CheeseQ

I wish I could bottle up the misery part of drinking instead of the instant gratification part. If I drank one and felt like living death, I can't imagine i'd want another.... But I don't drink just one I drink 8 and then I feel like living death, so why do I drink even one?! And now I drink 8 a day and can't stop if I want to (and I want to stop so bad) because my heart beats erratically and my hands go stiff and numb and I can't breathe and my head pounds.. I am dying in those moments. How many months has it been like this? A year? 2? I can't even remember.. everyday, planning out how I'm going to get the minimum I need to stay alive. So I slowly drink 7.. 6.. 5.. Today, I'll have 4. I hope I can drink only 4 without symptoms. I hope to god I can only drink 4 without thinking, well just one more won't hurt - no, it will hurt.. And what do I do if I can't do it? I go see a Dr, check into detox.. How do I disappear for a week without everyone knowing I've done it again? My mom thinks I'm fine now, she's just finally stopped worrying about me, my boyfriend has no idea I'm a totally wreck inside, my friends don't know, my job.. I'm trapped between death and embarrassment and career suicide. I've ruined my life, I'm not ruining my life I've ruined it. Everyday is hell, what's the point of life if every day is absolutely miserable? The only glimmer of hope I have is that I can stop and never ever touch a bottle of false happiness again. This weekend I should be free. If it doesn't work, if i can't do it, if I start to withdrawal... I'll be in the hospital this weekend, detoxing, living with the consequences - but I'll be alive. I can't sleep and I don't want to drink, so here I am rambling. Drinking vs sobriety? I can't wait to be stone sober.

I wrote a little song the other day while trying to get through the day..

I drink because I'm happy
I drink because I'm sad
I drink because I'm lonely
I drink because I'm mad
I drink to celebrate with friends
I drink to make amends
I drink for no good reason
I drink to make it end
Finally I say enough,
I can't take it anymore
But out of fear of what I'll feel
I drink once more again.

TigerLili

Good luck with the detox CheeseQ. It might be embarrassing if people find out you're in detox/rehab/whatever again, but you will live through it.

I think many of us here know what it's like to feel compelled to drink even though we don't want to any more and we'd do anything to stop. I thought the only way I could stop drinking was if all the alcohol in the world disappeared. If all the alcohol was kept in China, I would have moved to China. I was unable to stop of my own accord until I found SR and the people here who helped me so much. I go to AA, see a therapist and post here on SR. You can definitely quit for good and feel good about it, no matter what recovery path you decide to take.

Stick close to us and post as much as you like, even if you're drinking. We are here for you as you go through this next chapter.

Dee74

Many of us have started again in rebuilding our lives CheeseQ.
My own life was nothing but smoking ruins.

It took a little time & a little effort but I rebuilt my life, and I rebuilt my reputation too.

I also found an new/old me that I'd forgotten about.

I like who I am and other people seem to like me too - and it's real...no secrets
I can look myself in the eyes in the mirror again.

However daunting it might all seem right now, do it man

there is an Act 2 and it's a good one...really good

D

LBrain

I feel for you CheeseQ. Even though you are troubled by the inevitable - detox. One way or another you are going to have to face it. The embarrassment of revealing yourself once again may be a deterrent to your getting well sooner rather than later. If this is something you are unable to do quietly, people are going to find out anyway.
If something happened that others had to intervene - hospital for instance - how would your embarrassment meter change? Career suicide? I can't speak to your situation, but one way or another this will catch up to you if you can't fix it now.
Try looking for a new career at 55 years old. It is not a pleasant feeling.

CheeseQ

Thanks everyone.. Feeling good right now, sobriety can't come fast enough. Excited for this new future. Even though I sobered up once before I don't even really remember what it was like now.. I do remember thinking I could drink again one day though, and I remember feeling resentful that I was told not to.. I don't think that anymore, and I don't feel resentful about not drinking now. I feel like drinking has ruined everything I enjoy so why would I resent not ruining everything? I am so ready to leave all this behind for good. Happy life ahead please!!

freshstart57

Cheese, what gets us stuck and keeps us there is fear. Fear of the unknown is the biggest fear there is, it could be all sorts of horrible brands of misery and agony, and the extent is limited only by our imagination.

The truth is much simpler and easier than we could have hoped. You will do this, and look back at this and wonder why you waited so long. You can do it, you deserve to do it, and you will do it, simply because you must. People quit their addictions and live life freely all the time, and you can be one of them.

You need to make a plan and get going on this. Are you ready to make your plan about continuing to use alcohol?

leviathan

cheeseq, i feel for you, and send well wishes. one possibility you might not have entertained is conversing with your physician about your current status. having weaned down to 4 drinks daily, you may be a candidate for detoxing at home (you are already doing it anyway). the doc can prescribe a limited supply of benzos that are scheduled to wean down over a 1 or two week period. as long as you DO AS PRESCRIBED, the meds are easier to weant than the alcohol.

im not quite sure why, but my theory is that alcohol has sudden onset, and elimination from the system. also, concentrations in the bloodstream are very dependent on the level of overall hydration, and other calories consumed.

i actually worked the above method on my own accord, and it allowed my to function.

there is going to be some discomfort, no matter what. you just dont want to have an emergency trying to get healthy.

i think that the hardest thing about admitting to my loved ones that i was drying out, is that i knew i wouldnt be able to keep on with the drinking indescretion in front of anyone ever again. thankfully, i was ready to come to my own conclusions about what i needed to do. getting sober "for them" would never have worked. im absolutely positive of that.

its funny that the fix for a selfish behavior is selfishness...