do any non alcoholics care about your anniversary?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Bklyn. NY
Posts: 1,859
My wife, and parents care. I'm not even sure anyone else really knows (or ever knew) when my anniversary comes around. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't care. I wouldn't really expect them to, either.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Some close family bought me flowers and sent a card.
Thank god no-one bought a bottle of champagne!
Some people who admired what I was doing, said congrats by text.
My ex who was not my ex then but deserved to be said I was a sham because I took the odd paracetamol (you guys call it Tylenol - don't think I have spelt it right) which was sad.
Second year no-one batted an eyelid.
No-one gave a hoot, no-one remembered.
I preferred it that way I think.
I see myself having 2 lives.
A life here at SR and a another life with people who don't know that side to me xx
Thank god no-one bought a bottle of champagne!
Some people who admired what I was doing, said congrats by text.
My ex who was not my ex then but deserved to be said I was a sham because I took the odd paracetamol (you guys call it Tylenol - don't think I have spelt it right) which was sad.
Second year no-one batted an eyelid.
No-one gave a hoot, no-one remembered.
I preferred it that way I think.
I see myself having 2 lives.
A life here at SR and a another life with people who don't know that side to me xx
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 350
I wonder if society in general has room to grow about understanding that it's a disease and recovery isn't just as simple as "great, you finally got the willpower to stop drinking - I also DON'T hit my foot with a hammer - but should we celebrate that?" - notice all the misconceptions in there?
When someone is experiencing the disease of cancer, reactions are COMPLETELY different (even though I heard somewhere the survival rates are relatively similar between cancer and alcoholism?). "Oh, you're so brave" and "you'll beat that cancer!" and they definitely celebrate remission. They have walks, ribbons, and lots of support. Right now, addiction is not looked at in the same way (unless you're around people who get it and they DO KNOW it's something to feel good about/celebrate).
There has already been a lot of growth over time and I bet we'll see even more. As a society we learn more and more that it's a DISEASE and we need more compassion than judgment. Remember the confusion around Philip Seymour Hoffman? Society still has more work to do, I think.
However, it wasn't that long ago that I didn't acknowledge a change in my sister (she was suffering from meth addiction and the whole family was hush/hush about it - and she eventually got clean). We just thought, "it's what you're supposed to do to be regular/normal, etc". No one recognized it or celebrated her success.
I recently called my sister to let her know how amazing it is for her to have recovery (like lifting a mountain) and it deserved recognition. She said "thank you" and said she's not perfect.
I did not get there until I fully understood the concept that addiction is a DISEASE. And that took a lot of work on my end. I suppose I should cut people some slack. If they haven't done the work (it takes a major paradigm shift in the brain from believing drunks deserve what they get to - a compassionate understanding of a disease), then they won't know.
As such, I can understand why some members simply celebrate recovery within themselves.
(my personal experience here - maybe other SR members see something different)
When someone is experiencing the disease of cancer, reactions are COMPLETELY different (even though I heard somewhere the survival rates are relatively similar between cancer and alcoholism?). "Oh, you're so brave" and "you'll beat that cancer!" and they definitely celebrate remission. They have walks, ribbons, and lots of support. Right now, addiction is not looked at in the same way (unless you're around people who get it and they DO KNOW it's something to feel good about/celebrate).
There has already been a lot of growth over time and I bet we'll see even more. As a society we learn more and more that it's a DISEASE and we need more compassion than judgment. Remember the confusion around Philip Seymour Hoffman? Society still has more work to do, I think.
However, it wasn't that long ago that I didn't acknowledge a change in my sister (she was suffering from meth addiction and the whole family was hush/hush about it - and she eventually got clean). We just thought, "it's what you're supposed to do to be regular/normal, etc". No one recognized it or celebrated her success.
I recently called my sister to let her know how amazing it is for her to have recovery (like lifting a mountain) and it deserved recognition. She said "thank you" and said she's not perfect.
I did not get there until I fully understood the concept that addiction is a DISEASE. And that took a lot of work on my end. I suppose I should cut people some slack. If they haven't done the work (it takes a major paradigm shift in the brain from believing drunks deserve what they get to - a compassionate understanding of a disease), then they won't know.
As such, I can understand why some members simply celebrate recovery within themselves.
(my personal experience here - maybe other SR members see something different)
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Scotland
Posts: 1,506
Originally Posted by zjw 
Reason I ask is it seems like only other alcoholics really care. I learned this the first year when my aniversary came and went and no one cared. cept those here and at AA.
this past one i have the date tattoo'd on my wrist for crying out loud and still my wife didnt even acknowledge it. I'm not gonna let it get to me but its like geeze...
this past one i have the date tattoo'd on my wrist for crying out loud and still my wife didnt even acknowledge it. I'm not gonna let it get to me but its like geeze...
I have the same problem where my family although happy for me don't realise the sacrifice and daily struggles we go through as recovering addicts.
For what it's worth, I think you are awesome and I am delighted for you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Apart from the addict community, I only told about my gf and my therapist. Not sure my gf remembers at all, she is not very interested in recovery. It's also not that meaningful to me to discuss my alcohol problem and sobriety in detail with people who have not had this experience themselves, especially if they are not interested. So, I've pretty much decided to keep this topic for discussions with the people who are struggling / in recovery / are trying to help me.
happy, joyous an free!
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
zjw - congrats on living your true life and celebrating your sobriety! love the question, got me thinking. in my early sober days the first few anniversaries were mega important to me as a day to affirm my commitment to recovery. i would mention it to family and close friends and always tried to do something special for myself. i would mention it and include my family because my sobriety was almost as important to them as it was to me! they love me.
as time has gone on i often forget it is coming up and then someone will remember and mention it to me, which is really nice! my boss, who is a friend, has it in his calendar and always remembers too!
i guess maybe if we are really private about our recovery people just kinda don't know? and many want it that way. walking out of the darkness into the light is something we never forget. whether we commemorate it or not, taking that step is our own personal milestone. if it is something you wish to celebrate with others then make the party and send invitations! (figuratively) or just quietly say hey let's go to dinner tuesday, it's my sober anniversary!
i'm not shy about much when it comes to sharing what's important to me with the people i love. just my thoughts...
as time has gone on i often forget it is coming up and then someone will remember and mention it to me, which is really nice! my boss, who is a friend, has it in his calendar and always remembers too!
i guess maybe if we are really private about our recovery people just kinda don't know? and many want it that way. walking out of the darkness into the light is something we never forget. whether we commemorate it or not, taking that step is our own personal milestone. if it is something you wish to celebrate with others then make the party and send invitations! (figuratively) or just quietly say hey let's go to dinner tuesday, it's my sober anniversary!
i'm not shy about much when it comes to sharing what's important to me with the people i love. just my thoughts...
non-drinker
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Milwaukee, Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 13,828
My friends and family don't really care about the date...they're just happy that I'm no longer destroying myself with alcohol. The date means a lot to me personally as it was the day that I decided to stop destroying myself with alcohol and started making the changes necessary to make wanting to get drunk in the first place irrelevant.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
My friends and family don't really care about the date...they're just happy that I'm no longer destroying myself with alcohol. The date means a lot to me personally as it was the day that I decided to stop destroying myself with alcohol and started making the changes necessary to make wanting to get drunk in the first place irrelevant.
Most alcoholics get it since its a 1 day at a time struggle. For me the battle begins anew each day. Sure some days are easier then others but each day has its battle waiting for me. Its like this war that rages on in my head to keep me from sliden down the hole too far etc..
I guess non-alcoholics dont have this same struggle or at least not in the same sense that we all know too well and can appreciate.
I heard one guy liken it to having to trick himself out of derailing each day. He has I think 15 years and said it was still an ongoing battle 1 day at a time. That was a very surreal thing to hear. That here this guy is 15 years later still fighting the good fight. IE the battle never really goes away I suppose.
We have a tendancy to think theres a finish line or an endzone and we get to spike the ball and do our little dance. The reality is there isnt sure theres some nice achievements along the way but the battle rages on each day starts again 1 day at a time.
Non alcholics just dont get it and why should they. and Like others have said we are finally doing what we should be doing why should we get some big award for doing what we shoulda been doing to begin with. Does a non alcoholic get an award for being a non alcholic? Does the non drinker run around wishing they could just have a drink whenever something goes wrong? Does the non smoker sit around wishing they could have a smoke? How could they relate?
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by zjw
Most alcoholics get it since its a 1 day at a time struggle. For me the battle begins anew each day. Sure some days are easier then others but each day has its battle waiting for me. Its like this war that rages on in my head to keep me from sliden down the hole too far etc..
In AA we work the steps to free ourselves from the abject slavery we were shackled to. Once free from the obsession we live our lives and have the tools to deal with more difficult situations.
Perhaps I just don't have the sober time, as I am coming up on only 10 months but I find most days I am not struggling with my addictions. Sometimes like this week when I had business in Las Vegas I felt the pull. I also called myself out on a business dinner I did not have a legit reason to stay in Las Vegas so I left. No I don't feel any daily struggle though.
Perhaps I read into your comments too literally if what you meant was the "one day at time" but I don't see this as a daily struggle more of a way to live in the present mantra.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
yeah I stuggle each day. Not necesarily with a massive urge to drink. But i stuggle a lot to keep my spirits up to remain posiitive to not wind up in the gutter full of depression. I have to constantly talk myself up and try and remain positive. I know that If i dont do this i do run the risk of saying screw it and being really depressed upset and I think the next step for me would be to toss int he towell and go get some booze.
Each day I struggle. Sometimes its easy. sometimes its not. all depends. Sure over time the battles have gotten easier then say the early days. But there are still battles and struggles each day for me.
If i'm not careful and mindful I can very quickly spiral into a pit.
Each day I struggle. Sometimes its easy. sometimes its not. all depends. Sure over time the battles have gotten easier then say the early days. But there are still battles and struggles each day for me.
If i'm not careful and mindful I can very quickly spiral into a pit.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Originally Posted by zjw
...
1)Most alcoholics get it since its a 1 day at a time struggle. For me the battle begins anew each day. Sure some days are easier then others but each day has its battle waiting for me. Its like this war that rages on in my head to keep me from sliden down the hole too far etc..
2)I heard one guy liken it to having to trick himself out of derailing each day. He has I think 15 years and said it was still an ongoing battle 1 day at a time. That was a very surreal thing to hear. That here this guy is 15 years later still fighting the good fight. IE the battle never really goes away I suppose.
...the battle rages on each day starts again 1 day at a time.
3)Does the non drinker run around wishing they could just have a drink whenever something goes wrong? Does the non smoker sit around wishing they could have a smoke? How could they relate?
1)Most alcoholics get it since its a 1 day at a time struggle. For me the battle begins anew each day. Sure some days are easier then others but each day has its battle waiting for me. Its like this war that rages on in my head to keep me from sliden down the hole too far etc..
2)I heard one guy liken it to having to trick himself out of derailing each day. He has I think 15 years and said it was still an ongoing battle 1 day at a time. That was a very surreal thing to hear. That here this guy is 15 years later still fighting the good fight. IE the battle never really goes away I suppose.
...the battle rages on each day starts again 1 day at a time.
3)Does the non drinker run around wishing they could just have a drink whenever something goes wrong? Does the non smoker sit around wishing they could have a smoke? How could they relate?
2) Most recovered folks I know do not have an ongoing battle; they may live their lives one day at a time, but they got sober for good 'n all (just like the founders of AA wrote). For me, the battle is over; the war no longer rages on in my head. If I thought I'd have to keep fighting, day after day after day....forever....?....well, no thanks.
3) The recovered folks I know do not run around wishing thy could have a drink whenever something goes wrong. In fact most recovered folks I know don't even think about drinking.........period.
....and all ths refers to me too. In fact, when I recovered, when a waiter asked me if I wanted a before dinner drink or wine with dinner and I answered with a no thank you....well, that was true; I do not want that before dinner drink nor do I want wine with dinner.....
(o:
NoelleR
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
1) Most of the recovered folks I know do not battle/struggle on a daily basis. I would find that a very sad way to live.
2) Most recovered folks I know do not have an ongoing battle; they may live their lives one day at a time, but they got sober for good 'n all (just like the founders of AA wrote). For me, the battle is over; the war no longer rages on in my head. If I thought I'd have to keep fighting, day after day after day....forever....?....well, no thanks.
3) The recovered folks I know do not run around wishing thy could have a drink whenever something goes wrong. In fact most recovered folks I know don't even think about drinking.........period.
....and all ths refers to me too. In fact, when I recovered, when a waiter asked me if I wanted a before dinner drink or wine with dinner and I answered with a no thank you....well, that was true; I do not want that before dinner drink nor do I want wine with dinner.....
(o:
NoelleR
2) Most recovered folks I know do not have an ongoing battle; they may live their lives one day at a time, but they got sober for good 'n all (just like the founders of AA wrote). For me, the battle is over; the war no longer rages on in my head. If I thought I'd have to keep fighting, day after day after day....forever....?....well, no thanks.
3) The recovered folks I know do not run around wishing thy could have a drink whenever something goes wrong. In fact most recovered folks I know don't even think about drinking.........period.
....and all ths refers to me too. In fact, when I recovered, when a waiter asked me if I wanted a before dinner drink or wine with dinner and I answered with a no thank you....well, that was true; I do not want that before dinner drink nor do I want wine with dinner.....
(o:
NoelleR
But day in and day out it is like i said a struggle for me to handle lifes problems and keep a smile on my face and not allow it to get the best of me.
I hope one day its not like that. But its just how it is for me. I can be super happy and positive but then one little thing can go wrong and if I'm not careful i'll easily allow it to ruin my entire day etc..
People always said I was a negative person. I always figured I was just realistic. Now I think I can easily be negative, postive or realistic. Its just a matter of what I choose to focus on. But for me its very hard to not focus on the negative. I keep reading books and trying new techniques to keep myself from doing this. But its pretty ingrained into my mind for some reason.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: illinois
Posts: 907
yes. wife got me a sixty day gift. i enjoyed it. ive been working on accepting praise, so its cool.
a little bit of the feelings freshstart mentioned. but, the way i look at it, i stopped digging my own grave. i can be a little proud. also a little sense of accomplishment seems to give my efforts a booster shot. so, i'll take it!
slightly related:
sometimes when my day turns out to be crap, i think "well, im continuing with my sober thing. i used to lose it and feel i deserved to get messed, so at least i got that." i can then go to bed having done SOMETHING right. i may be stroking myself. but, it sure beats the old way (that still lurks) of kicking my own ass as much as possible with nasty self-talk.
a little bit of the feelings freshstart mentioned. but, the way i look at it, i stopped digging my own grave. i can be a little proud. also a little sense of accomplishment seems to give my efforts a booster shot. so, i'll take it!
slightly related:
sometimes when my day turns out to be crap, i think "well, im continuing with my sober thing. i used to lose it and feel i deserved to get messed, so at least i got that." i can then go to bed having done SOMETHING right. i may be stroking myself. but, it sure beats the old way (that still lurks) of kicking my own ass as much as possible with nasty self-talk.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by zjw
That sounds pretty cool. yeah I dont have a big desire to drink etc.. i'm not sitting here day in and day out wishing i could drink.
But day in and day out it is like i said a struggle for me to handle lifes problems and keep a smile on my face and not allow it to get the best of me.
I hope one day its not like that. But its just how it is for me. I can be super happy and positive but then one little thing can go wrong and if I'm not careful i'll easily allow it to ruin my entire day etc..
People always said I was a negative person. I always figured I was just realistic. Now I think I can easily be negative, postive or realistic. Its just a matter of what I choose to focus on. But for me its very hard to not focus on the negative. I keep reading books and trying new techniques to keep myself from doing this. But its pretty ingrained into my mind for some reason.
But day in and day out it is like i said a struggle for me to handle lifes problems and keep a smile on my face and not allow it to get the best of me.
I hope one day its not like that. But its just how it is for me. I can be super happy and positive but then one little thing can go wrong and if I'm not careful i'll easily allow it to ruin my entire day etc..
People always said I was a negative person. I always figured I was just realistic. Now I think I can easily be negative, postive or realistic. Its just a matter of what I choose to focus on. But for me its very hard to not focus on the negative. I keep reading books and trying new techniques to keep myself from doing this. But its pretty ingrained into my mind for some reason.
You don't need to struggle daily. You may want to look into bolstering you program through AA, RR, therapy...have you seen a psychiatrist to see if maybe you have some clinical depression? Anyhow, I feel for you and hope things get better.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
slightly related:
sometimes when my day turns out to be crap, i think "well, im continuing with my sober thing. i used to lose it and feel i deserved to get messed, so at least i got that." i can then go to bed having done SOMETHING right. i may be stroking myself. but, it sure beats the old way (that still lurks) of kicking my own ass as much as possible with nasty self-talk.
sometimes when my day turns out to be crap, i think "well, im continuing with my sober thing. i used to lose it and feel i deserved to get messed, so at least i got that." i can then go to bed having done SOMETHING right. i may be stroking myself. but, it sure beats the old way (that still lurks) of kicking my own ass as much as possible with nasty self-talk.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 5,229
Zjw, I understand. For me recovery and AAs 12 steps went well beyond my drinking. My problems stretch beyond the alcohol and include substances, behaviors because the problem has been a mental and spiritual break for me. I was 39 had more things than I could have hoped, perceived power in my career, great family and I wanted to die. Today I want to live. My faith has been restored. But this has been the most difficult thing I have ever done and still doing.
You don't need to struggle daily. You may want to look into bolstering you program through AA, RR, therapy...have you seen a psychiatrist to see if maybe you have some clinical depression? Anyhow, I feel for you and hope things get better.
You don't need to struggle daily. You may want to look into bolstering you program through AA, RR, therapy...have you seen a psychiatrist to see if maybe you have some clinical depression? Anyhow, I feel for you and hope things get better.
I ponder the whole therapist route but I'm hard headed and refuse to see one. I've had bad expieriences with them in the past the few times I did go. Not there fault i suppose but its just not a road I feel like traveling down.
I'm lucky for my wife she can spot when i'm starting to go to crap in my thinking and she'll generally snap at me to not be so negative etc.. That being said she can be pretty bad too lol.
I worry about everything uncontrollably we all know where that leads etc.. I'm struggling to cut that out. I do well but then other times I dont.
My wife often tells me no matter how good things are going I'll find something to obsess and worry about and i'll fixate on it and stress myself out.
Grateful
Join Date: May 2013
Location: NC
Posts: 1,763
In the 24 years since I first got sober I have had 14 annual sober anniversaries. My parents always used to take me out to eat at a nice restaurant every year but I didn't remind them when I hit one year in April. Besides picking up a one year chip at my home group I kept my anniversary low key this time, I guess because this is the 3rd time I have celebrated 1 year sober (I have also celebrated 2-6 years twice and 7 years once). When I make it to 8 years I'll make a big deal out of that one. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
Originally Posted by zjw
Yeah I try to get to a meeting when I can. there like a shot in the arm. Doing something for someone else is also a good shot in the arm for me. I often feel if i could spend my day giving of myself to others instead of what i do do it would do wonders for my mind and soul.
I ponder the whole therapist route but I'm hard headed and refuse to see one. I've had bad expieriences with them in the past the few times I did go. Not there fault i suppose but its just not a road I feel like traveling down.
I'm lucky for my wife she can spot when i'm starting to go to crap in my thinking and she'll generally snap at me to not be so negative etc.. That being said she can be pretty bad too lol.
I worry about everything uncontrollably we all know where that leads etc.. I'm struggling to cut that out. I do well but then other times I dont.
My wife often tells me no matter how good things are going I'll find something to obsess and worry about and i'll fixate on it and stress myself out.
I ponder the whole therapist route but I'm hard headed and refuse to see one. I've had bad expieriences with them in the past the few times I did go. Not there fault i suppose but its just not a road I feel like traveling down.
I'm lucky for my wife she can spot when i'm starting to go to crap in my thinking and she'll generally snap at me to not be so negative etc.. That being said she can be pretty bad too lol.
I worry about everything uncontrollably we all know where that leads etc.. I'm struggling to cut that out. I do well but then other times I dont.
My wife often tells me no matter how good things are going I'll find something to obsess and worry about and i'll fixate on it and stress myself out.
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