desypete

i love that saying i have had to reinvent the wheel as thats exactly what i have had to do and still have to do at times : )

tomthern

I have been sober for 26 years. I say that because it took almost 22 years to figure out that I needed to figure myself out first. During my sobriety I had 2 long term relationships one for 12 years the other 8. Neither was right for me. The first was dry and many sorted other issues. The other I am still friends with and went through a rough time and still lives with me. We have a good friendship and that's what I needed. I have been single over 4 years and it's the first time I have been single this long in a very long time. I didn't drink over any of it. I think you need to figure yourself out before you add someone into the equation. Just my opinion.

Flippt

Katie, I know exactly how you feel, except I'm a 31 year old guy who has been single for 13 years. I too always think if I had someone I would have a reason to stop destroying my life. I feel like I have so much love to give, and yes I am extremely lonely. I fill that void with drugs and alcohol and its a continuous loop of self destruction and being stuck repeating the same thing over and over. I'm only on day 2 right now, and the thing I'm sick of repeating most is day 1. I do realize now that I have to love myself before I can be the person that someone I love deserves. A life with me while I'm using would be pure hell, I'm the first to admit that.

zjw

just read in a book this morning about how the israelites wondered in the wilderness for 40 years till they got to the promised land it was only an 11 day journey. I guess sometimes we just need to take the long way.

littlesister1

A relationship is the LAST thing you need

neferkamichael

Katie you seem to be able to clearly define problem areas in your life, so now start figuring out how to get what you want. I can say with 100% certainty that booze and dope is the real reason I have never been able to make a relationship work. Make you a plan and start workin on it, rootin for ya.

NoJimmy

There was a time I felt that somehow my picker was broken. I kept choosing women with the same issues over and over. It took me a while to admit that the problems I had drew women with the same problems to me over and over. It took addressing my own issues and lack of boundaries to break this pattern.

Just my opinion, but I think looking for a relationship to fill your life instead of filling your life via good friends, challenging career, important hobbies, etc is a recipe for disaster. If someone wants to be the center of your universe, they probably aren't whole themselves. I want my special gal to be the icing on my cake, not the foundation I am standing on.

For me, I need to know I'm the reason I do not drink. We all need loved ones to lean on in rough times, and I darn sure want someone I can count on when the chips are down. But my happiness and sobriety should not depend on anyone but me.

My final thought is that no relationship is infinitely better than being in a bad relationship. I was single (dumped) when I started my journey with sobriety. It took me a while to forgive the woman who decided not to stay when the chips were down. My path was far easier than if I would have stayed in a toxic relationship while trying to get healthy.
You are very young and you have plenty of time to learn how to be successful and happy.

angelwithoutgod

Hi, I just wanted to say that I feel your pain. I'm 29 and I'm not single at the moment, but I am divorced with no children. I see my friends on facebook having kids and going on family vacations and it makes me so depressed. When I see stuff like that, my heart sinks because I don't have what they have. It is so hard to see other people accomplishing milestones while you are left in the dust and just feel like an utter failure at life. Sometimes I think I should stay away from facebook because that's what causes these comparisons most of the time. Of course I will see families at the store and that will make me jealous too but you can't prevent that. All I can say is just try to ignore other people's timelines because you are on your own life's journey. Just because you are single doesn't make you any less of a person.

sj999

Permanently deleted Facebook a couple of months ago and haven't looked back - GREAT decision.

LBrain

sorry I didn't read through the thread. I just wanted to say that when I was single it was my excuse to drink. After I first got married I had way more excuses to drink. When I got married the second time, my excuses to drink went up exponentially.

I got married for the wrong reasons for sure (?). Or maybe it was just me.

angelwithoutgod

GOOD IDEA! I would do that but its like one of the only ways I communicate with my brother haha. Maybe I should just delete everyone besides the people I actually talk to.

sj999

Do ittttt. That's what I was doing for awhile (trick is, you need to make your profile unsearchable so everyone isn't constantly trying to refriend you). However at a certain point I was like "wait a second... I HATE this website. Why the F do I still have it?" And then waited the stupid 2-week waiting period to permanently delete. Aww yeahh.

Katie, how are you feeling about things today?

KAD

I guess maybe this is all about perspective and hindsight. At 29, I had never been married. I was lonely, too, and when I found someone, we were both lonely, moved too quickly, saw each other too frequently, felt pressured to get married because everyone said "it was time," etc. etc. etc. 14 years and 2 children later, we got divorced, she's remarried, and I'm single again. How many times have I said, "If I had it to do all over again..." ? The only part that gives me pause is my children. I would never have known them if I hadn't married her.

This is probably not gonna sound like what you wanna hear because at 29, when I was sick and tired of being alone, I didn't want to hear it either, but there are far worse things than being lonely. Finding yourself married to someone you really don't love and feeling like s/he never really even knew you is a much bigger pill to swallow.

Now that I am alone again (and just fresh out of another relationship that dragged on for nearly 5 years), I'm feeling better about staying sober and developing myself as a whole person who can make it on his own. Sure, it would be great to find that special someone but I honestly don't feel ready yet. My drinking has been an issue that keeps coming back and didn't go away in any of my relationships, so I think I need to develop a better relationship with myself before I branch out to something bigger.

That's just my 2 cents, if it's even worth that much to ya!

Gottalife

I have not a clue about how you should run your life and relationships, but I have learnt a little bit about booze problems. Booze problems could be roughly categorised into two types.

My problem(s) cause me to drink. Could be illness or pain, physical and emotional, and I "self medicate". If I can find a solution to the problem, drinking is no longer necessary.

My drinking causes my problems. I have lost control and alcohol has become a serious problem. When I drink I can't guarantee my behaviour, I end up saying and doind things that drive people away, I feel awful about the problems I cause but cant seem to stop drinking.

I was in that latter group. I had been totally incapable of forming any kind of realtionship for the last two years of my drinking, and when I sobered up, there was nothing and no one left.

I was 22 then, and one of my greatest desires was to have a relationship. This wasn't a genuine wish, it was driven by selfish instinctual behaviour. I was nowhere near ready to be in a relationship.

I knew that a relationship was not central to my recovery from alcoholism. There was a passage in the Big book of AA that helped me to understand this.

" Some of us have taken very hard knocks to learn this truth: Job or no job - wife or no wife - we simply do not stop drinking so long as we place dependence upon other people ahead of dependence on God."

While I worked on recovery, which for me was about getting this realtionship with a higher power, all other things came right in time. I went through the normal dating process and eventually married at the age of 30, We were happily married almost 20 years before she was taken from me by illness.

I guess the thing to do is honestly face whatever the problem is and get help with it. When you look in the mirror, who do you see? An alcoholic who needs help, or someone who needs some specialist help around relationships?

drunkfunk

I have the opposite problem - I can never manage to stay single and honestly I always loved the peace that came with being in complete control of my life. Luckily I have someone in my life now that loves her alone time just as much as I love mine.

Get sober, be honest with yourself and everyone you meet, and start DOING things. Buy a bike (cyclist chicks are so hot), hit the museum, volunteer somewhere, anything to get you out meeting people. Online dating is overrated IMHO.

BTW on here at 3:25am because I was thinking of having a drink. I'd rather be tired and sober at work than hungover by a longshot.

Take care.

drunkfunk

Being on the bottle makes you a loner. You cut out the people that you think would be ashamed to find out who you really are. When you get clean you realize that true reality is just a strong a drug as anything you're taking now, and you'll be in a position to share that beauty with someone else.

Patriciae

Katie, when my relationship with God is working, my relationship with everyone else improves also. I can't have a healthy relationship with anyone if my relationship with God and me aren't working *first*.

tomsteve

"I am a pretty, charming girl. Not sure why i am the only person around who doesn't have someone to love."

you livin in a remote village with a population of 3?

im 46. never married and today I am SINGLE!!!! WOOOHOOOO!!!
but I wasn't always happy about that.....until I learned to love myself.


"Not much is worse than really wanting a relationship, not having one, and being the third wheel!"
ooooohhhh, I think ill disagree with that there.
seems that waking up in jail after a blackout drunk only to find out the charges are vehicular manslaughter would be a wee bit worse.



"BUT i don't think not drinking will ever make me feel better about being the only single 29 year old I know. "
and I agree. when you love yourself, you will be ok with being single. but putting down the drink and doin nothing wont help ya love yerself or be ok with being single and I will guarantee that getting into a relationship because you don't want to be single will be very miserable.

this isn't meant to be cruel, but think about this: put on a different pair of shoes. say, the one you are in a relationship with. now, yer in his shoes.....would you want to be in a relationship with someone desperate to get into a relationship?

i believe it would be wise to focus on whats necessary to get and stay sober. that just may be working learning o love yourself, plus getting rid of the guilt and shame of your past and learning to love yourself. im sure theres a lot of good books on the subject ad personally the program of AA worked great for me to stop drinking, get rid of the guilt and same of my past, and help me start lovin me.

yer not a bad woman,katie, just sick. but theres a solution!!!

Katie88

Hi SJ. I have mixed feelings today. In light of writing about this on SR i came to the conclusion that part of the reason I've felt lonely is because i have been spending time with ONLY friends who are in serious relationships. Two of them are men who, before they had girlfriends, prioritized me and our friendship. Now that they both live with girlfriends my relationship with them have changed. I end up being the third wheel or feeling alone when they talk about "we're doing this" or "we're doing that." I realized that these relationships may be a huge contributing factor to why I've been feeling down about being single.

So I've put some boundaries up with these two and have decided not to hang out with them until I am in a better place emotionally. I know it sounds selfish to resent them for having girlfriends, and i don't think i can be a good friend if this is how i feel. Also, i need to make space in my life for people who can prioritize me...so have been looking into ways to involve myself in activities where i can meet new people. AA may be one of them. Thanks for asking SJ. How are you?

Katie88

This is probably not gonna sound like what you wanna hear because at 29, when I was sick and tired of being alone, I didn't want to hear it either, but there are far worse things than being lonely. Finding yourself married to someone you really don't love and feeling like s/he never really even knew you is a much bigger pill to swallow.

That's just my 2 cents, if it's even worth that much to ya! [/QUOTE]


That is EXACTLY what i need to hear; thank you so much! Sometimes loneliness feels like the worst thing ever, but i haven't experienced what you described above. Part of the reason I am alone is because i have turned down so many people who i didn't want during the past ten years instead of settling like some of my friends have.