Gottalife

There is an angry member in the local groups. He lost the plot and upset people at a meeting last week. He was abusive and threatening.

Several groups in the area have responded through group conscience, altering thier formats to include the statement that abusive and threatening language is not permitted.

This has upset our man even more and at each meeting he launches a campaign to have this removed, saying he feels victimised. He apologises for his behavior and then repeats it by attacking the group, and complaining about faults he sees among other members. This approach does not seem to be getting him anywhere.

What should he do?

RecklessEric

Yikes, my reply disapeared.
I think he should be told to air his views respectfully.
Surely this is reasonable?

caboblanco

passive aggressive approach doesn't work we these types mehinks...but I don't think AA believes in coming right out and telling someone they are the problem

Waterfalls2014

Although an irrational approach, maybe he's looking for someone to reach out to him individually. Kinda like a kid throwing a temper tantrum. I would ask him what's really bothering him and just listen.

RecklessEric

But surely if a newcomer were to encounter this guy giving abuse to people, they wouldn't come back.
I think it's in everybody's interest to be straight with this chap. His own interest included.

biminiblue

LOL, if you go to enough AA meetings you'll see all shades of crazy. I don't think this is very far up on the scale of why people wouldn't come back.

Some are sicker than others.

ScottFromWI

Not sure I understand....why are you asking what he should do? Or did you mean what should the group do? Abuse should not be tolerated in any circumstance, and if it continues he should be asked to leave. If he refuses to leave, the police should be alerted.

Boleo

There is a lot of mental illness in my area and Group Conscious decisions sometimes include bans for certain members for 30, 60 or 90 days.

RecklessEric

I've been to plenty of meetings and encountered plenty of crazies.
But if I were a newcomer and felt this guy was being allowed to give out abuse...

Soberpotamus

My very first meeting I encountered a somewhat abusive and definitely passive-aggressive share from a man there. It certainly colored my views and experience of what I could expect to find at an AA meeting. But then again, those types are encountered most everywhere. I just took it in stride. Haven't forgotten about it though. And to make matters worse, his tirade was directed at newcomers!

FeenixxRising

Threatening how? Is he threatening members with physical harm?

Tamerua

My first meeting was at a recovery club downtown and it was colorful to say the least. Scary as shite but I wanted sobriety enough that I went back and got a where and when and found a nicer meeting.

I have seen groups ask violent people not to return for a certain amount of time. I've also seen a guy from my group take a guy like this to the side and began to work with him and got him through whatever was the matter.

FeenixxRising

Hmm, I misunderstood the question. Sorry, I have no answer; I can't get inside the guy's head. I think the only question that should be asked in this case is what will the AA groups do to keep their members safe from this guy?

Gottalife

I'm asking you guys to put your self in his shoes. How could he approach his problem in a way that will restore his relationship with the group?

I know the group could have him removed which will help the group but won't help him. Does he have to be at war with the group, or is there another approach he could try?

Mountainmanbob

He should bring his complaints to the business meeting
MM

DayTrader

Not sure I understand....why are you asking what he should do? Or did you mean what should the group do?

Wow, totally not what I was expecting you to say there. How should HE proceed....... none of my business. I reeeeeeeally work hard to not put my expectations of how I think someone should act on them any longer. A couple decades of trying to get others to just behave the way I wanted them to didn't go so well for me. LOL If I've got a problem with how someone is acting, that's 100% on me not them. My goal is to be understanding and forgiving.......though I find it extremely difficult sometimes.

HE'll approach it as best he can, with as much understanding, knowledge, intelligence and wisdom as HE HAS. More often than not, my judgment is that that person should have more understanding, knowledge, wisdom and so forth. That belief usually turns into a judgment that he should be doing better.......and from there yet another resentment is on the fast track to the front of my mind.

I think the only question to be asked is what can I do to be more understanding, helpful, and forgiving of this guy.....

* Isn't this more an AA / 12-step recovery related question than a question about general alcoholism? - not everyone who's alcoholic has experience with AA, meetings or the AA program.

Grungehead

He might try working the steps -- it sounds like he has a lot of anger/resentments.

BTW Mike we have a statement at the beginning of the meeting (in some groups including my home group) regarding abusive or disruptive behavior not being tolerated. We are still very tolerant with this rule but it lets everyone know that there is a point where it will be considered unacceptable.

ScottFromWI

I think it's pretty obvious what he should do...quit being abusive and participate, the meetings. But you nor I can control what he does so it seems like kind of a redundant question to me.

Gottalife

Thanks for the comments DT and you are right, it is a AA recovery related question.

I was hoping to draw out other views from people who could put themselves in his shoes. I'm not directly involved in this but I am seeing the consequences. Much of my learning in AA has come from the experience of others both in the book and in the meetings. Often I see what not to do, and sometimes I see what should be done instead.

The intial post was intended to provoke thought and perhaps bring on a discussion about how the stepand traditions might apply.

Dee, if you are following this, perhaps you could move the thread to 12 step forum.

Carlotta

I think he should not expect the group to change to accommodate his behavior but rather starts working on changing. Obviously, this is someone who does not work the 10th step and probably has never done a 4th either. I am glad I don't live in his head.
As far as apologies are concerned (followed by more abuse), it is a bunch of quacking and worthless. Work the steps and address his own behavior and start changing.
Actions speak louder than words.
He might also have to look for help outside of AA for his anger and psychological issues.
It is not fair for one imbalanced miserable individual to hold the group hostage and I concur with Boleo,
The group conscience might consider giving him a 30 day bar if he is disruptive and interfers with the primary purpose of the group.
Tradition 1 states If this individual's behavior interfers with the group's common welfare and potentially chases newcomers away and interfering with tradition 5 , it needs to be addressed at a group level