caboblanco

well acceptance is the bugger..isn't it...acceptance for life that is.

jdooner

Once you truly and honestly accept in yourself for who you are good and bad you will enjoy a peace and serenity that I believe is the happiness I searching for all along. Its the faith that I have that I will always get what I need, which not always what I may want, if I do the next right thing. With this comes a realization that to be authentic and honest you cannot do certain things because you have accepted certain facts about yourself.

This has been my experience.

ImperfectlyMe

^^^ soooo true.

It's the grass is greener phenomenon. I'd bet when you were unable to stay sober you couldn't imagine living your life in that state forever.

For me and I don't follow a "program" sometimes I remove the word forever and magically when the pressure of the impending "forever" is removed voila sobriety doesn't seem like such a challenge.

My guess on you Mr. Cabo is you are in some sort of uncomfortable transition, may have everything or nothing to do with alcohol. But those of us with the propensity go right to that line of thinking. Sounds like you are pretty in tune with your inner dialog, which is where relapse happens.

caboblanco

I do the same. One of my issues is the better i feel..physically and mentally..especially after my hard drinking times...I feel like a new man. i feel much better now..then 4 years ago when i was in it. I harder for me to

convince myself that I need to be sober for life..my relapse danger is mostly when feeling good..and balanced..i believe. that may seem ironic..but if I feel like poop the last thing I want to do is have a drink. it's the other way

ScottFromWI

I accept that I cannot drink responsibly or control my drinking. It's not something I've accepted for a certain period of time, it is something that just IS. I also accept that i will never be able to drink responsibly.

I think that's different than saying "I will never drink again for life" - because none of us can absolutely control 100% of what happens for the rest of our lives. I don't PLAN on drinking ever again, but that doesn't mean that there isn't a chance that it will happen again. The majority of addicts don't stay sober for the rest of their lives, so it would be foolhardy for me to assume that I"m somehow different.

Aellyce

I never had problem thinking "never again" since I firmly decided to quit a bit less than 5 months ago. I like the definitive decision. I have no positive feelings about drinking remaining in me whatsoever. Cravings yes, but if I stand back and am honest, no nostalgia, no romanticism, really nothing attractive about drinking anymore for me. I absolutely despise how drinking affected me and my life in the last years and I don't think it could ever be different for me. Maybe I'll have to struggle with these at a later time, that I cannot predict. For now, I'm done forever.

In fact, when I learned about the "one day at a time" idea of recovery, I personally felt I would have a problem with that approach... would make me too nervous. I don't want to re-evaluate this decision ever and I hope it stays that way.

NoJimmy

My signature line is borrowed from a guy I heard in a meeting. I can't remember the exact story now, but the line below was something I locked onto. It's how I short circuit that internal negotiation process. Might seem overly simplistic, but it works for me. Forever seems like a long time, I have to climb that mountain 10 feet at a time.

GwenCummings

If you have a problem with saying forever then don't say forever because you aren't ready and you will scare yourself.

The voice that wants you to drink is bringing this up to try to weaken your resolve. When you are ready to feel the Forever Feeling, you will. For now... just don't drink today. XXX

AnyLengths

I am not newly sober but I still can only do this one day at a time (from earlier reply):

"I am newly sober and have to maintain sobriety a day at a time."

It has never gotten more complicated than this for me. I sincerely don't believe I have the ability to stay sober 2 or more days at a time.

Over the years the desire to drink, and use drinking as a solution to problems -- even problems that didn't exist -- has been replaced with gratitude, serenity and other stuff I had no idea existed. It did not happen overnight and I did not bring about that change, nor did I sit down in early sobriety and conjure up images of how I wanted to change and what I wanted to change into.

The option of drinking is not on the table today because a change took place. I don't believe I had anything to do with that change except be willing to show up and begrudgingly follow some suggestions that I thought were beyond stupid. But the level of pain and discomfort was great enough that I tried. Begrudgingly. Even though I knew the suggestions were stupid. And with the reservation that I could form a sincere resentment and a huge case of "I Told You So" when the suggestions didn't work.

But I'll be damned if they didn't work. Every one of them.

My all-time favorite singer/songwriter/musician is a guy named Martin Zellar, who is not in recovery but has plenty of songs with recovery and drinking. He wrote a song called "Ten Year Coin" you can listen to from link below. It's all about change, even though the subject in the song did not change and drank again. Without ALLOWING change to happen, I believe I would have drank again. Without willingness to continue to change and roll with punches, I believe I will drink again. I have no desire to flip one of my medallions on a bartop as a tip, figuratively or literally.

Today, drinking is not an option and I have no reason to believe I will drink today. Just like yesterday and the 4984 days before yesterday. Tomorrow could be a different rodeo, but have plenty of today left to enjoy.

Here is the link to the song if you'd like to listen. The lyrics are below as this live version isn't easy to hear all the words.

Thanks for the topic today - Don't know if it will help anyone else but it helped me!

Martin Zellar Music | Official Website | Martin Zellar

LYRICS
I stood up from that barstool
Just a half a drink away from being sick
I reached into my pocket
Pulled my ten year coin out
And left it for a tip
I tried to clear my head and figure out
Just where the hell it all went wrong
I can’t say I’m surprised it’s come to this
I’m just surprised it took this long

For all these years I’ve lived in fear
That what I was might be what I really am
Ain’t no one bought this good guy bit
I’m a piece of s**t
The whole thing’s been a sham
When I was younger I used to wonder
What could cause a man to just lie down and die
I wish that I was younger still
And I wish that I still had to wonder why

I’ve got a wife and kid at home
They ain’t never seen this ugly side of me
I gave my life to Jesus six years back
But you know they’ve only known me three
When I was younger I used to wonder
What could ever bring a man to want to kill
It scares the s**t right out of me to admit
That I don’t have to wonder still

I thought this would be devastating
But you know, I feel relieved
The hardest part was breaking all the hearts
Of all those people who believed
Please, dear God, I’m on my knees
Just tell me where the hell it all went wrong
I can’t say I’m surprised it’s come to this
I’m just surprised it took this long

leviathan

cabo. I have had difficulty with this. the AA "one day at a time" thing is great. I used that until I could be more comfortable with the long term commitment. got me through the earliest stage, while waiting for my chemistry to equalize a bit.

I made it top priority to figure out whether I was going to make the big commitment, though. no use stringing myself along, and becoming "common law sober". LOL! I just needed to really deal with this, finally. of course, I had already played all the games, and I knew that.

the key to the commitment (i REALLY believe this) is honest inventory. i learned this from RR, and stuff freshstart57 had posted. I listed all the positives about drinking, honestly. then, i listed all the negatives. when i tallied it up, i found that i was better without. like for real! if i choose to drink (even in moderation. HA!), i lose. also, the benefit column was not that impressive.

my new identification as a non-drinker is still sinking in. just because its new. accepting the above conclusion has released me from pining for the bottle, and feeling like im missing out. i just simply AM NOT. -as i figure it, at the age of 44, ive already drank about three or four "normal" lifetime allotments of liquor, beer and wine.

zjw

when i first quit the idea of never seemed unfathomable. now 3 years later i'm like wtvr never again? ok thats fine. I poured my homemade wine down the drain about 2 years in and I thougth about all the good times I coulda had. I also thought about all the bad times i woulda had too. I thought this just isnt for me anymore. never again is fine cause doing it again is just not something i wanna go through again.

I got bit once I dont wanna get bit again if i can help it.

I hope i've learned my lesson.

fini

It sounds absurd in early recovery but i'm going to have to find a way to make peace with this "forever" thing.

cabo,

doesn't sound absurd to me at all. i needed to make peace with that from just before day one. i couldn't have had my day one without peace with and acceptance of the 'never again'.
otherwise, there would have been no point to day one.

none of this means i don't do this in real life one day at a time.


hm...maybe it's comparable to how i go for hikes: i know where i'm going to end up, where i want to end up, and so that's the goal, achieved by a whole number of steps.
but i don't put on my boots and say "let's go" to my dog and then start aimlessly wandering on the mountain.

but: i do think it can be done without that, since obviously if you commit to staying sober today, each today will add up to that.

KAD

I don't have any problem at all saying it. I've said it a hundred times. Actually sticking to it is where the problem comes in. But I can say, these last few drinking episodes have gotten worse and worse, and some have been downright terrifying. This last one had me putting my house key under the front door mat in case I had to call the paramedics in the night so they wouldn't have to break my door down. It got that scary. I learned a lot from this last experience, and I don't think I'm going to forget it anytime soon.

SonomaGal

I definitely struggled with this but here's what I've come up with:

1) today is now, and when tomorrow happens it will be now, and eventually next week and next year will be now too. Forever is way too abstract for our brains to understand, so the AV will use that to make you feel unsure. But really all you have to do is stay sober today (in the now), and keep repeating that.

2) the Chinese proverb says when is the best time to plant a tree? 20 years ago. When is the other best time to plant a tree? Today.

Try not to let the the past or future inhibit your ability to reach for the peace that sobriety offers.

Soberpotamus

I think I've eased into "forever." I'm nearing 450 days sober and I guess it was finally cemented in my brain or conscience that I truly am addicted and an alcoholic around the year mark. I knew a lot of things in my head. I understood a lot. But connecting all of that knowledge with my feelings has taken longer. It's taken around a year to connect those dots.

I see it as a condition or disorder. Dis-order. Dis-ease. I don't get hung up on semantics or science anymore, try not to anyway. Since there is this condition in my brain and body (because they're connected), and perhaps in my "spirit"... whatever that really is... I have finally been able to accept I will need to keep vigilance long-term. I can no longer drink. I can no longer make excuses to drink. There are plenty of reasons and excuses to drink... none of them can apply to me any longer.

I see it also in a sense of maturation, growth, phasing out of a stage or period in my life and moving into another. This is a positive framework that helps me a lot.

SoberCAH

I hope I don't drink for the rest of my life.

I still don't look out too far, in large part because I don't make a lot of plans for the distant future anyway.

Cow

"never again" is my "happily ever after".

scintillady

At this point I don't resign myself to NEVER having another drink. The idea is just too restrictive to me at this point. I hope I won't, and I hope I can keep up this sober existence, but at this point I'm not ready to say NEVER. Right now I'm at the point where I can say "the next 2 weeks at a time" due to the fact that I've been religiously taking my antabuse evey day and plan to continue to take it every day. It takes the unpredictability out of it. If I'm going to drink I have to plan for it 2 weeks ahead of time, and I've never been a long-term planner. More of a spur of the moment type person. I have worked with people who have their whole dinner menus planned for weeks at a time, and since I drive by 3 or more stores on the way home from work I have at least until I come to the last store to make up my mind what to have that night. At this time I have no plans to drink again, but for me to rule it out would be to rule out a part of my life that I don't know if I can ever truly rule out forever. I am at 30 days alcohol free, and my record has been 6 weeks, so I know I'm going to beat my previous record, that's a given, done deal. It's getting easier the longer I go, so maybe I will be sober forever, just not willing to say so yet.

FT

Being a non-drinker is not just a state of abstinence, it is a form of self-identification. As a non-drinker/non-substance-user, the mind shift to owning that new identity did take me about three years of daily self-talk to combat my addictive voice that did not give up trying to convince me I did the wrong thing.

I've noticed that in early recovery, a lot of addicts seem to focus on this "never" thing. I arrived at my decision to be a non-drinker after many years of "moderate drinking trials", and many failed attempts to quit. "Never again" did not enter into my mind set. I can drink any time I want to and I doubt anyone would notice. But I would.

Some people become vegetarian after being told they will die if they keep eating fatty steaks and fried chicken, and it probably takes them awhile to get used to it, too.

My decision was just as vital to my future health and well being as that vegetarian's.

As a non-drinker, I can drink any time I want. No one would stop me. It's my choice and I choose not to do it.

courage2

I think about staying sober beyond today, like staying sober on a planned trip, working to accomplish goals that I can only reach if I stay sober. But i don't try to predict what turns my life will take, and there is a path, not a good one but I could go there, where I would drink again.

So for me, I hope that it's "never again for life". I don't wish to be in a situation ever again that would make me think drinking is better than sobriety.