thotful

As I have mentioned before, I am open about my work on sobriety with friends/family and on facebook. I received a message on facebook by a friend from high school. She said she has admitted she needs help and wants to go to a meeting, but feels nervous. She asked which meetings I go to.

I responded by saying that I totally understood feeling nervous and pointed out the meetings I go to, and that I was flexible if she had a different time in mind. I told her she was being brave and that in my personal experience, I found a lot of support and the feeling of being 'welcome' in meetings.

Any thoughts from other members on supporting another alcoholic who's asked for help?

PurpleKnight

I'd definitely talk to her about SR, online support is fantastic as it's here 24/7, plus on a daily basis there is soo much that can be picked up simply by reading threads!!

zjw

my only thought is to not have any expectations other then to be there for the person. People have there ups and downs all you can do is be supportive.

FlyerFan

I agree with purple, this site is the very first thing i mention to people who ask me for help. Many of them, like me, are terrified of people and don't have the courage to go to meetings quite yet. This place helped me build myself up for it.

Gottalife

You could try reading "Working With Others" Page 89 in the Big Book. It tells you exactly how to work with others.

DayTrader

If you're trying to work the AA program, it might help to know how this subject is addressed:

p14: For if an alcoholic failed to perfect and enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he could not survive the certain trials and low spots ahead.

p20: Our very lives, as ex-problem drinkers, depend upon our constant thought of others and how we may help meet their needs.

My personal experience..... I fall short of those two ideals more than I'd hope to but far less often than I used to. I'd rather have a sponsee spend an hour or two a week helping someone with that person's life/problems than sitting at a meeting talking about philosophy or their opinion without having the experience with the program to back it up.

So, IMO, yeah you lend a hand......hell ya.

LBrain

I am not a big book person or a 'stepper'. however if anyone reaches out for help I will do my best to help them. take them to a meeting, listen or recommend meetings, AVRT and other available sources.
Even though I myself am not big into AA I still recommend it to those in need.

desypete

just keep it simple and tell her all about you and what drinking did to you and where you found help to stop

offer to take them to a meeting and when at the meeting introduce her to people there just be there as a friend
dont worry about not being an expert as non of us are we just learn from helping others
i thought i needed a diploma in aa before i could start to help new comers but i soon learned when i got stuck in

i was with a new comer today at a meeting and i told her about me losing my kids to social services going to prison etc she was in the same boat and i told her how i got my kids back and what worked for me and that was aa
the more i talked the more she talked unitl in the end she was just talking and starting to even smile
so hopefully she will come back again for more but if not then at least i have done my part in trying to help
so just get stuck in and dont expect anything as chances are no matter what you do they will just not listen

good luck

bigsombrero

I agree with others here - offer support, and suggestions.

One thought: have you ever taken in a stray puppy dog that you found out in the rain? You kept it for a few weeks, fed it, bonded with it....and then the owner came back and took the puppy home. That's not a great feeling.

With that in mind, I'd be careful here and try to check your emotions at the door. It sounds like this is an old friend so that might be tough. Keep your expectations realistic - she might not be ready, or might not gravitate towards recovery like you did.

I became somewhat emotionally invested in a buddy who I met in rehab. When he relapsed I was so angry and hurt. I also became friends with someone from here on SR, we chatted outside of SR. She also relapsed. Now maybe I've been unlucky, but I think it's important to be realistic.

Don't try to be someone's savior. You don't know what got her to this point, or what her circumstances are. She reached out for help. Offer your help, but make sure you're not taking in a stray puppy dog here.

Aellyce

I really like this post, BigS. Very wise approach and advice. Not a good idea to very closely bond with someone over too much risk and uncertainty... I have not experienced this on the side of the one who gets too emotionally involved with someone else in the context of recovery, but did in the past many times in other, intrinsically "constrained" relationship constructs, that I tended to handle pretty well - on the surface.

I also realized others' wisdom about this in the recovery scene, from the "puppy side" I could not get initially why some people in longer term recovery that I met either online or in AA meetings, would try to keep a well-defined distance while it was very obvious to me that in fact they would want to do the opposite if they let it... I realized this gradually as I had been getting more experienced in the whole recovery business over the past 5 months. I actually found the idea, often heard from AA circles, that newcomers are better to put their full focus on their own sobriety during the first year, quite annoying in the beginning... like what the ***, I can't do anything else? I want to make new friends I can relate to after all those years of isolation.... that was the "puppy talk" in me.

Luckily I managed to ran into some very wise (and experienced) people. And now I totally get this also having seen people come and go, cycles or sobriety and relapses... during the past several months on SR.

So I think it's best to handle these recovery-related connections in a somewhat professional way. Of course we do and need to talk about all this personal stuff, but setting a sensible boundary is not a bad thing in general terms, especially in a combination when one person is far more advanced into recovery than the other. I think we can be insightful, helpful, compassionate... all that... without risking our own and someone else's well being and sobriety. That has become one of my center values as I have ventured into these realms.