Cheating
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Cheating
Hi there, I am relatively new to this place and was wondering.. Do all alcoholics cheat??? and if they do do that just act like it never happened or do they feel shame? and is this a reason why they continue to drink?? Can alcoholics be loyal.. the type that drink out all the time not at home??
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 1,949
I don't really know what alcohol abuse has to do with infedelity. It seems to me that to aren't necessarily connected to one another. will being drunk lead to a higher chance of bad judgment? yes...but heavy drinkers aren't natural born cheaters. not in any way
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Hi KillerInstinct
I never cheated when I was in a relationship so I'm not sure I can help you with that aspect.
As far as drinking because I felt shame for things I'd done, sure...but I drank for any reason - I had excuses more than reasons.
In your exes case I think you can chalk cheating up as another good reason you left.
D
I never cheated when I was in a relationship so I'm not sure I can help you with that aspect.
As far as drinking because I felt shame for things I'd done, sure...but I drank for any reason - I had excuses more than reasons.
In your exes case I think you can chalk cheating up as another good reason you left.
D
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Drunk people do a lot things they would never do sober. No I don't think all alcoholics cheat but the likelihood of it happening whilst under the influence is far greater. Judgement is poor and little thought is given to consequences etc. Infidelity may be a consequence but I am not of the opinion that alcoholism is the consequence of infidelity.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Not all alcoholics are alike. There are many things the same but we do have unique personalities.
Many lie, cheat and steal while others never do any or some only did one.
I can feel you want closure but you are not going to get that from an active alcoholic. The best advice I can give you is to move on. Try to find a way to forgive and that is for you not for him. It is hard when you want your pain to be accepted by them but it is your pain, not theirs, even though they may have created it.
Rid yourself of the pain by moving on and going on with your life.
Many lie, cheat and steal while others never do any or some only did one.
I can feel you want closure but you are not going to get that from an active alcoholic. The best advice I can give you is to move on. Try to find a way to forgive and that is for you not for him. It is hard when you want your pain to be accepted by them but it is your pain, not theirs, even though they may have created it.
Rid yourself of the pain by moving on and going on with your life.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
Yeah I'm sorry KI but there's not much sense to be gotten from active addiction.
I never really understood myself at those times, let alone other people understanding me.
I hope you can move on.
D
I never really understood myself at those times, let alone other people understanding me.
I hope you can move on.
D
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,907
I'm sorry you're going through this, but GracieLou is right. You will not find closure from an alcoholic. I think closure is something we give ourselves. Only we can decide that it's time to move on and take special care of ourselves. Don't allow yourself to get stuck in the idea that he can make you understand why he did and does the things he does. You can't understand him any more than he can understand you and the idea of living sober.
It's okay to grieve a lost relationship, but don't get stuck there. Grieve for a while and then move on. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't spend too much time in the past. Grieve, shake it off, and then move forward. (((HUGS)))
It's okay to grieve a lost relationship, but don't get stuck there. Grieve for a while and then move on. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't spend too much time in the past. Grieve, shake it off, and then move forward. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Sydney Australia
Posts: 4,225
Hi killerinstinct....I'm sorry whatever happened is still affecting you now, even though you aren't together.
My ex husband never gave me closure on a multitude of things...so a psychologist recommended I journal out my anger, or otherwise I would carry it on with me. And as justified as we feel to be angry...it really only hurts us to hold on to it if they aren't there to work through it.
My ex husband never gave me closure on a multitude of things...so a psychologist recommended I journal out my anger, or otherwise I would carry it on with me. And as justified as we feel to be angry...it really only hurts us to hold on to it if they aren't there to work through it.
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Poconos PA
Posts: 1,544
His cheating was more likely as a result of a thinking mind, not an inebriated mind. If he cheats once while drunk well than maybe it was a blackout but still functioning kind of thing or just a loss of inhibition. If he was doing it over and over, there was premeditation there and drinking has nothing to do with it.
In direct answer to your question though. Not all alcoholics cheat because I never did and I certainly would have thought about it more sober because you have to rationalize something like that. Drinking has a way of softening the brain where thinking doesn't do you very much good. It's the same reason gambling houses offer free booze, they know your reasoning and logic goes out the window and you are more likely to gamble away your money.
Chronic cheating takes a lot of thought so unless it was a one night stand he had a sober mind most of the time he was planning the cheating.
In direct answer to your question though. Not all alcoholics cheat because I never did and I certainly would have thought about it more sober because you have to rationalize something like that. Drinking has a way of softening the brain where thinking doesn't do you very much good. It's the same reason gambling houses offer free booze, they know your reasoning and logic goes out the window and you are more likely to gamble away your money.
Chronic cheating takes a lot of thought so unless it was a one night stand he had a sober mind most of the time he was planning the cheating.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Out in the Sticks
Posts: 1,788
Originally Posted by Sudz No More 
His cheating was more likely as a result of a thinking mind, not an inebriated mind. If he cheats once while drunk well than maybe it was a blackout but still functioning kind of thing or just a loss of inhibition. If he was doing it over and over, there was premeditation there and drinking has nothing to do with it.
In direct answer to your question though. Not all alcoholics cheat because I never did and I certainly would have thought about it more sober because you have to rationalize something like that. Drinking has a way of softening the brain where thinking doesn't do you very much good. It's the same reason gambling houses offer free booze, they know your reasoning and logic goes out the window and you are more likely to gamble away your money.
Chronic cheating takes a lot of thought so unless it was a one night stand he had a sober mind most of the time he was planning the cheating.
In direct answer to your question though. Not all alcoholics cheat because I never did and I certainly would have thought about it more sober because you have to rationalize something like that. Drinking has a way of softening the brain where thinking doesn't do you very much good. It's the same reason gambling houses offer free booze, they know your reasoning and logic goes out the window and you are more likely to gamble away your money.
Chronic cheating takes a lot of thought so unless it was a one night stand he had a sober mind most of the time he was planning the cheating.
That's the post of the day right there , well said
I would fight sober , but resisted the impulse , alochol
Made resisting impossible .
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Originally Posted by killerinstinct
none of it makes sense
i know it's no comfort, and possibly you cannot believe it, but the experience of alcoholism isn't a rational one. i didn't really "get" that until i'd tried to quit a gazillion times and kept going back to it.
no, it doesn't make sense.
can you accept the no-sense part? if you can, then do.
otherwise, you'll keep struggling to understand behaviour that can't really be understood in the way we can understand most "normal" behaviours.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
Hello to all who replied to me thread... after several days of thinking about it I've realised something... even before I realised he was a drinker... I never trusted my man.. I always felt uneasy about something and could never work it out up until today... he is a huge flirt..
whether he would flirt to achieve something or just be a show off about it and thought it was okay I don't know but since realising this I now understand why I asked do alcoholics cheat. In his sober state he was always walking up to the most attractive girl to talk to her and would stick his big chest out and get all charming with them.right infront of me, he'd never touch them but would make it very obvious he was connecting with them and noticing them, this was in his sober state... it made me feel so so worthless and would make me really angry all the time so id yell at him! Wow things are staring to makes sense now... so with that in mind id say God only knows what he did all those times I wasn't around.
whether he would flirt to achieve something or just be a show off about it and thought it was okay I don't know but since realising this I now understand why I asked do alcoholics cheat. In his sober state he was always walking up to the most attractive girl to talk to her and would stick his big chest out and get all charming with them.right infront of me, he'd never touch them but would make it very obvious he was connecting with them and noticing them, this was in his sober state... it made me feel so so worthless and would make me really angry all the time so id yell at him! Wow things are staring to makes sense now... so with that in mind id say God only knows what he did all those times I wasn't around.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
We often choose a partner that compliments how we see ourselves. He is an ex - use this as an opportunity to work on yourself. Al Anon comes to mind or therapy. Why were you knowingly putting yourself in a toxic relationship that you allowed him to abuse you in this way? Dealing with this insecurity or whatever the root cause will help build your confidence and find someone who compliments the strong woman you were meant to be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 399
yes I am working very very hard on myself it's been incredibly rewarding as I have avoided a lot of bad relationships since because I'm doing the hard yards.. it still hurts and is upsetting that I was taken for granted but nonetheless I've learnt so much. I've learnt you can not change anyone, that I am better than being abused, and that I am
not the cause or to blame for the choices people make.
not the cause or to blame for the choices people make.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 3,359
A healthy relationship is like two oak trees on the side of a river. Each standing tall and having their own root system. Either would survive is one was swept into the river because of their own root systems. When the wind blows though the branches can commingle together. I used to think a healthy relationship was where the roots were intertwined and both trees leaned on each other (codependent). It has taken a lot of hard work to change this about myself and work on cleaning my side of the street.
I understand and it sounds like you are doing good work. Good honest work is always rewarded. Does not sound like this guy deserved you anyhow.
I understand and it sounds like you are doing good work. Good honest work is always rewarded. Does not sound like this guy deserved you anyhow.
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