JensDestiny

Good morning. Tonight @ 11 pm will be 1 week since I had my last drink. Physically, I feel fantastic. I no longer wake up feeling forced to drag my still half-drunk self out of bed to get ready for work. I no longer feel sick to my stomach or suffer from continuous bouts of heartburn throughout the day.

However, the emotional/mental side of me isn't fairing so well. As with many others, I was a stay at home drunk and tend to isolate myself from others; especially when drinking. I sincerely do not want to drink and really have no desire to go back to where I was a week ago. *I know... whoopppiieeee, a whole week but that is more than I have gone in the past and if I can make it through tomorrow and the weekend, that will be the longest in YEARS!

Nightmares... people that I care or cared about in my past all lined up to make fun of me. Calling me names and glaring at me with disgust and disdain. Woke up this morning crying like a baby. It really hurt but it was just a dream, I suppose. I feel really bad about myself; I don't like who I am anymore. I used to be very confident in myself but that was quashed years ago. I miss the feeling of being loved, the feeling of someone being attracted to me, the feeling of knowing that I am worth something.

Sorry for the rant, just having a down-moment and needed to vent a little. Thanks for listening. Jen

ScottFromWI

Great job on a a week sober Jen. I think weird dreams and messed up sleeping is pretty standard fare for the first couple weeks of sobriety, I know it was for me. I kind of equate it to my mind "stretching it's legs" and finally being able to blow off some steam after being perpetually sedated by alcohol.

Regarding the self hate, think for a minute about what you are saying. You liked yourself better when you were a drunk? If anything you are a much better person simply from the standpoint that you've taken your life back from addiction. Alcohol is false confidence and quite problably the very reason your confidence was quashed. You have done precisely the one thing that is most difficulty for an addict - to face it and move forward. Pat yourself on the back...you deserve it.

JensDestiny

No, I meant that I had self confidence before I started drinking... not since. Hopefully, it will return once sobriety sets in because I know drinking had a lot to do with why I lost any and all self esteem. I never felt confident while I was drinking, quite the opposite actually.

FeelingGreat

Hi Jen, you've got to expect some emotional ups and downs when you stop drinking because you've stopped masking everything with alcohol. So first of all, tell yourself that it's not pleasant, but it's natural and it will pass.

My guess is that your dream about your friends is possibly more about your own opinion of yourself as an alcoholic. Now that you've stopped drinking, you can look back on your life and not like parts of it.

Once again, stick with sobriety because you will feel proud of yourself as you get more sober time. I know I'm proud (in a modest way!) that I was able to stop drinking, and my doctor praises me when I go to see him now and then. It's a good feeling.

You'll get your self-esteem back in time, as long as you can stay sober.

JensDestiny

Yeah, hopefully this will pass or at least become more bearable once I get into treatment... Monday cannot come soon enough!! I have been told that they will likely recommend that I go to Outpatient treatment since I will (with all hope and strength) be 11 days sober when I go for the initial assessment. Thanks to you both.

ScottFromWI

That's great - outpatient is a lot more flexible than inpatient and being sober will certainly be a plus. I think it's pretty common practice that most OP programs will not take anyone if they have not been sober for at least a minimum number of days.

theupsides92

I am continually discovering new things about my psyche that I've covered with alcohol for the last four ish years. Unresolved feelings, undeserved animosity, bouts of depression that last from only a few minutes to an hour or so, etc. Not sure if it helps you to know that, but I figured I'd tell you that you're not alone out there.

zjw

Kudos on the week thats a big deal!

I never had much self confidence before drinking. Your nightmere reminds me how i Think other people think of me. And its not just a thought I have some good reasonings to believe a lot of folks feel that way about me. Lack of confidence doesnt help me with that going on nor will it help you. In your case perhaps people feel that way about you or perhaps you feel that people feel that way about you hence the lack of confidence.

I started to gain more confidence back as I sobered up then I got fit. Then I started to think that if other people felt certain ways about me that was there problem. I was the perfect me i was doing the best that i could do to be the best me I could be and if they had an issue with that then well they can F off. That attitude emboldened me and started to get me the confidence back that I needed. I know sometimes maybe i'm overconfident maybe even wrong at which times I can go back and apologize and correct my ways if i screw up. But i dont like sitting around wallowing in my lack of confidence while people treat me like a door mat and walk all over me like they once did.

I think the other isssue your faced with is a sober mind. A sober mind for me meant I had to sorta reprocess a lot of things in my life. It took me a few months to sort out a lot of the mess that was in my head from all the years of drinking. I'd say at like the 3 month mark that peeked. My brain was running on warp speed churning through all this nonsense it eventually eased up and I felt much better. YOu have to keep in mind all that time you drank you didnt properly dream i'm sure and sort things out. You may not have properly dealt with things etc.. Now your sober and your mind wants to work through all this.

The feeling of wanting to feel loved is a tough one. If you cant love yourself how can you feel loved? (its sorta goes in line with your lack of confidence too) In time you will love yourself more. And hopefully in time you will feel loved and wanted again.

I struggle with the feeling of being oved and wanted. I think for me its very possible I am loved and wanted but as a self protection mechanism so I do not get hurt I like to run around and feel unloved and unwanted this way when people walk out on me again I wont have to feel that sting that goes along with it. This is not fair to me or to those who do indeed love me who can never seem to convince me of this. I hope I cna somehow improve in this area myself.

I hope my advice helps make some of it make sense or that you can relate.

JensDestiny

Thanks so much for the advise; I greatly appreciate it. I think/hope that my mind works all of this out and I completely agree with the statement of "If you can't love yourself, how can you feel loved?" One day, I hope to love myself again and to be free of the burdens that the alcohol has brought along with it.

I have been thinking about joining a gym and maybe now is a fine time to do just that. I don't want to lose a big amount of weight but could stand to lose some and just get in better shape overall.

The nightmare really stems from a past relationship (over a year ago) that I was in; very emotionally abusive and some of the things that he would say to break me down continue to haunt me. I try to remember that we were both alcoholics throughout the entire duration of that relationship but there is a part of me that needs to learn how to forgive and forget... or at least just forget.

Thanks again for all of the kind words and encouragement, it certainly helps to know that I am not alone in how I feel.

zjw

6 months into sobreity I still felt like I had ways to go to feel recovered. I decided to put down the cigarettes and eat healthier of course that led to this urge to exercise and loose weight while i was at it. It was odd being sober and having quit smoking I felt as if the added weight no longer belonged to me. I didnt want it hanging on me anymore etc.. So I started walking for 30 min a day and did a low carb diet (now i'm vegan) I lost over 100lbs in about 6 months. I now run 60 miles a week. I think loosing that weight and getting fit did wonders for my self esteem and confidence. I used a lot of what i leanred to get and stay sober to also get and stay fit etc..

I realized I just had to make 1 good decision after another. I'll be honest day by day it didnt seem like i was progressing very well. But in hindsite i've come leaps and bounds the good choices really do add up.

rachelle77

A huge congratulations on a week!

I think the others have given you some really great advice/things to think about, and I would like to add a reminder that alcohol is a depressant. I just finished my first week of sobriety (again) and I had terrible depression/esteem issues. I woke up most mornings crying or would start tearing up in the evening time, which is when I would usually take my first drink of the day. I had to keep telling myself that this was all just part of the process of detoxing and that this feeling wouldn't last forever, and I would just give in to a good cathartic cry.

Maybe this sounds rambling, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in the way that you feel. And I'm sure your outpatient rehab will help you with this and teach some tools to cope with these feelings.

And I think joining a gym is a fantastic idea! While I'm not in shape or anything, I know going to the gym has been helpful for me when my mood is low and I need to get some endorphins flowing!

I wish you all the best!

JensDestiny

Thanks so much Rachelle. I am feeling much better this afternoon; I guess the depressive mood swings will come and go, much the same as the alcohol cravings.

I have already lost like 6 lbs so the weight, so far, seems to just be falling off of me. If I lose another 15 lbs, I will be back at my pre-drinking weight. Hard to believe how much weight alcohol piles on... at least until it gets to "that point". I know with both of my parents, shortly before they passed away, they had both lost an extreme amount of weight. My mom was, by far, the most extreme and it is hard for me to even talk about it to this day. On one side, I feel there was gross negligence on the part of my step dad (who was taking care of her before she passed). But, on the other hand, I know how alcohol has personally affected me and I know that there was nothing anyone could have said or done to get either of my parents to quit before it was too late. I have to beat this, for the sake of my own children and for myself. I cannot allow myself to fall like my mom and dad did.

I agree 100% that outpatient treatment, probably some counselling, aa, and a gym membership will help me recover and regain the life that I once had.

zjw

thats good to hear yeah i lost 15lbs right off the bat when i quit. its nice being healthy for my kids now etc.. I used to figure i'd be dead by 50 if i was lucky probably much sooner. now I dunno maybe i'll live a nice long life and get to see grand kids and so on. its a much brighter outlook.

take the proper steps in the right directon if you dont like some steps your taking try something else dont just give up.

Its important to get yourself healthy so you can be your best.

longbeachone

Great job...one week is fantastic.

When you drink, you numb out...stop feeling emotions that need to be expressed. It's not surprising that these emotions come flooding over you when you stop drinking. The good thing is that when you allow yourself to experience emotions, you process them. They may feel awful, or scary (or good, for that matter) then they pass away.

I remember feeling overwhelmed with terrifying feelings, mainly dread, when I first stopped drinking. As these feelings were processed, I lapsed into the "pink cloud" stage, when I felt terrific. You too, will feel lots of things very strongly during this period. Don't worry, they are just feelings. They can't hurt you. Once you've allowed these long buried emotions to surface, they will fade away in a healthy way, and you'll begin to feel so much better!

Ktsmiau

Hi Jens, Isn't it amazing how we can love something (alcohol,etc.) so much that has tried to kill us so many times. I am only on Day 9 and this morning had such a headache and felt a bit shaky but I took the right steps to not take that first drink. Take it easy, a day at a time, be good to yourself - you are worth it. Really look in the mirror and get to know and love that person again if needed - at least that is what I am trying to do - One Day at a Time.

FeelingGreat

Jen, honestly, you seem to be doing really well. The mood swings will happen now and then but I love your plans for joining the gym, and you sound more resilient every time you post. Keep it up.

SonomaGal

Congrats on a week!!!! Rooting for you!

Dreams are intense right? I have had a number of dream over the last 7.5 months about people from the past, many long forgotten. Some have been sad, some embarrassing, some hilarious. I've had more than one that I woke up crying from! Like your dream, a lot of mine are obviously about self esteem, and I'm gonna keep working on it until I stop dreaming about it. On that note, some of our self esteem can be improved from creating a new life without alcohol, and some comes from making peace with the life we were living. And not drinking makes us look better, and feel better, so that never hurts! You're doing great!

JensDestiny

Your words are all so amazingly supportive and caring. For so long, people that I have encountered were typically quite judgmental and couldn't understand the mind/reasoning of someone with an addiction problem (alcohol or otherwise); which I can understand and relate to from my pre-alcohol days. However, having gone through this has even given me a new perspective for those that suffer.

Last night was good. If I dreamed at all, I do not remember it and I actually slept pretty good.

Thanks again for your encouraging words!! I don't think I would even be this far without being able to come here and reading the posts and promising responses from everyone.