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struggling a bit

Old 05-19-2014, 08:11 AM
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struggling a bit

Hi All,

I've been doing really well recently and have just hit 101 days sober. To be honest I was finding it all pretty easy.

Saturday afternoon Me and my grandad were digging out a new driveway at my house and amazing for the UK the son was belting down. Really hot, dry work and in passing my dad says to me "it was days and jobs like these that beers were made for. Shame we can't be trusted." He doesn't drink either.

The problem was it gave me a real moment of clear imagery of me and him sipping a bud, taking a break in the sun, like the good old days when we renovated a few properties together and used to celebrate a job well done with a couple of cold ones. I now can't seem to shake this image though and it's coming to me really clear really frequently.

During my dinner at work I walked to the local shop to buy and sandwich and before I knew why I found myself in the alcohol isle just staring at the beers. Didn't even think to walk down that isle like my feet just lead me there. Any time i stop and daydream my thoughts keep taking me to that image of sitting in the sun with that beer in my hand, I'm starting to get other feelings of warm nostalgia now that are linked along the same sort of lines and its really testing my commitment....really freaked me out how i just seemed to wander down the beer isle before i realised what I was doing.

Sorry for the post I know I'm not really asking for anything it's just I thought I was ok and now I almost feel defeated before I've been defeated if that makes sense.
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Old 05-19-2014, 08:20 AM
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I have followed your posts from the start - what mountains you are moving MM. This is okay...remember you are not your thoughts. Which is why your romantic ideas are a mirage.

Go back and read your first posts to remind yourself of where you left off because that is exactly where you will start. Once we cross that line there is no going back and your mind is play tricks thinking you can go back to those carefree days, sipping on a beer in the hot sun...that is not possible without much focus and determination and then its not carefree anymore.

It might be helpful to think about what else is going on in your life that is causing your addiction to be more active? This is where RR refers to your thoughts as beastly.
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Old 05-19-2014, 08:27 AM
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JD- That's been another way my thoughts have been leading....I have the romanticized imagery followed by a big wave of resentment.......resentment aimed at myself for taking something I enjoyed and destroying it...I took something I liked and broke it beyond repair, it actually reminds me of my very first girlfriend when I was about 15, i was totally head over heals for her and was consumed by jealousy asking her where she was going who she was talking to etc, in the end she had enough and I had the same feelings of resentment then at myself for taking something good and breaking it....I don't like weakness and when you look in a mirror and see that weakness in yourself it can be hard to swallow.
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Old 05-19-2014, 08:27 AM
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Yeah, the good times we had, eh?

Not so fast....

Being early in your sobriety is the thing here, in my opinion, and sooner or later you were going to have to face the deeper desires you once enjoyed satisfying with drinking a cold one. It's not about you're missing something in your plans to stay sober, its really you've finally made a difference in your life on quitting that is causing you to actually change out your lifestyle, and so naturally those challenges inherent in change are becoming felt.

The alcohol-starved chickens have come home to roost sort of thing going on here, where we in the past justified our troubles away so as to enjoy that beer even though our life was crumbling down around us.

Now things are different, your life is good without alcohol, but the justifications yet exist in your mind. I suggest you review why you quit a hundred or so days ago, and hold those reasons up to the light of your present success with quitting. You'll soon understand staying quit is the only real and true journey forward. All other choices just lead back to quitting again if you drink anyways.

It isn't always easy to see how we romanced ourselves with drink, but we did just that nonetheless back in the day, yeah?

Today is a different day for all of us...
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Old 05-19-2014, 08:36 AM
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Before I had a Spiritual Awakening, I thought about drinkin most of the time and had to think about not-drinkin all of the time.
It was a never ending struggle analogous to the Myth of Sisyphus.

After I had a Spiritual Awakening, I stopped thinking of drinkin, I stopped thinkin of not-drinkin and I stopped needing to choose between the two.

Not-drinkin has nothing to do with why I am sober today. I have RECOVERED the same attitude towards liquor as
I had as a child before I knew the benefits of alcohol.
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Old 05-19-2014, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by MarathonMan View Post
JD- That's been another way my thoughts have been leading....I have the romanticized imagery followed by a big wave of resentment.......resentment aimed at myself for taking something I enjoyed and destroying it...I took something I liked and broke it beyond repair, it actually reminds me of my very first girlfriend when I was about 15, i was totally head over heals for her and was consumed by jealousy asking her where she was going who she was talking to etc, in the end she had enough and I had the same feelings of resentment then at myself for taking something good and breaking it....I don't like weakness and when you look in a mirror and see that weakness in yourself it can be hard to swallow.
This is quite interesting and something I relate to indeed. Its really interesting to me to understand addiction. Things for me don't start as an addiction. Something as innocent as a hobby starts off with good intentions. It provides positive feedback, makes me feel good. But the way that I am wired, when something feels good then more will make me feel better. So I lack the governor and I do more and more and more and more. This is where the problem occurs for me and its why its really important for me to understand what is an addiction or stealing and taking from my life and what is a hobby that is adding to my life.

Getting caught up in semantics can leave us paralyzed and rationalizing. So just the simple exercise of is this going to add or subtract. For me the answer is clear, alcohol will always steal from me. Another poster who subscribes to RR often talks about alcohol being the girlfriend that cheats on you and makes you look like a fool. I find this such a great metaphor. Alcohol for me will always steal and lead to drugs that steal more. Processed sugar, bread those also took from what I wanted.

Do I still have thoughts? Sure. I don't have the obsession but I have thoughts. When the thoughts are strong I reach out and talk, like you are doing and meditate it helps me. Goinf back and reading where I was at is also helpful too. 100 days is great and also early. I was thinking about alcohol almost non stop still and having ups and downs frequently.

Your doing great. How about going for a run?
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Old 05-19-2014, 08:47 AM
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going for a run....lol....did 101 miles last week. No fear on that front. I often find when I'm having hard thoughts I go for a really hard, punishing run and it kind of beats those feelings out of me a bit. Doesn't sound very healthy written down but I think it is, like the endorphins from the hard run beat the bad thoughts away.
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Old 05-19-2014, 08:56 AM
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Your post resonates with me.

I am just shy of 130 days now, and I too find myself daydreaming of those bygone moments of peaceful bliss, sharing a drink or two with my girlfriend on a sunny patio. Those are the memories that are easy to relive. And yes, I do let them test my commitment to abstain as well.

I have to keep reminding myself that not all memories of drinking are quite so rosy. And for every one good memory of the drink, there are 10 that are not-so-good.

I've come to believe that my good memories are more about the setting and the company... rather than the contents of the cup I was sipping on.

We humans are funny that way though. We test our resolve (intentionally or not) in all sorts of ways. ;-)

Congrats on the 100+ days MarathonMan. A milestone indeed!
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Old 05-19-2014, 10:18 AM
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I know how you feel. Me and my dad have spent a lot of time on the porch having long talks while drinking beer. Unfortunately I'm the alcoholic and can't do that anymore. He's one of those people who can have a few beers and then decide to stop. Not me! Gotta drink till I go to be drunk. But yeah, I destroyed that too. But it's ok if I just have iced tea from now on. :-)
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Old 05-19-2014, 11:30 AM
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I know what you mean about ending up in liquor isle. One da, I was out just doing some shopping and ended up in the liquor store instead. I was feeling great that day and never thought of it, but it must of been there. I hope you manage to get through crisis in a good way.
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Old 05-19-2014, 12:59 PM
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I'm so glad you made it over that hurdle MM - it's good you wanted to discuss what happened. It's helpful for all of us.

At 3 mos. sober I was still having those thoughts. It's to be expected. Remembering the good times we had & feeling resentful is normal - & it's hard to be brutally honest about where it led in the end. I know for me there'll never be a few nice, civilized beers. It cost me dearly to find that out. I'm almost never tempted now - it does get easier as you continue on your sober journey.
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Old 05-19-2014, 01:18 PM
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Heavyn-yeah you're right, I know I can never be the guy having a couple after some hard work.....i am unfortunately totally aware of how unhealthy my relationship with alcohol is....i threw away something very important that I'll never get back to start drinking again last time.

I find it odd how much I dreadfully miss alcohol and how sad leaving that part of me behind makes me and yet how at the same time im consumed with regret over the things I allowed it to take away from me......its like I don't know my own mind at the minute.

Seems its a long road ahead.....i won't bend or break though.....thank you everyone who took a few minutes to help me along, just needed to get some stuff off my chest.
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Old 05-19-2014, 01:30 PM
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Yes, it's just like your second paragraph says. You'll move past this time though. I can't believe how little it ever crosses my mind now - the thing I once couldn't live without.
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Old 05-20-2014, 05:22 AM
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MM - I thought of you when I read this and posted in the Newcomers section: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...irational.html

I hope you get to run your London Marathon and you know if you drink you won't.
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Old 05-20-2014, 08:14 AM
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Yeah a lot of what that guy says reminds me of me. In a better place today anyway. I never actually thought of drinking yesterday, not in the sense of needing to go and buy some beer and get drunk now, was more struggling with the finality of quitting this time and knowing i can't go back to some of those times I enjoyed.
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Old 05-20-2014, 03:09 PM
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I dunno about you MM but I used up my allotment of drinking fun...and several other peoples allotment too.

Drinking ceased to be fun for me several years before I actually quit.

The good news is - fun doesn't stop once we get sober. You can still enjoy a friends company at the end of a hard day, you can still celebrate with a group of friends, you can still sit outdoors in the summer.

The more fun you have sober the less you'll miss that alcoholic beverage - I promise
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Old 05-20-2014, 05:05 PM
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You're still pretty early in, I had the same nostalgic feelings around that time. Just shake it off, it really does get easier if you just hang in there.
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Old 05-20-2014, 05:08 PM
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I keep some Canada dry ginger ale on hand .

It sure keeps the beer gremlins at bay .

I try to avoid sugar , but will use sugar before beer .
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Old 05-21-2014, 01:26 PM
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I think im currently on a journey of self sabotage and cant work out why. I came home from work and almost straight away started an argument with my wife. I proceeded to stomp out and drove straight to my local bar.....i sat outside for about an hour and a half fighting with myself about going in or not. Then I eventually drove home. The sabotage bit is that I ran through that scenario in my head while sat at work today, im pretty sure I started the fight just to drive to the bar.....tbh when I drank storming out to the pub wasnt even something I did so not sure why it felt so natural today. My head is a real shed at the minute.
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Old 05-21-2014, 01:43 PM
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It the massive three to four month hurdle. Just pass over it and get onto the next hurdle around 6 months. Hold on to your sobriety and you will see how these ingrained thoughts start to lessen.

There is just some subconscious reflex that a lot of us seem to get as our memories fade. It seems for me anyway to be just about anything can have a flashback at about this stage. Just push through it, it really does get better.
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