copernicus

I think you may be focusing on some of the people in your town, and not actually everyone. Surely, not every single person is like this. I can also be prone to falling into these thought patterns when in any kind of group setting. I disagree that the answer is to stop judging people. Not accepting abusive behavior is different from judging. I don't think anyone is just fundamentally evil, but some people choose to act maliciously towards others consistently, especially people who will not be defended by many others. My experience is that this occurs from childhood on up, but just lessens as people become more mature and thoughtful. I still think it's a minority of people who behave this way, but they definitely exist and it is a problem you will have to deal with.

I would say work on yourself, judge yourself first, and then when confronted with consistent abuse, try to ignore it. I also think moving out of your hometown would be beneficial here, but you should have a strategy for dealing with this in any type group setting.

Mirage74

I am speaking specifically about this town. Like I said, I've lived other places and really liked the people. People are different in different places, is what I've found.

As far as being judgemental, they are judging too. They judge me, and everyone else too. Everyone's judging everybody. DB quoted the Dalai Lama (a quote which I like btw). But I'm not the Lama and can't rise above it while everyone's going around judging. I plan to move. If wherever I go, there I am, that's fine. Being sober can make that possible.

Many of you have made some good points. I'm not saying I'm w/o fault. And I made a broad generalization. It's not EVERYONE in this town. The ones I don't like just seem to be prevalent.

MIRecovery

My sponsor would tell me I am looking in the mirror and I don't like what I see

CodeJob

To be fair Mirage, I despised my first college. It was not a good fit. It was a known party school and I am one who likes to learn. Even though I was in an academic honors dorm, I hated it. By the time I transferred I hated the buildings, the town, and most of my fellow students. I was 19.

Now I adored my second college. The town was liberal. My first liberal town. I was surrounded by crazy smart people. I was just average at this university so I had to work hard. It was nice to be mixed in with everyone and not shunted off in an honors program. And you know what else I realized - the weather was more sunny in this town. Where I grew up is a very cloudy place. It definitely impacted my mood.

I have since lived in other places and indeed my mood is impacted by weather, culture and social mindset. I don't live in the best spot for me currently, but the internet is quite capable of allowing me access to any book or video or debate to help me offset the culture. Also my job allows me access to culture and diversity which helps a lot.

Now notice though, I'm not packing judgemental guns at my fellow earthlings who are my neighbors. They are "good people" even though they aren't "my people." I do not talk religion or politics with these good people. But I know if something awful happened, my neighbors would pitch in and help me. And I help them.

jdooner

I felt the same way when I was active in my old mindset. I used to need to put others down to make myself feel better about myself because deep down I was so insecure. It was not until I was able to forgive myself and get to know JDooner that I was able to start being authentic. Funny thing about authenticity it seems to attract. Now I find myself in no shortage of people I find fascinating.

While I cant say for certain, I highly doubt its an entire town of City of poeple that are the problem for you Mirage. My guess is its the guy that you see in the mirror. To this end what are you doing for recovery?

Mirage74

I think Codejob is getting at what I'm talking about. This is just not my kind of town. The people here love it and think it's the greatest thing ever. I guess it's a difference of opinion. I hate their opinion and they hate mine.

I'll humor everyone and just say it's just me. I mean what I'm saying couldn't possibly be true. My perception must be off. I've lived in 7 different cities in my life and have a different opinion of all of them. I liked 5 of them. But you all are right, it couldn't possibly be this town, it must be me.

jdooner

It would be one thing if the tenor in your posts came across as genuine and sincere. Instead you are defensive and have much spite - or it comes across that way. As such, I would agree with you – it’s you.

The funny thing is whether it’s you or this town does not affect any of us, only you. You also are the one that put it out there - I wonder why? Deep down you know the answer and you’re the only one it matters to, not us.

As I stated in my post, I relate to what you wrote when I was active. I could have written the same thing. Today, not so much.

Mirage74

I'm not sure what your point is jdooner. I'm not sure why it's so important for you to point out it's me. Deep down I don't know the answer. But since you know me so well, and this town so well, I'm glad you do.

jdooner

Mirage - I am not saying its you. I am saying all the signs point to you though. Listen, I understand you may be in a town of people that don't have common interests. But it is most likely your inability to be open that is creating this.

For example if I am conservative and I move to a town of liberals I can say oh, I hate all these people because they don't think the way I do. This is how I used to think. Or I could say I agree to disagree on political views but Tom, Dick and Harry are fascinating people bc they like to build their own model airplanes or grow tomatoes or whatever. My point is most of the time it is us that limits ourselves, not others. We cannot control others only ourselves and you have the tools to change if you want.

I think by posting this on the board you do know the answer you might just be unwilling to face it.

zjw

I dunno I get it i lived in a place where i couldnt stand the majority of the people that lived there the lifestyle etc.. couldnt wait to move was never happier once i did. I like the people where i live now but I still cant manage to really make friends here but out in public and such i dont mind dealing with people here in passing like i did where i used to live.

I really do struggle to find down to earth honest people to deal with tho. it seems like everyones got there self serving agenda and its all about what people can get out of me or something.

But yeah I get it. when you can just move to an area where you get along with the people there more or can mesh with em. In my case i got no intention of becoming best friends with the people that live here but I can stop and have a friendly conversation with anyone and its not so bad. where i lived before I was just so angry at everyone and there ways etc...

Probably just different cultures etc...

PurpleKnight

That's one of the issues with getting Sober, we don't get to numb or escape from much anymore, we get to experience life in the here and now, everything we dislike, every person that annoys us etc etc, we get to feel, think, laugh and cry as life happens around us.

There is a similar theme of threads when people post about getting Sober and realise they don't like their job anymore, or they don't like their spouse anymore, we've been blinded by addiction for so long we never realised we didn't like things about our life, we just carried on with them, possibly through habit or no real motivation to change anything.

So what can we do about it, well Sobriety I think gives us the opportunity and potential to live the life we want to chose to live, rather than the one we simply fell into many years ago in conjunction with our addictions!!

zjw

YEP!!!!!

Its not just gee how the heck did i end up in AA? Its also gosh why did i pick this friggen carreer? Why did I ever settle into THIS job?

desypete

well you can always remove yourself from situations you dont like or people you dont like if they trouble you that much ?

i have many people i dont like at all in aa but if they were in need or in trouble i would help them out

its just how i cope with people i dont like it does work believe me

there is a women i know who hates a person in work who has never done her any harm in her life but she just doesnt like her and even dreams about things she would say to her if ever there paths crossed

i suggested to her that she might offer the person a cup of tea one day or just ask her nicely how are you

lol
you can imagine her reply to my suggestion and its ends in off

but i still keep on saying this to the women in aa when i see her i ask her has she taken that cup of tea with her yet ?

no comes the answer and she will not lol

one day she might just try it and then find she actualy likes this person

but for me today i tolerate people even when my head is telling me to tell them to get lost : )

Mirage74

I got your post until this sentence. I think I do know the answer. But it may not be the answer you think it is either jdooner.

This town is a dead end for me. Too much history, politics, family, etc. here. I need to move. If that happens and I have this problem with the new town, it's me.

jdooner

There you go - problem solved. Sounds like a great plan!