Fisherak

I'm two years into sobriety, and yet, the desire to drink and constant dwelling on alcoholic memories are daily constants for me. There is no question that I am happy to be sober. I can easily recognize the incredible positive changes that have happened in my life the last two years. I'm grateful for my recovery-in-progress every day. I have a strong network of friends in recovery and a sponsor I'm close to. Life is busy, and mostly good. Which is amazing. But in many ways my brain still wants to live back there. If I'm not exercising exhausting hyper vigilance over my sobriety, I'm kicking around old shame. Am I doing the steps wrong? I want to live fully in my sober life, and not be singularly defined - in my own mind at least - by my alcoholism. What am I missing? Or are my expectations of sobriety wrong?

RecklessEric

I compare my sober life to my drinking life.
Sober life wins each time.
That said, I do have fond memories of good times while drinking. But like good childhood memories, I cannot live them again.
As for the steps, I don't know. They weren't for me.
They work for lots of people though.

Boleo

Recovering is thinking about not-drinking.
Recovered is not thinking about drinking.

If you want to be recovered, you have to surrender your expectations.

"All expectations are seeds for resentment."
(Chuang Tzu)

IOAA2

Hi. Come to find out few of us come from a single mold and that’s what makes sobriety so interesting. We can identify with each other in many ways then we seem to block out the pain we went through to get to where we are. Because some are sicker than others I’ve gone to many thousands of meetings and often marvel how it works. Fine they say. IF we work it. Over the years I heard many things at meetings and continued with my life and suddenly, a couple times a week in the beginning, would suddenly have a flash of “that’s what they mean!”
I continue to go for my “memory refresh” and see what happens to those who stop going.

BE WELL

Sudz No More

It sounds like you are doing too much to be sober? For me, stepping away from being too involved in anything alcohol related was the key. I found that too much emphasis even on recovery kept my mind primed for the idea of imbibing. I try to find a balance, I know that most of us need some kind of daily reminder to help keep us on the right path. It's why I come here every day if even only for a few minutes and browse the current threads.

But to attend a daily meeting or two, or attend recovering parties or other gatherings where it's all revolving around "I used to drink and now I don't" keeps my brain in the wrong spot. I went to a counselor for almost a year but about 8 months in I started to feel this way, that talking about it in depth too much was starting to be detrimental to my recovery. So, I stopped going and have only looked forward and I continue to improve and think about drinking less and less.

Like I told the counselor at my last meeting, I don't want to spend the rest of my life thinking about drinking. Talking about it too much kept my mind in a semi-alcoholic state. It's a place I'd rather not be so I chose not to. Now I just live my life like I never was an alcoholic and just pop in here once or twice a day like wearing a pledge pin and don't want to besmirch it's honor.

I'm proud to be sober and wear it with pride, that's enough for me.

Eddiebuckle

If you are not drinking it would be a disservice to say you are doing the steps "wrong." However, vascillating between hyper vigilance and shame sounds like you are still running the show and have not let go of the past. Sometimes we need more than just AA - have you ever considered working with a therapist? I did for the first 18 months of sobriety, and it really helped. It complemented the work I was doing in AA, it sounds like you might benefit from broadening your recovery program. Sobriety isn't easy, but it shouldn't be exhausting either, especially two years down the road.

biminiblue

Yeah, I think CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) would be very useful for you to quiet your thoughts. You can Google the technique, you don't even need a therapist for it to work.

Meditation also helps me tremendously for recognizing how my brain accesses thoughts.

The Steps are not the be-all and end-all. I agree that too much time spent thinking about it can be detrimental.

The shame has to be worked through. I can't unring that bell. Nothing I can do about the past, I cannot change it. I make amends where possible and be willing to make amends to all if it comes up. All I can do is move forward and make my past experience an example of what I don't want to do again. The memories will find their place in your story - you're okay. The Serenity Prayer works great when the past comes up for me. "...accept the things I cannot change."

Then I try to be in This Moment.

Blessings.

soberclover

I am about 19 months sober....I, too, enjoy my sober life. I do at times think about drinking and my past. I think we all do recovery different. For me, I think I'm still early enough in my sobriety that I do need to stay vigilant in my recovery efforts...some days are a struggle others not. My active using was many years; I suspect my recovery will take many years before it is solid. SR is a great resource as there is so information as well as perspectives.

desypete

sounds to me exactly how my recovery was going after a few years
there was something missing

it was simple i got pushed into doing service work in aa and from there i started to feel really useful
my way of life changed i stopped going to aa meetings for my say or my moan or to show off how much knowledge i had
i started to go to aa meetings to help others new comers top of the list.

the daft thing is its right there under my nose if they read the chapter on step 12 and its the most important step there is as they devoted a whole chapter on that one step, yet i wasnt doing anything like i should be doing when it came to step 12

i had no mother group, i wasnt doing anything at all to help the aa fellowship other than turning up at meetings drinking there tea and putting my donation into a pot and telling them how wonder i am etc

from helping others i have found a key to my selfishness and when i started to practice it at aa meetings i then learned how to do it in the big outside world

it works but i have to work it and put that effort in when my head tells me i would rather stay in tonight and sit on a pc or i would rather do something that i want to do rather than something i dont want to do

the times i can remember when i was doing the prison meetings i had to jump a train took me over and hour and half to get to the stop for the prison and then i had to walk another 45 mins to get to the prison
i had no car and money was tight but i put that effort in for over 2 years and to see others come out of prison and into an aa room and start a new way of life made me feel so good inside of me as a person. but my head would be telling me not to do it at first as i felt i didnt know enough, or others long around than me would be better at it, but no i took up the job and worked at it i found i gained experience all the time and i still do

that empty feeling is gone as i keep on doing what i should be doing and the more i do it now the better i feel about me

Fisherak

There is a lot of great advice here. I do think going back to a therapist would be helpful, as well as doing more service work and less dwelling on my own drinking. Thank you for your thoughtful replies.

LadyBlue0527

Have you completely accepted that you can't drink? I know in prior attempts at quitting as long and I didn't fully believe I was done with it my mind would always entertain the thought. It wasn't until I fully accepted that I can't drink and that I don't drink that the obsessive thoughts went away.

neferkamichael

Fisherak, 2 years sober is FANTASTIC, congratulations. If you have figured out how to reroute your alcoholic brain to fit your sober life, please posted it because I would like to know myself. Rootin for ya.

FeenixxRising

Fisherak, well done on 2 years. Based on what you've written, I had the sense that you really haven't quit for good and without reservations. I don't do AA, but I've found a few pearls of wisdom in the BB, especially Chapter 3. From your post it's clear you understand intellectually that you can't drink, but have you really admitted to your innermost self that you can no longer drink? Have you accepted deep down to your core that alcohol is no longer an option?

If not, then it's my opinion that the rest of your work will not be as effective as it should be.

Cow

Hello. May I ask what you meaning by "alcoholic memories?" Was alcoholism mostly good time for you? Or is you mean you still has physiological desires to drink?

matt4x4

Sounds to me like you best get to finishing the rest of the steps.