zjw

yeah thing is he'd tell me he doesnt have a substance abuse problem and from my perspective it doesnt seem that his problem is as bad as mine was. but now when i listen to him these days I think i'm hearing myself speak back when i had a problem. The negative that flows forth is awful there is never anything positive to discuss. and I find that i'm way more negative when i have a dialog with this person IE he brings out the worst in me. I walk away thinking wow what i just said and how i feel gee i'm not that negative am i? I almost feel worse I do better coping with whatever issue it is and then putting it away rather then hashing it out ad infinitum with him. he gets to leave the dialog and smoke / drink it off I dont.

Funny thing is i sometimes want to reach out to him and recomend perhaps he sober up and i do allude to this to him a lot but like you said he is clueless. its true.

FT

Now that's just pure crap, ya know?

When I quit drinking, the ONLY people who "cared" (i.e. did not like it) were the guys who felt insecure in THEIR OWN drinking.

Some people who wish they could quit drinking feel threatened by those who have quit. Those are the guys who "want you back" in the club they wish they did not belong to.

"Normal" drinkers don't care whether others are drinking or not, and they don't need to make a comment. If they inadvertently offer you a drink, unaware that you are a nondrinker, they don't keep offering, and they certainly do not encourage you to take a drink or smoke a joint.

The guy probably feels threatened by your success.

zjw

yeah I cant help but wonder. I've found that to be true with many other people. You start doing good things in your life and people work pretty hard to try and pull you back down to there level or lower (so they can be better then you). Thats one reason I've lost so many friends since I sobered up etc... People wanted to pull me back and I kept charging forward people didnt like that. Drinking buddies and non drinking buddies they all had a comfortable role in my circle that meshed well with where I placed. Soon as I sobered up and got some confidence etc.. things started to change.

ScottFromWI

Don't forget that a lot of the things that change are for the better too. I lost acquaintances who I considered my friends while I was actively drinking, but looking back the only thing we had in common was drinking. Do i miss them, sure - they were fun guys. But I also have started building a network of friend that I do things with more often that are not always drinking. It just takes some time.

There will always be people in your life that will say dumb things or act in a way that you don't understand though -and it's important to remember that you cannot change how they think or how they act - only how you respond. And many times not responding at all is the best option ;-)

Joe Nerv

One of my best buddies wound up drinking over this. A friend had butt dialed him and followed with a conversation about how my pal needs to lighten up, have a drink once in a while, etc. The conversation he overheard was with a woman he really liked, too. The stinger on that one went deep. And while this guy had 23 years of sobriety he actually didn't do a whole lot more than just attend meetings. Anyhow, it's now about 7 years later and he's still drinking. And not having a good go of it.

I don't hang out with people who get drunk and high. I have friends who do, but they do it on their own time. Not when they're hanging with me. Drinking and smoking never helped me unwind. It wound me tighter. I'd sometimes get some temporary relief, but it was always compounded the next day.

There are lots of tools I acquired in AA. Tools that were useless if I didn't practice using them. Things get better if we keep diligent about our growth. I'm not peaceful and happy 24/7, but I learned how to chill out when I have to... And I wouldn't trade my range of emotions for any high in the world. I'm was happy when I learned to feel again. It's so much more interesting and entertaining than numbing out.

HeyStoopid

Politely get rid of that 'friend'. My sponsor told me that when he quit, one of his drinking buddies said him, "When you're ready to drink again, give me a call." His response was basically "OK, sure. Have a nice life." They haven't spoken since.

tomsteve

"when someone tells you you should have a drink to lighten up what do you do?"

i had that happen a few years ago. pretty stressful work situation and someone that didn't know i was in recovery said something very similar. my reply:
"you don't have enough alcohol ."
his reply:
"theres more at the store."
which i replied;
"they dont have enough."
pretty much ended the conversation and we went back to work. it did relieve some of the stress of the situation,though, when i could see he was really pondering what i said.

FT

I grew up watching black and white movies that taught me early on that all stressful situations concluded with, "I need a drink." (John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart, Maureen O'Hara, Edward G. Robinson, and the list goes on.)

And I believed it, too!

Undoing what a child perceives as "normal" behavior can take a long time.

Many years ago, I followed what I thought was normal behavior and truly felt I "deserved" a drink after a hard days' work.

My liquor store didn't have enough alcohol in it either.

dox

How can your friend get the idea that you need to lighten up if you only communicate in black and white, silent type?

And how can you be sure that he was serious about suggesting that you have a drink?

With no tone of voice or facial expressions, this is a third class way of communicating at best. Maybe you do need to lighten up . . .

about what people (including me) say over the internet.

But, you definitely don't need to have a drink or a drug in response to anything said in this way.

As honest and open as folk are, here on SR, this is still only representation of the real world.
Your email communications with your friend are similarly flawed IMHO.

Or maybe you are using something like Skype; in which case . . .
never mind.