SonomaGal

Since getting sober I keep thinking about this friend who is an alcoholic. Back when I drank she was my drinking hero and of course now I see how ridiculously sad that was. But she could make drinking look great, and I thought it seemed to have minimal affect on her. Anyway, I know that's all an illusion now. But against my better judgement I have this intense desire to show her how dangerous her choices are, and yes I know it's not my business. But it's like the giant elephant in the room when I see her. She knows I'm sober, but she still drinks a ton if I'm around, so I have quietly stopped spending time with her. But I keep wanting to have that talk with her, that real gritty talk about drinking and where it's all heading... Is this ridiculous, or caring, or ? Anyone else experienced this?

least

You might want to tell her "I'm worried about your drinking" and let it go at that.

Jsober

Yes, I have a friend just like that. We used to drink heavily together. I hardly see him now that I am sober and he is still on the merry-go-round. I have that desire to help him or try to show him that there is another way. I think my motives are purely to help but there may be some ego in there as well to be honest. It does bug me that there is nothing I can do to help other than wait it out as the alcohol beats him down.
If I come strong now, I will lose the chance to help out later. I am just making myself as healthy as possible so when the chance to help does come around I am able to offer some experienced insight. I know the chance may never come, but that is not up to me.
My only advice is to focus on yourself and subtly let your friend you are available to help with anything if she ever wants. After that you have let things unfold as they do.

Tamerua

I have a similar friend and I don't say anything about her drinking. I'm here and she knows I'm in recovery. She even sent me a card when I had hit 90 days. I hope that I can just be a good example to her and will always be available if she ever wants help.

kittycat3

I can relate. I can't answer the should or should you not question, I recommend you go with your gut. Just be sure you are doing it from a place of caring about her and her unique situation and not just preaching about your new sober life. I had friends and family reach out regarding their concern for me, and it helped me change my life for sure. But I know that for my former drinking partners in crime, a select few that I'm still close with, I am now the "sober" one and I therefore I think my own opinions about their use are held with slightly less regard than others - I don't drink so on some level, everyone is a heavy drinker compared to me. That said if you still worry about your friend, a good friend will carefully and respectfully help out a friend in need. If you craft the message carefully (maybe just expressing your concern and asking how they are doing), it could be just the push they needed in the right direction!

kittycat3

Btw I am only speaking from my experience. When I first got sober in my 20s I was not happy about everyone else getting to keep drinking. Took me a while to get to a place of acceptance. (Who am I kidding I still struggle with acceptance, I'm on day 13 today. But I have come a long way in knowing that my path of not drinking is the right one for me, and for many in my life, even those who abuse alcohol, sobriety may not be their path. So I try to accept that and be an example for those when they need it, and focus on what I need to do for me....which is not drink!

MIRecovery

Your example of living sober will be more effective than anything you could say. I know how maddening it is to watch people self destruct. I try to remember that there was nothing anyone could have said or did that would have stopped my drinking

tomsteve

if you chose to talk to her, you may want to stick to your experience- what drinking was doing to you, what made you decide to stop, and what your life is like now.
nothing wrong with showing concern either. it may help her.she may be waiting for someone to reach ot to her.
also, it would be wise to talk to her when shes not drinking.

Gottalife

One thing is for sure. She is watching you to see how you turn out.

topspin

This is wonderful, .....thank you tomsteve,

This leaves the *free advise* aspect totally out of it, ..and includes a caring insight, if you decide to.

leviathan

one of my best friends went sober in front of the whole gang following a prison stint. we were hardcore. early 20s-30s. plenty of drugs. I used to seek him out at parties and talk to him candidly. back then I thought I was just making sure he felt more comfortable. NOW I know I was doing research. it must have been on a subconscious level. I would ask him questions about it. he was always non-judgmental, even is I had just snorted something.

after I flamed out and went to "the hab" he was the first sober friend I contacted. he lives 2300 miles away. he was like, "this is gonna be great! hang in there. youre gonna love it!". -what more could you ask for?

NightsWatch

I don't have the right answer, but I think how I'd handle it would depend on what kind of relationship I have with the person. If we're just hang-out buddies, then I might let it be, but if it's someone I share my deeper thoughts and emotions with and vice versa, I'd feel a need to bring it up. The truest of friends should be able to speak their minds to one another. I would expect my closest friends to tell me things I might not want to hear. Nicely of course. Even then, if she does indeed have a problem and doesn't admit it, she might get defensive. You just have to be prepared for that.

gaffo

I just try to lead by example and be honest. I am an alcoholic and quitting drinking was the best thing that I've ever done for myself. I don't hide it and I don't brag on it. I remember being on the other side of it, being fascinated by my sober friends who could still hang out at a party and have fun lives, like what Leviathan was talking about. Those were the subtle things that eventually led me to quitting. I hope that I am able to return the favor!