applecake

Cathryn, it seems like you ought to be able to just say, "I'm not drinking tonight." End of discussion. People who continue to push the issue aren't friends and don't deserve explanations.

Suki already mentioned this, but I think what you are seeing is that your abstaining from alcohol at these events is threatening to the AV of whomever is giving you such a hard time. Their AV needs you to drink so that they don't have to question their own relationship with alcohol and their AV.

State your position. You don't have to give reasons. If they continue to push, move on to a better group of friends. These aren't worth your discretionary time.

You've got this, Cathryn!

Cathryn2001

Oh, I can't thank you all enough for offering your opinions, insights, and encouragement! I'm so grateful to for the camaraderie that SR offers!

SoberHoopsFan

Bingo. The only people that care whether or not someone else drinks are people with drinking problems. They need others to drink to justify their own drinking. I was that guy who gave people a hard time for not drinking, but I was also a selfish, out of control binge drinker that was living a double life and a huge lie. Do we really need to appease people like that in sobriety? If this "friend" persists in questioning, time to find another "friend."

AnyLengths

Just because someone asks you a question does not automatically mean they deserve an answer, or that their question is even appropriate.

I got sober, went through the steps and learned it's OK to set up boundaries for myself -- but more importantly have the courage to enforce those boundaries. I find freedom in that.

Grungehead

I simply do not owe anyone an explanation as to why I don't drink. Now depending on the person and situation I might be more tolerant sometimes than I will other times.

But my answers are usually pretty short and to the point:

Do you want a drink? "No thank you I'm not drinking tonight".

What not? "because I don't want to". (I never make up an excuse here)

IOAA2

For myself I would just say the truth, No Thank you I’ve developed an allergy to alcohol. It’s true, end of story.

BE WELL

Catchment

I'm not sure why people are telling her to tell the truth when she obviously doesn't want to do that for professional reasons, or telling her that the people pressuring her to drink 'have a drinking problem themselves' or 'they shouldn't ask those questions'. If they have drinking problems or ask rude questions, that sucks, but can any of us change that? She has to deal with the people in her world just like we all do. So I think in this situation her approach of wanting to just tell a little lie to get them off her back makes perfect sense. I mean what's the harm in that? She is doing the right thing already by realizing she has a problem and solving it, so I don't see the necessity in telling everyone in her life that she has a problem with alcohol when it could hurt her professional prospects.

Cathryn you know your own situation better than anyone else here, and I think there is nothing wrong with lying to some people sometimes. Being honest about everything to everyone all the time feels like an unnecessary sledge hammer approach. Just be creative and I'm sure you can find a line that will get them off your back. Here are some from the top of my head, maybe you can meld two or three of them together into something effective:

• You have a stomach ulcer which can recur at any time if you drink alcohol
• You developed a late-in-life allergy that gives you the classic 'flushing' reaction
• You "admit" to starting to like it too much and with a family history of alcoholism, you don't want to risk it and prefer to just quit
• You have taken up one of those religions which forbids alcohol, and were just embarrassed to tell people that before for fear of judgement.
• You have a friend who is an alcoholic and swore to give up drinking in support of him/her
• Drinking alcohol always leads to smoking for you, and you want to quit smoking (for obvious reasons that they won't argue with)
• You are just one of those people who are extra sensitive and has extra bad hangovers the next morning with even 1 glass of wine
• The medication that you are on is for the rest of your life (many conditions don't have a cure but require lifelong treatment, e.g. diabetes, psoriasis, high blood pressure, etc etc.)
• You never really liked alcohol in general. Some people just don't like some things, why can't alcohol be one of those things? Like that Jim Gaffigan bit, he talks about how if someone says they don't like mayonnaise no one asks them "WHAT!! Why?!? Are you addicted to mayonnaise?? Did you have a problem with mayonnaise??? Is it OK if I have some mayonnaise??" No, people don't react like that when someone says they don't like mayonnaise. So why, logically, should it be any different when someone says they simply don't like alcohol?

Anyway, just food for thought.

Mags1

Hi Cathryn, there's only a couple or three of people who know I've stopped.
My work colleagues are like I used to be, a drink to solve everything and celebrate everything.

I don't socialise much only with close friends and family and they don't question when I don't drink, a few of them don't themselves.

I think the culture is to drink, especially here in the uk and we are the odd ones out who don't drink. The special elite!

GwenCummings

Making up lies won't help the situation. Remember sobriety is about being able to look at yourself in the mirror with a clear conscience and being able to learn to love yourself.

I would look at life and wonder why there are so many events in it that involve drinking.

The new sober you deserves more than watching other people drink.

The new sober you deserves friends who don't drink because they don't drink or don't drink around you when you are still relatively new at being sober.

There are many better ways of spending time.

I was designated driver for 2 and a half years when i first stopped drinking and thought life could carry on the same minus alcohol.

One big long relapse later, that's not happening this time.

If you really have to be with people drinking, politely say you don't want to drink then ask them an unrelated question. People love to talk about themselves.

JustODAAT

I would not tell anyone connected to my workplace anything that sounded like I am an alcoholic. I saw that go very wrong for someone else. Otherwise, I agree with the advice here.

zerothehero

Ditto.

But I thought I would add deflecting with humor. Just last night I was at a social function and this gal (who happens to work at the liquor store I used to frequent) repeatedly offered me a beer. I kept saying, "I'm good" and going for water. She seemed genuinely annoyed. When she started with "It's just a beer" I told her I wasn't drinking because "it pisses you off." She gave me the hairy eyeball and I laughed and walked away. Probably not the best choice in certain situations, but it fit this one.

Cathryn2001

Love that one, Zero! I might use that myself!

jaynie04

I haven't had this issue arise yet. But, if it do get backed into a corner I plan on saying…
"no, because I am a raging alcoholic who had to go away to the desert to dry out for a month". I imagine that will shut anybody up, scary thing is, it's true.

Under the auspices of being honest, most of us blurted out some of the things we used to do behind closed doors, some of our behaviors were outrageous enough to leave them wondering whether we are joking or being serious.

KAD

For the life of me I can't understand the gall of anyone who would badger someone for choosing not to drink! How is it anyone else's business?! You don't owe them explanations. A simple yes or no should be all that's required, and respected. Otherwise, I think I'd find a new group of people to hang out with.

Cathryn2001

The special elite . . . I like that!

ru12

When offered an alcoholic drink, I just smile and say " No thanks." I don't need to give a reason. It has worked perfectly to a few years now.

Ghostly

There have been several mentions in this Thread about people that have been honest about alcohol / drug problems, and it was used against them. Can someone give an example of what exactly happened? Were they fired? Something else? It was for simply stating they had an alcohol problem, and there were no other incidents or performance issues? Just curious cuz I read this all the time, but I'm not aware of anything specific that has happened.

Boudicca

I recently handled my first social function involving alcohol by simply saying "no thanks." Reading this thread was extremely helpful in assuaging my fears that my friends would make me uncomfortable for not drinking..
I feel very grateful that I have these friends! I truly appreciate them.

Cathryn2001

I've felt that my sobriety has really helped me sort out who my real friends are. I might have expected some "pressure" from the type of crowd that I ran with when I was in college or in my mid twenties--we went to clubs, we drank, repeat 3-4 nights of the week.

But these women . . . they are moms/teachers in their mid-40s, who, one would imagine, would be beyond the whole "I'm drinking--you NEED to drink with me" mindset.

I knew that the first few times I abstained, I would likely be questioned (at minimum, due to curiosity, as I generally drank a few when we socialized previously). What I didn't expect was the escalation--taking my "no, thanks . . remember, I'm on medication" to a barrage of questions that were invariably peppered at me in front of a small audience of other teachers--why are you on medication, what medication are you on, when will you get this get sorted so you can drink again, etc. I've entertained these questions by responding with generic answers, but eventually, it became, "What are you--an alcoholic? If you're an alcoholic, we'll be sensitive and leave you alone" followed by gales of laughter (because calling someone out on a possible alcohol problem is the very picture of sensitivity). Funnily enough, no questions/concerns about how I'm emotionally dealing with my current medical condition (red flag); everything was wrapped around me being able to drink again. I've said that I don't miss it, and I've said that I'm glad to be pursuing a healthier lifestyle. I was then told that I just wasn't fun anymore.

I'm at fault here for numerous reasons--I've had no boundaries, and I've maintained relationships that are clearly toxic. These are people in which alcohol (over)use is normalized, and I don't know why I ever thought that our "friendships" would continue once I stopped drinking. The responses on this thread have helped me realize my role in all of this. They have also taught me numerous ways to handle questions.

Bottom line--I'm terminating the social relationship with these colleagues (easy since I'm moving on to a new position next year). I also refuse to engage in conversations about my choices. Their rudeness (and it is rudeness) in questioning/commenting begets a deliberate response--Why does my not drinking bother you so much?

I'm confident in using "I don't drink" with the people I meet in new placement (not that I foresee it coming up), and I doubt that any questions will be asked. If there are, thanks to you generous people, I have the skills/verbiage to deal with them.

Thank you again for taking the time to share your opinions/perspectives. Every post helped me dissect this situation and figure out the the solution that is best for me at this time.

LDT

"No thanks, I'm not drinking. But I'll take a diet coke." End of discussion . If they continue to push for an answer I say ( very nicely), "does my not drinking present a problem for you?" .......... People that continue to push for more information than you feel like giving, in addition to trying to get you to drink, are usually people that have a problem themselves.