ellaj

Still haunted by the past and frustrated by the lack of acknowledgment from my AH that he devastated our family with his years of drinking. While I am proud of his continued recovery I am still angered by his "let's move on" approach. I don't have closure for all we went through and I'm stuck in this annoying limbo of not wanting to pretend everything is great. He has his circle of AA who validates his feelings and I'm still in the same place. How do I move on with love when I'm still so angry and he doesn't acknowledge it or accept that he caused that hurt?
Thanks for your input,
Ella

Mountainmanbob

kind of reminds me of a new thread started here on site

"too much talking about the Program at home ??"

hopefully your husband will learn in time
there is much more to this sobriety thing than just not drinking

as we know most alcoholics are very self centered
even after putting the plug in the jug
this usually takes great time in which to correct (even for one who works hard)
I know because it's still an issue with me after 6 years sober

MM

GracieLou

I assume this means he did not make amends? If he is not at that step yet then he is not there yet. How long has he been sober?

It is possible to forgive even when you have received no apology, hard, but it is possible. I don't say that for his benefit, I say it for yours.

Gottalife

If you have access to a big book, pages 82 and 83 make suggestions on how an alcoholic might make amends to his family. Perhaps an opportunity will arise where you can indicate you would be willing to sit down with the family and him and go through this.

A lot of AAs these days don't practice what is in the book. It may not be his choice but that of the group in which he is involved, or the type of sponsor he has. Some people think just stopping drinking is enough. It doesn't pay to have expectations about someone's progress in the program, it can lead to disappointment and resentment.

Perhaps your actions should be based on what is best for you and your family first. I can't tell you what to do, but I suggest you follow your conscience. Try and forgive him, he is a sick man after all, but unless you see some contrition through amends, perhaps it is not wise to expect much to change.

ellaj

No amends, close to 1 year in recovery. Maybe too soon, but never wants to acknowledge wake of devastation behind him and seems genuinely surprised that his kids not eager to connect with him. He shrugs off any mention I make to defend them by saying you don't know how bad it was and what you did to us. He says he's sure it was bad but wants to move forward and not look back. That's fine for him but I'm having real trouble with it.

Thank you for your words of wisdom.

fini

ellaj,
you might find the friends-and-family groups farther down the forum list a place to check out. lots of support there from people who have experience with "your side" of this. (and yes, i know it's not "sides" as such)

PhaseTwo

Yes you deserve an apology. It's not that difficult to say sorry. After he does apologize then let him move on, don't dwell on it. That's just my opinion

zjw

I imagine your pretty frustrated but for what its worth i didnt fess up that i really had a drinking problem till into the second year. and even then i wouldnt give up too much. IE my wife probably wanted me to go yes dear your right i have a horrible dirnking problem on day one. that wasnt gonna happen. For starters I did not view my drinking as a problem for me becuase it was not I was totally content to drink myself into oblivian. as far as i'm concerned they may all have had a problem with it but that was there issue I was just fine. Now yes I had some other things going on that where problems but in my mind had nothing to do with my drinking etc.. Fast forward into that second year i'd jokingly say something like no no drinking problem who mwah? no never.. but it was fairly out in the open at that point and just well understood.

I sometimes wonder if my wife would like a formal apology. I'm not really sure how to address that she doesnt bring it up or nothing so I just leave it alone. For me an apology would be that admission of what i did and the guilt thats going to go along with it. I'd have to face the music lets say on the the crap i drug her through. She might drag me throught he mud some about it I dunno. Its not an expierence i'd like to go through I'm trying to hold my head high these days if i give that up and she drags me through the mud well I dunno I might end up in the gutter again. Heck I could very easily drag myself thorugh the mud over what i've done. In my case I have a lot of guilt but I try to toss that out and move forward.

I'm not entirely sure all your details but in my case thats kinda how it is. maybe my wife doesnt even care and is just happy i'm sober now I dunno. But yeah in my case i do wonder should i apologize i dunno

Db1105

Al-anon

Weaver

He needs to suck it up and apologize. Support is fantastic and much needed in maintaining sobriety, but you (in general) are not supposed to be a raging alcoholic who destroys your family. "Just quitting" is not good enough in my opinion, at least based on what seemed to be a rocky past in your situation (and mine)

I would tell him how you feel. The selfishness is still there, and you deserve to have your feelings heard/tended to.

Weaver

I think it is important to apologize for what we did to harm our loved ones while in active alcoholism/addiction. If you apologizing, and her reaction would cause you to drink again then I think there are deeper issues in your recovery (so to speak) that need to be addressed no?

GracieLou

I agree but just a "I am sorry" is not the point of amends.

There are steps to take before that point and if he has not done them yet then the apology will be without real remorse and missing a key ingredient "to make things right".

If he is currently working a solid program then for right now he is making a living amends. The past amends take time and they are difficult to do. That said they are required to move on, not only for the alcoholic but for the family/friends that were harmed.

It is painful not to have someone say they are sorry for hurting you. As I stated it is possible to forgive without that apology.

My pain is valid without another admitting it to me. You have the right to feel angry for you and your children. It is what we do with that anger that can make the difference in out lives.

Mountainmanbob

if we push and push
usually
we can force an apology from someone
but -- it will not be real

when I think of the word apology
it reminds me of the biblical meaning for the word Repentance

REPENT'ANCE, n. 1. Sorrow for any thing done or said; the pain or grief which a person experiences in consequence of the injury or inconvenience produced by


:: Search the 1828 Noah Webster's Dictionary of the English ...
1828.mshaffer.com

karate

You have to forgive people for you , not them

mejo

Do you attend Al Anon? In Al Anon, we work the same steps the A does. You sound like you may be harboring resentment. The steps will help YOU work through that. The past needs to be layed to rest, and if you start working your own program, you will be able to do that. You will also find a circle of people who understand you, just like your RAH has in AA. He will get to a place to make amends in time with his program in AA. You will be able to "let it go" until he does.

NYCDoglvr

It's time for your recovery. Alanon saved my sanity and turned my thinking around.

In Step 9 of the 12 Steps recovering alcoholics make amends to those we have harmed by our drinking. I doubt that an apology right now would make any difference because your husband must prove he's worthy of your trust, respect and love; that takes a lot of time. It may be that it's too late and you must move on.

I hope you re-post this in the Friends and Family area of this forum, where you can find a lot of good advice and support from others who have been involved with alcoholics.

Weaver

So his "steps" dictate when he is or is not ready to [I]actually[I] apologize and make amends? I don't understand that logic.

You do no have to work any steps to apologize and be sincere about all the wrong you have committed (the alcoholic) I say this from person experience. It is human nature to know when you are wrong. This is just another way an alcoholic is being selfish IMO.

Sorry, I do not mean to come across as mean. I just think back at all the things I did to my family while drinking (more so didn't do)and cannot imagine not genuinely apologizing.

I understand the 12 steps (to those who practice AA) are needed for a full recovery, but sometimes you have to look past that and do what other people do...ya know...accept the wrong you have done and apologize (words and actions) I put my wife thru hell for years (as well as other alcoholics did to their families) so now they have to way even LONGER...until the ALCOHOLIC "feels ready?" idk...I think it is kind of selfish.

mejo

I agree with everything you said, whole heartedly. I wish every RA thought like you do. Awesome to hear, and thank you.

Croissant

Ella...that's really shocking.

He can't fix what he doesn't acknowledge though. That's the crucial point. How very frustrating, my thoughts are with you.

I'm a huge believer in not playing victim, moving forward and not living in the past - but I cannot stand when people minimise things. It looks and feels abusive to me, like "I know I knocked you around, but I never broke your arm or anything".

I also think taking a good hard look at what devastation has been caused should form part of reasons for NOT drinking again.

Weaver

Sorry for the typos