Wendolene

I've had enough. I cannot do this any more, when I feel like I am so alone.

My partner is threatening to leave me by the end of the year, if I haven't sorted out my OCD. I know it cannot be easy living with someone who has mental health issues (depression, severe anxiety and OCD), but I feel sobriety would be enough of a battle without these additional problems, let alone with them. I've tried counselling, CBT, everything, but when I try and put things into practice, my anxiety becomes unbearable and overwhelms me. He is wanting to leave me despite the fact that I have now not picked up a drink since January, and I've been trying my absolute hardest to make sure it stays that way. It's like however much effort I put in, it is never enough. It's almost as if it's additional pressure, knowing I have a 'deadline'. I lost my temper with him, and told him he may as well go now, rather than me just spend another 6 months of anguish to no avail. He also knows that he can keep the house and throw me out, as I wouldn't be able to afford to pay the rent by myself. He's using my financial situation to his advantage.

I have no friends who live anything closer than an hour away, and everytime I go to AA, I feel as if people never talk to me and it is very 'cliquey', as people have been going a lot longer than me. It is also hard when you are often one of the youngest there by a couple of decades. I try and talk to people, but my social anxiety makes it very hard to just walk in on a group who are chatting during the break or before the meeting starts.

On top of this, my mother is looking thinner and thinner every time I see her, and I worry that she won't be around for much longer. She refuses to go to the doctor, despite me repeatedly suggesting that she should. She is an alcoholic herself, but refuses to do anything about it. Now, I know there is nothing I can do about it and it is ultimately her choice, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about her. She is like a best friend to me, and I cannot bear to lose her. She fell over and bruised her face the other week, and when she came to visit, she was very cagey about how it had happened. It was my father who told me.

I just constantly feel like crying. I don't want to be here any more. If I don't, what is the point in me staying sober? I think I am only doing it for others. I know it would finish my mother off if something happened to me.

SnoozyQ

Sweetie I'm so sorry you feel this way . Explain to your Mum that it is really upsetting you seeing her get thinner.

Ask her if she wont go to the doc for her , can she at least please do it for you . The mother trigger many hopefully kick in xxxx

RecklessEric

Hi Wenolene.
Sounds like you are going through a really bad time.
Have you seen a doctor about your depression/anxiety?
Also, it sounds like your partner might benefit from some education about your issues, like OCD.
People here have/had all the issues you mention, so you'll get good support here.

Tamerua

Have you shared this in a meeting? Here is something I've noticed about AA, those who ask for help or who talk about what is going on, get help and support. Those who are the strong silent types ( like me) feel a little bit of alienation. I'm trying though... Share it.

I know you said that you're trying various things for your OCD, do you need to try a different doc maybe?

My sister is similar, every time I see her she is thinner, she may or may not have a pain pill problem. All I (and you) can do is be there and be a good example of sobriety. Worry about you now.

biminiblue

I think "worry about you" is the key phrase here.

If you've been to AA you've heard the Serenity Prayer. It would work for all those issues you're discussing - peace of mind is the goal. Serenity.

Meditation was really helpful to me to slow down my anxiety and obsessive thinking. Here is a very simple meditation explanation. The breathing and relaxation is very healing
Zazen Meditation

I was never more miserable than when I was worrying about everyone else and what they were doing/thinking. Spinning thoughts are awful.

Boleo

If you think you are going to teach us something about ZaZen Meditaion - DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

ScottFromWI

The point in staying sober is that every problem you have mentioned above will get worse if you go back to drinking. That unfortunately is a 100% guarantee. Alcohol is not a solution to your problems..it IS the problem.

Perhaps you could step back for a bit and not try to tackle everything at once. Your mother is an individual that will make her own decisions for example...you can suggest and recommend help for her, but ultimately you cannot control her life. You need to take care of yourself before you can help others

Leshar

Dear Wendolene,

I'm so sorry you feel so awful. I hear you.
I don't have anything solid to offer you, other than please don't drink.
Tomorrow is another day. One breath to the next.
Thinking of you.

zjw

I dunno not drinking for 6 months is a pretty big deal. I think your trying to soak up too many problems at once. I dunno that you can expect your partner to fully understand your struggle sometimes you have to try and understand that they dont understand. You might have a lot of various anxiety struggles licked by the 1 year mark or have them at more manageable levels etc.. But at the same time You cant run on there deadline you cant really put a deadline date on recovery. Whatever will be will be just focus on not drinking and getting yourself healthy. dont try and fix everything till you have yourself fixed take it one bite at a time.

6 months in i still had my fair share of issues dont be so hard on yoruself you've made really good progress so far from the sounds of it.

LaVallette

I see what you did there...

Wendolene, I echo what the others said, worry about yourself first. First rule of casualty management; don't become a casualty yourself because then you're no help to anyone.