How to confront an alcoholic sister who's losing control
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4
How to confront an alcoholic sister who's losing control
My younger sister is an alcoholic who has gradually been losing her grip on reality. She's a 29-yr-old divorced mother of three young girls with a lot on her plate, but she also has a strong support network of family and friends. All of us are concerned, and unsure of how to confront her.
She is the type who ALWAYS has a beer in her hand. In the past six years I've never ever hung out with her without seeing her drinking. Everyone who knows her is certain she drinks every single night, usually to excess. Every so often that includes blackouts, puking, etc.
None of that is particularly new, but a few of the latest troubling consequences are:
- She's having problems at her office that are apparently close to getting her fired.
- Family members worry about the safety of her children, and the girls are displaying emotional problems, i.e. regressive tantrums, bed-wedding they are too old for.
- She has admitted to recent reckless behavior like shoplifting and unprotected one-night stands, but she treats it all as a funny joke.
- Her physical appearance is declining -- her skin, hair, etc. looks awful.
- She is becoming more scatterbrained and losing her short-term memory -- repeating questions and stories, etc.
- She shows up to social events obviously already drunk.
- She has been known to steal people's alcohol bottles, and was recently caught stealing a friend's pills.
At this point there's no doubt she will suffer physical withdrawal if she stops drinking. But according to her, she only drinks "every once in a while" and doesn't have any problems with it.
We all know that confrontations and interventions are useless when the person a) doesn't acknowledge they have a problem and b) shows no personal desire to change. That description certainly applies to my sister. I know if confronted she would simply get defensive and angry, and cut herself off even more from the family and friends who love her.
We are pretty afraid for both her own safety and that of her young girls, but have no idea how to handle it. Does anyone have any advice?
She is the type who ALWAYS has a beer in her hand. In the past six years I've never ever hung out with her without seeing her drinking. Everyone who knows her is certain she drinks every single night, usually to excess. Every so often that includes blackouts, puking, etc.
None of that is particularly new, but a few of the latest troubling consequences are:
- She's having problems at her office that are apparently close to getting her fired.
- Family members worry about the safety of her children, and the girls are displaying emotional problems, i.e. regressive tantrums, bed-wedding they are too old for.
- She has admitted to recent reckless behavior like shoplifting and unprotected one-night stands, but she treats it all as a funny joke.
- Her physical appearance is declining -- her skin, hair, etc. looks awful.
- She is becoming more scatterbrained and losing her short-term memory -- repeating questions and stories, etc.
- She shows up to social events obviously already drunk.
- She has been known to steal people's alcohol bottles, and was recently caught stealing a friend's pills.
At this point there's no doubt she will suffer physical withdrawal if she stops drinking. But according to her, she only drinks "every once in a while" and doesn't have any problems with it.
We all know that confrontations and interventions are useless when the person a) doesn't acknowledge they have a problem and b) shows no personal desire to change. That description certainly applies to my sister. I know if confronted she would simply get defensive and angry, and cut herself off even more from the family and friends who love her.
We are pretty afraid for both her own safety and that of her young girls, but have no idea how to handle it. Does anyone have any advice?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Hey StonedLove, Welcome to the Forum!! 
It sounds like your sister doesn't see that she has a problem or see that anything needs to change, it's an up hill battle if the person concerned isn't willing to change, all you can do is comment and talk about her drinking, but it's up to her to take the actions required.
For those looking in there is support available, I attended both Al-anon and Alateen when I was younger, my dad was an alcoholic and they provided some great support, and that's important too, support for the family whilst you guys are looking in on your sister.
Finally I would think seriously about her daughters, are they living with her? because if she is drinking everyday then it's not exactly the safest place to be, living with someone with an alcohol addiction, depending where you live in the world, depends on how to approach that issue.
You'll also find loads of support here on SR!!
It sounds like your sister doesn't see that she has a problem or see that anything needs to change, it's an up hill battle if the person concerned isn't willing to change, all you can do is comment and talk about her drinking, but it's up to her to take the actions required.
For those looking in there is support available, I attended both Al-anon and Alateen when I was younger, my dad was an alcoholic and they provided some great support, and that's important too, support for the family whilst you guys are looking in on your sister.
Finally I would think seriously about her daughters, are they living with her? because if she is drinking everyday then it's not exactly the safest place to be, living with someone with an alcohol addiction, depending where you live in the world, depends on how to approach that issue.
You'll also find loads of support here on SR!!
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
The alcoholic is often in a state of psychosis, unable to see reality. We call it denial, but it's not such a conscious thing. Many people tried to help me, but I simply could not see what they were talking about.
The idea of an intervention is to try and break that pschosis, to get past the denial and help the person see their true situation.
It's a risky strategy, one that requires a great deal of skill, and it is often wise to involve a prefessional if you wish to try it. The consequences are unpredictable. Sometimes it works, other times the alcoholic marches right out of everyones lives, blaming the family for all their problems, and , with an intervention, you just have to let them go. And that seems incredibly tough.
We have a saying in AA, carry the message, not the alcoholic. If we keep propping them up and making allowances, they get worse, never better. It often takes something major to go wrong to break down that denial.
A safer course might be to follow an earlier suggestion and go to Alanon. There you can learn how to live your own life in these circumstances, and perhaps be in a better position to help when the time comes.
The idea of an intervention is to try and break that pschosis, to get past the denial and help the person see their true situation.
It's a risky strategy, one that requires a great deal of skill, and it is often wise to involve a prefessional if you wish to try it. The consequences are unpredictable. Sometimes it works, other times the alcoholic marches right out of everyones lives, blaming the family for all their problems, and , with an intervention, you just have to let them go. And that seems incredibly tough.
We have a saying in AA, carry the message, not the alcoholic. If we keep propping them up and making allowances, they get worse, never better. It often takes something major to go wrong to break down that denial.
A safer course might be to follow an earlier suggestion and go to Alanon. There you can learn how to live your own life in these circumstances, and perhaps be in a better position to help when the time comes.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 383
Watching addiction decline into the inevitable losses it brings is very hard for the family. I'm sorry you are having to go through it. There is a natural desire to try and "save" a sister, husband, wife, etc., but unfortunately it can take fairly severe loss for alcoholics to see that change is needed.
The problem is that alcohol has worked as a coping mechanism for her for a long time - she relies on it because it works! Anyone who suggests she give up the one thing that she feels has kept her sane all this time is going to be considered a threat. Of course this isn't healthy (and classic addictive thinking) but that's usually the way it goes.
I would second the idea that you and other concerned family find your local Al-Anon meeting and give it a try. Just google "Al Anon Where and When" for your state or county. They will completely understand what you are going through. There are also professional family counselors who can really help if your health insurance covers counseling.
Al-Anon or a counselor can provide really useful information, as well as give you a safe place to get the emotional support you need in this difficult time. Things may get harder if/when the law intervenes in your sister's life, so if you can get help now it will make that part of the family's life easier. Also, if your sister decides to change down the road and get help (which CAN happen as many folks on this site can attest) you will have some tools to help facilitate her recovery.
The problem is that alcohol has worked as a coping mechanism for her for a long time - she relies on it because it works! Anyone who suggests she give up the one thing that she feels has kept her sane all this time is going to be considered a threat. Of course this isn't healthy (and classic addictive thinking) but that's usually the way it goes.
I would second the idea that you and other concerned family find your local Al-Anon meeting and give it a try. Just google "Al Anon Where and When" for your state or county. They will completely understand what you are going through. There are also professional family counselors who can really help if your health insurance covers counseling.
Al-Anon or a counselor can provide really useful information, as well as give you a safe place to get the emotional support you need in this difficult time. Things may get harder if/when the law intervenes in your sister's life, so if you can get help now it will make that part of the family's life easier. Also, if your sister decides to change down the road and get help (which CAN happen as many folks on this site can attest) you will have some tools to help facilitate her recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Sarajevo
Posts: 76
Confrontation solution
Originally Posted by StonedLove 
My younger sister is an alcoholic who has gradually been losing her grip on reality. She's a 29-yr-old divorced mother of three young girls with a lot on her plate, but she also has a strong support network of family and friends. All of us are concerned, and unsure of how to confront her.
She is the type who ALWAYS has a beer in her hand. In the past six years I've never ever hung out with her without seeing her drinking. Everyone who knows her is certain she drinks every single night, usually to excess. Every so often that includes blackouts, puking, etc.
None of that is particularly new, but a few of the latest troubling consequences are:
- She's having problems at her office that are apparently close to getting her fired.
- Family members worry about the safety of her children, and the girls are displaying emotional problems, i.e. regressive tantrums, bed-wedding they are too old for.
- She has admitted to recent reckless behavior like shoplifting and unprotected one-night stands, but she treats it all as a funny joke.
- Her physical appearance is declining -- her skin, hair, etc. looks awful.
- She is becoming more scatterbrained and losing her short-term memory -- repeating questions and stories, etc.
- She shows up to social events obviously already drunk.
- She has been known to steal people's alcohol bottles, and was recently caught stealing a friend's pills.
At this point there's no doubt she will suffer physical withdrawal if she stops drinking. But according to her, she only drinks "every once in a while" and doesn't have any problems with it.
We all know that confrontations and interventions are useless when the person a) doesn't acknowledge they have a problem and b) shows no personal desire to change. That description certainly applies to my sister. I know if confronted she would simply get defensive and angry, and cut herself off even more from the family and friends who love her.
We are pretty afraid for both her own safety and that of her young girls, but have no idea how to handle it. Does anyone have any advice?
She is the type who ALWAYS has a beer in her hand. In the past six years I've never ever hung out with her without seeing her drinking. Everyone who knows her is certain she drinks every single night, usually to excess. Every so often that includes blackouts, puking, etc.
None of that is particularly new, but a few of the latest troubling consequences are:
- She's having problems at her office that are apparently close to getting her fired.
- Family members worry about the safety of her children, and the girls are displaying emotional problems, i.e. regressive tantrums, bed-wedding they are too old for.
- She has admitted to recent reckless behavior like shoplifting and unprotected one-night stands, but she treats it all as a funny joke.
- Her physical appearance is declining -- her skin, hair, etc. looks awful.
- She is becoming more scatterbrained and losing her short-term memory -- repeating questions and stories, etc.
- She shows up to social events obviously already drunk.
- She has been known to steal people's alcohol bottles, and was recently caught stealing a friend's pills.
At this point there's no doubt she will suffer physical withdrawal if she stops drinking. But according to her, she only drinks "every once in a while" and doesn't have any problems with it.
We all know that confrontations and interventions are useless when the person a) doesn't acknowledge they have a problem and b) shows no personal desire to change. That description certainly applies to my sister. I know if confronted she would simply get defensive and angry, and cut herself off even more from the family and friends who love her.
We are pretty afraid for both her own safety and that of her young girls, but have no idea how to handle it. Does anyone have any advice?
For example. I used to tell my parents that cigarettes and alcohol bother me. However, they would make small adjustments - inhale the smoke "away" from me and telling me "not to drink" when they do (??????)
But what has worked for me was - being as wise as the serpent and as innocent as a dove.
I have long ago read the letter by then University Dean Lyndon Johnson, in response to parents as to enquiring why their children did not turn out what they expected them to turn out after Princeton education.
Well, in short, Mr. Johnson told them in long narrative how he appreciated their good decisions and choices (90% of length of the letter) and concluded that the personal examples of parents had even more influence on their children and if the children turned out unexpectedly unsuccessful, then these personal examples of parents must have been the main reason for it. (10% length of the letter, close to bottom).
See, over a morning coffee, I just casually told my parents that I read this sometime ago. Unexpectedly - I looked at them - and witnessed long silence and could literally see how words sank into their hearts (especially because my younger brother had problem with clinical depression which he cures with alcohol).
Difference from before ? i would bring the topic up but they would :
1. Dilute it. "It is not that bad. Everyone has some bad habit"
2. Justify it. "Do you want to look at how much effort I make at the job that I don't love, in order to put the food on the table from which you eat ?"
3. Fight back. "Who are you to tell me ?"
4. Dismiss it. "I just don't want to talk about it."
Please note that in my case, there was family reunion of 7 years break in relationship (I left - I made parent abandonment) and after God asked me to contact them again, I came with a solution : I asked them to repent of their sin and trust Jesus.
Point is - what'sthe real root of your problem ? I just know for sure it is not alcohol. In 100% of cases - it is the relationship with God.
What type of relationship with God did your parents have ? Confront them with it! Talking about alcohol won't get you anywhere in confrontation. Satan loves it and it will only deteriorate your position further and actually add worry to you and the rest of your family.
A Day at a Time
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
I doubt there is much you could say or do to help her other than to have a family talk with her.
My concern is for the children. They are in a dangerous environment and some type of intervention needs to take place on their behalf
My concern is for the children. They are in a dangerous environment and some type of intervention needs to take place on their behalf
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 370
My take is this, if you say nothing you can be sure you will not have a positive impact on the situation. If it were me I would confront her directly (not hostile) and let her know you are there for her when she is ready to do something about it. If she is declining as you say, she will hit bottom and consider a change. If you have extended the offer to help, she will be more likely to seek it when the time is right for her. But you know from your own experience she needs to arrive at that on her own.
I sought advice in the beginning from a couple sober friends, they helped me find my new path. And since I have become sober, I've had a couple friends that know they have a problem seek my advice.
I sought advice in the beginning from a couple sober friends, they helped me find my new path. And since I have become sober, I've had a couple friends that know they have a problem seek my advice.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4
Family members are discussing an intervention, and we're in the process of picking a facility. We have at least 10 people (both family and close friends of my sister's) who want to be involved for an intervention.
I know a gathering of that many people who love her will at least get her attention. She'll know it's for real. She will also pay attention when we tell her we fear for the kids' safety. She loves her girls, of course, and will take seriously any threat of losing them.
However, I fully expect her to kick and scream, deny that she has a problem, and most likely reject the opportunity to go to rehab. I also expect that she'll make personal attacks at many of us. I know when I've tried to raise the topic of drinking in the past, she just turns it around on me -- points out that I drink, too, brings up mistakes I've made in the past, etc.
If my sister does reject rehab, a couple of us in the family are questioning whether we need to take actions with the children, i.e. insisting that they stay in another family member's home. (Possibly mine.)
It's a tough situation and I'm not looking forward to it.
I know a gathering of that many people who love her will at least get her attention. She'll know it's for real. She will also pay attention when we tell her we fear for the kids' safety. She loves her girls, of course, and will take seriously any threat of losing them.
However, I fully expect her to kick and scream, deny that she has a problem, and most likely reject the opportunity to go to rehab. I also expect that she'll make personal attacks at many of us. I know when I've tried to raise the topic of drinking in the past, she just turns it around on me -- points out that I drink, too, brings up mistakes I've made in the past, etc.
If my sister does reject rehab, a couple of us in the family are questioning whether we need to take actions with the children, i.e. insisting that they stay in another family member's home. (Possibly mine.)
It's a tough situation and I'm not looking forward to it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,805
StonedLove, when I confronted my alcoholic mom on her drinking, she quickly jumped on the times I acted the drunken fool. I only answered calmly that she is right, I was obnoxious, that drunkenness is obnoxious, dangerous and unhealthy and I wished she had called me out on it when I was behaving that way. She didn't have any good retort to that. BTW, I have been sober almost nine months and my mom is still an active alcoholic. 
I will keep you in my prayers that your sister is open to what you all have to say to her.
I will keep you in my prayers that your sister is open to what you all have to say to her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 4
I'll be honest, I can't imagine my sister without drinking and I don't even believe it's possible for her. That mountain just seems too high. Personally I think the goal should be giving her a wakeup call that she's taken things too far, and putting her on a path toward moderation.
I just doubt any rehab facility or treatment plan will take that approach. And who knows if moderation is realistic after crossing the line into legit alcoholism. But I know in the past, she was reasonable with drinking, even in her college days. She'd drink maybe three times a week, never to excess. She was often the one taking care of drunk friends.
After her divorce, and dealing with the burdens of raising three kids as a single mom and having a dead-end job, she started to sink into excessive drinking. Which brings us to the present state, where she's drunk from 5 pm onward every single day, hiding bottles to cover her tracks, etc.
I just doubt any rehab facility or treatment plan will take that approach. And who knows if moderation is realistic after crossing the line into legit alcoholism. But I know in the past, she was reasonable with drinking, even in her college days. She'd drink maybe three times a week, never to excess. She was often the one taking care of drunk friends.
After her divorce, and dealing with the burdens of raising three kids as a single mom and having a dead-end job, she started to sink into excessive drinking. Which brings us to the present state, where she's drunk from 5 pm onward every single day, hiding bottles to cover her tracks, etc.
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