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screwed up and lost sponsor had to get a new one didnt drink or use

Old 06-17-2014, 02:09 PM
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screwed up and lost sponsor had to get a new one didnt drink or use

I had to be honest with my sponsor and come clean with her I betrayed her trust and invaded her privacy by running a background check on her. I told her about it she was pissed at me and told me she doesn't want to be my sponsor no more. So we parted on bad terms. I asked this girl to be my temporary sponsor because she is always brutally honest with me and others and knows the big book so well and the steps. I need a tough ass for a sponsor. I feel like I am being disloyal but I need a sponsor otherwise I am going to drink.

I really screwed up this time and betrayed her trust I have known my past sponsor for a year and a little more so I should have trusted her more. I just ruined things and am devastated we will never be friends anymore.
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Old 06-17-2014, 02:09 PM
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My friend Sugguested I need outside help that I have another issue besides being bipolar.
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Old 06-17-2014, 02:12 PM
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Sorry to hear that Anoronha. I'm not familiar with the etiquette within AA and hope you can find a new sponsor soon.
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Old 06-17-2014, 02:35 PM
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I'm thinking dee or one of the other mods will move this to the twelve step forum.....

But, I can tell you I have done some digging regarding people who have sponsored me. When I was in college, we could check reviews of profs. College wasn't life or death. Recovery is. Do you believe in your heart that what you did was wrong. 8 can't answer for you. But, I will ask you another question. Do you believe it's wrong to make someone aware of something that could possibly upset them while keeping if secret might not have hurt them? These are tough questions. I believe that if you think you were wrong and/caused harm, try to right the wrong as best you can. At the snd of the day, you have to move on from the situation so you can move forward with recovery. It probAbly won't be the only mistake you'll make on recovery and life. What, if anything, can you learn from it?

Mistakes happen. Nobody is perfect.
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Old 06-17-2014, 02:43 PM
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I see no harm done, but that is my opinion. My sponsor reminds me we are an open book (includes them)......

We are alkies, I see no harm in protecting self, not sure if confessing to her was useful or not, though, some things can be private without harming us or others.....
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Old 06-17-2014, 02:54 PM
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I don't know about that, everywhere we go and whatever we do nowadays we are subjected to major invasion of privacy. I cannot blame the woman:; I would be absolutely livid too if I spent time helping someone and they payed me back by distrusting me and snooping on me and I would definitely not want that person in my life.
I think you might want to sit and reflect on what possessed you to do that, how you would feel if a sponsee of yours did that and more importantly:
Why did you chose to work closely about sensitive issues with someone you feel a need to run a background check on.
There is really not much you can do now to mend the friendship, maybe down the line you can make some sincere amends to your former sponsor.
This is not the first time you post about making some bad mistakes when it comes to your relationship with close friends...relationship and trust issues might be something that you might want to look into whether with a therapist or during your 4th.
Anyway, next time before you do something pause and think: where are you coming from, why are you doing it and more importantly how would you feel if someone did that to you.

I hope it works out great with the new lady, she sounds really competent
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Old 06-17-2014, 03:02 PM
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What did the "background check" entail?
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Old 06-17-2014, 03:40 PM
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I just wrote about it in detail what my motives were and am going to share it with my new sponsor.
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Old 06-17-2014, 03:45 PM
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Originally Posted by Anoronha View Post

I had to be honest with my sponsor and come clean with her I betrayed her trust and invaded her privacy by running a background check on her. I told her about it she was pissed at me and told me she doesn't want to be my sponsor no more.
Well that would not have rocked my boat and I'm not sure why it rocked hers.

Sounds like it's time to move on.

After a few lightweight Sponsors I also was looking for a man this time that would not let me BS him. I found the old boy. I love that guy. prox 9 years

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Old 06-17-2014, 04:08 PM
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I have run backround checks on people who were potentially going to be involved in my life and have access to me etc. I think it makes sense. Like for someone I was dating.

I read your threads for a long time. There is always drama. Find a sponsor who is solid and calm and doesn't have time for drama, so you won't keep getting distracted.

I had a drama sponsor and it was all over the place, then I got an old timer who was not easily flustered, and my real work began. Someone who doesn't take the up and down behavior of a newly sober person personally.
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Old 06-17-2014, 04:15 PM
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So did she come back clean? Doing a background check on someone that you are choosing to help you in that way doesn't really sound like a terrible thing to me. You should have been upfront with her about it from the start. I don't think you have all the burden on you for the meltdown of that friendship.
Back in my drinking days one of my friends and I found a site where you could do free searches on people. We put everyone we knew in that site. Only one of our friends even came back with something and she took crap from us. She wasn't mad.
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Old 06-17-2014, 04:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post
This is not the first time you post about making some bad mistakes when it comes to your relationship with close friends...relationship and trust issues might be something that you might want to look into whether with a therapist or during your 4th.
also no mention of where yer HP is in this, anoronha, which seems to be rather common in your threads.it could be something that outside help is necessary, but It seems to me there is also a matter of practicing the principles of the program in your affairs. im sure the thought of a background check didn't pop into your head and you went right into action doin one. there was probably some time there to do a background check on yourself- as in working the steps on it and also talkin to your sponsor about it.
work the program as in.

In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.
What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.


are you relying on your thinkin or are you turning to god, asking him, and waiting for an answer?
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Old 06-17-2014, 06:51 PM
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I am not sure what you mean by background check, but I do think this sounds intrusive. It looks like I am in the minority. If you had told her upfront I think that would have been much less intrusive, but digging around for details without giving her the knowledge is in my opinion a betrayal of trust. Interesting how others don't seem to agree though!
Did you consider telling her upfront?
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Old 06-17-2014, 08:00 PM
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Back in my drinking days one of my friends and I found a site where you could do free searches on people. We put everyone we knew in that site.
That's the kind of sick crap I would have pulled before I got to Al Anon and worked the steps.
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Old 06-17-2014, 08:26 PM
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Whoa Whoa and Whoa. It was for fun. It is public record...who gives a crap.
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Old 06-18-2014, 06:42 PM
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Whether we like it or not, the information we can assess while doing background checks is all public information, and easily accessible online.

My gut reaction is that doing a background check on a potential sponsor is an excellent idea. You will know if the person has ever been arrested for any violent crime or sexual assault. These things are important to know when you're letting someone you don't really know into your life.
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Old 06-18-2014, 06:47 PM
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My gut reaction is that doing a background check on a potential sponsor is an excellent idea
the keyword here is potential. I don't think it is appropriate to do that with someone who has been a friend for over a year.
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Old 06-18-2014, 07:30 PM
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Originally Posted by Carlotta View Post
the keyword here is potential. I don't think it is appropriate to do that with someone who has been a friend for over a year.
Good point. That's why I sometimes sometimes mistrust my initial "gut" reactions.

I suppose it comes down to motive. If there are safety concerns about an individual, I can't fault someone for gathering additional information, no matter how long the relationship. If the reason for the check was other, well I don't know exactly how I feel about that

Anyway, that's my 2 cents.
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