Relapse and how to handle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Relapse and how to handle
Hi all, I'm usually on the friends and family board, but I think I may appreciate some advice from those who can relate to my husband's situation.
Highly functioning, he was a weekend warrior. Lives moved on from going out and partying, his did not and it became apparent that he had an issue around drinking. For years it was a struggle where we did the codependent dance. A daughter later and me in Al Anon, he has over the years tried different things but nothing ever sticks. He has now been sober 6 months, and after the last relapse he started to give AA another chance. He has a sponsor although he's not super-involved with him. He's had some breakthroughs where he's said he understands that booze and him don't agree, but struggles with the reality of being a non-drinker in a world that seemingly revolves around it.
This week, his mood changed. Wouldn't meet my eyes. Looking disgruntled. Admitted he wanted to drink Friday night. His parents are visiting. His dad is what we call a quiet alcoholic - never gets drunk, but has a glass or 3 every night. Dad is likely the trigger. Saturday night, he announces he's going to my BIL's house to smoke some pot which he has done occasionally when he's around drinkers. He ended up drinking. Then ordered a beer with dinner last night.
We talked about it today, and all the 'breakthroughs' seem gone. Basically he's back to blaming me - I don't listen enough, not loving enough, I pulled away and disconnected which led him down a bad path. I mentioned that with his program, could he maybe see it's the booze talking to him, but I see in his eyes that he is just desperate to go back to it and seeking approval.
I see him backsliding. He wouldn't call his sponsor. I told him that he gets to choose what to do with his life, but he seems bent on the fact that if he drinks I will leave, so feels that I am controlling this in his life and that his choice really is no choice at all. I have a young daughter of 6 and I told him what my boundaries are, no ultimatums, but this is how he 'currently' sees it. I know the alcohol is trying to get a grip and I'm not sure which way this will go.
Sorry if this is long. I know he has some program that makes this relapse bother him on some level, but his desperation to get out of the prison (since he doesn't have enough program) is pushing. Is there anything I can do to help him? Or simply remain fast with my program and let it play out? I'm not trying to be a codie here; but we have a relationship to manage and I see the train wreck ahead and want to know if/how I can help him through the crisis.
Highly functioning, he was a weekend warrior. Lives moved on from going out and partying, his did not and it became apparent that he had an issue around drinking. For years it was a struggle where we did the codependent dance. A daughter later and me in Al Anon, he has over the years tried different things but nothing ever sticks. He has now been sober 6 months, and after the last relapse he started to give AA another chance. He has a sponsor although he's not super-involved with him. He's had some breakthroughs where he's said he understands that booze and him don't agree, but struggles with the reality of being a non-drinker in a world that seemingly revolves around it.
This week, his mood changed. Wouldn't meet my eyes. Looking disgruntled. Admitted he wanted to drink Friday night. His parents are visiting. His dad is what we call a quiet alcoholic - never gets drunk, but has a glass or 3 every night. Dad is likely the trigger. Saturday night, he announces he's going to my BIL's house to smoke some pot which he has done occasionally when he's around drinkers. He ended up drinking. Then ordered a beer with dinner last night.
We talked about it today, and all the 'breakthroughs' seem gone. Basically he's back to blaming me - I don't listen enough, not loving enough, I pulled away and disconnected which led him down a bad path. I mentioned that with his program, could he maybe see it's the booze talking to him, but I see in his eyes that he is just desperate to go back to it and seeking approval.
I see him backsliding. He wouldn't call his sponsor. I told him that he gets to choose what to do with his life, but he seems bent on the fact that if he drinks I will leave, so feels that I am controlling this in his life and that his choice really is no choice at all. I have a young daughter of 6 and I told him what my boundaries are, no ultimatums, but this is how he 'currently' sees it. I know the alcohol is trying to get a grip and I'm not sure which way this will go.
Sorry if this is long. I know he has some program that makes this relapse bother him on some level, but his desperation to get out of the prison (since he doesn't have enough program) is pushing. Is there anything I can do to help him? Or simply remain fast with my program and let it play out? I'm not trying to be a codie here; but we have a relationship to manage and I see the train wreck ahead and want to know if/how I can help him through the crisis.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey silkspin, don't let an addict blame YOU for the consequences of his addiction!!
I used to blame other people, the sunny weather, my genetics etc etc, it all lead me to continuing on with my drinking and not taking responsibility for the real reasons I drank, it was me lifting the glass to my mouth and no one else, it was my problem that I needed to sort out, no one else was to blame!!
You need to live YOUR life, I think support is important, I personally have attended Al-anon and when I was younger Alateen, both were fantastic, don't put your life on hold looking in on someone else's addiction, he may change, he may not, just don't look back in many years to come with a regret that you put your life on hold waiting for someone else to change.
All you can do in the meantime is hint and comment on his addiction, but for me until I wanted to change myself, no one could have convinced me that I had a problem with alcohol!!
Be safe!!
I used to blame other people, the sunny weather, my genetics etc etc, it all lead me to continuing on with my drinking and not taking responsibility for the real reasons I drank, it was me lifting the glass to my mouth and no one else, it was my problem that I needed to sort out, no one else was to blame!!
You need to live YOUR life, I think support is important, I personally have attended Al-anon and when I was younger Alateen, both were fantastic, don't put your life on hold looking in on someone else's addiction, he may change, he may not, just don't look back in many years to come with a regret that you put your life on hold waiting for someone else to change.
All you can do in the meantime is hint and comment on his addiction, but for me until I wanted to change myself, no one could have convinced me that I had a problem with alcohol!!
Be safe!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Thanks Purpleknight. I have and lead my own life, and we've made strides with his realizations about drinking and come to a better place.
After a drink he is back pedaling, and I it's glaring to me, but he will believe what he wants. The stinking thinking is in full force. I know I can't change him, but wondering if there is a way I can best support him - of course I hope he falls on the side of not drinking but am always prepared for the other. Sucks because he was doing so well, and wondering if others have been able to pull themselves out of the funk.
After a drink he is back pedaling, and I it's glaring to me, but he will believe what he wants. The stinking thinking is in full force. I know I can't change him, but wondering if there is a way I can best support him - of course I hope he falls on the side of not drinking but am always prepared for the other. Sucks because he was doing so well, and wondering if others have been able to pull themselves out of the funk.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Your boundaries should have made it clear to him that he is welcome but that his affliction is not. There is no better way to support him than to hold your ground. I tended to take even the smallest hint of a compromise as a huge green light, and always abused them.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Take care of yourself. That is probably the best thing you can do. Do not engage in any lengthy conversations over this and get sucked in. He knows what he needs to do. It sounds to me like he is starting a full on relapse. His attitude about blaming you is most telling. I actually told my husband to run like hell if I start drinking again. I will do whatever I have to do to make sure that doesn't happen, but if it did I would hope he would save himself and our daughter.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Well it sounds like I'm doing it right - I didn't engage in a long discussion, suffice it to say that I told him that I understand he struggles and I will support him as I can but cannot and will not grant him permission to drink, and that the logic of his argument was all circular leading back to the drink. I told him that in the end, it's all in his power, and not in mine. He didn't like that, saying he feels he has to do all the changing and I do nothing. I stopped at that point, because there is nothing more to discuss - I can't convince him of anything.
My boundaries are not around a relapse per se; I get that it can happen and people fall down and get back up. It's happened before and we've ridden in out. My boundary is that I will not live in a home with active drinking, and if there is ever a situation of drinking alone with my daughter, he is out the door with no discussion.
You are right silentrun. He knows what he needs to do, and is having a hard time accepting it. I will keep faith that he will take the right path, and that's all I can do. I keep on my own road.
My boundaries are not around a relapse per se; I get that it can happen and people fall down and get back up. It's happened before and we've ridden in out. My boundary is that I will not live in a home with active drinking, and if there is ever a situation of drinking alone with my daughter, he is out the door with no discussion.
You are right silentrun. He knows what he needs to do, and is having a hard time accepting it. I will keep faith that he will take the right path, and that's all I can do. I keep on my own road.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
I agree with the above. Addictions want what they want and they don't care about anything else. His addiction is running rampant in his brain. He has the equivalent of a 2-year-old throwing a tantrum in his head right now. It is making it very difficult for him to think straight. If you budge an inch you will get more tantrums.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
well said Nonsensical. I can totally picture it! I hope he knocks the addiction where it belongs (and believe me it was hard not to knock him in the head to tell him to snap out of it - such a regression in his thought process - ugh!). It was hard to see him that way.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
I see the train wreck ahead and want to know if/how I can help him through the crisis.
Heck, who am I kidding, even though an addict in recovery can spot the lies of an addict right away it makes no difference, we still want to believe the ones we love when they lie.
Basically he's back to blaming me - I don't listen enough, not loving enough, I pulled away and disconnected which led him down a bad path.
I hope that you find some resolve. Take care of YOU!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Here, EH!!!
Posts: 1,337
Look at what triggered you?
It was a thought. You thought you would have fun this time, thought you blah blah blah blah, its our thoughts. How to handle it, is look at it square in the eyes, and do something about it. If you keep doing the same thing over again, expecting different results then that is insanity my friend.
It was a thought. You thought you would have fun this time, thought you blah blah blah blah, its our thoughts. How to handle it, is look at it square in the eyes, and do something about it. If you keep doing the same thing over again, expecting different results then that is insanity my friend.
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