LadyBlue0527

How is it that as humans we flock to people that bring us to repeat the same pattern in relationships? Even if we remove ourselves from a relationship for a very specific reason how is it that months down the road we will find ourselves in another relationship with the same exact problems? I've done it, all 4 of my serious relationships in life are with people who had almost the same core set of problems. It boggles the mind. I didn't meet someone new and say "hey, here are the red flags so I should walk away.". Are we addicted to the "sameness" subconsciously and we don't even realize it?

It's like this big practical joke magnet that attracts us to that which hurts us the most without us even knowing it.

This blew my mind yesterday. Names are being changed just because who knows what ever can come up on an internet search.

Nadine: A longtime prior coworker that looks to me like a mother.
Tom: Nadine's brother who did a 5 year stint in jail for drugs and who has had serious relationship issues in the past
Mary: My 26 year old niece
Cathy: My niece Mary's best friend

I get a text from Nadine the other day asking me how I know Cathy, she must have seen her on my FB friends list. I tell her that she's my niece's best friend. She says "She's dating my brother Tom". Now, I have known Cathy for a long time through my niece. She is this drop dead gorgeous good girl who is a sweetheart. In my mind when I heard that she was dating Nadine's brother I thought "eeeeeek". So I decided to be honest with Nadine. I said "I really hope your brother sees Cathy for what she is, she is a good girl, she's a sweetheart and very nice, a hard worker, she is the marrying kind, a keeper". Nadine responds and tells me that she appreciates my honesty and that she has told her brother that she hopes that this turns things around for him and that it works out.

I text my niece and I say "Your friend Cathy is dating my friend Nadine's brother. She says "I know, I seriously hope this works out for Cathy, she just got out of a 9 year relationship with a bad boyfriend". I shuddered to ask but I did anyway and asked her what happened. Her answer? "He was really into drugs and had a lot of trouble with the law"



Thus the basis for my post. She left a relationship for a reason and is now into another that's destined to possibly be the same. I hope and pray not but from what Nadine has said Tom is still having issues with staying clean and out of trouble.

How on earth do we somehow seek the same people out? Why don't we learn from past mistakes?

It truly is mind boggling.

IOAA2

"How on earth do we somehow seek the same people out? Why don't we learn from past mistakes?

It truly is mind boggling. "

I won’t go there but I imagine someone who could come up with a patented answer could become as wealthy as one who could cure the common cold.

BE WELL

Aellyce

Hi LB,

We had a little discussion on this phenomenon here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4704312

The whole thread was interesting, I think, but scroll down and read the posts from below mine. It's a very well known phenomenon, you can read about it online, there are many sources. Really not easy to break that sort of "magnetism".

DoubleDragons

LadyBlue, for me I have finally realized in my mid-life that I tend to attract needy, damaged people (and pets for that matter) into my life. (more women than men?!?) The untrained, arm chair psychologist in me thinks this has to do with not being able to help my mother and my sister with their troubles, so I keep on trying with other people. Also I think there is a very needy part of me that has the idea that my needs will be filled if I "fix" enough people and their problems. Karma maybe?!? Anyway, now that I have become aware and that I have taken ownership in the part that I play in my relationships, I hope to break the pattern and to attract healthier people into my life. Healthy attracts healthy.

Aellyce

My own version of this thing is that as far as I remember, I've always been most intensely attracted to people in whom I perceive similar traits as some of mine. Plus (or including) that, these are usually highly analytical and critical thinkers, often overly critical... also about me. I used to think and tell myself constantly that such people are good for me because their attitudes help me improve and develop myself in many ways. This can be good, if it's in a healthy range, but I did hook up with some people who were not really in the healthy range with this, and then it's more like a masochistic exercise because a few of these people tended to be hypocritical actually, targeting others but not that much themselves.

I also know very clearly how this developed: it's related to some early childhood bullying that went on for years, and it affected my self image and self-esteem heavily. Really pretty damn hard to get out of this despite of understanding it well. I'm much better now than before, but still I recognize the pattern (of attraction) all the time. Again, it's not necessarily bad, because I am indeed quite compatible with people with critical thinking, but I need to make sure it's balanced, not exaggerated, and not irrational.

Also, too much similarity between two people is not the best combo for intimate relationships, I think. It can be great for work or friendships, though, in my experience, that involve less irrational emotional components. Either that, or if it's a closer connection, I think we're better to be both pretty healthy mentally.

FT

Hi LB,

It really is not mind boggling at all. It is extremely simple and logical.

It is called "the path of least resistance" and it is a phenomenon found in all of nature. Patterns are repeated because they are the familiar, the "easy" route. Even though those routes certainly do NOT make one's life easy. Just the opposite.

It begins as children, which is why addicts/alcoholics should try to be sober parents and teach good coping skills. From a very young age, our patterns are formed, and what we observe around us becomes our "normal." If your "normal" is disturbed and abnormal relationships and poor role models, as a child you do not realize that others' lives are not the same as yours is. To you, this is just life.

We continue forming patterns into adulthood, generally on the same paths we learned as children.

Your pattern of abusive or abnormal relationships is YOUR "normal." That is why you repeat it.

With effort, you can change that. Looking back is easy, 20-20 so to speak. Looking forward and making a conscious effort to alter the pattern takes effort. It can be done.

Hopefully, all parents reading here will take heed of what they are demonstrating to their children as "normal" behavior. You can't hide it. Kids are remarkably perceptive and aware of more than you realize.

fini

yes, for me it makes sense that repeating is "easy", easier than the new and uncomfortable. the familiar is safer, no matter how bad.
but there's also this thing called the "repetition compulsion", which i will now look up on google, so i don't make a fool of myself. i think it has to do with wishing to complete something..?

http://www.google.ca/url?sa=t&rct=j&...69411363,d.cGU

well okay; that clears things up

i've noticed that i repeat and repeat because i want a different result; sound familiar? i seem to think that in some instances i can make changes in how i act and thereby influence the end result so that it's not the same.
as if that would heal the original ****.

zjw

I dont get it. I attract the expert types who generally like to keep me 1 step below them so they can continually educate me and push there words of wisdom on the lesser person with them me in this case. I see strong parrells like this a lot.

In my case when i sobered up I started to realize these types of people in my life did a lot at frustrating me and making me feel lesser and crummy all the time. I always played along with them just because I was being respectful and polite and heck sometimes i did learn something and was happy for that. But I also would get annoyed at the constant education they always felt i needed. Everyone likes to "learn me this" "learn me that" if you will.

When ever i get confident about something these types drop off in my life. I guess they feel threatened I dunno and it generally causes some passive aggressive abraision of sorts or something I dunno i guess you could say you can sense the tension in the air. As I got more confident from being sober they all dropped out.

Now I only have 1 left. I keep this one around because we've been friends for so long. But sometimes I think I might be better off if i let this one drop out somehow too I just cant bring myself to pull the trigger per say. I dont want to be the bad guy and most of the time its not a bad thing but yes sometimes it is.

In my case I almost feel like I see people attract others who want to be better then them. This way they can look down on all the people surrounding them and feel better about themselves. Or at least this is how the view has always looked from where i sat in life.

IE the pretty girl likes to have a bunch of ugly girl friends. or The wealthy guy might surround himself with those that are not as wealthy. This allow sthem to elevate themselves etc.. and feel better about themselves.

I might be totally wrong.
I also see people attract the same types of abusers time and time again.

Again for me sobering up and gaining my confidence was a game changer. But I still have not yet figured out where i fit in as i really dont have any friends outside of a few online and thats it.

Boobooka

Wow. I hear you on that. I'm sorry that happened to you

I'm curious …

I wonder how many of us here were bullied as children? Or abused? I have a friend who thinks being bullied or abused becomes "normal" to us on some level to the degree we feel odd without it. In addition to making sure there is always one or more bullies or abusers in our lives, we begin to bully [self-hatred] and abuse [w/ destructive substances] ourselves. Sometimes, I think she's right.

Gottalife

When drinking I had a pattern of hooking up with very unsuitable people. Usually people with similar problems to mine who would tolerate my behaviour. When I first got sober the pattern continued and I was briefly involved with about the most unsuitable woman in AA. It didn't last long.

While this was happening I was working the steps and never lost sight if my real mission in AA, to find this Power that would solve my problem.

Reading this thread it has just occurred to me that a change happened in this area for me. I had been working step nine when I had a spiritual experience. I just realised that from that point on, I no longer got involved with problem women. All my girlfriends, my late wife, and current partner are just wonderfully normal people without issues.

I wonder if that was because the spiritual experience changed my attitudes.

FT

You are spot on.

It sounds like you are experiencing some very nice personal growth to me.

FlyerFan

Why do we touch the stove to see if it is really hot? Why do we touch a wall that says "warning, wet paint"?

Cunning, baffling, powerful :P

zjw

yeah well what moron looked at the bucket of rotted bubbling grapes thought gee i wonder what that tastes like and was the first human to get drunk puke and then what? Do it again ?

shouldnt they have said gee that bubbling vile stinky stuff looks gross i'm not drinking that go pitch that in the woods. Or if they where so thirsty that they had to drink it wouldnt the taste have made them not want to take more then just a small sip but then when they drank to much got drunk then sick and felt horrible WHY ON EARTH did they pick it up and do it again!

The above makes no rational sense But I'm guilty! *sigh*