An open letter to alcohol
 

Hi all -

Been awhile since I've posted on the forums. I started seeing an incredible therapist (mainly began for depression, working on many other issues, but he happens to specialize in addiction treatment as well). I also drank again in early June and had several occasions of moderate drinking, but within just a couple of weeks found my drinking escalating a bit and then 3 weeks in drank so much one night that I wound up in the ER the next day to get fluids/nausea meds via IV because I was so sick that I couldn't keep anything down on my own for hours and hours (which was a pattern of mine/common occurrence in my past). So after speaking with him at my next session after that, he made it pretty clear that I can't drink safely and this is definitely the end. I think when I quit in January I was of the mindset that I might make an attempt to moderately drink in a year or so under the supervision of a therapist, and I'm actually a little bit glad I tried that sooner rather than later because I was able to get a lot of clarity going through this experience and talking about it with my therapist. Anyway, in the interest of closure, I wrote a goodbye letter to alcohol tonight that I would like to share here. (And currently 6 days sober again - had hit 148 before I drank again in early June.)


Dear Alcohol,

I know this last year has been rocky, and we haven’t been as close as we were in the past, but I think that’s because you and I both knew our relationship was slowly coming to a close. I met you shortly after my 18th birthday and now, a decade later as I approach my 28th, it seems a fitting time to say goodbye.

I tried to leave you in January, but I think I knew it wouldn’t be for good just yet. Were it not for you, I would never have been as close to many of my friends from college and beyond. We wouldn’t have shared so many adventures, nor been as vulnerable with one another. It likely would’ve taken me far longer to ever kiss, hook up with, or have sex with anyone. You fueled what little relationship experience I’ve had. You made me popular (albeit not with the right people) and bridged the gulf I felt between myself and others. You let me relax, removed my anxiety and inhibitions, and gave me permission to do nothing for days at a time because I didn’t think that was allowed unless it was to recover from something. You dissolved my shyness, made me extroverted, loud, bubbly - someone I wanted to be, but simply wasn’t without you.

But now I want to be me. And frankly, I’m not entirely sure what that means and it’s frightening. You were a great comfort at times, and I will miss that. I will miss you when I’m around others imbibing, and I watch them go on a journey together that I can no longer join. But I won’t miss acting like someone I’m not, losing stretches of precious time to blackouts and hangovers, the ER visits, or vomiting until I’ve expelled all of the bile in my stomach just to dry heave for hours until I’m able to keep down a single drop of fluid. I won’t miss knowing that I’ve compromised my ability to reach my full potential or behaved in ways that I’m ashamed of. I won’t miss binging again because of you when I’ve resolved to stop for the hundredth time. I won’t miss losing beautiful days, rainy days, or any days at all. You are one of many forces that have prevented me from being present, and I can’t willingly allow those in my life anymore.

Most of all, I won’t miss the depression.

It took me a long time to figure it out, and for some reason even once I did I stayed loyal to you for several more years. You have the incredible power to singlehandedly bring me back to the most frightening place I’ve ever been. I’ve gone there plenty of times without your help, but you have been such an insidious accomplice to the cruelest disease I can imagine. Overnight you’ve pulled me from places of relative happiness to ones where I question whether I even want to be alive, and while you may or may not have been able to kill me on your own, I suspect you could’ve eventually tricked me into doing the job for you. And for that, **** you.

Sometimes I wish I’d never met you. But suffering breeds compassion, and I do believe I’m now able to understand a subset of people I might not have otherwise. So although I never want you in my life again, I am grateful for what you’ve taught me. I doubt this was your intention, but indirectly you’ve made me more understanding, more forgiving, and given me the potential to be a far better clinician than I might have been otherwise. And so it is with very mixed feelings, but very strong conviction, that I part ways with you for good.

Goodbye,
XXXXXXX

Now that is powerful.
Thanks for posting this.
It's given me the idea to write a break-up letter to booze too.
Ours has been on-off too long and wasn't really going anywhere good anyway.

Wow, sj. Really incredible stuff. I admire your strength and think this eloquent letter is one of the best "Dear John" letters ever!

" You are one of many forces that have prevented me from being present, and I can’t willingly allow those in my life anymore. " This truly resonates with me and is so similar to the way in which alcohol negatively effected my life.

Bravo!

My break up letter would be a bit more harsh.

Alcohol, you were never my friend. I was your friend. You always wanted me dead but not before you robbed me of 30 years of my life, destroyed my relationship with my children, ruined my career, wrecked my marriage and for the last 4 years plunged me into a hell that is beyond words which ended when you almost killed me.

No, alcohol you are not my friend you never were. I was just foolish enough to believe your lies

Welcome back and glad you've made the choice to finally quit for good. I think you will find in time that most of the things you "thanked" alcohol for in the first part of your letter are still possible without it, in addition to losing the bad things.

Great post!! :You_Rock_

Thanks very much all. Had a fantastic sober weekend as well, filled with friends and the beach. I think my earlier stint left me with a much better sense of the people I need to surround myself with. Hoping to sleep well tonight and get in a workout early tomorrow. :)

Hi sj999, wow that has to be one of the most heart wrenching incredibly worded posts I've ever read. I'm literally in tears. I always called alcohol my BFF so I can relate to almost every word you said. You sound very strong. My thoughts are with you as we go on this journey to sobriety. I'm rooting for you. Best wishes!

awesome writing. thanx for that.

While you were frank and forthright, your accolades directed towards alcohol worried me a bit. The "good times" were well and truly erased by the bad!
Hopefully you will work on obtaining some inner peace that is free from the pseudo pleasures that this dangerous drug lethally provides.

Sj999 I think your thoughtful Declaration of Independence is the perfect beginning to your new life. Well done!

Nice post!

Bubovski, I can absolutely see your point. But this wouldn't have been an honest farewell had I overlooked the things alcohol did provide for me. I now understand that none of them were worth the consequences, but people stay in abusive relationships for reasons and acknowledging that there is some actual loss there, no matter how messed up it is, for me at least helps provide closure. Had I not acknowledged those losses, I think my brain might drive me back into denial because I wouldn't be able to believe my own words. I hope that makes sense.

I also think had I let things progress further over time, my feelings toward alcohol might be more hostile. I feel lucky to have in many ways nipped things in the bud. Thanks very much for your feedback - it is definitely thought-provoking.