Harford

I have a great marriage. Never had issues, and we never fight. But, with this stopping drinking thing, my wife doesn't understand. Last night I was just laying on the bed trying to fight off a craving. She said " just don't drink, and do something else." I was even crying but she couldn't understand. She says that she is supporting me, but she is finding it hard to believe that I just can't say no to wine and move on with my life. I assume this is because she can have a glass or 2 and stop with no problem.

How do you explain to a non addict how it feels to stop drinking?

MIRecovery

Have her read the AA big book. She still won't understand but she will become more educated about your battle

Woodeye

This. As the husband of a RAW, I too could not understand why she couldn't just stop. It's easy for me, so it must be for her too!

It wasn't until she checked herself into rehab that I really began to educate myself on this disease and gain an understanding. I read the Big Book and any thing else I can get my hands on to educate myself.

It is hard to grasp why alcoholics are the way they are, but it can be done through meaningful education.

GracieLou

I don’t think they can understand. My mother compared AA to weight watchers!

Wouldn’t that be cool? AA points. Every drink could have a point system and when we reach the allotted points for the day we can’t drink anymore! YEAH that would work well..lol

I think reading the BB is a great suggestion but in the end it does not matter if she understands, only that you do.

Maybe you can suggest Al-anon or at least some Al-anon books. It might help if she can get some knowledge about alcoholism.

ScottFromWI

It's very difficult, if not impossible to explain addiction to a non-addict. I think it's mostly because addiction doesn't make any sense - what normal thinking person would continue to destroy their body willingly? I didn't really even undestand it myself and found that trying to figure out "why" was noy something even I will likely ever understand. I simply had to accept on faith that I AM and addict and that I cannot drink normally, ever.

If you attend AA/NA meetings bringing her along to an open meeting might help, or having her read the big book as others have suggested. But there is no sure-fire way to explain it, and she may also simply need to accept it.

doggonecarl

Let's say that you could. What would that mean to your recovery? What change in her support do you expect, should she suddenly "get it"?

methodman1019

No offense, but she might be right. If you're lying there all wound up and in tears trying to fight a craving, maybe it's time to get up and try to take your mind off things. You're never going to help someone understand what it's like to be addicted. If you were like me, it was pretty darn obvious that I had a real problem on my hands. While my wife still doesn't fully understand, she does see (through my actions) just how wonderful it is that I've stopped drinking. If your fighting a craving, go out for a walk. Why not invite her along and chat about just how hard this is for you and what she might expect as you struggle to get/remain sober. Take some type of action instead of the white knuckle approach. For me, I had to start to get up and do something, anything, to get going in the right direction. You're wife doesn't need to "get it" to see the positive changes that you can make while getting sober.

All the best,
Methodman

mfanch

Even worse, if she can't understand your alcoholism, how will EVER understand that she is sick, too? It is a family ailment and everyone is affected.

In my house it was a very long and slow process. I made progress day by day and couldn't worry about my SO. He was going to come along in the journey or he wasn't.

Harford

Good points everyone.
I think what bothers me is that here I am on day 4. It's tough, but I am making it. Tonight is a big fireworks display and party and the club. I'm really not up to having all that temptation literally shoved in my face, and answering questions about why I'm not drinking. Plus being social doesn't sound fun right now. So my wife seems a little ticked off that I don't want to go...

doggonecarl

I can see why you'd apprecate it if she understood...that she wouldn't pressure you to go out.

Pressure or not, I'd beg off going. For the first couple of months that I quit, I couldn't do anything social that revolved around alcohol. And I frankly didn't care who I disappointed by making my sobriety the priority.

But if you end up going, be strong. Keep a non-alcoholic drink in your hand, and if people ask why you aren't drinking, just say you're taking a break.

aborkie

She has a point. Your body just wants the sugar and carbs from the wine. When you're having a bad craving you need to eat. This will pass in due time.

MIRecovery

That is really funny. Instead of a weigh in we could could have a breathalizer to see if we're met out goal of drunkenness

methodman1019

If going will cause you a whole bunch of discomfort, certainly sounds like it will, then don't go. I would never of put myself in that position at 4 days. You need to protect your sobriety. If this means your wife and friends get a bit ticked, then so be it. You can't change how they feel about it. Standing up and making a decision to protect your sobriety will show people just how much it means to you. More important? You standing up and fighting it (addiction) will strengthen your resolve.

Obviously, you could also suggest another activity to celebrate the 4th, but it doesn't sound like that's possible at the moment (with the lack of understanding and the number of days sober). Wouldn't hurt to suggest it. Either way, you need to protect what's important, and that's sobriety. If you go, just stay a little bit and have an exit planned.

All the best,
Methodman

soberlicious

Her thoughts about getting up and doing something else are actually an effective way to work through a craving. She may not have ever been addicted, but she's not an idiot either. I don't have to be a dog owner to understand that a dog needs to be fed, watered, walked, and shouldn't be left in a hot car.

Struggles with addiction are not really an entirely different process than working through any other serious challenge in life. Sometimes common sense strategies can be extremely effective, they don't have to be limited to "recovery" to work.

That said, if my partner did not want to go to a gathering for whatever reason, I would not go or I would come up with an alternate activity. However, couples go through the struggle you are describing all the time. Plenty of couples have no idea of how to compromise...addictions or no addictions, inability to compromise is a separate issue to me.

Fandy

Think about sitting there crying because you can't have a glass of wine (in a few more days when you feel stronger). You will then agree that it is ridicules.

that being said, you sound like you just quit to improve your overall health. and there is nothing wrong with that. you don't have to join a group, declare your quitting to the world or attend any meetings and discuss it. But you have to stay stopped, that's the big one.

You need a plan...a "go to" activity when these cravings hit you otherwise you are up the creek without a paddle and a wine glass in your hand. Then you will have to do this all over again.

put together an action plan of what you can do in the evening, something enjoyable, interesting and time consuming.

and it is perfectly ok to eat a little more now, even a good chocolate bar, cookies or ice cream. (fresh pineapple takes time to trim and tastes great too).

treat yourself kindly, enjoy a new movie in the theater, go find a great book to download or buy.

congrats on your 4 days, the social gatherings are difficult if there is booze involved....but let your wife go with her friends, there is no reason to make her miserable too.

biminiblue

Ugh, that first week is a toughie. I sympathize with your in-a-ball-on-the-bed-crying fest.

I was a huge bundle of self-pity in my first two weeks. Thank God I don't live with anyone else who could have seen just how often I cried. It was bad enough that I cried at AA meetings - where people understand.

Thing is, my nervous system was trying to re-equalize. I had effed it up big time by constantly applying a depressant drug. The fact I was off that drug made Every. Emotion. HUGE. I kept saying, "I'm so raw...I'm feeling every emotion and I don't like it!!!"

The cure for you is Time. Yes, distracting myself worked - but sometimes I just cried. It gets better. Treat yourself like you have the flu. Eat ice cream, drink lots of fluids, sleep every chance you get. It gets better. The raw emotion does let up after some time. You'll just have to hang on until then.

Good luck with the wife thing.

zjw

I dont know if you can. My wife told me a few times well why cant you just order 1 drink with dinner or its your birthday go get a 6 pack of your favorite kind you've been so good. I'd tell her each time you dont understand I just cant. With anxiety and the other issues i've had i've felt like I was less of a man because i felt so crippled at times by some of these other issues drinking had caused. I know at times she probably felt i was just looking for an excuse or copping out. Maybe my panic attacks where not that real or maybe they where not as bad as I made them out to be i'm sure she thought.

In time however she realized it is what it is. I simply cannot drink and I'm simply wired differently and I have a few issues. Just like shes wired in ways I'll never understand and she has a few issues. I have to accept her and her issues and hse has to accept me and my issues even tho we may not ever fully understand each others nonsense.

acceptance is a pretty big theme for me. accepting things for the way that they are and just going with it. It is what it is. I always wanted to fight it swim up stream make things go in a different direction. It doesnt mean i've given up and wont still do things ilke that I'll still march to the beat of my own drum but I'm not going to send myself into a pit of despair with a case of beer while i try to change the world. I'll accept things before I let it go that far.

Nonsensical

I wish I knew. I tried to explain it this way - let me hold your head under water for 2 minutes. You can survive that long. Your brain knows it can survive that long, but I guarantee you will experience stress and anxiety and a craving for air before that 2 minutes is up. That's what I feel.

She looked at me like I had a new appendage growing out of my forehead.

Concur with the group, though - laying in bed fighting with a craving is not maximizing your strategy. Cleaning the baseboards is more productive.

Keep up the motivation. It gets easier! Good Luck!

SonomaGal

Unless people have an AV unfortunately they don't really get it. Even for me the further I get away from drinking, the crazier it seems that I had so little control over it. My fiancée is definitely a normal drinker, he has been keeping the same 3 beers in our fridge since his birthday in mid May! There's been a couple times he has said he thinks quitting forever and completely is a little extreme. I used to react to that, but now I just accept that he doesn't understand what it means to crave alcohol and that's okay (great actually). His opinion makes total sense for someone whose relationship with alcohol is not troubling and self destructive.

If you get educated on what to expect, and talk to her about all the things you're learning, she will better understand the process.

Brian316

Well my ex wife grew up in a family of unrecovered alcoholics and she used to say stuff to me like "I don't understand why you think you have to get drunk. Why cant you just have a couple?" LOL I gave her the most honest answer i could at the time which was simply i dont know. But the true answer is because i am an alcoholic. If i have one, i am going to get drunk. Dont know what might happen what i will do or where i will end up. I recommend the AA big book for you and her. Seek the solution my friend and the best to you both.