Mirage74

I'm 2 weeks sober and when I get this far along, I become painfully aware of the lack of support I get from friends and family. I sometimes feel like I'm just supposed to quit drinking, snap my fingers, and everything is supposed to be ok. I mean, I don't expect to be doted on, but it'd be nice if someone showed a little empathy. Expecting to be strong all the time in early sobriety is exhausting.

My family acts like I don't have a problem. It's how I grew up, always expecting to be ok, like nothing ever bothers me. Just soldier on.

I just can't afford to do that this time. It has gotten me drunk in the past and will again if I don't tell on myself.

I've watched that show intervention and seem how the family rallies around the addict and supports and encourages them to get sober. I get just the opposite. Just pretend like it's not real, like they don't want to admit it. Is that some cold-hearted **** or what?

I can see why rehab is such a booming business. Let's you get away and just focus on recovery for a while.

Support can be really powerful in recovery, esp. early on. To those who have shown support, from this site and other places, believe me, it doesn't go unnoticed.

Dee74

Sometimes we just don;t get the support we want from family and friends Mirage74.
Sad, but true.

Have you thought of finding support at AA or one of the other meeting based recovery groups, at all?

D

Kitkat331

It's so hard, I've had the same thought--like, I'm working SO HARD just to do this thing that people around me do without a second thought. So, of course they're not that impressed--it's not hard for them.

That's why you come here. . We're impressed! Great job getting to two weeks, that is a huge accomplishment.

The first month I told myself I was "in rehab" (at home) so I could get away with doing less on my day to day responsibilities. They were lucky I was doing anything! If I was in rehab everyone would have to completely get along without me--plus pay the enormous bill. So, they could certainly manage with a scaled-back version of me for a month or two.

Mirage74

Yea, Dee, I'm going to AA. I guess I just need to open up and let the group know where I'm at. I find that difficult to do. I think it's that old learned behavior - don't let anyone know there's a problem. I've got to figure out a way to work through that. I hear other men open up about their struggles, I just have trouble doing that in a meeting.

That's why this site is great. I can get some of it out here.

Dee74

I had great trouble asking for help too. The first time is the hardest - it gets easier after that

D

dSober

My wife's whole family was very much like that. My dad just didn't give a damn. I was fortunate my mom was very open and it rubbed off on me. I'm doing a 4th step now and that just doesn't work unless you open up wide and confront your demons.

missboots

Just my two cents- my husband's family can be like that. If they don't talk about the problem, there is no problem. And I know from experience that when my husband was trying to quit, once we got past him being sober for a few days I would get very anxious so I would try not to point it out. He would tell me how many days sober and I suppose I should have been more supportive. But there were other issues. I'm not trying to excuse the people around you. I just think they don't understand and appreciate the absolute hard work you are putting into quitting. Two weeks is amazing. I'm happy for you and cheering you on like I'd cheer on anyone fighting to get sober.

Wendolene

Firstly - well done on your two weeks! The first days are very hard and you have managed to get through it! Great job .

Secondly, do you have any phone numbers from your AA meetings? I have found that just the occasional text to those you have met can open up a whole conversation. You may well find that lots of other members have been in the same boat. If there is anyone you feel comfortable around in the group, maybe go up to them after the meeting and chat one-to-one? I'm very shy and there are some days where I find it very hard to share and almost feel like no-one's on my wavelength. But, the more I have spoken to people individually, the more I have discovered that what I am experiencing is perfectly normal.

Do your rehab centre have any sort of aftercare regime? We have free once-weekly group therapy sessions, which involve a very small group (at the ones I've attended, there's usually only been 4 or 5 of us) - probably much smaller than your typical AA meeting. I've always felt more comfortable opening up there.

Finally, I have completely been where you are. My partner has threatened to move out at the end of our tenancy if I either pick up again or my behaviour doesn't change (I have severe anxiety, depression and OCD - the latter of which is unbearable now I've stopped drinking and started caring about the little things again). I don't need that additional pressure, when I am already struggling. While I was still drinking, my dad would say things like 'I've already had to deal with your pisshead mother, I don't need another in the house' and 'you could stop completely today if you really wanted to'. I've also had the comment made that I use drinking again as a threat, when I feel like I'm seriously at risk of a relapse at the time and just want some help, rather than hindrance.

You are certainly not alone - you will find a tremendous amount of support on these forums, so keep up with the posting as you have been.

I wish you all the best,

Wendolene x

IOAA2

Hi. In a lot of cases people think that our struggles are an easy thing to overcome and being sober is an expected characteristic. They just don’t get it!
My thinking was that if I don’t pick up that first drink I won’t have to go through this again as I can’t change anyone except myself.

BE WELL

DoubleDragons

I am sorry. I so relate. When I was 18 or 19, I announced to my family that I thought I had a drinking problem. My parents had the attitude of, "Well, then quit or get help." Mostly, though, I felt ridiculed for being a drama queen. Retrospectively, I don't think my family wanted me to "rain on their drinking parade." So, as a good little codie, I continued to drink alcohol until I was 42. A main part of the reason that I quit drinking is that I have watched my mother turn into a full blown alcoholic, drinking in the mornings, coming to family events drunk, etc.

I have quit for about 8 months now and I feel like I can't even talk about it with my extended family. They treat it like an "indictment" on their drinking. My husband has been very supportive, but has no understanding of how hard it has been for me to quit and stay quit. He basically quit drinking with me as a show of support and to lose weight, but as a "normie", it was very easy for him. So, I think he thinks it was easy for me.

Since all of my family and friends are drinkers, I do find it lonely at times, dealing with my alcohol problems. SR is a Godsend and sometimes I spend a great amount of time here just to be with others who understand. So, Mirage, I am letting you know . . . (((((((((((I understand.)))))))))))))))

CodeJob

Thanks Mirage for sharing your feelings here.

How many times have you started down the recovery road? How many times was it just talk? From the other side, we sort of get numbed out. The heartbreak wears down the most empathetic. In Al Anon we are told to stay "on our own side of the street." Though to be sure, emotionally disconnected family may indeed just be blocked and incapable of giving you support. Likely they are like that in more than just their reaction to your A. I have a habit of expecting connection from individuals perhaps truly incapable of it. I so hate it when people tell me to stop going to the hardware store for bread.

Clearly these people do not shop at Menards - a monster sized hardware store that does sell bread. So don't twist this lack of support into more than it might be.

I wish you a great day sober!

Mags1

Hi Mirage, I guess it's hard for anyone, even family, to walk in our shoes.

On this forum we understand what you're going through to some extent. We can empathise with each other. How I hear people at work judge other peoples behaviours without knowing the facts.

The closest ones to us are probably the least to understand. My husband knows I come on this forum and to start with he said that I could talk to him, but now and again if I broach my alcoholism he switches off, he doesn't really want to talk to me at all about it, he thinks I'm better now and should just get on with life.

Just a thought, would it be worthwhile just writing down how you feel then if you want to speak at the aa meeting, if it's ok, read out all or some of your written thoughts.

doggonecarl

This could be the problem with your family. You can't put on a strong front, then expect empathy...you are sending a mixed message.

Clearly state to your family what they can do to help. And when you say "empathy" be prepared to define what that means to you.

totfit

Sometimes detachment may be helpful. I think that sometimes I expect too much from others. The most helpful thing that my spouse has done in our relationship and how it works for me is that her, and my extended family leave the not drinking thing/recovery to me. I guess also I can't really expect their "empathy" for me just doing what I should be doing all along. Support can come in many different forms, but one of them is just staying out of the way. This has been helpful for me. It is after all "my" issue. Empathy is very difficult to have also if you can't put yourself in another persons place. If you really can't understand addiction then it would be hard to have empathy for someone trying to overcome.

gaffo

I certainly felt this in my early days. That's why I came here, where everyone understands what we are going through. I am lucky (?) to have realized long ago, way way before I quit drinking even, that resentment is a toxic emotion that must be controlled for growth to occur. Ironically, I believe this is why I was such a "good drunk"--I wasn't crying into my beer about the ways that the world had wronged me like so many do. My advice is hang in there for yourself because sobriety does get easier, ask for what you need, let the negative moments pass, and savor the good times while you can. It's good to be alive!

CAPTAINZING2000

That's the purpose of attending AA. We have a slogan a problem shared is half repaired. We might not all have the exact same problems but we do understand what each of us feels.