting to explore something or someone without a priori expections as to where it/you might want to go, keep an open end, and let the experience guide it?
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Old 07-14-2014, 12:15 PM
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Haennie you are super smart. Are you a psychologist? I have a MA in Counseling Psychology and can usually identify my own kind To be honest, my longing for a relationship isn't as non-specific as it sounds in my previous posts. There is someone I have loved for seven years, and whether or not she loves me the way I love her, she has a boyfriend! She claims to be bisexual and she has a lot of issues around her own sexuality. I have struggled for years trying to keep her as a friend but also feeling frustrated that I can't get what I want from her - a romantic relationship. So I keep trying to date other people and end up disappointed and/or betrayed and then she is there to comfort me as a friend, which makes it even harder to get over her.

Do I feel incomplete as a person? Definitely! I think i know what i want to do for my career, have plenty of education under my belt, but am having trouble getting a job I like. Also, as other people have commented on, this is an age where it is really hard to be single. People in their late 20s talk about nothing but weddings and thinking about kids. It is hard to be one of the only people who isn't doing that. I feel like at 35, when i have my career under control and all of this wedding nonsense isn't in my face anymore things will be better.

Clearly I am sorting out a lot of issues right now. In one of your earlier posts you asked if i had a therapist. I do. But sometimes i feel there are so many issues to tackle that i don't know where to start. And she is super super expensive so i can't afford to go as much as i probably need to...
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Old 07-14-2014, 01:03 PM
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You need to talk to people who aren't brainwashed about relationships and marriage

They solve NOTHING

NOTHING

I was 38 when I married and I had reached a point where I was ok if I NEVER married.
Why should I let something so silly rule who I am and what I do?
I went to Europe ALONE at age 27 - it was the best thing I ever did for myself.
I learned to be alone and LIKE IT, in fact I LOVE IT.
I hate sharing my space. Gettting married was a huge adjustment


Anyone can get married, do not measure yourself against such an empty societal pressure.

Learn who YOU are what makes YOU happy OUTSIDE OF RELATIONSHIPS


You will be a more rounded and interesting person.

I nearly smacked the crap out of someone who said (when I was in my twenties)
"You are only half a person until you are with someone"

REALLY??

So Kate Hepburn was half a person?

Do not buy into this CRAP
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Old 07-14-2014, 01:06 PM
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Thank you so much lil sister!!!!!!! I think you are right, and I needed to hear this!
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Old 07-14-2014, 01:09 PM
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[QUOTE=Katie88;4779480]Haennie you are super smart. Are you a psychologist? I have a MA in Counseling Psychology and can usually identify my own kind To be honest, my longing for a relationship isn't as non-specific as it sounds in my previous posts. There is someone I have loved for seven years, and whether or not she loves me the way I love her, she has a boyfriend! She claims to be bisexual and she has a lot of issues around her own sexuality. I have struggled for years trying to keep her as a friend but also feeling frustrated that I can't get what I want from her - a romantic relationship. So I keep trying to date other people and end up disappointed and/or betrayed and then she is there to comfort me as a friend, which makes it even harder to get over her.

Katie, this explains so much! Thank you for feeling open and comfortable sharing... Love and desire, that which you've shared with us here, most certainly takes some time to work through. Again, I understand wholeheartedly where you're at on an emotional level!

I have to apologize, this thread got away from me a bit and I didn't take the time needed to really read each and every post/reply... I gathered incorrectly that you were actively seeking a relationship. I now see where I tripped up in the dialogue.

I agree, I wouldn't fixate on the mistakes, but rather where you're at currently. Certainly acknowledge them as well as your place on the path, bid them hello and goodbye equally.
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Old 07-14-2014, 01:12 PM
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Right on, LittleSister!
"Learn who YOU are what makes YOU happy OUTSIDE OF RELATIONSHIPS"
I agree, this BS about being half a person until you find your other half is crazy talk! You're whole, or becoming whole, each and everyday! Enjoy that scared journey of self-discovery, awareness and acceptance!
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Old 07-14-2014, 05:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Katie88 View Post
Haennie you are super smart. Are you a psychologist? I have a MA in Counseling Psychology and can usually identify my own kind
LOL, not by formal education/degree, maybe by nature Psychology has been one of my number one interests since my teens and I took lots of classes for fun, but my official training was in different areas of biology and some math/statistics. In the past several years I've been doing research in psychiatry and lots of experimental psychology (studying behavior).

OK I totally understand how it works not wanting/being able to let go of someone you love. Probably all of us (adult humans) have been there at some point. I also get the complicated nature of unconventional sexual orientations - I am bi myself and my preference is dynamic, it has been shifting in time. I have always been 100% comfortable with all of this, but there is dynamic, depending on many factors. Maybe your friend is like that, too. In my experience, many (most) people with flexible gender interests tend to work this way. Interesting world.

Is your romantic interest in this person one-way, or she's also interested in you similarly, or was at some point, it's just that right now more focused on the boyfriend? Gosh, we can confuse the hell out of people, I know that If it's one way, if I were you, I would try to make every effort to let it go because otherwise it's just continued suffering. If it's just a current state... well, then what type of relationship do you want? Open and flexible, exploring - or stable 1:1, settled? If you can answer this, I think the rest is easier to figure out. Or is it that primarily you want this person and the conditions are secondary? That sort of thing can be tricky and taxing emotionally... I had quite a few of these in my life, very interested in a specific someone and willing to go very far with compromises and tolerance. Can be both a good thing and a bad thing.

Other that these, I agree with the others above me, that even if you are willing to compromise and "wait" for this friend of yours, maybe instead of dating others, explore other interests? Also, I would always suggest that you follow your heart and live your life and not the social norms and what your friends in your age group do or perhaps even expect you to do. Get to know yourself, set your own programming, explore life - these would be some things that I would recommend to an intelligent young person.

Btw, it's a good thing that you have deep feelings and allow yourself to experience them and be vulnerable. Better than the alternative. Just try not to get too stuck in the past and then all will be good
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Old 07-14-2014, 05:52 PM
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"Also, I would always suggest to everyone that you follow your heart and live your life and not the social norms and what your friends in your age group do or perhaps even expect you to do. Get to know yourself, set your own programming, explore life - these would be some things that I would recommend to an intelligent young person. "

Most excellent!
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Old 07-14-2014, 09:40 PM
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Thanks inthekey and haennie....I have made two new friends today
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Old 07-14-2014, 10:17 PM
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Hi Katie,
No offence taken or intended. As the willing victim of a serial predator in AA, my first few weeks were a very steep learing curve to say the least. A lot of painful drama ensued, but I learnt a lot including that I wasn't such an innocent victim, that I was there for all the wrong reasons myself. I made amends for that and was forgiven. The lady moved on to the next one, which did not have such a happy ending.

AA is very good at helping people get sober, and has a wonderful fellowship in which I have made many life long friends, and I will make many more. It is a wonderful thing to be united in a common purpose.

But I have found that unity around a common solution to our common problem does not always extend that well to relationships. There are exceptions of course, but a lot of us find out after a while that all we have in common is a disease, which isn't much of a basis for a relationship.

AA is a total package, recovery, unity, service. If you go for those reasons you will have so many friends you will be amazed.
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Old 07-15-2014, 02:28 PM
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Thanks Gottalife! I appreciate your comments and I am sorry to hear that you had that experience in AA. I am really not going to AA looking for a relationship. While I do think and feel that I eventually want to have a good relationship, AA is not the place for that. I would just be looking for peer support and to eventually help others when I could.

I am glad to hear you have made some great friends there.
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Old 07-15-2014, 06:31 PM
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Thanks Katie.
I have to say I am not at all sorry about that experience. While it may look a bit rough from the outside, it proved that if I was serious about sobriety and working the steps, I could stay sober no matter what else happened in my life. I am very happy to have learnt that.
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Old 07-16-2014, 07:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Gottalife View Post
Thanks Katie.
I have to say I am not at all sorry about that experience. While it may look a bit rough from the outside, it proved that if I was serious about sobriety and working the steps, I could stay sober no matter what else happened in my life. I am very happy to have learnt that.

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