christinastar10

Hello,

My XABF went sober about 8 months ago and went on medication for mood swings. He relapsed in march and was in a 8 week inpatient program. 5 days after he was released he started drinking again. During this time we went to court and he now has supervised visitations with our son. But now XABF is claiming he's not a alcoholic. He sent me the following email:

'U act like im some raging alcoholic. I made a bad choice and let stress and anxiety get the best of me. I made a mistake that doesn't define who I am. I learned that having a beer isnt my problem. Its that I didnt handle stress and anxiety and responsibilities well. I would get caught up in the whirlwind and I wasn't confident in myself. Ive learned im in control of my actions. I make either the right decision or wrong decision. I can look at things negatively or positively. I can fight with you or I can try and figure out a way for us to get on the same page so our son can have both his parents in his life.'

Honestly I think he's BSing me again and I think he's in denial.

Mountainmanbob

In most of these cases only time will tell.

If alcoholic true feathers usually once again reappear in short time.

MM

jdooner

Why do you want to keep your son from knowing his father? I would examine your own motives too.

As for you BF, I don't think there is enough information for anyone to make that judgement. This email say nothing to me.

biminiblue

The email states his feelings.

His feelings are valid and he sounds like he is becoming aware.

His actions will tell the real tale.

Supervised visitation is prudent at this time. Your child needs to know his father, problems and all. None of us are perfect.

We learn not to take others' inventory and we are much happier. Don't fall into the trap of diagnosing his issues because of one email. That email is actually a healthy start, though I certainly understand your wariness. Actions over time are what is important.

christinastar10

I don't try to keep our son away from him. During his last relapsed he admitted to the judge he wanted to commit suicide. With that the judge requested supervised visitations with xabf parents.

He lives with his parents and they agree with the supervision visitations.

Croissant

So, they admit non-alcoholics to 8 week inpatient programs, do they? (Please don't say that to him, )

He sounds like he's frustrated. He also sounds like my ex husband when he was in rehab...apparently it was just all the stress of his work, our marriage and the loss of his Mum.

Bit like the flu, it's bad, but it will pass, kind of attitude.

jdooner

In Al Anon they talk about loving detachment. I call it getting slimed. When someone is active in their mindset it can suck you in a pull you down and I always come out feeling like I got slimed. So its tough. As others have said time will tell. Try to set and maintain boundaries and have compassion but be detached from him.

Good luck

Nuudawn

He's right beer wasn't his problem..it was his solution to "not handling stress, anxieties and responsibilities well"...most of call that alcoholism.

Sooo...he learned how to handle his stress, anxieties and responsiblities in an 8 week program? That's some program. Wow. Do you have the number?

I'm sorry..I'm being a bit tongue in cheek here. I think it is unlikely he is "cured" or that beer isn't his problem..indirectly.

soberlife123

No one can decide if they are an alcoholic but that person, unfortunately. That's what i've learned trying to help my partner and my mother in my own recovery, but it's early days so i'm focusing on ME.

I hope you get the support you need x

MrTumble

Maybe its just me, but I find it to be bad manners to post a private email to a public forum without some form of consent.

Perhaps you can remove it when you habe the answers to your questions.

FeelingGreat

He's showing a willingness to co-operate with you on parenting, and the email sounds sincere as far as it goes. As others have said, time will tell, but it sounds like he's in denial for now. We alchos are good at fooling ourselves.

Music

Judging by what you've said here, I'd go with your gut, which is apparently telling you to stay clear away. I'd go with that!

breath

I can easily diagnose from reading the post that your BF is NOT an alcoholic and seems to have a tight grip on things. I should know better than anyone, after all I am a Doctor*. You're welcome, Dr. Bob*

*Doctor Bob is not a real doctor, just pretends to be one here on the soberrecovery website.

But really...good luck, get help, Al-anon, from what you've posted regardless of anything else you have some work to do and there are a multitiude of resources available; and you can find them all here @ SR. this is a great resource; Welcome!

DJSobriety

I think one should be careful about the idea of "no longer" being an alcoholic. I am not an expert by any means, but it seems to me that most people who have issues with alcohol are simply either active or inactive in their drinking. The mechanism is always there.

Mountainmanbob

interesting

MM

Gottalife

I'm not sure it is denial, he may have been told this stuff. There are many people who think recovery from alcoholism is just a matter of choice or positive thinking, or that its just a matter of deciding you are not alcoholic. Only time will reveal the true nature of his condition.

But it does sound as though you have, from your point of view, very good reasons to be concerned. It maybe BS, he may be misinformed, he may be telling the truth. In any case I would suggest that you proceed with caution.

FT

Who is Dr. Bob?

jason2

Wow, that seems like a mature email. Hopefully he is sincere, but he should try to exercise correct punctuation. Good for him and for all of you if he has matured so much. Only time will tell.

murrill

When I was drinking I was convinced that I would be able to drink like a "normal" person if only I could manage the pain. In fact, I even had evidence--or so I thought. Sometimes I drank without getting into trouble or having a blackout. I was convinced that it was possible for me to drink like a normal person. I told myself that I reacted badly to alcohol because I was an emotional wreck. I guess that was true, to some extent, but this presented a conundrum: I couldn't begin to heal the mental and emotional wounds until I quit drinking. I am much more stable now....some might say "normal" (whatever that is!), but I harbor no illusion that I can metabolize alcohol without dire consequences.

NYCDoglvr

I'm sober 22 years and still an alcoholic. If I pick up a drink I won't be able to stop drinking. It's simply the nature of the disease.