jdooner

I am sorry you feel that way Jennie. I took time out of my day to respond with the hopes that my experience and opinion might help you. If the only way you can respond is by being mean, you may want to rethink again your program of recovery.

Again, I did not start the thread asking for suggestions, you did.

Nuudawn

Thank you for this thread Jen. In all honesty, I have not yet done it justice in its entirety..as I have scanned each page and zeroed on posts here and there. I was so damn anxious to put my own two cents in here (problem of mine : ). I immediately started jumping and twitchin when I got to Scott's "why don't you ask them?"...and the twitchin' got to an all out tick when you answered that from you're perspective rather than asking them "in response" when they actually said stuff to you.

Please forgive me as I soooo understand you're issue with this. In my mind, you are working one heck of a program of recovery...one I respect and envy tremendously..but for me this is such a huge "boundary" issue.

I too am considering some regular visits to AA. I went to a meeting last Sunday and may want to continue. I recognize facets that would be so tremendously helpful to me but in the same breath, I so need to be the "manager" of my recovery. I want to go to AA but I fear my "reaction" when someone tries to shove something on me that I simply do not want. I am far too early in my sobriety to have a handle on my emotional regulation sometimes. I don't want to rip someone's face off who is simply trying to help...or share what is working for them. I don't NEED to take their suggestions but I don't need to have a complete freak out if they do. This is where I struggle. I think I might. So this is why I really, really appreciate your post.

Objectively, I know that when someone is trying to foist something on me that I don't want, I "react"...and I don't want to react...I want to RESPOND. For me, Scott had a "response" to give to these folks pushing stuff on you.

Why? Why is it so important to them. At the very least in invites conversation and connection. I, myself have such a hard time with that...

I am an reactor...not a responder. But I want the latter so very, very much. I don't have boundaries...I have walls...walls of dismissal. I don't think that's healthy.

I apologize if I am reiterating things here already addressed. I just know that this is the struggle I am having with attending AA. I want to "take what I need and leave the rest".

It is my right to do so...if I believe it is. If I am truly the captain of my recovery. I don't think I am that strong yet...so I WALL instead.

Nuudawn

Post-script: JD ..you're kind of ticking me off too. I guess I shouldn't go to AA either despite my simple desire to stop drinking.
I am getting the feeling that is simply a collective "my way or the highway" philosophy.

Case in point..this is probably a reaction as it is emotionally charged...rather than a response.

Anna

This thread will be closed if the arguing continues.

Jennie, if you believe you are doing what works for you, then carry on and pay no attention to anyone else.

Soberpotamus

Hi Nuu, thanks for your response. I get this. I'm right there with you And you understand why I post these things, as do many apparently. I have never minded feedback and suggestions until they border on insults and such.

Anyway, the reacting vs responding. It's taking me a while honestly. If there's anything I've learned and improved upon by going to these meetings at CC it's learning to "pause" and let someone share even when it's something I find disagreeable, or even intrusive or insulting, etc. Learning patience with others is coming, but slowly. I think that's why I keep going back. To just be able to sit in that room, surrounded by other people, and be ok with the differences. I mean, we already know the similarities, right?

Good stuff, Nuu. Thanks for you thoughts!

Archelon

Jennie I have a hard time not letting my emotion respond before my reason responds, and I have felt angry and pressured too.

this board is a good place for you to bring this up , like you can brainstorm, see all the pieces then decide, like you did here.

I don't know why they said and acted like they did, maybe they saw something in you that reminded you of themselves and projected.

Sometimes with AA I think people use it as a default setting, and make it the litmus test whether someone is serious about their sobriety. It's like "prove it by going to AA".

It is just because it is well known, maybe in parallel universe people say "prove you are serious about recovery by doing AVRT" or maybe "prove you love me, take anabuse". In 21st century AA is the gauntlet everyone is expected to pick up, and how people judge sobriety.

tedious, but don't let it bully you.

medicines have side effects, we all have to choose which ones do more good than harm, looks like CC is that for you right now.

waynetheking

Jeanne I got a lot out of this thread. I like the sign I saw in an aa meeting 30 years ago when I first tried to get sober. It read...keep it simple. ..I didn't know what it meant. I do now. I don't attend aa. Like you I've been sober now well over a year. My point is, I just don't want to dwell on this disease that much. It almost killed me. I prayed for relief. God gave it to me. Time to get on with life. I love ur post jeanne. I hope some day I can be of help. I'm a simpleton. That's my defense. Thank god its working.

Soberpotamus

Thanks Wayne Hope you're doing well. Good to see your posts today on here.

I think you made a great point. Maybe I should approach this next part of my life with that mantra. Keep it simple. I'm leaning toward that these days

RecklessEric

There are as many ways of rearing a child as there are cultures in the world. Sure, there are lots of similarities but a hell of a lot of variants.
One thing they all have is the desire to nurture their child and promote the best outcome.
Now, who am I to tell someone from a different culture they should raise their child the way I raise mine?

RobbyRobot

This thread is an important conversation and I have respect for the contributors. Sobriety is essentially a subjective experience. When we share our inner core, we will always attract opinions. This is a good thing. We ourselves can offer our own opinions as well, so this evens the playing field, and the conversation can continue more involved and informative.

AA works best on attraction because to do otherwise greatly weakens its effectiveness, imo. Unfortunately actual experience is most members promote AA so as to gratify their own ideals and as gathering collective support for their own opinions on what works and what doesn't work for others in recovery. This is not a good thing, and this attitude alone contributes to the failure of many an AA member who finds themselves torn by the internal conflicts within AA membership.

Absolutely we don't know everything about ourselves at all times. It is helpful to have others suggest they see something we do not. It is equally important though the one giving out informed experience remember that the listener nonetheless is best informed on themselves, even if at some particular moment they appear to not be. This kind of mutual respect keeps the conversation enlightened. Otherwise, its a free-for-all and then people are gonna get hurt for nothing worth the hurt being created.

I'm AA, among other things in my recovered life. SoberJennie has every right to do as she does with whatever from wherever and whenever. She has earned the right to be herself in recovery, same as we all have. What none of us has a right to do is to say we are not getting results in our recovery, and yet we refuse to do what is suggested, and we complain its not working while we refuse to make it work. Jennie is clearly happy and satisfied with her recovery. The proof is in the pudding here for all to see.

Awesome stuff, Jennie.

RobbyRobot

I'm sure your experience and opinion is helpful, JD. I'm unsure though how limiting Jennie's latitude for self-discovery in AA is itself helpful. I'm also sure, speaking for myself here friend, that Jennie has exampled time and again she re-visits her plan of recovery continuously, as I know you do too, my friend. I hope you can appreciate her hesitations on AA. I remember you yourself had enough of your own earlier, yeah?

In any case, you both rock in my books!

Ken33xx

Could be...

They sincerely believe they're trying to help

Or maybe they're trying to convince themselves this is what need be done in order to stay sober.

Soberpotamus

Thanks, Robby. I really appreciate that And you always rock in my book

Soberpotamus

Valuable nugget here, I think. Will keep this in mind.

Carlotta

Jennie, you have 450 days sober and you are doing well. Have you considered that maybe you have outgrown your addiction therapist? Outpatient is generally for the first 3 to 6 months. I am not in your shoes and you are a very smart woman so you are probably still going for a reason but I still find it a bit puzzling. I just could not see myself doing outpatient at this stage of my sobriety.

Soberpotamus

Hi Carolotta, it's Continuing Care and it's designed to be offered to us for up to two years. There are some who stay past the two years.

I don't really see it as outpatient. It felt more like group therapy at first. But, I see more and more I'm surrounded by newbies coming in, and a few of the same old same old veterans who've stayed. And as I mentioned in a previous post, the vets are small in number and are the "nuts" lmao.

Good point. Maybe I'm outgrowing it.

Soberpotamus

Honestly... would LOVE to be able to walk into an AA meeting and somehow fit in. Just seems like so many insurmountable factors for me personally. I definitely could go, sit there, and listen... but I wanted to fit in, participate, and gel with a group. This has never happened in CC, or any of the early AA meetings I've attended. Maybe I expect too much. It must happen over a period of years. And I was never able to handle the dogma and outrageous opinions in early sobriety that I seem to be able to tolerate now in CC without blowing a gasket and leaving. So, maybe it's time I revisit the idea of attending the 9 am (!!!) women's only AA meeting on Saturday at a church. If I can roll out of bed at that time on a Saturday!

Soberpotamus

Jdooner, I do appreciate you sharing your experience and opinion. No hard feelings.

jdooner

None on my end Jennie. Seems like you are doing great was just trying to share something that we chatted about in our PMs and it came out wrong...then I got defensive.

I do wish you the best and it sounds like things are going well.

Gottalife

To refer to a different part of your original post, being sponsored does not appear to be all it is cracked up to be if this research is anything to go by.

"A Baltimore, Maryland study of 500 former and current heroin and cocaine injection drug users over the course of one year indicated having an AA/NA sponsor was not correlated with any improvement in sustained abstinence rates than a non-sponsored group (Crape 2001:291). However, being a sponsor was found to be highly correlated with sustained abstinence. In fact, 75% of the sponsors group maintained abstinence over the one year period and showed the the most improved lifestyle changes (Crape 2001:298). "

This fits quite well with my own observations in AA. It might be worth investigating further.