Clementina

"They" say that getting and staying sober requires finding a new social circle of sober friends. Have any of you had to go through this process? It sounds absolutely horrible. I love the people in my life so much!

I also love myself, and I know that I can't really handle being around other people drinking.

Many of my friends already are sober, or moderate drinkers. But several of the closest people in my life drink almost as much as I used to, and one of them drinks even more. I don't know what to do with this.

Three of my best friends are drinkers and partiers. Our friendships are not confined at all to that context and I'm not worried about losing those friendships. I'm just trying to navigate how to continue being a part of each others' lives now that I'm sober.

What worries me most is my relationship. My partner, who lives with me, drinks a couple beers every afternoon/evening. He can't go a day without it. I asked him if we could spend a day together sober for my birthday present and it never happened.

When I'm blacked out, he has been known to pour my beers out behind my back, replace my alcohol with water, etc. He's been worried about my blackouts and binges. But since we drink together, the truth is that he also enables my drinking just by joining me--even if he has more control than I do.

When I'm not drinking, he's pretty respectful-- he doesn't keep my favorite beverages in the house, is relatively discreet about it, etc. But I can still smell it on his breath and I can still see the behavior change, and I don't like it. He has tried to encourage me to learn to drink in moderation. He thinks the fact that I've taken long breaks before means I've proven I don't have a problem. But I know I can't and I told him yesterday I'm quitting for good. He didn't really have much to say. I know he won't be quitting. He probably won't even be taking a break anytime soon. We both know he has a problem too, but we also both know he'll never change.

I guess I'm just trying to be honest with myself about what's at stake here. I love my partner so much, and I don't want to leave him. I wish he would be sober with me, or at least drink in more moderation or save it for weekends or something..... but there's no point in that kind of wishing.

I'm going to need to have a long conversation with him about my sobriety. I don't know if he realizes just how hard it is for me to be around him while I'm sober and he's not. I guess I'm going to have a hard decision to make.

ScottFromWI

I did have to part ways for the most part with my heaviest drinking buddies. All we had in common was drinking anyway, so there was really no point in continuing anyway. Its not easy, but you will make new friends.

Regarding your partner, certainly have that heart to heart conversation. Honestly if they cannot chose you over their drinking that probably says something right there.

Aellyce

Hi Clementina,

I've made pretty significant changes in my social life and relationships actually starting long before I finally got sober this January. It all started with the recognition of some of my recurring patterns of choosing people and relationships, but there has been a lot of work going into the gap between awareness and action related to this (still work in progress). One of the most major, and also most difficult, decisions and changes for me was cutting off a several-year-long relationship with another alcoholic and addict... and I was not able to do it all at once, had many relapses and false starts before I found a way to end it definitively.

My drinking in the worst phases was not a social one at all, I did it at home in isolation, and apart from that one person I mentioned above, never had really heavy drinking friends (except some in my partying years in my teens). So for me the focus is more in actually building a healthy social life now. I also just very recently ended an ~3 year-long relationship that I started actually in one of my worst drinking times. She isn't much of a drinker and is one of the nicest persons I've ever met - we just did not survive all the changes of preferences I've been going through during the first 5 months of my sobriety. No fights, no drama, just many realizations. It is sad, but I believe it's also good for both of us.

As far as I can see, for many of us successful sobriety comes with many changes in our social lives. Some people manage to quit while living with a drinker... not sure I would ever be able to do that, personally.

gardendiva

I'm a little confused - he drinks a couple of beers after work but you don't consider this moderate drinking?

Climber122

Hi Clementina,

This is a tough one that you'd have to decide for yourself, because only you fully understand the dynamics of your relationship. That said, as a rule many of us alcoholics need to change people, places and things that have been cues for us to drink in the past, especially in early recovery. We can grow into our new selves as we work a recovery program, but now is a time for you to be pretty selfish and guarded about it, for your own sake. When a significant other has no intention to support you in this decision, like Scott said that points out a real issue.

It doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, but you are simply at a different point in considering change than he is. You would be asking him to give up a very near and dear habit that he isn't ready to consider giving up. If he doesn't have a substance use problem then it would be easier for him to give it up to help support you, but then I can't know his mind either. Just remember that as users we tend to gravitate towards people who will let us use/drink. Once we drop the using/drinking from the equation a lot can change as others have said. Congratulations on your sobriety

desypete

this was not a problem for me when i finally gave up the drink as i had no friends left, they all got fed up with me and went there own ways.
the only people around me at that time were drug addicts and drunks in a hostel flat i was living in

i only wish i had of given up drinking years before i sunk so low but the fact is that i loved to party at the start and be around drinkers because i wanted to be just like them
but i wasnt like them at all as they could drink booze and leave it alone when had enough i couldnt do that as i craved the drink once it was inside of me

but i didnt know it at the time so i carried on and on and on

in the end like i said my friends soon had enough of me and my drunken sprees and who can blame theml

zanabanana

I too had to part ways from my friends. Even some of my family members (even though that's next to impossible.) My entire family are heavy drinkers, social drinkers, but every time we have a get together there will ALWAYS be alcohol involved. Even if it's a kid's birthday party, or a small get together at a picnic. It sucks. I have to literally withdrawal from my own family.

It's tough but it's a must if we want to stay sober, and love ourselves first.

PurpleKnight

Becoming Sober showed me who my true friends where, the people who just didn't get it and said things like "one won't hurt", "don't be so boring" or "go on have a beer" are now off my friends list, they weren't true friends in the end and weren't able to respect my decisions in life, and we're not talking football teams here, alcohol can be life or death, surely that is what friendship is about, friends should be happy at such a decision.

I don't mind people drinking around me though, so your partner wouldn't bother me, but I do draw the line at a lack of understanding of the path I've now chosen!!

Clementina

I guess I'm understating it because I'm coming from my own lens. By "a couple" I mean a minimum of 3-4 of those large-size bottles that are about two drinks in one. Some days it's more than that. He definitely does like to binge though, not every day, but often enough. Some days it's genuine moderation, some days it's a step or 3 beyond.

Anyway, thanks for all of your responses! You've given me a lot to think about. I would never try to change anyone or ask them to give up a habit. I've long since learned my lesson on that one. I just have to figure out if I can get sober and stay sober, and still live with someone who drinks. I have to admit the alcohol has also been a major culprit in some fights we've had.

Ughhhh, I hate that it's this serious over something as stupid as alcohol.

zjw

for me the friend issues kinda just worked out on there own. I lost a bunch gained a couple. I didtn really push for any of those changes they just kinda happened. I do wish I could get in with a more positive honest crowd locally but I'm not social and dunno where to begin to meet decent people.

FlyerFan

Some of them had to go, so that I wouldn't be held down. But I have made so many new friends in sobriety that I don't really mind. It is painful at first, but after your head starts to clear up you realize the true friends from the party friends.

matt4x4

Just find new friends that dont drink alcoholicly, its not about hiding away from the world and just having friends that dont drink at all. Its nice to have those friends for sure, but there are normal people out in the world that are not excluded from being your friend.

kittycat3

I can totally relate clementina. Friends that drink heavily I still care deeply about but I have had to maintain distance to protect myself, and it could also just be looked at as not having as much in common as we did when I was getting drunk too.
I'm not with my partner now, but I was in your shoes at one time - newly sober I asked him to support me by having some alcohol free nights at home. He agreed but we never did have one, I think primarily because he was becoming dependent himself. And his dependence did become a wedge, it was a way for him to tune out and he did that every day, drinking mostly nonstop every evening after woke until bed. It was so hard. You have to figure out what you will do if things don't change , because they may not.
Wish I had a simple fix but i don't. Hugs to you.

Gottalife

I was a bit like Desypete, no friends left when I stopped. But as i worked through the 9th step amends and was forgiven, some of my old friendships were healed and revived.

Not all of those people were boozy, but some were. My best buddy was a substantial drinker, and he wasn't very nice when he'd had a few. I just didn't spend time in his company when he was like that. We went boating and fishing together, had coffe after work, worked on home projects, and the occasional curry. But when he wanted to go boozing, he did that with his other friends, and I was happy to do my own thing. He was one person who never drank around me much, probably because he was aware of the way he drank.

Other friends and those I have made since can drink or not in my presence. They don't drink alcoholically, and I hardly notice they are drinking at all.

As someone else said, there were few people who i thought were my friends who really weren't, but i never had the need to ditch people I really liked.

NoJimmy

I didn't really get rid of too many, unless you count the ones I only saw at a few bars I frequented. I have not had any friends try to push me into drinking, they seem to respect what I'm doing. Actually had a couple ask me questions about how I quit and what life is like now. They are aware of their own problem. That's what led me to quit, I have two buddies that quit long before I did, they got me pointed in the right direction when the time was right for me.
I'm really fortunate to be dating a gal who does not have a drinking problem. My resolve is pretty strong, but I don't need booze in my house. And it would be tough to be with someone who was still struggling. We are super active and because alcohol isn't a priority with her, it isn't often I think about it.

Frankynstein

I'm also having a hard time maintaining my relationship between my family because in order for me to get sober I will have to change my environment. I asked them if they could do the same so it would be easier for me but they refuse. I made a decision not to join them every meetings I'm sure there will be drinking. Its hard but its for my own good. I cant stay forever living life while alcohol ruining myself.

I wish you a healthy life ahead.

Sarge1CD

I totally agree with you Purpleknight. I got rid of about 95% of my "friends" and yeah, it kinda sucked for a few months. Then my TRUE friends started popping back up. The ones who respected that I don't drink and understood that I had a bad problem with the stuff. When you are drinking, you think that you have tons of friends, but you really don't. All I can say is that it gets better with time. I know that is said a lot, but it is true. Stay Strong!

Croissant

Towards the end, I drank alone....it was where I could reach my unrestricted best buzz. Socialising felt like moderating to me, for the most part, in order to avoid potentially embarrassing situations.

That being said, I worked in a huge drinking culture, bar downstairs, across the road and on every street corner pretty much here in Sydney. I'd literally have to leave my work by the back entrances....because I was always open to at least starting my drinking at the bars downstairs under the "guise" of socialising. If that makes sense.

It will become clear which areas of your life need attention, which relationships are real, which are questionable.

After a nearly a year of being sober for the most part, my life is completely different and evolved over time. I moved house away from a party environment, socialised differently (I.e lunch and coffee catch ups, not drinks) and most recently, decided my work environment needed to change too. I wouldn't recommend all these changes, but I know it has improved my recovery attitude and approach immeasurably.

Sorry, I've probably digressed a bit...but just wanted to convey that changes are possible....but you don't have to decide what happens immediately.

Good luck!

GracieLou

Are you me? LOL This was me. I could not have written the words any better. I drank everyone of my friends away, even the hard core drinkers such as myself.

There were two people that were still in my life when I got sober. One I have completely removed. The other I still talk to now and then, maybe once a month. He is still my friend but I don't socialize with him.

Over the weekend I was missing some old friends of mine. We took trip to visit some of my boyfriends old friends and it really got me down a little. I wish I could go and visit my old friends but they drink and they smoke pot. I would never go to their place and ask them not to do this for my sake.

I did think about it for awhile. About contacting them, but I can't go back. They are in my past and I must leave them there. It hurts and I miss them but some doors are meant to close and I have no business trying to open them again.

inthekeyofg

Digression is good, Croissant and, for me at least, helps flush out ideas!
I was in the same boat; social drinking felt like a hindrance to me. When I think about it my "social" drinking was very moderate and I understand that there was a concern that people would make judgements based on my consumption. I'd go out for dinner and barely drink. Behind closed doors was another story! So, when and if I did go out with my "friends", it was those who were there to get annihilated. These aren't really friends... Nor are those folks who say "oh, just one won't hurt"...
Losing alcohol, or giving it up, was like losing a supposed friend. It is hard to put this into words, really. When you're lonely, it's there. When you're tired and want to relax, it's there. When you're getting over a breakup or trying to nip the nerves prior to heading out on a first date, it's there. (I could go on-and-on... I think you get the idea). When you finally say "hey, this 'relationship' is unhealthy and i think it's time we went our separate ways.' it almost hurts. How do you stand alone in the aforementioned situations without your dear friend? Though, and I am sure everyone here agrees, the moment you end that "friendship" and put a stop to such an emotionally and psychologically destructive relationship, you feel better -- bit by bit, day by day you feel stronger, healthier, etc.! The same goes for certain people; some are unhealthy and, though at one point you might have needed them for whatever reason, you may not anymore.