when people critique your spending habits
 

I recently sold my problem car and am searching for another. last night my dad while we where going to look at a car jokingly but not so jokingly took a stab at my spending habits. IE had i not bought a couple things back in feb perhaps my problem wouldnt stink so bad now sorta thing.

I thought to myself geeze I know hindsite is 20/20 but back when i bought those things totaling 1200 dollars or so I had no idea I'd have this car issue staring at me a couple months later. and its not like I had no money tucked away incase of a problem I just didnt have money tucked away incase of a problem quite this big. And besides 1200 more towards my issue is irrelevant.

I'm not askign him for money I never do. He's too tight with his money I know not to ask him. That being said he has no issue paying other kids car payments or wtvr else go figure. I'm the only kid that never asks for nothing cause I know i'll get told no or he'll complain about it.

I got to thinking back when i drank like a fish and smoked like a chimney he never said squat about my choices. This isnt the first itme either not too long ago he accused me of being anorexic and was giving me a hard time for loosing weight. I at that time told him well when i was well over 100lbs over weight drank like crazy and smoked you never cared never said a word now you got a big mouth you cant contain yourself?

and mind you I bit my tongue for a long time till i barked back at him about the weight loss thing. he had been making comments for a while.

My wife also volunteers at a homeless shelter Oh boy he cant wait to make fun of her for that and he has made the comment that if money is so tight how come she doesnt get a job instead of volunteering at a shelter etc..

Its one of those times where you think is it me? is there something wrong with me? should I go back to smoking and drinking? I swear people liked me more then but I like me more now.

just had to vent curious peoples opinions maybe i'm nuts or doing something wrong.

parents can be huge triggers.
detach emotionally from his crap.

you're doing great in sobriety, and sometimes that threatens people who want to
feel superior. Not saying that's the case, but boy, parents can be competitive with their kids.

I think it's great your wife does that.

Hawkeye took my response. :tongue:

But yeah, you're doing great and if you like yourself, that's really all that matters. I'll bet your wife likes you better sober, too. :)

Yeah, what hawkeye and suki said. My dad is great but not the most sensitive person sometimes. Family members can really push our buttons sometimes!

Good luck finding a new car, and congrats on your weight loss and sobriety!

If I sat around waiting for my mother to give me hugs, kisses, encouragement and love to keep me sober I might as well go back to drinking cause it isn’t gonna happen.

I have learned to accept the things I cannot change. Once I accept them, like the fact that I am an alcoholic, I could let go and quit fighting with it. I had to let go of my desire to control how another person thinks. At times it does not seem fair but it is not up to me. I can’t change it so there is not reason to continue to become upset about it.

Live and let live.

yep I try to distance myself. But at the same time I always have this inner desire to have a good relationship with him. Its like you lower your gaurd and you warm up to the person again and just get stung again.

I need to keep my distance or figure out how to not allow it to sting. Its how he is I know that nothings gonna change with him. I should keep my distance or not allow it to get to me.

Least I'm not insane here. yes with the shelter my wife could get a job but minimum wage a couple nights a week is not going to make or break anything around here for us. we both agreed a better use ofher time would be for her to be at that shelter. and I wont lie I have 6 kids i have to tend to while shes off doing that. It can be frustrating But i know its a good thing So i dont give her grief about it.

My father said she should bag groceries or something so that we can afford a better car instead of working at that shelter. I'm like umm so we should get strapped with a loan for 5 years while she bags groceries to pay for it?

I dunno I'd rather her be at the shelter we can figure this out another way ya know.

I wish I had something for you ZJW. My old man has driven me crazy for years, forever, really. I finally settled most of it by living 2500 miles away. He is very weird with money and expectations, like your dad. Every time I think we're beyond it something comes up that brings it right back. Just thinking about it now confuses me. I think he's from a generation that just pushed stuff down and covered it up with booze and denial. God only knows what kind of weird baggage he's carrying around from his dad, another ultra successful guy who died very young. What I can do is not be that guy to my son. Also, recognizing the weirdness and not letting it ferment into resentment. Living up to my own expectations and being able to look at myself in the mirror has to be enough in this case. Good luck, man.

you should spend a couple weeks with my wife. talk about nagging over spending - and this was even before I lost my job! Not to mention yelling at me for not going to the gym...

My folks were dirt poor so money was never an issue - really. Can't spend what you don't have. They were too proud to take food stamps so we starved when we were little.

Parents mean well. Sometimes you have to put yourself in their shoes to get an understanding of why they think and act as they do. I was left on my own because my siblings were special needs. Basically I had to fend for myself. I held a lot of hard feelings for a long time - resentments.
But now that I am wiser, I see that they dealt with what they could in the best way they knew how. They didn't love me or care for me any less. They put their energy and focus on where it was really needed.
Perhaps it is your father's way - by treating you differently. He may think he has to be tougher on you? Maybe?

Parents offer lots of unsolicited advice ,we do mean well

I do anyway .

There will always be critics in the world - within our families, our workplace, online. etc. Sometimes criticism is positive - in a work review for example.

Unsolicited criticism is usually not though, and it's pretty easy to determine right off the bat if it is or not. I generally deal with this type of criticism by simply ignoring it. There's nothing I can do to change how other people think, and that's simply what criticism is - someone telling you what they think. We have zero control over how the minds of others work, we have enough problems dealing with our own minds as addicts/alcoholics.

I can relate I never had to go hungry but boy where my meal slections rather interesting. My parents had too much pride for food stamps and such too. Heck I have too much pride for it too myself these days. Tho I'll be honest I cant help but think if i'm in that predicament I might just take the help it seems to be the norm these days in this country.

Yeah in the last 20 minutes he sent an email to me makeing another smart mouth joke about my wife and the shelter. I dunno what gives.

and its funny the people volunteering there got IONS of problems way worse then mine even they could just as easily sit home like he does and watch tv. But no they are there giving there time.

and the people at the shelter. My god could one critique some of there poor choices in life that got them there. But just like someone like me who is an alcoholic and made some stinken terrible choices too these people just need some compassion somone to helpt hem on the right course. Maybe they will get it this time maybe they wont. Ya know I mighta tried to sober up 120019201 times but some people never gave up on me and now it stuck and now i'm sober. These homeless people are not much different it might take them a lot of trial and error to get there life back on track. But someones gotta be there to help them. Cant just toss em to the wolves. And yeah being that someone to help them aint for everyone. Everyones got a place tho.

He's bitter etc.. I get comments like this from him and other peopel and you start second guessing some of the few good choices you have made in life. IE getting sober wife helping at that shelter etc.. Its pretty easyt o tell yourself you aint no good its even easier when someone else is telling you that too.

I had to learn to have very firm boundaries with my parents.

They may still at times think those same things as before but they don't say them to me.

Sorry you have to deal with that additional stress.. Parents ultimately do want nothing but to see you succeed in life.. speaking of finances and on a positive note think of all the money you've saved by not drinking and smoking :)

well yeah that was my thinking he was mad at me for the 1200 i spent in feburary and i'm thinking geeze I spent stoopid amounts of money on beer and smokes month after month and he never said one word. I got a couple things I could easily turn around and sell and get my money back and somehow this is bad.

your right it beats the money i woulda spent on booze. I havent spend squat on myself in the last year aside from that really and my pair of running shoes.

In times past I would have spent a few hundred on smokes and a few hundred on booze a month *sigh*.

all the while i'll be 37 this year and i have 6 kids I'd like to think i'm an adult and can make my own choices about how i spend my money sheeesh I never ask him for a dime so why should he care.

My dad told me to do as he said, not as he did.

Best advice he gave me.

I loved him, albeit at somewhat of a distance as a result of his negativity, but I don't strive to be like him, in most matters, at least, and I don't value a lot of his negative comments.

I don't need that kind of nonsense in my life.

Take care, amigo.

Parents have the ability to bring you right back to childhood and make you feel like it all over again - IF YOU LET THEM.

Perhaps, just maybe, it bugs you because there is a hint of truth to it.

I usually have to admit that if something really bothers me, its either something that I am worked up about, or its a fault or character defect that I'm not dealing with yet.

I mean, Im sure there are tons of things he COULD have said, that you would find silly and not get offended by.

Also, you were going WITH your dad to look at cars, so it makes some sense that he would be thinking about the situation and commenting on it.

If I don't want my parents input about something, I don't rely on them or include them in it.

double barrel there cold be a hint of truth to it. hindsite tells me I shouldnt have spent a dime I shoulda saved every cent. I could beat myself up over that. but the reality is the few bucks I woulda saved would be rather insignificant towards my current predicament so I cant let it get to me. and besides its in the past anyhow.

I'd like to not include him and generally i wouldnt. But I'm trying to spend some time with him even tho he's driven me nuts in the last few years I'm trying here. I also have no friends so if i purchase a vehicle I have no way to get it home so I gotta rely on him for that. Kinda stinks but it is what it is.

I used to be literally at war with my mother. Every comment, every criticism, she was constantly nitpicking and critical and all of that.

I just decided one day to stop engaging and stop reacting.

I am frankly amazed at how much changed. No more fights, no more nasty tones, it really does take two to tango.

It was when I really started analyzing my own behavior and what it was that I was doing by allowing her to annoy me and instigate issues, that I did what is possible. SHE will likely never change. I DID, and it has been a revelation. And I am actually enjoying her presence more than I can recall in decades.

I relate to what you are dealing with. I live with my parents right now! They both can be pretty overbearing. And they both drink heavy. It's tough, it was worse in early sobriety. I just had to remind myself I needed their help and without them I could be homeless and/or in jail. And I may not have been able to get sober when I did without them. So, I pray for them, I ask God to show me how to help them and I apologize if I get ugly with them. I am making plans to move now as well. Don't take this the wrong way, but I noticed you mentioned you didn't feel your dad treated you like that when you were using, do you think it's possible maybe he did make some out of line comments and you just didn't notice? We were talking about that tonight in IOP, like many of us (I know I definitely) become more sensitive sober. So we would deal with some spiritually sick people all along, but didn't really notice it until we became better.