SteveBrule

Hello,
I'm sorry to post this as I'm sure it's come up before. I've never been the one to ask it though so I don't know the answer. I'm just hoping to get some insight.

My girlfriend is in recovery. She's 5 years clean and doing well. We live together and I love her tremendously, she's the best part of my whole life.

We have a good life too. Good jobs, nice home, nice dog. We're happy together. Lately she's been openly admitting that she would like to drink again. She hasn't actually done it but it's becoming a common topic.

It's not an unexpected something-bad-happened kinda relapse. Not like someone just died or she lost her job. It's a slow-growing itch. Something she's trying to think through and weigh out before she acts. She admits it concerns her and seems to be aware it's risky move, but still she is drawn to trying it again.

Now, I'm not in recovery. I like to drink occasionally but have never abused it. I have a beer or two after work and I happily leave it at that. I do keep some at the house but have talked about it with her till no end and offered to give it up. She always insists it doesn't bother her (yes I have considered that she may just be saying that), and until a few weeks ago it really hasn't appeared to tempt her.

A few nights ago she came from the kitchen holding a bottle of beer. It was unopened but it was in her hand. She was holding it and was looking at me and asked if she could drink it. It was open, honest, and she was looking for a second opinion.

I told her that she in fact could drink it if she felt it was right, but that in my heart i didn't feel like it was good for her. It was silent for a minute then I said how I thought that if she did do it, she would most likely feel immediate regret (we've talked about this before and she agrees that she may be immediately upset by having given in and done it). The last thing I said was that she knew before she asked me that I wouldn't necessarily feel good about her drinking, but that it was her choice and hers alone. I told her I want her to make her own decision about whats right and choose whether or not she can live whatever the results may be.

She didn't drink it. She went back to the kitchen and put the bottle away but it made me sad. I went in there and wrapped up around her for a long time. It was a little emotional for me. I just want her to know that she can come to me with whatever feelings she has about this and express them or vent and I will always listen.

I just don't know if I'm saying or doing the right things. If it's best that I don't have beer there or drink around her then I'll give it up. I'm ok with that, but I also recognize that if she want's a drink she'll get one. Me removing my beer might not really make a whole lot of difference.

Any insight would be helpful. Specifically I'm weighing out:

How can I help her?
Should I be trying to help her or is it out of my control?
Does she even need to be helped or do people ever resume drinking at a normal rate?
What can I say and how can I comfort her/be supportive while she goes through this?

Thank you in advance to whoever answers

GracieLou

Is she in a recovery program? If so she should reach out to it.

I can't answer for her but I can never go back to drinking. There is no cure for alcoholism in the sense that we can go back to normal. I was never a normal social drinker in the first place.

Removing the alcohol from the house may help in the short term but if the craving gets to powerful, she will go buy it herself.

You can love her and support her but the decision to seek help at this point is up to her but you can encourage her to reach out.

I pray she finds the strength to not pick up.

Verte

Hello SteveBrule and welcome to this forum

My interpretation, as a woman in early recovery who is also in a loving relationship, is that the woman you love was holding a grenade and asking you if it OK to pull the pin. Or, she was holding a little popper and asking you if she can throw it on the ground. What is the threat? Maybe she does not even know what she was asking of you.

This is unfair of her. Addiction is complex and has enormous capacity for destruction. Recovery is also very powerful.

The 'Friends and Family Forum' will be an excellent resource for you and the understanding you seek - excellent perspectives and experience. The best advice I can offer as a woman in recovery is to understand:

1) that you are in a loving relationship with someone who is in recovery from addiction.

2) Are not responsible for her choices regarding her addiction.

3) Addiction will exist within the relationship and affect both of you differently.

4) She needs support from others, not only you, who understand addiction and can remind her why she chose recovery when she forgets.

5) She is not her addiction but the struggle can be emotionally consuming at times.

6) Obviously she is grappling with 'something' and 'objects in the mirror may be larger than they appear'. You have realized this but it is essential for the woman you love to sort through to help you understand.

I'm not sure if this is helpful at all...remember this is just one person's perspective. I wish you the very best with your quest for understanding.

IOAA2

Hi. I agree with LeTheVerte and would add that you would also be helped by attendind Al Anon meetings to help you understand this disease.

BE WELL

gardendiva

The vast majority of alcoholism research agrees that alcoholics can never successfully moderate. On this site alone you will find tens of thousands who have tried and tried and tried and failed, myself included.

doggonecarl

The relapse begins, in some cases, well before the act of drinking.

I think it's good that she's talking about it with you. I recently relapsed after four years (drugs rather than alcohol) and I didn't tell my wife I was thinking about it. I went into full-on addict sneak mode and when she went out of town for the weekend, I used.

When the voice in our heads goes from thinking about drinking to deciding to drink, it's going to take a real effort to turn that around. Hope you don't have to face that. Hope she doesn't have to face it either.

FeelingGreat

Hi Steve, the others have all made legitimate points, but I'm wondering if she hasn't relapsed already? She seems to have a strong craving and that might be indicative of her having already tasted alcohol.
If you can do anything, you could ask her to seek support as soon as she can. Moderation isn't possible with most alcoholics, but you can't force her not to start. Timely support might make a difference if she's willing.

Hawkeye13

I suggest you both become proactive on recovery.

As another alcoholic who "failed" at moderation despite being able to stay sober relatively easily, I think she's playing with fire and should not go there.

That said, her recovery is hers, and yours is yours.
It's great she's being honest with you, but things can go south really quick
when an alcoholic starts drinking again.

I don't think you can "reset" to zero once you've had the problem.
You're rewired and pretty much begin again where you stopped.
If her problem was serious before, tell her from me she can expect
at the best the same starting point but most likely worse.

I deeply regret picking up again and I managed to stop after a six week binge.
I started out just fine--a beer to unwind, a glass of wine with dinner, no problem.
Then it began to creep upward until I was drinking a bottle, a six pack, and so on.

Many people don't stop again when they relapse for years if ever.

Please both of you take this really seriously as it can destroy the happiness you've built.

Friends and Family forum is a great idea for further info on what you can do / expect.

Best to both of you and I really hope you can resolve this without her drinking again.

Joe Nerv

Didn't read any of the responses as I didn't want to forget the things that immediately came to mind when I read your post.

First and foremost, this is a deadly disease. It is a life or death thing. Not a maybe you can maybe you can't sort of issue. That's usually very clear for us when we first stop drinking, but when things get better it can often seem as though it's not a big a deal. I'm sober 30 years, and I've been where she's at a few times. Alcohol didn't seem so dangerous, I thought I might have been missing out. I've even gotten to a place where I felt maybe I just needed to learn to better deal with life, which I had, and it wouldn't be the same. Thankfully, for me, that was always a signal to up my AA meetings... and well, I got past all those questionable periods.

I can't tell you how many people I know who didn't get past those 5, 10, sometimes over 20 year sober "rethinking" of things. One of my best buddies decided at 23 years sober that he didn't want to live an alcohol free life any more. Was a very conscious decision. 8 years later he's living on his brother's couch, and wished he could get back to a sober life. Another good friend who picked up at 5 years sober wound up toothless, jobless, wifeless and living on a boat. Both these people did great by the way, the first year or so of their experiment. They were able to drink, or so they thought, like normal people. I have a story in my blog about a friend who picked up after 5 years, and a few months later jumped off a roof, ending her life. I can go on and on and on. People don't wind up in recovery from alcohol, if they don't have a bad problem. Your wonderful life is very close to getting tossed out the window.

So... my suggestion to you is to absolutely, without a doubt, quit your beer drinking and get the alcohol out of the house. If that's an issue for you, then you may yourself have a problem that needs investigating. I don't care what your girlfriend tells you, you drinking a couple of beers after work has an effect on her. Period. It may not be immediate, it may not be on a conscious level, she may not even be aware of it, but trust me when I say it's there. If you love her and the life you both have together, be done with it. If it's more important to you than that, then IMO you have an issue.

Only other suggestions I could give would be to urge her to get her butt to some AA meetings, and have a go yourself at some alanon. My wife went to alanon for a while, and I think that has a lot to do with why we're married. We're best friends, we love each other, and she "gets" me. I do believe alcoholics are a special breed, and sometimes a little extra understanding of who we are can go a long way. My final suggestion would be to never trivialize the idea of her drinking, nor help her contemplate it. Helping her to throw question marks into whether she drinks or not will not help her.

A life without alcohol is infinitely better than a life with. Even for a non alcoholic, but that last part is just my opinion. Sorry for the harsh tone in this post, but I feel strongly about all I've stated. You guys seem to have a wonderful gift in this world. Don't let alcohol ruin that. It will.

Live2Run25

It sounds like she wants you to give her the answer, so I would be completely honest with her. How do you really feel if she were to drink again? Did you ever know her when she was a drinker, or was she sober when you met her?

When my now husband and I met, I was still drinking. He saw how bad things were for me. 2 months into our relationship, I quit drinking. He likes me a lot better sober. I too (and very recently) have uttered the words "I'd really like a glass of wine" and he's always said to me he'd TRY to support me no matter what I decided, but always follows up with he thinks it's a bad idea. At this point I realize that there is SOMETHING that is making me want to drink. I think that's going on her in her case too, even if you don't think there is something bothering her, there most likely is. I'd say it can't hurt for you to ditch the beer as well, at least for awhile. Show her that you are dedicated to her sobriety, because that's what she needs. She is doubting herself, and starting to become weak.

You sound like a really great person for caring this much and wanting to do the right thing. Like others have said.. alcoholics can't moderate. If she goes back to drinking, you might not like the person she is. Tell her you don't want to risk your relationship, and you'd really like for her to stay on her sober path.

Best of luck to you!

leviathan

i agree with most of the above responses.

in addition, i want to say"way to go!". youre researching. youre supportive. you CARE. so youre doing everything in your power to weigh in in her thought process.

your research will help YOUR future decisions, and your supportive actions. but, it is a TRUTH that your partner is responsible for whatever action she decides on.

Verte

Hey Joe - when you have time would you mind sharing what you have learned over the years about how alcoholics are a special breed?

Joe Nerv

I do believe a lot of us are a bit more sensitive than most. But that is entirely my opinion. As would be any other thoughts I have regarding that.

Johnsonsober22

I agree with letheverte, I drink turns to two, two turns to a bottle and you know the rest.... Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic, sober or not. Make sure she gets plenty of support from all the right sources