Ptcapote

Hi Everyone,

I know it's been quite awhile since I have posted. I can give you a thousand reasons why but it doesn't really matter, I'm back.

The good news? I am still sober. Celebrated 15 months on May 14 and my life has turned around in so many ways that it is nothing short of a miracle. My health, my job, my relationships, my finances...all of it.

The bad news? I think I am getting "blah" about my recovery and I am scared. I have not contemplated drinking and I am in a 12 Step program but lately I just feel so detached from everything. I go to meetings, I maintain my support network but I keep feeling like something is "missing."

To top it off, my sponsor who has been an amazing influence and rock for me just relapsed last night. She had 6 1/2 years and I could sense it coming but couldn't seem to stop it. I don't feel guilty, per se, as I know we are all responsible for our own recovery, but that kind of was just heartbreaking for me.

So now I really feel adrift. Silly, I know.

But I am back here where I first got sober and stayed sober for my first year thanks to all of you.

Any thoughts, advice or just hellos would be warmly welcomed.

I am in a country in West Africa for work at the moment where it is impossible to get to meetings (if they exist) because of safety restrictions so I'm just going to hang out here tonight and this weekend.

Thanks, guys.

Hevyn

It's really good to see you again Ptcapote.

Glad you are still sober, and I hope talking things over here will help. I got blah a few times too, but knew I couldn't head back into hell.

jaynie04

Hey PT….you have been missed!!! What a delight to see the prancing pup!

I don't blame you for feeling adrift. Being in a foreign country and handling the relapse of a sponsor is no small feat. I think it is pretty remarkable that you were intuitive enough to reach out and know that you need a bit more of an anchor right now.

Someone explained (in very very simplistic terms I am sure not technical) to me once how to think of turbulence on a plane. They likened it to being on a boat and hitting waves. I have always imagined it that way since and it has alleviated a lot of anxiety when I am flying and we hit rough patches. When the plane is bouncing around I have a sense that I am in a vehicle that can handle the bumps, that I need to have faith that if I keep my seatbelt on at some point the uncomfortable sense of feeling unsure of what lays ahead will end.

It sort of sounds like that is where you are right now…coasting over a patch of turbulence, and maybe even have some kid behind you kicking the seat…. Allow yourself to feel the bumps, know you can't control the externals, and remember that this bumpy bit will end. Reaching out here is like hitting the call button so the flight attendants can assure you that this happens periodically but that it will end.

So good to see you, sorry you are struggling. 15 months is amazing!! You are amazing, you can ride these waves, you are in a sturdy vehicle. And one thing is for sure, the landscape beneath you might change, but at some point it will level out and you will look back and appreciate that you made it safely!

Dee74

Really good to see you again pt
Jaynie's said a mouthful really.

Sometimes life will challenge us, drunk or not - and we have to learn to surf those waves as much as we once learned to surf our urges.

I think posting here a little more regularly could help - if West African IT is up to it

D

Ptcapote

Thanks Jaynie! I've missed you guys, too. And the airplane analogy is very, very apt. Thank you. And I do adore the flight attendants here as well

Quite honestly, I'm pi$$ed (in the angry, American way, not the inebriated British way ) at my sponsor and I know I have no right to feel that way but still, there it is.

And I am still pretty new at this whole "feeling emotions" game that really hit me with a vengeance about eight or nine months into sobriety and is just now letting up after much learned and relearned coping skills. Anyway, that's just another reason why your analogy is so apt. It's just like turbulence when you get that initial shock and the bottom drops out of your stomach and you're left grasping at the arms of your seat. I got that text message this morning from her, my stomach dropped, and I started grasping. It did have the effect of shocking me out of my "blahs" but I'd have preferred another way. (Wouldn't we all?)

Anyway! Thanks for the welcome back and I do plan to stick around. At this point, the more resources, and flight attendants, the better.