jdooner

The one thing I would suggest is not making rash decisions. Meeting with a lawyer is a great idea if you want to better understand your options. I would hold off acting on them though. For 20 years you and your wife have coexisted under a set of conditions. You have now changed one of the major variables (sobriety). It would be insane for her not to have some sort of reaction to your changes. Depending upon how well and how mature she is will depend a lot on how she reacts. So now you are seeing her kneejerk reaction.

I think its great you are reigning in the spending in your recovery. But if it were me I would give it some time. You may find she comes around. Couples counseling can be great because you can communicate with someone else makign sure one side is ot bullying the other.

This is likely going to be a big test for you Karate. How you come though all of this might be defining. I have faith and confidence that you are going to grow into a much stronger man from all this adeversity if you can remain sober and level headed.

Good luck!

zjw

You gotta do what you gotta do Karate to maintain your sobriety, sanity and happiness. If this is a big enough wedge that it could cost you any of those 3 or more then you have to make some tough choices.

I agree with the others dont go for the numbing route. Scream yell cry pound the punching bag etc... But dont go numbing up as soon as the numbing stops the pain will still be there then what? Take the bull by the horns and face things head on.

You seem like a pretty straight shooting tough person. I have no reason to believe you cant handle it.

SoberLeigh

Thinking about you, Karate.

grubby

Any reason why she left suddenly?? people don't just up and leave in the middle of the day without cause, details? no need for specifics of course, but what lead up to this? that kind of stuff helps the audience when they go to comment......

Im going to second what others are saying about the roids'

A brief anecdote: In my teens i had a passing interest in steroids' that lasted about 5 months, but i never followed through on it. My interest at the time stemmed from an insecurity-based feeling that i was "too skinny" in my upper body. Nonetheless, i spent quite a number of hours on various bodybuilding and gym-type forums reading and conversing with the members there. Most of these places had a "support" or "help" section for Q & a involving bad reactions to certain roid's............... scary stuff. I mean we are talking guys who had permanent damage to their sex organs, shriveled testes, erectile dysfunction, among other things.

Please use discretion here..... do you really NEED steroids?? Or is it just a WANT?...... i.e. to artificially improve personal appearance, get "beach muscles", etc.......... there's a big difference between a need and a want.

Be CAREFUL if you do decide (for whatever reason) to dabble in that stuff, its not a joke!

huntingtontx

Hey Karate. I am sorry. You are in my prayers. Stay strong.

Dee74

I'm not really sure details, or an interrogation, are called for in order to give support.

D

karate

Im going to look at a street bike tomorrow , Been drinking plenty of high calorie protein shakes with olive oil in them ,To not lose muscle . Appetite has been very low .

I found some very high calorie shakes ,I need to keep them going until I get my appetite back ,The Zoloft should relive that soon .

As expected I got a handful of pills to use as I see fit . Doc never worries about me abusing my Xanax ,because I take so few .
Im going to make it ,that's for sure .

I did slip up and drink beer , as a matter of fact .I drank yesterday from 7 am to 10 pm .

Already quit that foolishness .

ScottFromWI

I think it goes without saying, but I'll say it anyway....drinking for 15 hours with a handful of Xanax and other pills at your disposal is a recipe for disaster. White knuckling this and buying a street street bike isn't going to fix it either.

I think it might be time to call in your home group more than ever now...are you still going to meetings?

NoJimmy

Sorry to hear about the Marriage issues. It's difficult to feel those feelings after a lifetime of squashing them with (enter drug of choice). I think you will arrive at a better place much faster if you can eliminate anything that suppresses your thoughts, emotions and feelings. I think that's what many of us are running from.
Motorcycling is my meditation, I'm all for it so long as you're not buying one to get crazy on (200mph rocket). Hang in there buddy

jdooner

Ahh...Karate. I can so relate. Used to have a CBR900RR when I was a teenager. Get into high speed chases for thrills. Helped keep me sober thugh, as I never drank and rode - of course 120mph wheelies are prob not that healthy either:-). I no longer need these things to project on to make me feel better. I have become mindful that motrocycles, sports cars, steroids, boats, planes, mtn bikes whatever it is is not going to make you feel better. Its going to temporarily boost your ego, which is bruised.

Your ego (false sense of self) is screaming out Karate look at us, forget her we still young and strong and can drink and ride a motorcycle fast. Its all an illusiion man. Seriously. And none of this stuff is going to bring you happiness.

You are hard headed like me, although I am softening in my old age. My hope is 5-10% might get through but I fear you are going to do what Karate is going to do. None of this **** is going to help. In fact, all of it is a recipee for disaster and all of it is going to make your wife's decision to leave look brilliant.

If you want her back you have to fix Karate. You have to roll up your sleeves and do some hard work. You have to fix your crap and get rid of the monkey on your back called addiction. I am guessing there is a great guy inside of you with layers of crap weighing him down. In fact, I am sure of it because we have seen glimpses of him in your posts. But these decisions will further suffocate and further push those around you away.

Don't buy a bike. Throw the beer out and pills out. None of it is going to help you. Neither will the self loathing. Pull your bootstraps up and show your wife what a man you are not by doing this immature stuff but by doing the hard work of fixing you.

I would put $100K of my own money on this that if you get right and get rid of all your own baggage, get Karate's side of the street cleaned you will find you attract people not push them away. Maybe this will mean you and your wife reconcile or maybe you find love elsewhere but you won't repel and you will find peace and contentment inside of you not in a bullet bike, bottle, MMA gym, water tower, farm or Xanax container.

karate

I seem to attract people , but it might be the excitement ?

Back on day 2 no drinking

jdooner

Karate - if you drank yesterday from 7AM till 10PM then you are on day 1. You have to start somewhere and honesty would be a good place to build off of.

karate

Actually im pretty frazzled right now ,It was sunday I drank all day .

None yesterday ,And none today .

Im done drinking ,After that episode .No desire to drink ,or cravings .

I don't think I get a "out of jail free card" ,but the shocker of Saturday was rough .

ScottFromWI

I can imagine you would be Frazzled, you've been through a pretty traumatic experience. Drinking all day on Sunday was probably the absolute worst thing you could have done to deal with it, but that's water under the bridge of course.

Glad to hear you've stopped drinking since, now is a good time to regroup and try to pick up the pieces. Have you talked with your sponsor or been to a meeting since this happened? Even though you don't have cravings this morning this is a very vulnerable time for your sobriety.

jdooner

Karate you can have whatever you want. I am not here to berate you. I only want the best for you, sincerely. I don't want you to cheat yourself. As such, I will never be your cheerleader, others can do that...I will try to help in my own way.

My recovery began with a moment of clarity. My life was falling apart. My marriage was in shambles. I had become a person I was not proud to look at in the mirror. I was physically dependent on alcohol, addicted to cocaine and many behaviors I am not proud of.

I had to get honest with myself. So I started with the most dangerous and got clean form the coke last June. I then quit Ritalin in August and then booze 8/26/13 was my last drink. Last smoke 9/11/13.

Recovery is like parenting its the hardest but most rewarding thing you will ever do and what I am most proud of...without my recovery I would eventually loose everything in my life.

I just hope my experience can help you share in this magic called life!

Good for you for picking yourself back up. If I may suggest, I think a broader program with face to face accountability whatever one you choose to augment SR might be beneficial, as Scott suggested. SR seems a bit easy to manipulate for what you might need.

karate

Actually im pretty frazzled right now ,It was sunday I drank all day .

None yesterday ,And none today .

Im done drinking ,After that episode .No desire to drink ,or cravings .

Shining~Again

Just had to say that you weren't frazzeled enough to mess up your days. Yesterday (last night) you wrote how
"yesterday" you drank. Making that day Sunday.

Am glad to hear it was a one done episode.

- just kind of wondering if the wife and you are on outs due to finanaces how much will resolve with a bit of a breather. She spends what you earn so how is she going to manage. Would imagine if this is purely money thing on her part that may very well change quickly. If it's more, then ... eh, who knows?

Also - regarding seeing a lawyer. Not a bad idea but I'd not make a move till cooling off for at least a month. There's no rush, right?

karate

I took some vacation from work ,lost a day somehow - wow

karate

My mother called ,Grandmother has 24-48 hours to live .

It just keeps cranking down on me .

bigsombrero

Sometimes these things hit us all at once. Sorry to hear you're dealing with your grandmother's illness at this time as well.

I'm sure you'll get through this better if you're sober. All the best to you, Karate.