newwestdork

Had a work function that involved going to the pub and having "a few drinks" to see off a coworker. Fast-forward to 1am and I'm off in a bar, drunk, having neglected to let my wife know that I was safe. She's understandably furious.

I keep falling into the mindset that I can drink in moderation, and I keep getting myself into trouble as a result. You'd think that I'd learn, but apparently not.

I've recommitted to abstaining from alcohol but frankly saying that rings a bit hollow - I've done that before only to start drinking again "in moderation." Not sure how to quit and stay quit for good.

Back to day 1.

HeadLump

Welcome back, newwestdork and congratulations on getting straight back on the wagon

Many people here have tried to moderate and achieved the same result each time When I accepted that I would never be able to drink again, the feeling of freedom was amazing. I no longer had to go through the humiliation of losing myself each time I drank and the sheer obsession that drinking alcohol brings.

I think abstention is much easier! I hope you will too

SoberLeigh

Welcome back, newestdork; glad you didn't "stay out".

I was a total and complete failure at moderation, newestdork. Accepting that, once and for all - finally and completely - over and done, made all the difference. I also had to avoid all drinking occasions for a while until I was stronger in my sobriety.

Keep plugging away; you can do it.

FT

I'm glad you're back, newwestdork.

Being "recommitted to abstaining" does ring a bit hollow, so I think you are on to some rational thought there. All that means is that alcohol is still on the table -- you're just planning to have none of it. Yet.

How about this? Why not just become a non-drinker? Seriously, man, either you are a drinker or you are not. Until you make the switch, alcohol will ALWAYS be on the table.

Being a non-drinker is not just a state of abstinence, it is a state of being. I did not wear that identity easily in the first few years of my making the decision to be a non-drinker. I can recall a time in my life where I could not even imagine NEVER drinking alcohol again. I was that attached to it.

Once you have self-identified as a non-drinker, all decisions about drinking are no brainers. Believe me, no one cares if you don't drink, unless they have a problem with their OWN drinking behavior. "Normal" drinkers certainly do NOT care whether you drink or not.

Avoid places where it is too easy to be swayed from your conviction, at least early on. Everyplace you go, there will always be drinkers. And non-drinkers.

In my first few years as a non-drinker, the drinkers began to annoy me, and they smelled bad. Well, I guess they still annoy me, and they certainly do smell bad, but I no longer feel any affinity towards rejoining them. In fact, I discovered that OTHER people found them annoying and smelly, too. Good God,.... that was ME at one point, so there should be zero finger pointing there.

The non-drinkers are always more fun, by the way. They can hold a coherent conversation for hours and never have to fear the drive home. Now that's something to have an affinity for.

PurpleKnight

Recognising and accepting that moderation is not an option is the first thing to address, the idea we're not somehow fixed or cured due to a period of abstinence, instead that door needs to remain firmly closed. Until I grasped this, I was never going to beat it.

But there's no point in beating yourself up over the past, it's done, draw a line and go at it again!!

You'll get there!!

Anna

Welcome back!

When you accept that alcohol is no longer an option, your life will be much easier.

I had to stay away from bars/pubs and anywhere else where alcohol was served for many, many months.

doggonecarl

I think you know how. We either do what it takes to support our sobriety, or we do the things that lead back to drinking.

Stoogy

Hey NewWest, glad too hear you are back with us, living with doubt that we can lead a normal sociable drinking life just takes us back to the Abyss from which we came.

The sooner we accept our lifestyle the easier it all unfolds.
Take care man.

SonomaGal

When I first started quitting last summer I kept trying to do things (like go to bars) and hang out with drinkers, that were very challenging on my sobriety. And I kept having Day 1's. After 4 months of trying to act like nothing had changed, except for everything cause I was no longer drinking, I finally realized I needed to give up the drinking associated activities. These situations were very taxing for me as well as boring, irritating, and full of cravings! My recommendation: 1) stay away from places where drinking is the main activity 2) stay away from drinking all together until you've got enough sobriety that you aren't willing to risk it. You'll thank yourself and find it's way easier! Rooting for you!!!

desypete

this is how we learn sadly
our own experiences show us that not matter what we try or how many times we say i promise i will never do it again
somehow we end up back in the same mess and many times in a worse mess than it was before

pain is the only thing that made me really want to do anything other than drink as i always belived this time it will be different
if i only drank half pints instead of full ones or if i only drink shandy i will not get drunk
but i always ended up drunk

until i finaly had enough of the pain and found help in aa but i had to want it and be willing to go to any lengths to get it

and my heart today still wants it more than when i first came into aa

i am lucky as with time things i see today are much more clear than they used to be and by working the program into my life but without the god word it all works a treat for me

i am happy now and i dont even think of a drink at all dispite going through a nightmare time in my life i never once thought about picking up a drink and i was able to be there for my kids etc all thanks to the help i found in aa

good luck to you my friend lets hope you dont have to go down to the pain levels i went to before you scream out for help as its there for you if you want it

Hevyn

Good to see you newwest.

That was the hardest thing for me - to finally admit I couldn't touch the stuff. Every time I did it led to disaster. I'd vow to have one or two - but by the time they were in my system all bets were off. I had to have terrible things happen in order to finally get it. It doesn't have to be that way for you. I hope you'll keep posting.

Hevyn

...and I second most of what desypete said.

dollpart

Good luck, from here on in.

karate

Just saddle back up .

I drank just a little while ago , I guess I had 2 -12 packs

In a days time

Notimetoloose

It is true for me as well, I do not know how many times that passes through my mind....I have to shut it down and know that it is not true for me..

leviathan

FT nailed this one.

mad that i didnt write that.

just sayin...

Dee74

I had to accept that I couldn't drink in moderation. My commitment to abstinence didn't mean a thing until I finally once and for all accepted that my relationship with alcohol was toxic.

For me that took 20 years and me nearly dying...

I reckon you'd save yourself a lot of grief if you decided to submit to the obvious today newwestdork

D

liss74

Yeah once I have one it sets off a compulsion to drink more and cannot stop. First one always does the damage. Your not alone and I wish you well x

fini

newwestdork,
not sure if i remember correctly, but seems to me that last time it was a "function", too, that you decided to attend when your mindset wasn't one of knowing you can't moderate. when you repeatedly see that you can't yet tell yourself you can, then...where, for you, lies the disconnect?

are you willing to add stuff to what you've done in the past that hasn't worked?

jdooner

For me I have always been insecure and tried hard to fit in certain situations. To be accepted. Its no surprise that at work functions where everyone is drinking being sober makes us feel like an outcast. We feel vulnerable. When I feel vulnerable I used to cope by turning to substances including alcohol.

I still feel all these same things sober. Perhaps over time and with confidence I won't. For the meantime becoming aware and mindful of my behaviors I was able to build a program to provide a net so I don't fall off the wagon. I have tried many programs but the one that works the best for me is AA's 12 steps.

Good luck.