sjg3

I can't stop drinking and I have so much going on, I feel like I just can't cope! I need to be supporting my mum through a trial at court which I also have to attend as a witness and complainant... I have to be supporting my boyfriend as his mum has just being diagnosed with cancer. I have to be supporting myself! Staying positive for my 7 year old sister, I just can't cope!
I can't stop drinking and I want to die! I don't think I would actually kill myself but I think about it a lot, how much easier it would be to just not be around for everything going on. I literally have nothing positive in my life at the minute.
I'm physically poorly at the minute which is probably down to stress and anxiety but I have emetophobia (sickness phobia) which is terrible and I KNOW if I happen to throw up I would throw myself in front of a train tonight.
I live just near a train platform, but then I think of leaving my boyfriend to cope with his mums illness alone and my mum doing the trial alone being a single parent to my sister and a dead daughter (me) and I haut can't do it!
I'm on medication but the doctors won't increase my dose due to my drinking, nobody will offer me counselling because I have so many various mental health issues going on they want to deal with one at a time but I need them all dealing with at once! Counselling isn't going to take away everything I'm going through!
I'm an outpatient at an addiction unit but only had a few appointments so far, they said they would call to sort out my next one weeks ago and never did, I've tried chasing it up twice this week and still heard nothingness
Nobody wants to help me so why am I alive?!
I have to help everybody and I'm doing my best but I can't cope!
So I'm just drinking and hoping I won't be sick. IM so scared.

PurpleKnight

Hey sfg3 if you're feeling suicidal then talking to someone may be the best way forward, the Samaritans in the Uk are on 08457 90 90 90!!

I'm really sorry your having to deal with so much, there seems to be just too much happening to cope with at the moment, SR is here for you though you may need more support to get through this!!

sjg3

Thankyou 'purpleknight'. I have tried the Samaritans before in the past but didn't find them helpful, I just expect everyone to automatically know what I'm going through and give me perfect advice even though I know rationally it doesn't work like that haha.
Thank you so much for your reply though it means a lot that a complete stranger would even take the time to read my rant!

Ghostlight1

We want to help you. I've been suicidal, because of mental issues, too. Once I stopped drinking those thoughts went away.
I feel so bad for you. I can sense the desperation in your post. Believe me, drinking won't make anything better.
We're all here for you. You're not alone.
Sending you my best wishes.

Nuudawn

(((oh sweetie))). You are in your own very personal "911" right now. It is clear to me...screamingly clear..that you are not able to support anyone right now other than yourself. You are in CODE RED darling. Quite simply, you are emotionally out-resourced and the alcohol coping mechanism is so incredibly toxic. I would imagine any med's you are on are basically rendered useless by the addition of alcohol.

Abstaining from alcohol is a personal boundary (boundaries are often what we alcoholics/addicts are sadly lacking). Boundaries serve to protect us. What is needed here is an act of self love...self nurturing...and unfortunately you are the only one here to be your own hero and protector. I realize that, in error, we use alcohol as self nurturing and boundary mechanism. It is NOT one. We are essentially throwing ourselves to the wolves and abandoning ourselves when we are who we need most!

Your post has struck me so very deeply...and I wish there was something I could do. Something I could say to let you know that you are the love you need most right now. It is such an oxymoron that we need to protect ourselves from our own selves (e.g. the destruction of the alcoholic remedy or the feeling that we need to be there for others when we have nothing left and are drained to the point of suicide).

Oh sweetie... my heart goes out to you. Please do not give up. Please put down the drink as the first act to save yourself. Everytime I have ever wanted to end it all (and I have on numerous occasions)..I have been DRINKING...or simply catching a couple sober breaths between the next drowning...

Protect yourself. Save yourself. Allow sobriety to be the thing that saves you..that you protect above all else because in doing so you are protect yourself actually.

I so hope some of my words resonate with you.

sjg3

Thank you all so much for your comments you don't know how much it really means to me and how grateful I am. I just want to be normal with a normal life, having all these problems with myself and then everyone else's on top and walking around with a fake smile and being positive to them when all I wanna do is sit in bed with a box of wine and cry is such a bore! It's dragging me down even more but I obviously can't just ditch these people close to me to deal with it alone. I've had around a bottle and a half of wine today, I want to just put the other half away (or even better pour it down the sink)! But then I don't know what to do with myself without it! With a glass of wine in hand I know it's not helping anything, in fact making it worse, but I can put music on with my mum and little sister and feel confident enough to dance around and make my sister laugh, but without it I'm just sat doing nothing THINKING! Thinking is never good!
My grandad was also taken into hospital this week and once he was out had another funny do and ended up in a car crash, so everything is just happening at once!
The trial I'm attending isn't until November so I have another 4 months of anxiety about that AND to make it worse I'm testifying against my own dad so it's gonna be really hard!
I just don't know what to do with myself EXCEPT drink!

Gilmer

Can you take walks and watch a lot of mindless TV? Surf on here at the crucial tempting hours--read all over and post. We are here to listen to rants and help. We're a great support system!

matt4x4

Seems to me like a bandaid fix to a major life threatening problem in need of some doctors stitches
But if it works for you it works, great.
I tried all those suggestions, from a government Masters PHD in addiction, I lost that bet, thanks PHD guy. I guess the only real thing is if you truelly did your best, and it failed. Time to move on to another solution. The key word is Truelly tried your best.

Nuudawn

Honey....you need to park yourself in today. The trial is in November. No amount of fretting and anticipation will serve that outcome any better. There is absolutely NOTHING you can do today about a day 4 months down the road. Oh right...there is...you can quit drinking and focus on your own good self.
Living life with a future mind set creates anxiety.
Living life with eyes on the past creates depression.
You are not responsible for ANYONE other than yourself.

Are you familiar with the analogy of putting your own oxygen mask on first before attending to others? Do you seriously want your sister to be entertained by drunken foolery? Really? When I look back at the drunken foolery I engaged in with children (thinking I was being oh so fun)...it shames me. Children know when you are drinking..innately.

Please do not thinking false and fraudulent engagement with your sister is a good reason to drink. It isn't. You are a mentor for your wee sis. I had an older sister..13 years my Senior. I spent ALOT of time with her when she was drinking.

I am not blaming my sister..but here I am in recovery.

sjg3

I can 100% see what you're saying. But I just want to put it out there I never drink in front of my sister unless like at a family thing where everyone else is also drinking. The wine is with me in my room, I drink in my room and she just thinks I'm reading or watching tv or whatever then when I go down I'll play games with her or dance or whatever. She never sees me with a glass of wine in hand or as some drunken mess! But yes I totally agree! I hate it! I don't want to be drinking at all but I just have no idea how else to cheer myself up! I have no hobbies, I wouldn't even know where to start FINDING a hobby! I'm not a very confident person to go out and try groups etc and the majority of my friends live far away due to uni/work now so I'm basically alone with my thoughts 24/7! I haven't topped up my glass since I posted this, so I have still only had a bottle and a half of wine, and I'm NOT going to top up tonight again. Now it's just when morning comes and I wake up and nothing has changed. My mum and sister are going away for the weekend so I will be home even more alone (I can't tag along as we have dogs I have to stay with). Why is alcohol soooo horrible!!

Mountainmanbob

I have seen some in even worse condition
study the AA Big Book and the Bible
attend church and AA meetings
and be healed

not perfection
but direction

MM

Hereandnow2

Please find a aa meeting. You will get everything there that you need. Please trust me I've been where you are. My sisters in a abusive relationship, have to testify in court for work, my house just got ransacked this week, lots if stuff stolen. U have two boys to care for and could not imagine going more than a couple days without drinking, ESP wine. Everything came to a head like you. I went to a meeting started reading the big book found this site, got a sponsor and now I am coping better than ever without alcohol! Only 32 days but never thought I could do it and so can you!!

RecklessEric

Sjg3
I really feel for you.
Very clearly put, you need to save yourself. Drink is not helping, I promise. People have mentioned AA, the Big Book, the bible. These are just suggestions. I ask you to take a quiet minute and think about what can help you.
If it's AA, god, therapy. Whatever. I'm not mad about AA, but I do think it's a safe place for you to be while you figure things out.
Keep in touch and maybe check out the chatroom. I always get good advice there.

Frankynstein

Be strong girl and please stop drinking now it will just make you depress and think for more negative thoughts. I'm sure there are things that you enjoy to do. Dont lose hope.