Question from the spouse of an A
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 75
Question from the spouse of an A
How much support is too much?
My AH husband is re-entering recovery. Last year he started did 90 in 90 and got to his fourth step and then stalled and eventually relapsed.
The first time around - I was very involved I embraced the program went to Al-Anon, made time no matter what for his meetings etc. Talked to him about what I was learning. We even read the big book of AA together. I looked up meetings for him when we were on road trips and brought AA and AL-Anon talks on mp3 to listen to on road trips.
I think I was too involved. I think in the end I was trying to control his recovery much like I tried to control his problem.
This time around he has decided on his own with no prompting from me to try again. This time I do not ask him about his meeting schedule other than if I want to know if he is home for dinner on his regular weekly meeting time. ( Sometimes he comes home first or goes straight there after work )
This time I am trying to recognize that I often use being supportive as a way of controlling people.
So I guess how much support is ok? How much is too little?
This disease frustrates me because it can take even something as simple as being supportive of another during a fight for their life, and make that support become the weapon that kills them.
My AH husband is re-entering recovery. Last year he started did 90 in 90 and got to his fourth step and then stalled and eventually relapsed.
The first time around - I was very involved I embraced the program went to Al-Anon, made time no matter what for his meetings etc. Talked to him about what I was learning. We even read the big book of AA together. I looked up meetings for him when we were on road trips and brought AA and AL-Anon talks on mp3 to listen to on road trips.
I think I was too involved. I think in the end I was trying to control his recovery much like I tried to control his problem.
This time around he has decided on his own with no prompting from me to try again. This time I do not ask him about his meeting schedule other than if I want to know if he is home for dinner on his regular weekly meeting time. ( Sometimes he comes home first or goes straight there after work )
This time I am trying to recognize that I often use being supportive as a way of controlling people.
So I guess how much support is ok? How much is too little?
This disease frustrates me because it can take even something as simple as being supportive of another during a fight for their life, and make that support become the weapon that kills them.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,432
This is one of those 'how long is a piece of string' questions really, fbw 
Your husbands recovery depends on what he does, not what you do. It seems to me the difference this time is he wants it.
That's a good thing
Give him a level of support you feel comfortable with I think - be mindful of your own needs - and remember you can't do this for him....
D
Your husbands recovery depends on what he does, not what you do. It seems to me the difference this time is he wants it.
That's a good thing
Give him a level of support you feel comfortable with I think - be mindful of your own needs - and remember you can't do this for him....
D
instant
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Australia
Posts: 5,711
Originally Posted by fbw 
This time I am trying to recognize that I often use being supportive as a way of controlling people.
.
How much or how far to go ? Who knows, things vary
I think you are on the right track- being aware of the issues and having some agreement (subject to change) is a helpful position
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
I had no spouse or BF but I know that I needed space. I needed to do this for me and that meant being selfish at times. I had to be able to have space in my head to absorb it all.
My advice is to let him own his program. He has to discover what works for him. Other than the dinner times, which I agree with because there is a degree of accountability, then let him have his head.
Work on you with Al-anon. IMO, You both really need this time.
The longer I was sober the more willing I got to discuss it with others, like my children, but at first I did not want to. It felt like it was mine and I needed to feel that way to really dig my heals in and chew through it all.
Give him some space and time. At some point he may discuss more with you and then again he may not. It is really up to him. Just as some people do not bring their work home he may not bring his program home. His actions speak louder then any words can.
My advice is to let him own his program. He has to discover what works for him. Other than the dinner times, which I agree with because there is a degree of accountability, then let him have his head.
Work on you with Al-anon. IMO, You both really need this time.
The longer I was sober the more willing I got to discuss it with others, like my children, but at first I did not want to. It felt like it was mine and I needed to feel that way to really dig my heals in and chew through it all.
Give him some space and time. At some point he may discuss more with you and then again he may not. It is really up to him. Just as some people do not bring their work home he may not bring his program home. His actions speak louder then any words can.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
The only support I needed from my husband was just not to bring it in the house. Beyond that there is not much else he can do. It sounds like he knows he needs to do this. If that's true he will get there no matter what you do or don't do.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
Put it like this if you have recently come on the scene and were never there for hos active drinking then your support would not be too much and couldn't be misconstrued as enabling.
If you were there for the bulk of his drinking then you are one of his enablers in his mind, might not be even in his conscious mind but thats a fact. So i would suggest backing off away support wise and get help for yourself otherwise why would he bother going past step 4, he knows that whatever threats you make you will still be there holding his hand and allowing him to slip back into denial. I mean if it was that bad she would have left because compared to me shes normal?!
If you were there for the bulk of his drinking then you are one of his enablers in his mind, might not be even in his conscious mind but thats a fact. So i would suggest backing off away support wise and get help for yourself otherwise why would he bother going past step 4, he knows that whatever threats you make you will still be there holding his hand and allowing him to slip back into denial. I mean if it was that bad she would have left because compared to me shes normal?!
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 245
I know that personally, for me, the amount of support I needed changed from moment to moment. One minute I felt I needed as much support as possible, and the next I wanted everyone to leave me the hell alone and stay out of my business. It must have been super confusing to those around me.
My advice would be A) work on yourself by continuing with AlAnon (if you feel it's helping YOU, not just because you think he needs you to), and B) let him guide you in the amount of support he needs/wants at any particular time. I know it may be a little tricky, but keep an eye/ear out for little cues and whatnot. Find that happy medium where you're not being completely overbearing, but he can feel comfortable in knowing that you are there should he need you for any reason. Good luck
My advice would be A) work on yourself by continuing with AlAnon (if you feel it's helping YOU, not just because you think he needs you to), and B) let him guide you in the amount of support he needs/wants at any particular time. I know it may be a little tricky, but keep an eye/ear out for little cues and whatnot. Find that happy medium where you're not being completely overbearing, but he can feel comfortable in knowing that you are there should he need you for any reason. Good luck
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 3,785
Originally Posted by RocketQueen
I know that personally, for me, the amount of support I needed changed from moment to moment. One minute I felt I needed as much support as possible, and the next I wanted everyone to leave me the hell alone and stay out of my business. It must have been super confusing to those around me.
Something of that nature but I also know they do not understand and I have to take that into account.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 219
fbw- Did you realize from your own self-awareness that you use supportiveness as a means to control people or did you get that from someone else? You could also be accused of being an enabler for being too passive and not doing enough..I had that one thrown at me regarding another person's problem once.
I would personally love it if I had a family I could talk to about my alcoholism any time I needed to and for them to ask me what they could do that helps and ask me daily if I drank or not....That accountability would definitely make it harder to try and "just have one"
I would personally love it if I had a family I could talk to about my alcoholism any time I needed to and for them to ask me what they could do that helps and ask me daily if I drank or not....That accountability would definitely make it harder to try and "just have one"
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Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
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just so long as you know you are doing your best then you have nothing to reproach yourself on.
i could only wish i had someone like you who is trying so hard to be there for her partner but i didnt i had to do it on my own
and i think thats been the best way forward for me as i havent had to deal with a partner or there moods or wants or needs i have been able to just focus on me
however it also means i get my own way at home all the time and no one gets hurt so that side of things is easy for me : )
i really hope your partner comes good for you as you have shown your heart in your posts of your love for him its a bit like a parents love of there kids and even though they might be bad kids there still there kids and they love them and try to be there and help them etc.
its a long hard road that much is for sure hence i really hope he gets on the steps himself and works hard if he does then you will not have much to do anymore : )
i could only wish i had someone like you who is trying so hard to be there for her partner but i didnt i had to do it on my own
and i think thats been the best way forward for me as i havent had to deal with a partner or there moods or wants or needs i have been able to just focus on me
however it also means i get my own way at home all the time and no one gets hurt so that side of things is easy for me : )
i really hope your partner comes good for you as you have shown your heart in your posts of your love for him its a bit like a parents love of there kids and even though they might be bad kids there still there kids and they love them and try to be there and help them etc.
its a long hard road that much is for sure hence i really hope he gets on the steps himself and works hard if he does then you will not have much to do anymore : )
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